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The sadness in her eyes.

I won't lie: I find myself sourcing stuff... some of my old favorites: 6-APB, for example, and found a cheap notable distributor. Was considering making a purchase when finances were back in order, but, who knows? The truth is: I don't need it. I want it, yes. lol But it's not important. In the meantime, I'm going to savor this tunafish burrito.
 
The obsession is a powerful beast, I know exactly what it is lile where you are at, so focused on using, consciously or unconsciously. It is okay, you will get past this and overcome this challange if only you keep trying and working towards becoming a healthier you. If I can do it, anyone can :)
 
Just A Guy said:
I won't lie: I find myself sourcing stuff... some of my old favorites: 6-APB, for example, and found a cheap notable distributor. Was considering making a purchase when finances were back in order, but, who knows? The truth is: I don't need it. I want it, yes. lol But it's not important. In the meantime, I'm going to savor this tunafish burrito.
Click to expand...

Do you want to work on that?

I found that it was easy for me to turn my head away from sourcing more opiates after I was determined to quit.
 
Hi folks. So... I had an encounter with an old friend. We ended up purchasing some marijuana together, just a gram, as both of us have been clean for some time. Myself, almost 2 months... Smoked, and had a conversation about dope. Cut to the chase: Ended up deciding to purchase a gram of 4-FA, to split it, took his half of the money and ordered it.

I PM'd the Captain, and had a little talk about it. Wasn't enough to change my mind about what I'd set out to do. But tonight, I decided to tell my girlfriend about it. Surprisingly, but not really, she decisively, but not too aggressively, countered every argument I had to offer why this one-time party wouldn't set me back. She guided me to the point where I had enough will power to agree, and yes, it was submission -- it was submitting to my original idea, my breakthrough moment: the one where I had realized why I couldn't continue using, and what it costs me while I'm using (stims) -- so... ultimately, I've agreed that when my package comes, I'm giving it to her, unopened, for her to remove this temptation from me, and I will explain to my friend, who later jokingly called me "the devil," because I was making this happen, that I changed my mind, with the help of some intercession -- man. It's not easy to go from anticipating using to surrendering the high to someone, even someone who loves me so much, and I love so much--but that's what I'm doing.

Guys and gals: quitting isn't easy. And this time, I know I couldn't do it alone. I'm still a little frustrated by the whole thing. But I've already promised, and in a weird way, I'm starting to feel better about it.

Dang! I might make 60 days after all! woohoo!

Addiction sucks. Heroin my brother, if I ever find myself telling you about my situation, I'd like you to be harder and stronger about it with me. At least now, now that I've been able to say no once, I should be able to say no any number of times later.

Fortunately, she and I both enjoy psychedelics. And we're going to still be able to party it up together. It's just that nothing seems to satisfy that craving for a roaring, dizzying head rush like a 200mg dose of 4-FA gives. But I've surrendered to the concept that one can't eat that cake and have it (the cake of peace, self-control, etc) at the same time.

Peace, everyone. I hope some of you who read this and are going through similar challenges find some bit of peace or strength from this. I'm blessed, even if sometimes my addiction screams at me as if I was cursed. To all of your continued strength.
 
^^ After rereading this, it makes me sound unappreciative of Captain's support, which I grateful for. :) Plus, I know that it coming from my girlfriend is immeasurably more powerful than an online friend. lol It's going to be a good day!
 
@Just a guy, good for you turnig that substance away! Just be sure to really, REALLY do it. Btw a great way to disassociate yourself from cravings is with smell. This is an evil little trick i used to start hating opium, it might work for you too:

Whenever you have a strong craving, smell something nasty. I mean it, clean the u bends, examine your dishwashers sump, whatever. You can even go all out and 'enjoy' the aroma of a fresh solid waste product once everything is clean. The point being, as you are craving you meditate to associate it with really nasty smells and sensations. I also worked on taxes when craving, picturing in my head that opium was like an endless tax return.

The trick has worked wonderfully well for my opiate cravings, i don't have any! My nicotine cravings are harder actually. Got another trick there, when they cone i do ' reality checks' to help my lucid dreaming. imo LDs rival some of my best chemicals times in intensity, just had the best dream in years yesterday that felt so incredible, I'm still a bit 'high' from it. For me the best way against cravings are not to fight them, but sully their associations or use them as triggers for something else. I'm not macho enough to resist them with willpower alone, so i cheat!
 
JAG, that took some courage. Your partner sounds like one in a million--took courage on her part, too. Good for you both. It can be exhausting day to day (I'm just thinking of navigating my own life through want/need/craving shit I may want but don't need); but the rewards when you actually have these profound break-through moments and you are aware of them is exhilarating.
 
Jag: You totally did the right thing. Blowing yourself in when you are planning to use is no easy feat. What you did takes courage, and true ownership of the problem.
 
Thanks for the kind words, everyone. It's taken me a while to post on this thread because while I remained clean, I hadn't actually given my girlfriend the package with the 4-FA in it. Factually, it was about a week late in in arriving, which caused her to doubt me, and when it arrived, I hid it in my house and "sat on it." I figured, at the very least, I might get my money back--sell it. But it just sat in its little hiding spot until today. I had a pretty chill weekend. Lots of beer, marijuana... relaxing to the max after two weeks of roof construction in 90-100 degree humid Iowa summer days. My girlfriend texted me, in an obviously aggravated manner, implying that I was hiding from her. We had a good talk today--I gave her the package (unopened) -- and I guess I was guilty for holding on to it. But it's done now. Of course, so long as substances are only a mailman away, it'll take discipline to maintain my path, but for now, no stims for me.

In other news, I'm healthier than ever. Farmers tan to the max, and strong, too. Good luck to everyone out there. I hope this post finds you all well. -JaG

In a way, it was comforting knowing it was here, but out of sight. Kinda like that pack of cigs when you want to quit. If you get to the last one and smoke it, you buy another pack. But if you quit with a bunch left, you don't.
 
Isn't it crazy how our addictions make us do crazy things. I would always be very secretive about my life with people that care about me. I had a moment like that when I first got sober.

I went to the store and I ran into a using buddy. We ended up getting a few bags, and immediately I felt the guilt and shame that I had so long tried to purge. I didn't end up using, and I was pissed off that I spent money that I could have done something meaningful with...but that didn't stop me from holding onto those bags and obsessing about using them, getting away with using them, and finding more. I even would tie off my arm and pop my veins out just to see if I still could. I eventually had a friend come over and throw them out. It was the smartest thing I ever did. I knew that if they stayed there any longer I would end up using.
 
^^^ True that homie. You know, I still plan on giving myself a one-day vacation, but I keep pushing it off... keep pushing it off. Maybe that's how I'm able to persist in my abstinence. Trick myself into thinking, I'll wait another for another day... Telling myself that day will come eventually, but always putting it off. lol It seems easier than telling myself: "That's it. I'm done." It's the NA "Just for today, I will not do drugs." And every day is today. Peace

Good job on not using. I know what you mean about popping the veins. Mine are nice and juicy these days. lol
 
It's good to hear that your girlfriend is supportive of you. I really feel like that makes it easier to handle. I hope you're both still doing well.
 
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