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Support For Those Affected by the Addiction of Others

stardust.hero

stardust.hero

Bluelight Crew
Joined
May 20, 2009
Messages
7,355
This thread is for those who are victims of someone else's substance addiction. Parents, brothers, sisters, friends, anyone who is currently a victim of a loved ones substance abuse.

This is a thread to offer support and guidance.

All Sober Living Guidelines apply.

The mission of this thread is to provide a haven for those affected by someone else's addiction. We are here to offer support and guidance and of course love :). Addiction does not only affect the user but also everyone around them I hope this can be a place for those who have/or are currently being affected to post about their experiences, troubles and support :).
 
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Hi all, im so excited that bluelight started support for those affected by the addiction of others!!!!!! I only came by bluelight a few days ago. I immediately thought, this is not for me. I took a few minutes and read some posts, ive been "hooked" since then.
I want to say this is not my "pity party" but more of "getting some things off my chest". Iam a victim of my sons heroin addiction. I never thought this would happen to me or my family. I unconditionally love my son. He is a good person. All I want in life is for him to be happy and healthy. I have learned in the last couple of years, that no matter what I do for him, I cant help him. Ive learned I cannot give him money, I can give him food and gas, otherwise, I am paying for his heroin addiction. I am looking forward to sftabao ( suppport for those affected by the addiction of others) to learn some of the mistakes and successes of others who have the same problem as I do.
Iam looking for suggestions on how to coax an addict into going to rehab, whats worked for others out there? And what has not worked?
 
Welcome to BL bb<3.. wish it was under better circumstances.. please check out the al anon and nar anan links posted above by just clicking on them and here are a few more links that may be helpful.. keep positive because so many people make it out of where your son is and as threads move along there is often great advise and support.. the groups above are specifically support groups for those affected indirectly by addiction. Hang in there but be proactive about your well being, after all the hell I put my parent through.. man, but here I am clean and doing amazing, shit if I can do it so can your son<3

links

Addiction Guide

Twelve-Step Addiction Recovery Support Groups

SMART Recovery (Support Group information and discussion)

Varied Approaches to Addiction Recovery

suboxone

methadone

Harm Reduction Coalition

Please keep us informed as to whats going on..<3
 
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This thread was created for you but I come across a lot of mothers and friends and loved ones who are seeking support in regards to their loved ones addiction. You too need support. <3

Keep us updated on your son and on how YOU are you also. <3

I don't look at it as a "pity party" at all. You too need support, addiction is very stressful for you. I hope we can provide you with support and help.

This thread is new so it might be a bit before we get it going with a lot of responses but I assure you that you are not alone in this battle at all <3.

Check in with us bb, even if it's just to tell us how your day is going. How things are going in general. If you need to vent. Do it, we're here :).

On the subject, have you spoken to him with anything I've said in your welcome thread in regards to talking to him about it? Asking him about it, telling him you love him unconditionally but you are scared for him? I think having a talk and asking him what he likes about it may open the conversation up and you can go into perhaps why he likes it, how much he is doing, what his plans are in regards to the future with it. Try to act calm and honor your trust (I know being calm is the hardest thing when it is such a dangerous substance).

What kind of conversations have you had about it with him?
 
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We talk on a regular basis about his problem, most of the time he tells me what I want to hear. And thats because he doesnt want to hear crap from me. Im going to change the way we talk. Get to spend the weekend with him so maybe I can make some headway. Thanks
 
Yes addicts definitely tend to do the "tell you what you want to hear" approach to avoid conflict. As hard as it is you need to be as strong as you possibly can be and be calm and understanding when talking to him. Try not to get upset when you hear things that are bad that he's done/doing. Focus on moving forward.

I know you can do it. You've reached out to complete strangers. I KNOW you can do this with your own son. Connect with him and understand it is a disease in which he has contracted--so to speak. It can't be cured in a day but forming a new bond around it may help you help him.

I hope. I really really do. Because you are a beautiful mother who deserves a positive relationship with her son and not only that to be happy and not have to worry for him day and night. <3

I look forward to hearing about your weekend with him!
 
My girlfriend has been having a pretty hard time dealing with this. She partly blames herself for making me feel the way I do for some reason, and she also feels like she needs to be perfect around me all the time now. All of this stress is also a trigger for me and overall it just doesn't work.

I've been trying to convince her to go to Al-Anon for a few weeks now and I think I finally succeeded. I want her to be released from this guilt and sadness she feels.
 
<3 Generic, thank you for your response. I'm so happy you understand that she also needs help. I hope the both of you find balance and happiness. Keep moving forwards and never forget you love each other. Don't let addiction come between you two.
 
I have had to confront so many aspects of myself through my late son's addiction. One of the worst dynamics is the issue of control; the erroneous idea that we actually have any at all. As parents we are biologically determined to feel a sense of responsibility to control the environment our infants are in. It is essential to their survival after all! The transition from that level of control (which starts in the womb for mothers) to an understanding of your child as an independent being with his or her own path is difficult enough for every parent. Throw addiction or mental issues such as despair, anxiety and depression into the mix and it all goes to hell very quickly.

Here is what I learned:

You cannot 'save' anyone, not even your own child.

You will not help your child by trying to control them or their life. In fact, that harms them.

You are responsible for your own integrity as they are for theirs. Do not lie. Do not sneak. Do not reside in anger or despair yourself. Maintain hope and feed only your love for your child. Maintain every boundary you set as an act of love for your child and for yourself.

Educate yourself about addiction. Read everything--especially opposing or contradictory views so that you can form your own understanding.

Listen to people with addiction. Bluelight has been the education I wish with all my heart I had been aware of before my son's death. The people here are my teachers.

Model joy in the face of despair. Don't deprive yourself of joy.<3
 
Its so nice to hear all these suggestions, it makes my day, im trying to learn everything I can...... thank you all
 
@ herbavore, God I feel for you and hope I am never in that postion, you are so right, I also have learned we have no control, but until the day I die, I will try and try to help him make himself better! I know you said dont deprive yourself of joy, but I wonder, being that my boyfriend of 12 years has no tolerance for my sons addiction, do I cut my ties? Move and bring my son and work on making him a better person? He tells me he wants to be clean. Or do I let him work this out himself??????? Its so hard, because I dont want to look back and say "did I do enough"????
 
bb it sounds like you and your son are communicating healthy because you stated "He tells me he wants to be clean." he told you. You need to get a promise a true promise that he will honor that for you his mother.

You should not have to deprive yourself of happiness. I am sure your boyfriend brings you joy and that's why you are with him. You are inbetween a rock and a hard place since your lover is unwilling to move forward with your sons addiction.

Anger and resentment and the past needs to be let go. Perhaps you can ask you boyfriend to read these threads and for you and your family to move forward, one more time, not to hinder that (and if by not allowing your son home being hindering).

Your boyfriend needs to be on the same page as you. Don't throw him to the wind as he was hurt by your son and doesn't want to trust. But I am sure he loves you. As strong and compassionate and understanding as you are for your son you also need to be for your boyfriend. Ask him for a commitment to give it one more try.

Everyone of you in my opinion needs to make a promise, you to promise to understand and listen with calmness and understanding, your son to withhold his promise to be completely honest (even if he relapses), and your boyfriend to give a second chance for his love for you.
 
stardust.hero said:
bb it sounds like you and your son are communicating healthy because you stated "He tells me he wants to be clean." he told you. You need to get a promise a true promise that he will honor that for you his mother.
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I would hesitate to ask for a promise that guarantees sobriety as this is just not how recovery from addiction works.. unfortunately relapse seems to be a part of the disease for so many.. a good promise to get though would be a promise to begin to work on the problem.. maybe sit down and explore the options that are out there and then get a promise that he will start to take a constant active role in his recovery.. I only say this because I made promises that I had every intention of keeping when it came to drug use and when it didn't happen that way It caused allot of pain to people I love<3.. progress not perfection as they say..
 
Thank you guys, it really helps to "think out loud" and get feed back. Im the type of person that wants instant results. I tend to think way ahead........ thanks for the "slow down"!!!!!!!!!!
 
Being addicts I think we know all about wanting instant results:)
 
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I just went to my first psychotherapy session and my diagnosis was "impulsive" among other things. I didn't quite get where he got that I was impulsive from..I think I usually am calm and think things out. But it makes sense. I went there to get off of a benzodiazapine(like xanax) that I'm addicted to and I am impulsive. I don't want to wait and work out my problem. I was instant gratification (taking a pill to make the problem go away). Slowing down and working and waiting for results in all forms is hard.

Think outloud all you want here :) People work well as teams and we can be your team to help you/your family through this <3.
 
life changes

<3I'm so glad I bluelighted through the forums!

I attended my THIRD Al-Anon meeting two nights ago.

I have not shared anything yet. It's not that I feel shy. I don't want to speak off the cuff my first time addressing the twenty-odd men and women sitting in the room with me. I am blown away by the lives of the other attendees of these meetings.

My mom went through periods of severe drug and alcohol use when I was a child. She would say I only remember the bad days if she heard me say that. To be fair, sometimes she was sober. Sober seasons of my mother's life, she was busy. Sewing, cooking, gardening, hanging wallpaper, camping, and taking care of her daughter.

Seasons of substance abuse, she slept. I took care of her.

She started sharing her Valium with me when I started my period. I followed my mother's pattern of usage most of my life, although the substances had changed.

But now I have changed, and while my mom has not been sober in months, I have. Albeit with the exception of cannabis, which I obtain and use legally under California law. I use it before I go to sleep at night and sometimes I do a wake and bake weekend if there's going to be bacon.

The pull I felt for getting my head severely changed has faded away.

Time spent with my beautiful grandson every day heals me.

Unfortunately, his dad is an alcoholic.

I feel that it is incumbent upon me to prepare myself for what may come.

To that end, I will continue Al-Anon meetings, possibly for the rest of my life.

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Good to see you around and doing well Ugly <3

Beautiful pictures!

EDIT: Ugly I must have read through this late at night because I didn't comment nearly as much as I want to now lol.

First of all your grandson, gorgeous! You are a deep loving individual I have no doubt he is honored to have you as his grandmother.

Second the preparations you are taking to be the wonderful grandmother that you are capable is incredibly inspiring. I am so happy that he is also, in return, an inspiration and a source of healing for you (from your past addictions as well).

I do hope I see more of you, TDS (Recovery Support) has been severely lacking in Ugly as of lately and I do love to hear your positive stories when you decide to share.

I love you doll, <3.
 
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