Glad to hear from everyone and that this thread is touching so many of you, that touches me. And that's a bg deal for someone like me who is touched ;-)
A bit of a roller coaster here. My gf is still really mad, and just out of sorts over everything. Short backstory for those who are just tuning in, I recently told her about an opiate problem I had the whole time we were together, which I quit almost a month and a half ago.
Now she's gotten this really bad "gut feeling" about a new job I'm trying in financial services. It's not like anything I've ever done, and that's the excuse she gives for it freaking her out. I think, and my sponsor thinks (and he's usually right) that she's reacting in part to my asserting myself in my life like I'd never have done when I was so numb from the alcohol and pods or just the pods. First, she was really mad, which is fine. She's entitled to be mad. I humbled myself and apologized as sincerely and givingly as I could. That's the best I can do right now. I told I'd be happy to talk about anything anytime. I told if there was anything I could do to help her or just help things between us in general for her to let me know.
Well, then we had some good time together. I went over and brought her food one night, and the next night we watched our favorite show together. Then the next day she got furious with me in the middle of the day. I know she's still raw about it, but that swing from feeling like everything is getting better to knowing she's mad and judging me again tears me up. It made me want to cry, scream, and it made me want to get reeeaallllyyy drunk. And that made me realize how tenuous my sobriety is right now, albeit tainted by the kratom.
And back to the kratom.... I don't get much of a buzz off of it anymore, and I'm refusing to take higher doses. I also am not sure I can stretch what I've got until I can order again when I get paid Thursday. This was going to be last order when I got it. Now, I'm thinking I'll need more. I'm lacking the will and resolve to quit it.
quitting drinking was hell. quitting poppy pods was hell to the 4th power. And I know quitting kratom would be lots less hellish, but Nancy you're right what you said about kicking your last kick and going on with nothing (besides coffee, cigs, masturbation, food, and maybe sex if things work out with the gf). So where does one draw the line. Some of the guys in AA will say you're not truly sober until you get off ALL mind/mood altering substances, including anything prescribed by your doctor (like a pretty low dose of klonopin for anxiety), including even allergy pills, OTC sleep aids and such.
Part of me feels damn sober, compared to where I was. But if I quit kratom, am I sober since I still take 1.5mg klonopin/day and 10mg ambien for sleep at night? Or am I only truly sober once I've gotten off ALL that. Then am I sober if I use coffee and smoke cigarettes still? Do I need to be monk who only eats plain white rice, the occasional broccoli floret, and denies himself all earthly pleasures? Of course not!
But finding that balance is a true challenge, both on the path to sobriety and on the path that begins with sobriety.
Nancy, you should tell your husband why you want to attend AA. Actually I'd like to know. To stop and keep stopped from drinking? To fellowship with others who share your problem? To find peace in sobriety? (These are all good reasons
You needn't push him to accept it or worry too much if he does, esp not at first. He'll eventually see that by doing what is best for yourself is also best for him and the two of you as a pair, and ultimately for everyone who knows and loves you both.
That's most of it for now.
More soon. I'll PM you a link Nancy.
Warmest regards,
pnm
