You

[pk.]

You have climbed
The mountains of
Nepal and
Crossed many
Oceans.
You speak three
Different languages
And you drink
Imported
Coffee.
You have a lovely
House and a
Lovely garden
And your many
Friends are
All very lovely.
I'm broke,
Both financially
And mentally.
I rarely leave
My house, or
My room.
I eat stale
Bread and
The inside
Of my fridge
Is like a
Tundra.
Still,
You love me -
And I find
That utterly
Amusing.

 

[ForEverAfter]

Awesome. I really enjoyed this. Though, I preferred it when it wasn't broken up into two stanzas. Before you edited it. I would cut the word "nice" before "imported coffee" and the word "even" before "still". And squash it back together. Otherwise I have no criticisms. When people write poetry, a lot of the time, they use exotic 'poetic' sounding words. I can make an infinite number of "cool" sounding poems with a thesaurus. What you've done here, using simple language to convey a complex truth, is far more difficult. Nicely done. I always enjoy reading your verse.

 

[pk.]

Thanks for the critique, I agree, it looks and sounds a lot tighter with your recommendations. Also I'm glad you mentioned my use of language, I have been battling within my mind as to whether I have simplified too much or not - it's probably my biggest concern when sitting at the table and writing. Once again, thanks for taking the time to read/critique.

 

[debaser]

You cannot simplify "too much" a creation. Simplify all you can, prune, go to the heart.

Very nice pk

 

[pk.]

^ Good advice, thanks lou

 

[Raz]

I'm glad you didn't break it up, it works really well like this

 

[pk.]

Thanks Raz, I was actually reading some of your old work last night; it has been a while, will we be seeing any new stuff soon?!