mrs_mia_wallace
Bluelighter
Mine was failing out of school, being disowned by my family, prostituting myself, and using needles.
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Your Rock Bottom
- Thread starter Faded .45
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avrolling
Bluelighter
I'm pretty much there, I've been using anything I can get my hands on for somekind of high to battle the reocurring memories of a year long deployment I just got back from.
Suicidal thoughts happen almost daily now, I have no one, I have almost nothing.
Then reading everyones posts in here actually helps a lot I'd have to say, just knowing your not the only one that's fighting for a breath of air gives strenght to make it out and help other people make it as well.
Just hang in there BLers its gets worse before it gets better.
Suicidal thoughts happen almost daily now, I have no one, I have almost nothing.
Then reading everyones posts in here actually helps a lot I'd have to say, just knowing your not the only one that's fighting for a breath of air gives strenght to make it out and help other people make it as well.
Just hang in there BLers its gets worse before it gets better.
Damn, did he die instantly or what exactly happened if you dont mind telling of course...did you call 911?
But yeah pretty crazy story, most of it reminds me of the 2 years i spent on the streets addicted to heroin... I'm actually surprised you didnt switch to dope since Opana seems to be very expensive where you're from and Burgh is a big dope town.
Ishtar_Isis
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2006
- Messages
- 843
Think my rock bottom has come around....
I've just been suspended from work (I'm a nurse) as I'm being investigated for taking drugs from work.
i was taking benzo's in pill form and codeine until they got locked up because *someone* was diverting them in large amounts. So I started taking ampoules of diazepam and clonazepam and shooting them up. The other night someone obviously saw me take the drugs and I got the call that its alleged that I took drugs from work and I'm being investigated.
Human Resources will call me tomorrow to set up an interview about the allegations and I'm not going to deny it.
I'm sick of living a double life, lying to myself, colleagues, everyone that I'm a good person whereas really I've been addicted (I hate that word) to drugs as long as i can remember, and have been deceitful and sneaky to support my habit.
It is likely this will go to the Nurses board and I'm at high risk of losing my job and career....
So rock bottom here I come........
In a way this is going to be a relief to finally tell the truth about my problem but i'm going to face a world of shit and shame, there's nothing I can do about it. There's no point denying it cos someone has obviously seen me and put it in writing. I'm fucked.
I've just been suspended from work (I'm a nurse) as I'm being investigated for taking drugs from work.
i was taking benzo's in pill form and codeine until they got locked up because *someone* was diverting them in large amounts. So I started taking ampoules of diazepam and clonazepam and shooting them up. The other night someone obviously saw me take the drugs and I got the call that its alleged that I took drugs from work and I'm being investigated.
Human Resources will call me tomorrow to set up an interview about the allegations and I'm not going to deny it.
I'm sick of living a double life, lying to myself, colleagues, everyone that I'm a good person whereas really I've been addicted (I hate that word) to drugs as long as i can remember, and have been deceitful and sneaky to support my habit.
It is likely this will go to the Nurses board and I'm at high risk of losing my job and career....
So rock bottom here I come........
In a way this is going to be a relief to finally tell the truth about my problem but i'm going to face a world of shit and shame, there's nothing I can do about it. There's no point denying it cos someone has obviously seen me and put it in writing. I'm fucked.
As much as that will obviously suck, in the end when all of that passes you'll be feeling a whole lot better, especially if it lets you hit your rock bottom and you decide to quit drugs for good.
ech0s85
Bluelighter
Did you not think that when they noticed the benzos and codeine the first time that they would be on the look out?? I bet they put cameras up and thats how you got caught.
Hopefully its not too bad though, ive heard that with pharmacists they get one free chance to go to rehab and clean up, and come back to their job afterward, but thats pharmacists idk about nurses, and also in the US.
Hopefully its not too bad though, ive heard that with pharmacists they get one free chance to go to rehab and clean up, and come back to their job afterward, but thats pharmacists idk about nurses, and also in the US.
Ishtar_Isis
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2006
- Messages
- 843
^of course i knew that i was under suspicion when they locked up the benzo's and codeine, however as i now know clearly i've been addicted and it's a compulsion to take the drugs cos of the access.
Each day I'd think I'm not going to pilfer drugs this time...... Then there's like this monkey on my back compelling me to take them, even knowing the risk, the compulsion to get the drugs out weighed any sense of reason. So it's pretty clear i must be an addict.
Today's the day I'm expecting a call from management for a meeting where the allegation will be put forward...... I don't see any point in denying it. I can't go on living this lie anymore and finally it's come to this.
I know heaps of nurses take drugs from work, it's widespread. So i'm not the first and won't be the last..... I'm not sure what will happen.
This could have saved my life. I've had a few brushes with danger like total black outs where i got really drunk as well as taking lots of pills and had no idea how i got home, where my car was. I've blacked out and had bad falls, and i know there's a huge risk of respiratory arrest if you inject benzo's too quickly.
So I still have my health, my friends who have never judged me although they've been worried, somewhere to live and some money i can live off for a few months if i lose my job and career.
Obviously I've been using drugs because there's been a build up of painful experiences that i don't know how to cope with, so I've used the only coping mechanism i know - drugs. I have done since i was a teenager and I'm about to turn 34..... I've never been able to face up to the big stuff now i guess i'm going to have to......
Each day I'd think I'm not going to pilfer drugs this time...... Then there's like this monkey on my back compelling me to take them, even knowing the risk, the compulsion to get the drugs out weighed any sense of reason. So it's pretty clear i must be an addict.
Today's the day I'm expecting a call from management for a meeting where the allegation will be put forward...... I don't see any point in denying it. I can't go on living this lie anymore and finally it's come to this.
I know heaps of nurses take drugs from work, it's widespread. So i'm not the first and won't be the last..... I'm not sure what will happen.
This could have saved my life. I've had a few brushes with danger like total black outs where i got really drunk as well as taking lots of pills and had no idea how i got home, where my car was. I've blacked out and had bad falls, and i know there's a huge risk of respiratory arrest if you inject benzo's too quickly.
So I still have my health, my friends who have never judged me although they've been worried, somewhere to live and some money i can live off for a few months if i lose my job and career.
Obviously I've been using drugs because there's been a build up of painful experiences that i don't know how to cope with, so I've used the only coping mechanism i know - drugs. I have done since i was a teenager and I'm about to turn 34..... I've never been able to face up to the big stuff now i guess i'm going to have to......
Magic_Hobo
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 24, 2005
- Messages
- 303
Good luck, ishtar_isis. A good friend of my mom's was a nurse and she stole a lot of drugs (more serious ones than you), she stole them for a long time and when she got caught she was allowed to go to rehab and go back to nursing. So hopefully the same thing happens for you.
Its a good thing you are admitting it, since I think they will be more understanding if you admit that you have a problem instead of completely lying to them.
Also now that I think of it, the father of one of my friends was an anesthisiologist, and he got caught stealing fentanyl and they found out he had been addicted for years. He still has a very successful and lucrative job as an anesthisiologist so I think the odds are pretty good that you will be able to keep your career.
Its a good thing you are admitting it, since I think they will be more understanding if you admit that you have a problem instead of completely lying to them.
Also now that I think of it, the father of one of my friends was an anesthisiologist, and he got caught stealing fentanyl and they found out he had been addicted for years. He still has a very successful and lucrative job as an anesthisiologist so I think the odds are pretty good that you will be able to keep your career.
soldier173
Greenlighter
my end
The day I woke up chained to a Hospital bed with a state trooper sitting next to me. He informed me that I was under arrest for Negligent Homicide. I had killed my 10 year old daughter in a drunk driving accident. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel the pain and guilt. I have tried to end my worthless life but I can't even do that right. I am too much of a coward to kill myself so I live in misery instead.
The day I woke up chained to a Hospital bed with a state trooper sitting next to me. He informed me that I was under arrest for Negligent Homicide. I had killed my 10 year old daughter in a drunk driving accident. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel the pain and guilt. I have tried to end my worthless life but I can't even do that right. I am too much of a coward to kill myself so I live in misery instead.
soldier173 i am so sorry man. at least she is probably in a better place now. killing yourself won't solve anything though. I really don't know what advice I can give. Just please try to forgive yourself and remember that she lives on in some way
Sjors
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 25, 2010
- Messages
- 6
My rock bottom in my GBL/GHB addiction:
Except living in a lie, failing at my study, cheating on my wonderfull beautiful one true love every week (G makes you a sexual beast), I think I hit rock bottom 1.5 years ago. I had a presentation for 250 men at school, including some senior business men. Although I was an experienced user I took to much in the pause, resulting in going out in the toilet. After 15 minutes, people started wondering where I was, and found a toiliet that was locked. It was me in there taking a nap. They could not wake me up, and only after 20 minutes (firemen, police and an ambulance where on their way to university), I woke up and opened the door, still heavily confused. Tadaaa, there where 30 people, all screaming what the fuck dude are you alright blablablabla. I managed to stumble to the class hall, disconnected my laptop, falling over everything and ran outside.
An hour later I realised what I'd done. Jezus, the shame...
I once had a similar experience, but this one is funny so a bit OT.
Some time ago I was with my family in the city where my sister lives, about 500 km from where my parents live, and something like 700 km from my place. We where there all weekend and on saturday night I started drinking with my sisters boyfriend. We then went eating with my parents in a chique restaurant where i had lobster. I for an allergic reaction and had to get some medicine. After this, we went home and I got really drunk with my sister, brother and my sisters boyfriend. At some time, I wanted to go home so my sister gave me her only key.
I went home and took a G, took my ipod, started to listening. Because of all the alcohol and the G, i quickly went in a deep sleep. From here, I will descripe the story from my side and from the other guys side.
After some time, I waked up to feel that the floor was a bit shaking. I then heard loud noise and the door got kicked in. I jumped up, taking my karate stand because i thought someone was breaking in. I was still drunk so i didnt think but attacked the guy in the door opening. Important detail: i was naked and had some sort of erection because of the g.
Then, the lights went on and it turned out i was attaking a female police officer, a medic with a O2 bottle and another police officer. Behind this officer was my sister completely out of her mind because of the alcohol screaming at me: WHY DID YOU NOT REACT YOU ASSHOLE I THOUGHT YOU WHERE DYING. I was still naked (and proud of the size of my penis).
What happened? I had the only key, they where coming home, ringing the bell for 1 hour, which i did not hear because of my ipod/g sleeping. My sister was way to drunk, she got hysterical and called the police because she thougth that i could have choked on my allergic reaction. 2 Police car and an ambulance came. The police had to smash 4 doors to come to her room. What they found was not a dead guy: It was a 200 cm drunk guy whit an erection attacking the female 160 cm officer. Sexy.
Except living in a lie, failing at my study, cheating on my wonderfull beautiful one true love every week (G makes you a sexual beast), I think I hit rock bottom 1.5 years ago. I had a presentation for 250 men at school, including some senior business men. Although I was an experienced user I took to much in the pause, resulting in going out in the toilet. After 15 minutes, people started wondering where I was, and found a toiliet that was locked. It was me in there taking a nap. They could not wake me up, and only after 20 minutes (firemen, police and an ambulance where on their way to university), I woke up and opened the door, still heavily confused. Tadaaa, there where 30 people, all screaming what the fuck dude are you alright blablablabla. I managed to stumble to the class hall, disconnected my laptop, falling over everything and ran outside.
An hour later I realised what I'd done. Jezus, the shame...
I once had a similar experience, but this one is funny so a bit OT.
Some time ago I was with my family in the city where my sister lives, about 500 km from where my parents live, and something like 700 km from my place. We where there all weekend and on saturday night I started drinking with my sisters boyfriend. We then went eating with my parents in a chique restaurant where i had lobster. I for an allergic reaction and had to get some medicine. After this, we went home and I got really drunk with my sister, brother and my sisters boyfriend. At some time, I wanted to go home so my sister gave me her only key.
I went home and took a G, took my ipod, started to listening. Because of all the alcohol and the G, i quickly went in a deep sleep. From here, I will descripe the story from my side and from the other guys side.
After some time, I waked up to feel that the floor was a bit shaking. I then heard loud noise and the door got kicked in. I jumped up, taking my karate stand because i thought someone was breaking in. I was still drunk so i didnt think but attacked the guy in the door opening. Important detail: i was naked and had some sort of erection because of the g.
Then, the lights went on and it turned out i was attaking a female police officer, a medic with a O2 bottle and another police officer. Behind this officer was my sister completely out of her mind because of the alcohol screaming at me: WHY DID YOU NOT REACT YOU ASSHOLE I THOUGHT YOU WHERE DYING. I was still naked (and proud of the size of my penis).
What happened? I had the only key, they where coming home, ringing the bell for 1 hour, which i did not hear because of my ipod/g sleeping. My sister was way to drunk, she got hysterical and called the police because she thougth that i could have choked on my allergic reaction. 2 Police car and an ambulance came. The police had to smash 4 doors to come to her room. What they found was not a dead guy: It was a 200 cm drunk guy whit an erection attacking the female 160 cm officer. Sexy.
soldier173
Greenlighter
I have outlasted all desire,
my dreams and I have grown apart;
my grief alone is left entire,
the gleanings of an empty heart.
The storms of ruthless dispensation
have struck my flowery garland numb-
I live in lonely desolation
and wonder when my end will come.
my dreams and I have grown apart;
my grief alone is left entire,
the gleanings of an empty heart.
The storms of ruthless dispensation
have struck my flowery garland numb-
I live in lonely desolation
and wonder when my end will come.
Dr.Genome
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2010
- Messages
- 20
Me and a couple of really good friends were organising a trip overseas to South-East Asia - Vietnam, India and Thailand. Up until that point I was using mainly filtered codeine, dihydrocodeine and hydromorphone to get high every single day to mask problems at home.
Whilst overseas I immediately started getting into the buffet of cheap pharmaceuticals which you can get without scripts. I started with tramadol which made me feel blissful, then moved to pretty much anything & everything -- all opioids and benzodiaipines; valium, tramadol, lorazepam all while drinking heavily, I even took a bunch of viagra and had amazing sex with two Vietnamese girls -- and keep in mind this is not just casual use, but munching them any time I started to feel at all normal. At the time I was really depressed and looking back I am sure I had a death wish.
Anyway, after a couple of weeks it seemed this just wasn't doing it anymore and one morning I woke up and realised I had somewhere, somehow purchased a golf-ball of black-tar opium. I didn't have a pipe so i started to just eat it as I assumed it would just work the same as the pills. Sure enough I have never been so high in my life. I pretty much just slept or sat there nodding for a week while friends tried to drag me around Hanoi.
On the way to India I had drunken a whole bottle of liquor before the flight since I couldn't take it with me and for some reason didn't want to waste it. On the flight I was pretty much talking nonsensically to the people around me and looked like I was about to die. So as we got of the airport at Mumbai one of my friends said: "look, your drug use is out of hand we can't go on like this". I was still drunk and said "fine go away then I'll do the trip on my own".
The next day after staying at a hotel (and wetting the bed like a 3 year old) I booked a sleeper bus to go to Goa Goa. While on the bus I dropped some Tramadol and felt brilliant, talking to other backpackers and decided to stay with some Americans when we got there. But then I took another valium and deciced to go to sleep.
..................
..................................
...............................................
(am I in a dream?)
......................................................................................................
(no I must be dead because I can't wake up)
..................
............
I woke up in a hospital in New Delhi with a cracked skill, yet I was so delirious I thought I was in Cambodia fighting the Khmer Rouge in jungle warfare. Then my mum was there, she had come all the way to India.
Turns out the anti-depressant I was taking at the time gave me serotonin syndrome which put my body into a coma for 3 weeks, shut down my breathing, collapsed a lung and almost stopped my heart. I had been on life support and doctors said it's pretty incredible I survived.
The doctors had done a urine scan and found over 15 positves including ecstacy, cocaine, opiates, various benzos, marijuana, amphetamines and viagra. Then there was the $40,000 bill for private air-ambulances and hospitals.
It was then I realised the party was over.
Whilst overseas I immediately started getting into the buffet of cheap pharmaceuticals which you can get without scripts. I started with tramadol which made me feel blissful, then moved to pretty much anything & everything -- all opioids and benzodiaipines; valium, tramadol, lorazepam all while drinking heavily, I even took a bunch of viagra and had amazing sex with two Vietnamese girls -- and keep in mind this is not just casual use, but munching them any time I started to feel at all normal. At the time I was really depressed and looking back I am sure I had a death wish.
Anyway, after a couple of weeks it seemed this just wasn't doing it anymore and one morning I woke up and realised I had somewhere, somehow purchased a golf-ball of black-tar opium. I didn't have a pipe so i started to just eat it as I assumed it would just work the same as the pills. Sure enough I have never been so high in my life. I pretty much just slept or sat there nodding for a week while friends tried to drag me around Hanoi.
On the way to India I had drunken a whole bottle of liquor before the flight since I couldn't take it with me and for some reason didn't want to waste it. On the flight I was pretty much talking nonsensically to the people around me and looked like I was about to die. So as we got of the airport at Mumbai one of my friends said: "look, your drug use is out of hand we can't go on like this". I was still drunk and said "fine go away then I'll do the trip on my own".
The next day after staying at a hotel (and wetting the bed like a 3 year old) I booked a sleeper bus to go to Goa Goa. While on the bus I dropped some Tramadol and felt brilliant, talking to other backpackers and decided to stay with some Americans when we got there. But then I took another valium and deciced to go to sleep.
..................
..................................
...............................................
(am I in a dream?)
......................................................................................................
(no I must be dead because I can't wake up)
..................
............
I woke up in a hospital in New Delhi with a cracked skill, yet I was so delirious I thought I was in Cambodia fighting the Khmer Rouge in jungle warfare. Then my mum was there, she had come all the way to India.
Turns out the anti-depressant I was taking at the time gave me serotonin syndrome which put my body into a coma for 3 weeks, shut down my breathing, collapsed a lung and almost stopped my heart. I had been on life support and doctors said it's pretty incredible I survived.
The doctors had done a urine scan and found over 15 positves including ecstacy, cocaine, opiates, various benzos, marijuana, amphetamines and viagra. Then there was the $40,000 bill for private air-ambulances and hospitals.
It was then I realised the party was over.
soldier173
Greenlighter
Change is inevitable
You are correct: The only thing that does not change is that things change.
You are correct: The only thing that does not change is that things change.
unsettled
Bluelighter
reading through some of these posts make my so called rock bottom look like a walk in the park. I think whoever said there is no rock bottom, that things can always get worse or better is right on.
I think the majority of the people on this board are prone to depression and or self destructive behavior, I think the key out of constant hell is recognizing when those periods of depression or self destruction are starting and doing whatever you have to do to try and get yourself out of your head and get some perspective. it's hard, I can't always do it, but I have better luck when I catch myself right before I slip into a depressive state, cuz when I'm depressed I really do reckless dumb shit.
I think you gotta have goals, something that you really want that's not just drugs or instant gratification to move away from these rock bottom situations. I'm doing alright now, but who knows what tomorrow may bring, I really empathize with all these posts and hope everyone can find some light at the end of the tunnel.
I think the majority of the people on this board are prone to depression and or self destructive behavior, I think the key out of constant hell is recognizing when those periods of depression or self destruction are starting and doing whatever you have to do to try and get yourself out of your head and get some perspective. it's hard, I can't always do it, but I have better luck when I catch myself right before I slip into a depressive state, cuz when I'm depressed I really do reckless dumb shit.
I think you gotta have goals, something that you really want that's not just drugs or instant gratification to move away from these rock bottom situations. I'm doing alright now, but who knows what tomorrow may bring, I really empathize with all these posts and hope everyone can find some light at the end of the tunnel.
rant*N*rave
Bluelighter
I guess I'm fortunate that I have always hurt only myself, never anyone else, but I have done some serious damage on more than one occasion.
After a massive blowup with my parents over my boyfriend (who I was seriously in love with and had been with for years), they told me I was simply not allowed to see him anymore because he had been arrested with 2 ounces of pot in his car. A lot more went on that I don't really want to type here, and it ended with my downing a whole bunch of antidepressants and ibuprofen - I wanted to shut down my liver and thus poison my body. I got delirious and started talking to the people living in my walls, and I called my boyfriend to tell him how funny it was. He hung up on me and called my dad, who found me crawling on the bathroom floor, talking to the tiles. I got hauled off in an ambulance where I pissed off the EMTs tremendously and ended up in the hospital and county psych and all that. It's the only time in my entire life that I've seen my dad cry or even really be sad.
After someone did something really horrible to me a couple years ago, I went completely batshit and somehow managed to get myself to the hospital (I walked quite a ways in the rain) after I got scared I would hurt my cats - I was destroying shit in my apartment and was completely enraged and crazy, but somehow I still could experience care for my cats and that was enough to get me out the door. Even though I had taken quite a bit of xanax I was still going fucking crazy. I got to the hospital and was completely whacked out, but I checked myself out a few days later. I ended up right back in the hospital a day later after a friend thought I would kill myself, and sure enough, I tried to hang myself in the psych ward using a rig I made up of a belt and some lawn furniture. They caught me in the act and I ended up on lockdown for three days with someone watching me 24/7. I didn't eat or drink anything for 2 days straight, and I ended up with severe orthostatic hypotension and face planted into the floor while going to pick up my meds one morning.
I guess the good thing about it is that the whole experience put a lot of things in perspective for me, and I've been doing pretty well since then on a new combo of meds and therapy. I have also discovered that there's a good chance that I have a thyroid condition that might be behind a lot of my problems. I actually hope I have the disease! That way I can be treated for my problems - it's a simple medication fix.
After a massive blowup with my parents over my boyfriend (who I was seriously in love with and had been with for years), they told me I was simply not allowed to see him anymore because he had been arrested with 2 ounces of pot in his car. A lot more went on that I don't really want to type here, and it ended with my downing a whole bunch of antidepressants and ibuprofen - I wanted to shut down my liver and thus poison my body. I got delirious and started talking to the people living in my walls, and I called my boyfriend to tell him how funny it was. He hung up on me and called my dad, who found me crawling on the bathroom floor, talking to the tiles. I got hauled off in an ambulance where I pissed off the EMTs tremendously and ended up in the hospital and county psych and all that. It's the only time in my entire life that I've seen my dad cry or even really be sad.
After someone did something really horrible to me a couple years ago, I went completely batshit and somehow managed to get myself to the hospital (I walked quite a ways in the rain) after I got scared I would hurt my cats - I was destroying shit in my apartment and was completely enraged and crazy, but somehow I still could experience care for my cats and that was enough to get me out the door. Even though I had taken quite a bit of xanax I was still going fucking crazy. I got to the hospital and was completely whacked out, but I checked myself out a few days later. I ended up right back in the hospital a day later after a friend thought I would kill myself, and sure enough, I tried to hang myself in the psych ward using a rig I made up of a belt and some lawn furniture. They caught me in the act and I ended up on lockdown for three days with someone watching me 24/7. I didn't eat or drink anything for 2 days straight, and I ended up with severe orthostatic hypotension and face planted into the floor while going to pick up my meds one morning.
I guess the good thing about it is that the whole experience put a lot of things in perspective for me, and I've been doing pretty well since then on a new combo of meds and therapy. I have also discovered that there's a good chance that I have a thyroid condition that might be behind a lot of my problems. I actually hope I have the disease! That way I can be treated for my problems - it's a simple medication fix.