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The sadness in her eyes.

Just A Guy

Just A Guy

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Feb 2, 2013
Messages
2,557
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Where the heart meets the mind.
Hello my dear Bluelighters.

I'm not going to make a large post of it at the moment since there is so much work to be done, and I'm thoroughly exhausted from working myself over from the inside out --

...been dealing with suicidal thoughts the last couple of weeks... couldn't bear to identify a certain sadness in my daughter's eyes... feeling like a broken and defeated father who let his drug habit slowly undermine and thoroughly infiltrate his life like a parasite.

I had a breakthrough moment last night. I discarded a briefcase full of broken-dreams this morning, minus enough etizolam for a taper, and unburdened my soul, and feel renewed in a promise of sobriety.

I caught my downward spiral before it got terminal, and yet I still wish I had caught it earlier.

Regardless, I would love all of your prayers and support as I reach my full potential as a sober man.

Much love,

Just A Guy
 
Oh dude.
It sounds like you've made the right decision.
Take care brother, love and regards <3
 
spacejunk said:
Oh dude.
It sounds like you've made the right decision.
Take care brother, love and regards <3
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manboychef said:
You have my hopes and prayers with you.
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x_benzo_girl said:
What a great breakthrough! I wish you success!
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simco said:
Beautiful! You're an inspiration to all of us on SL. Best, best luck.
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Thanks, you all. I really appreciate the love and support. My girlfriend and I worked through this together. She's my truest friend and ally. Made a lot of calls today... I'm no young'n, but it still felt damned good to talk with my dad and tell him what's been going on. Also contacted my priest, (I'd become a bit of a stranger to my parish the last few months), and look forward to talking with him. Got my best friend on the line, too, and had a heart-to-heart.

I'm no stranger to addiction, but I'd had it under control for YEARS... But a couple of years of occasional use led to more frequent use, and then eventually to IV use, at which point I should have stopped everything, evaluated my situation, and adjusted my lifestyle, but no... Finally, my heart broke, and I let go... I'm thankful I caught it when I did, even if I wish I'd done it sooner. Let me just say that things could be far worse, and I am determined to make a full recovery. I'm not sure that I need a benzo taper, but I'm going to err on the side of caution.

Thanks again, and I'll share what I know were the warning signs and how I dealt with them, and turn this thread into something beneficial to others as well as myself.
 
neversickanymore said:
You can pull out of the free fall JAG!!!
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Yes, sir!!

NSFW:
a3d3e4efc533ad93e3c401767c6277b4.jpg
 
simco said:
Hope you're feeling strong today. I've been sending good thoughts your way.

Peace.
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Thanks, simco. So far so good. I work as a handyman who makes his own hours -- I ended up sleeping for 12 hours straight; I'm up now, looking for assignments, as I'm pretty dang broke. But I'm set on pulling away from the PC in a minute, regardless of what I find, so I can go and work out. Stomach full of nothing but caffeine isn't good. I'm going to make a sandwich. Catch you later!
 
Just A Guy said:
Thanks, you all. I really appreciate the love and support. My girlfriend and I worked through this together. She's my truest friend and ally. Made a lot of calls today... I'm no young'n, but it still felt damned good to talk with my dad and tell him what's been going on. Also contacted my priest, (I'd become a bit of a stranger to my parish the last few months), and look forward to talking with him. Got my best friend on the line, too, and had a heart-to-heart.

I'm no stranger to addiction, but I'd had it under control for YEARS... But a couple of years of occasional use led to more frequent use, and then eventually to IV use, at which point I should have stopped everything, evaluated my situation, and adjusted my lifestyle, but no... Finally, my heart broke, and I let go... I'm thankful I caught it when I did, even if I wish I'd done it sooner. Let me just say that things could be far worse, and I am determined to make a full recovery. I'm not sure that I need a benzo taper, but I'm going to err on the side of caution.

Thanks again, and I'll share what I know were the warning signs and how I dealt with them, and turn this thread into something beneficial to others as well as myself.
Click to expand...

If you don't mind me asking, what were you using?

Glad to hear you're making some changes, best of luck man. <3
 
4-FA, Tramadols (to sleep), Etizolam (for the 4-FA), marijuana, and various lysergamides (of which I don't feel lent themselves to my problems). It got to the the point where I was injecting 250mg of 4-FA (absolutely ridiculous), sometimes twice, and sometimes even three times a day, every few days or so.

Thanks, Cap'n. :)

I started IV'ng again when I came across a package of sealed insulin syringes... Then I bought my own supplies (larger barrels, luer lock needles, bacteriostatic water, wheel filters, etc) and I was in a cycle.
 
neversickanymore said:
What if anything can you do to put more stages in acquisition with the new chems. Lose your plastic cards for a year or so?
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Well, fortunately, I've only one card, but it's already maxed out, and yes, being broke as hell definitely helps.

Possible Trigger Content:
NSFW:
Hate that excited feeling in my gut when my veins have healed enough to strum them with my fingertips again...


Nahh, but I've got this! Wondering about the benzo taper though. How can I know if I can stop cold turkey without seizing? I would probably use 2-4mg of etizolam every three days or so...

Gonna try this workout, starting tomorrow.

I think I probably don't have to taper, since etizolam is eliminated from the body pretty quickly, and even though I was using relatively high dosages, it wasn't consistent enough to develop a physical addiction. I have, however, noticed a certain excitability/irritability that is always present but disappears minutes after taking etizolam. (Of course.) Thoughts?
 
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Well, until recently, in order to properly taper, I was just licking my finger and dabbing the bag... guesstimate of about 2-4mg at a time. But I've since filled a needle-less barrel with 10ml of everclear, mixed with 40mg of etizolam, whereby I will dose 2mg in the morning, 1mg at night, and then each week 1/2 that amount until I give it a shot at abstinence.

My problem is that now the allure of smoking tobacco is back in full force, and indulged (in the form of cigars) and I find myself enjoying an aperitif before/during/after each meal. Can't be the healthiest, but I sure find it comforting.
 
Just A Guy said:
Well, until recently, in order to properly taper, I was just licking my finger and dabbing the bag... guesstimate of about 2-4mg at a time. But I've since filled a needle-less barrel with 10ml of everclear, mixed with 40mg of etizolam, whereby I will dose 2mg in the morning, 1mg at night, and then each week 1/2 that amount until I give it a shot at abstinence.

My problem is that now the allure of smoking tobacco is back in full force, and indulged (in the form of cigars) and I find myself enjoying an aperitif before/during/after each meal. Can't be the healthiest, but I sure find it comforting.
Click to expand...

Be careful with frequent drinking, daily during the day drinking, you don't want to switch addictions. Not entirely certain if this relates to your benzo use, but when I quit benzos I also quit booze. When benzo PAWS kicked in I finally relapsed on booze after about 40 days clean. My tolerance to alcohol, which I expected to go down, became ridiculously high around the third day of drinking. After that it was taking 18 -!24 beers to feel good, and I'm not a big person (5'3, 120lb). My drinking was worse than every, and I think it's because I was no longer taking benzos, and since I was off benzos and alcohol is similar, my body was wanting more booze to fill that void. I had a two month run of all day excessive beer drinking that was so bad I now gag when I smell it lol.

Good luck JAG!
 
^^ Duly noted, x_benz. :)

PS, and unrelated: I'm going to be close to Wilmington, NC this summer. Spending the last week of July for a big family reunion involving both sides of my family. It's going to be great. After living on the east coast of Florida for a few years, I developed a love of boating and fishing. I'd love to just wake up one morning and just follow the sunrise.
 
I would like to point out that there is a definite prophylactic property to psychedelics like LSD... It has been my experience that my deepest insights and acknowledgment of problems that begin with me have been inspired by such experimentation. It connects me with the divine, and what is divine is to surrender to love. While I was moderating PD and SL, I always intended to point out this relationship but never did. Well, here I am.
 
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