You're Getting Old

I don't know... all of the shit that drugs have caused in my life and I still don't want to give them up. What do I do? I can't imagine ever quitting... but I also know that if I don't quit my life will go to shit. I forsee two very distinct paths in my life... one is of addiction and the other is of happiness... I cannot have both. Are any addicts happy?

I love that episode of South Park where Stan wakes up one morning and everything looks, sounds, smells, tastes... like SHIT. Then he finds the Matrix people, who tell him to make a choice... and he starts drinking or whatever and then the world is awesome again for a while, until he pukes... then everything is shit again. That episode is a fantastic metaphor for depression & addiction. I think it ends with Stan seeing through the bullshit of alcoholism as well as real life... This is the episode I'm talking about if you're interested in watching.

Sigh.

Cocaine and heroin haunt my dreams... and my waking life as well. I'm thinking of ordering some MXE & Phenazepam online soon. Excitement abounds...

I'm trapped and free and trapped and I love my dogs and my girlfriend and brother, my friends mostly suck, money sucks, I gotta make it my top priority to get a fucking job. Set a rule for myself -- don't use opiates until I get a job. And then promptly lose the job? I don't know... I'm so directionless. Moneyless.

I've been talking to my therapist about what self-esteem is and how people acquire it and it was interesting because he said it came from other people and not from within and then I got really confused and our time was up.

I wish I had money and good drug connects and more money and more drugs so I didn't have to figure this shit out. Fuck.

 

I highlt recomend MXE I honestly think it may have cured my heroin addiction. I have not had one craving since I binged out on the MXE for a couple weeks. I was even able to watch the Movie Trainspotting without fiending for dope. I dont want to get your hopes up but that shit has changed my life!

 

I just put in my order for MXE and also got Phenazepam because I couldn't resist... let the hurrying up and waiting begin! :D I'm excited...

If it works with reducing opioid cravings, then it's worth the $XX I spent on it...

 

Be careful with the phenazepam I had a friend get strung out on that shit. It was pretty ugly he had a 3-4 month blackout.

 

ditto on being careful with the phenazepam...it can be scary stuff.

 

I already have quite the benzo tolerance (clonazepam, 4mg daily)... Perhaps it was a waste? I've been doing my Research on these Chemicals, because there's not much else to do while I wait... Indeed I will be careful with the phenazepam.