Nance, it's amazing how similar our stories are. My gf knew of my alcoholism. It was pretty apparent through the first year+ or our relationship. Then I quit, had a meltdown, and went to an outpatient rehab program to help me sober up. I was successful in quitting drinking. At the same time, that first time I quit drinking, I quit the poppy pods too. Since I didn't know how much morphine and other alkaloids were in the pods, I didn't know how hooked I was, and I thought I was in for a rough road. It turned out that my poppy pod habit was so mild that I didn't have any serious WD symptoms. Just a little runs for a few days and some insomnia, which could have been partially from quitting drinking too.
Anyway, then after my 2 weeks of that program I was off and running with AA. I was doing great. I wasn't drinking and felt better than ever, and since my pod WDs were so tiny, I figured I didn't have much of a problem with them and could keep using them "sometimes". Sometimes turned into everyday eventually and then every day turned into twice a day, then thrice, then upping my doses. By the time I realized I had a problem I was into them bad. I waited for my gf to go out of town, and tried a CT quit from them. Poppies are on of the hardest to WD from due to the host of alkaloids (unlike a refined pharm). I thgouth I had made it, and after she came back I was on day 5 of no pods and was so messed up from a lack of sleep and the WD symptoms were getting worse. I caved and made some tea from the poppy stems I had. This was weak tea, but it alleviated the symptoms. During that respite, I ordered another shipment of pods. and used the tea I made to stretch me to the next delivery.
I ordered 2 lbs, planning on this being enough to quit. After the order, the vendor emailed me to say their inventory person accidentally only shipped one pound and that they'd be sending another pound, with extra for the trouble, to make up for it. So I get my first shipment and it's a full 2 lbs. Then a couple days later I got the lb+. Well, yippee fucking skippy I thought! I could go wild-ass-monkey-shit with it and be as zoned out as I liked for a while and THEN start the taper, which is what I did. That was the last I ever ordered.
Anywho, so my gf knew of the drinking, but the whole pod adventure above, she knew nothing of until I told a few days ago after being clean from them for about a month. And of course she knows about my addiction to cigarettes and to my morning coffee, if you can call that real addiction. 8)
And yes, I am like you. I have been able to function just fine with whatever addiction(s) I have or had. I was a pretty hardcore alky and managed to earn 3 degrees, including a doctorate. At the height of my drinking before I quit, I'd kill 4-6 beers and up to 3/4 of a fifth of bourbon. On a big party day, I could drink the equivalent of 40 drinks or so. Wow. Loks crazier when I type it!
I have to disagree with you on one thing: you SO CAN quit drinking. With your amounts, you'd do well to have some benzos around in case the DTs started, or get medical help.
You say your husband will miss drinking with you, though he only has one or two? If he loves you then when you tell him you feel like you're in trouble and have a problem with booze, he should definitely support your wishes. Maybe he likes being with you when you're toasted? I think you may have a lot to look into in this area, as we all do. Esp with your alluding to not facing things through use of booze and other substances, again, as we all do.
You seem sure he won't be supportive of AA. People come around on things, esp when they start to see great positive changes. Even my gf, who wanted me to quit drinking, had all kinds of reservations about AA, like that it was a cult, or too religious, etc. But there's nothing religious about it. It's spiritual.
Religion is for people who don't wanna go to hell. Spirituality is for people who've been there. We've been there. Give him time, and don't do a hard sell. Attend some meetings, get some phone numbers. If he's willing to go to al-anon, great. If not, nothing for you to push. You need to work a program, and if he wants to help himself and you with the whole thing, it's only up to him.
You know, you say you're substituting booze for K, but man, coming off booze was like a kilo of K for me, only natural. Once you get past the fog of the first few days, you start waking up with this odd realization that you don't feel like shit. Whoa! So, IMHO, if you could knock that booze out and get into a program, I'd put good betting money on you feeling better than ever pretty quick. And the program is important, because if you quit, it's that feeling SO SO much better that makes you feel like it's OK to drink again.
It can be done. I'm on the journey and in my program I know all kinds of people who were way further over the edge than you or I and they have gotten sober. And it's true as it says in the Big Book, they have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence that they never knew existed nor thought possible. That's what I'm after. And as they tell me (and the BB says) if you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it then you are ready to take certain steps. These steps are the 12 they refer to, and even though my success is only partial at present, I cannot recommend this program enough. It just works if you work it. And it's simple. That doesn't mean it's easy, just, simple.
It CAN be done. I see it daily. I want off the K and you want away from the drink, and we've both been in both boats, and other boats, and we may be in lots of boats, but there is a solution.
The BB is online.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
It often describes alcoholics different from us, the ones who do all the going to ail and hospitals and all that. That made me think I wasn't a real alcoholic. But the fact that I can't (couldn't) control my consumption (esp when I already had a few) and many other factors make me sure I'm alcoholic.
If you haven't ever, or even if you have several times, read the Doctor's Opinion and then the first several chapters or so.
Let me know what you think.
Keep on keepin on.
Easy does it, but DO it!
Love and peace,
podsnomo