Young marriage and sexual problems

[NameMe68]

Hi,

Ok guys, I know this may sound rather unusual, but I married a woman who has difficulties with intercourse. I know, what was I thinking? Well, I love her as a person. I thought we'd work it out as we were both virgins, and I believed sex should not be a priority. It's not any arranged marriage, it was just kind of like - what do we have to lose? And we kind of had to do that as we lived in different countries. And I had to learn a 3rd language, which I'm still not that good at because it's one of the hardest... Anyway, the point is, she suffers a lot of pain during intercourse and we don't understand why. Sometimes it went great and completely pain-free, but at some point the pain got so extreme that she couldn't do it anymore. We've tried every possible way, lubes and toys, went to several doctors until the last one finally diagnosed her with vulvodynia and prescribed some painkillers , but those didn't change a thing. However, the real cause was suggested that it's because she's been on birth control the whole time. After some discussion, she did agree to quit the pill but I'm still kind of skeptical as it could take a looong time to actually recover from it, if that was even the real cause.

I started getting thoughts that, perhaps, we are simply not meant to be? She's a very small woman and I'm a small guy, but my size down there is quite average. What if some bodies just don't go so well together? Not to mention, my sex drive is rather high compared to hers and because of it I'm addicted to porn. When she's not home, I could masturbate around 5 times daily. Although we did come to a compromise that she does take care of me and I take care of her in other ways, but I really need intercourse too... She begs me to not give up on her and stay because she suspects I might be thinking of leaving. We have a great relationship otherwise, just sex is quite an issue. We have no kids, nor do we want to.. but I am still in a tough spot. I got into a local university thanks to her, and I also kind of invested into this life here. We're both getting a lot out of this actually, I have helped her get her life on track and we both got scholarships. If I quit it all, I would also lose everything...

Not sure what am I even asking here, but this is tricky . I keep reading and hearing of couples who have great sex daily and I become extremely jealous. I would have loved that too, and it may even be possible in the future as my wife is determined to fix this issue. But what if she simply can't despite all the efforts? Am I a horrible person for considering a divorce just because of this?

 

[Cogari]

As a married couple personally I'd suggest "meeting in the middle". You seem to have a very high sex drive, but is that really worth giving up your marriage for? It's important that you talk about this with your wife and try to encourage intercourse...but not at the cost of her being in physical pain. If it's a medical issue then it needs to be solved for her sake, try to be supportive and care for her, look into ointments or medical treatments, because if pain is the reason, then she's not having sex because it HURTS, nothing to do with you but all about the pain it causes her. Put yourself in her shoes, would you have sex with her if it caused you a lot of pain?

The other thing is that as a guy with a high sex drive myself, you need to acccept that while sex is part of a healthy relationship and you shouldn't just give it up, it's not possible for most people to keep up and you can't let pleasure seeking rule your entire life. You need to adress the problem of a chronic need to mastrabate, and discipline yourself to have a little more restraint, because that *uncontrollable* need for orgasm so many times per day is akin to an addiction. I'd recomend couples therapy, you and her, complete honesty.

Don't give up until you exhaust every possible option, and don't get sucked in by the tabloid bullshit. That shit is invented to make people jealous, to make them feel guilty enough to buy a product and forget the other reasons why you're with someone. You're not a horrible person for wanting what you want, but if this lady is trying her hardest, then don't leave her over this.

I'm not an expert man and I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful, but please at least consider trying some of the ideas I've got, and take a careful think without placing sex entirely at the forefront of the situation. I know it's your head and it is a big deal, but on her half this could be scary and frustrating. I feel sorry for someone in that kind of a situation, it's not conscious and it must make her feel awful because she can't make you happy. Do the best you can, and remember what you said, that you love her for more than your body. If you believe that I think you're the kind of person who can really sort the situation out.

 

[NameMe68]

As a married couple personally I'd suggest "meeting in the middle". You seem to have a very high sex drive, but is that really worth giving up your marriage for? It's important that you talk about this with your wife and try to encourage intercourse...but not at the cost of her being in physical pain. If it's a medical issue then it needs to be solved for her sake, try to be supportive and care for her, look into ointments or medical treatments, because if pain is the reason, then she's not having sex because it HURTS, nothing to do with you but all about the pain it causes her. Put yourself in her shoes, would you have sex with her if it caused you a lot of pain?

The other thing is that as a guy with a high sex drive myself, you need to acccept that while sex is part of a healthy relationship and you shouldn't just give it up, it's not possible for most people to keep up and you can't let pleasure seeking rule your entire life. You need to adress the problem of a chronic need to mastrabate, and discipline yourself to have a little more restraint, because that *uncontrollable* need for orgasm so many times per day is akin to an addiction. I'd recomend couples therapy, you and her, complete honesty.

Don't give up until you exhaust every possible option, and don't get sucked in by the tabloid bullshit. That shit is invented to make people jealous, to make them feel guilty enough to buy a product and forget the other reasons why you're with someone. You're not a horrible person for wanting what you want, but if this lady is trying her hardest, then don't leave her over this.

I'm not an expert man and I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful, but please at least consider trying some of the ideas I've got, and take a careful think without placing sex entirely at the forefront of the situation. I know it's your head and it is a big deal, but on her half this could be scary and frustrating. I feel sorry for someone in that kind of a situation, it's not conscious and it must make her feel awful because she can't make you happy. Do the best you can, and remember what you said, that you love her for more than your body. If you believe that I think you're the kind of person who can really sort the situation out.

Thank you so much for the encouragement. You are right, she is not avoiding it on purpose and the reason is most likely the contraceptive. From what I've read, there's quite a few women suffering from pain due to having been taking the pill at an early age. I truly hope it will improve after she quits... And what I meant by how we arrived at a compromise, is that she understands I have a high drive and therefore she is always willing to have other types of sex for my sake. And it works except when I'm alone, then it's out of control with porn... Yea, I don't want to be like this either ... However, the thing I'm scared of , is despite my wife's willingness to fix the pain issue, what if it's simply something about our bodies that doesn't allow for painless intercourse? Some kind of size, skin mismatch? Is that possible that a guy's, ehm, thing simply doesn't fit or is not meant to fit into the girl? I have no experience to compare to, so I really don't even know anything about physical compatibility. I do plan on exhausting every possible option, and we did already try a myriad of ointments, creams, etc. I always keep researching to find more solutions and experiences of people in the similar situations... It's just quite tough at times knowing that I have to physically hurt her hoping that each next time is at least less painful than the last. Not only does it bring her to tears sometimes, but it kind of started affecting me because I don't want to hurt the person I love... So yeah, this is something I had not been prepared for, that's why I posted here to at least get an opinion if am I doing this right?

 

[zephyr]

She needs to go to a gynaecologist as having a retrograde uterus causes pain during sex and its easy enough for them to ultrasound for that.

Just relax and use positions that dont lead to deep penetration and slap on the lube.

 

[Cogari]

That's alright, I'm not gonna do otherwise when someone asks for help. It's not a very pleasant thing, the pill is rough on the body, and in the past I knew a decade ago it could cause some women serious trouble if they reacted badly to it. I knew what you meant about compromising, I got that she understood, I was more thinking advice to get past a compromise and try finding treatment if that's possible. I know you're afraid, but you've got to understand that worrying won't help you. You don't *know* that nothing will work, so that fear about what to do if it doesn't has no use until you really try solving it man. I wouldn't say size is a factor, but then again it leads into more questions, would a lubricant work? Would some kind of salve for her skin help, that's why I suggest the doctor because that's a faster route then looking around for cures and maybe looking up an expensive wrong tree. I understand entirely, you don't need to explain when you've articulated yourself very well and made the best case you can (y) I think you are doing this right, all I can say is try what suggestions work for you, and I'm sure there will be other people who respond who know more than me

 

[Xorkoth]

My ex got on the pill right before we started having sex (we were also both virgins), and we had sex a lot for the first couple of years, then a healthy amount for 2 more years. Then it started to be where she just didn't want it anymore, hardly ever. Drove me nuts. It started coming back eventually when she went off the pill many years later.

My girlfriend now is experiencing depression intermittently, and it lowers her sex drive. Sometimes she is actually horny, and sometimes she just does it because it's been a few days and she can tell I really want it. Basically though, it's hard for her to really get wet during these times, because she's not really feeling it that much, and even using lube only helps somewhat. If it starts causing her pain, we stop. Kinda sucks especially because she's not on the pill and never has been and for the first 2 years she wanted it 2-3 times a day and was constantly initiating it, it was awesome. It bums me out some, but I know it bums her out too, and when she's happy she's really into it still. So even though it can be frustrating, I'm sure as hell not gonna leave over it. I love our relationship, it would be senseless to throw it away because my sex drive is higher than hers.

 

[BehindtheShadow]

It could also be endometriosis, it kills sex drive and causes pain during intercourse.
I have it, stage 4 and its terrible thing to live with.
She can go have an ultra sound and a laparoscopy (this will diagnose it quick)

I am 31 I have suffered for over 12 years with this disease