Yoooooooo,
Sorry, I've been busy. Anyhoo, how is everyone? I had a job interview today for a teaching position that I think I really want. I didn't think I had a snowball's chance because during the first round they had hundreds of applicants. So I went in there with a 'whatever' attitude. Had a really great interview, was told I was only one of five out of 500+ applicants who had been called back, and that I 'had a really good interview.' So anyway, what did all this do for me? Made me want to go home and DRINK A LOT OF JACK DANIELS!!!!! What the fuck. I felt completely hyped up. So I went to a meeting. I'm doing all right. Actually told my husband where I went and why. He keeps saying he's proud of me.
Pods! What's up? Asiam, HOLD FAST! As my Scottish mom and dad would say (it's the family motto). Anyhoo, I usually held fast to my drink, but don't give up!!
Love,
N
Love,
So, what IS up? Well, I wish I knew really. Things are still on the rocks with my girlfriend. I went over there last night and we "got friendly" again, but I don't know what it means. When I first told her about the poppy pods about 3 weeks ago she got really angry. Angry at me, angry at needing al anon, just ANGRY. And she said that night that she thought I shouldn't stay there for a while because I'd be there and she'd be mad at me and she didn't want that to be a toxic environment or something like that. I don't know that things have changed. I saw her night before last too, and that night as well as last night we didn't talk about anything to do with our relationship or anything, recovery, nothing like that.
When we do talk about it she gets really upset. She said four days ago that we needed to make a rule (read: she made a rule) that we wouldn't talk about stuff at night. Night is the hard part of the day for her, when she thinks about her dad and when things upset her more, etc. Well guess what, we only see each other at night. Pshaw! And I feel like she only wants the comfy parts of the realtionship and doesn't want to face her feelings on so many things. I don't know how much longer I can do things like this. I love her dearly, but I'm starting to think about how it could take a LONG time to get over this or to start getting better. She's pretty sick from the impact of her father's and my alcoholism. And for me, I've gotten better through AA. Her dad's still an in-denial, active alcoholic. And she has a million pounds of rage, resentment, bitterness, self-pity, and pure shit built up that she's not dealing with.
M sponsor tells me, and the program teaches, that I am powerless over this, just as I am powerless over alcohol. I said this before, I think, that if I tell her what she needs to hear: that she needs to embrace her program and work through her rage etc., that she needs to realize, admit, and internalize her powerlessness over alcohol, and everything else--if I tell her those things it will only make her angrier. I want to help her and for the first time in our relationship my trying to help is exactly what will do the opposite.
I'm starting to feel, sometimes, like we're falling apart, or that it's inevitable. And I'm so damn scared of being alone that I even made a profile on a dating site b/c, my crazy reasoning is that it took me almost a year to find her, and so I might as well start now. Now she's IMing me and asked how she is. Her: i'm ok. Me: care to elaborate? Her: i'm full of good food and trying not to think too much about anything. Yeah, that's really fucking helpful. I guess that's how we'll mend this relationship, by ignoring. Fuckinghell!
Not long ago, this would have made me want to drink. Right now, I just want to go to sleep so I can get up, drink some good coffee, and meditate before work. I feel like I'm just barely OK though. And now kratom is turning into a fucking secret. Maybe I should just tell her about so she can find herself a good enough excuse to dump me because she's too emotionally lazy, unwilling to do what it takes, and obviously doesn't love me enough to help herself so we can be happy together?!?!
Fuckalmighty. I gotta go walk my dog or I'm gonna break some shit.
More later when I cool down.
And God help any fucker who crosses me or tries to talk smack to me while I'm out.
Update: luckily for everyone, no one crossed me last night while I was walking my dog. Truth is though, I was hoping some punk would try to start something. Damn, I need to reign in my emotional rages! I'm much better this morning.