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Venting Yelling and stomping in relationships

Yea I learned from my dad to just stay quiet, it used to drive my drunk mom even crazier when he’d not yell back. Sometimes they are looking for a reaction.

I also tend to try to create space, if they keep following you around even when you tell them to leave you alone I’d say that’s abuse/harassment.

-GC
 
It depends on the content of what they're communicating.

If they're not saying anything I can process, then I talk to them like a child and ask them to use their words.

If they're angry and making sense, then I confront what they're saying like an adult, and just deal with the fact that they're angry.

Anger is healthy when channeled appropriately. I won't spend time with someone whose anger is toxic and unproductive. Likewise, I won't spent time with someone who can't handle other people's anger. Both are debilities.
 
I try to avoid such people to begin with.

But any time I got into an argument with a significant other and either of us started to raise voices, I'd just say We both need to cool off and discuss this later.
Then I'd take a walk for an hour or so.

This always worked-- after I stopped dating rage-aholics, psychotics and sociopaths.
 
Fiori di Bella said:
How do you handle someone who yells, screams and stomps in a relationship?
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My childhood has brought me enough of dealing with abusive narcissistic adults who are emotional toddlers for a hundred lifetimes.
If I was in a relationship with someone who did that, I'd give them some space and tell them that I refuse to talk to them if they are going to scream like a small child.
Once they'd cooled down, I'd tell them that I'm gone if they try to treat me like that again.
I really don't have patience for people who pull that shit, and it is always indicative of much larger mental and emotional issues.
There is no point staying in a relationship with someone who is childish and verbally abusive.
I've done it before and it was pretty damaging emotionally. I've since learned to prioritize my mental health above hoping that I could somehow fix or change someone else's behaviour.
I can only change my own behaviour and my own life, so that's what I focus on.
 
Fiori di Bella said:
How do you handle someone who yells, screams and stomps in a relationship?
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well it sounds like you're asking from a woman's perspective dealing with a guy, correct?

i would say don't tolerate it - show him the door

yelling, depending about what it is, may be just his personality, but screaming - no - and stomping - even more no - say goodbye 👋
 
I listen, calm them, try to relate as best i can and try not to get defensive and take things so personal, i see patterns of them trying to push me away or any manipulation, i direct them to get help
 
This is actually in regards to a friendship. I’m unable to tell her anything she doesn’t want to hear without her freaking out. It’s really difficult to hang out with her, unless I’m willing to keep everything very light, and never disagree. So we watch the movies she wants, eat the food she likes, and do the things she wants.

She wasn’t always like this, but she’s having lots of marital troubles and I think she takes out her frustrations on me. I gently encouraged her to get a therapist a few days ago. Luckily she was open to my suggestion, but wants me to go with her the first time or two.

It’s also difficult because I am her only friend. We’ve been friends for 10-12 years and we do have lots of fun, it’s just that she’s been a real pain dealing with things she doesn’t want to deal with lately.
 
Fiori di Bella said:
This is actually in regards to a friendship. I’m unable to tell her anything she doesn’t want to hear without her freaking out. It’s really difficult to hang out with her, unless I’m willing to keep everything very light, and never disagree. So we watch the movies she wants, eat the food she likes, and do the things she wants.

She wasn’t always like this, but she’s having lots of marital troubles and I think she takes out her frustrations on me. I gently encouraged her to get a therapist a few days ago. Luckily she was open to my suggestion, but wants me to go with her the first time or two.

It’s also difficult because I am her only friend. We’ve been friends for 10-12 years and we do have lots of fun, it’s just that she’s been a real pain dealing with things she doesn’t want to deal with lately.
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It sounds like your friend may have some mental/emotional issues stemming from childhood that prevent her from having proper friendships/relationships or interactions with others and fully conceptualizing others outside of herself.

Getting her into therapy is a VERY GOOD idea. The hard part will be finding a therapist who can challenge what she says without her getting upset at being questioned even slightly and leaving.
 
Fiori di Bella said:
How do you handle someone who yells, screams and stomps in a relationship?
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Not well at all. But my mother loves it. She's got a fiery European temperament whereas I'm more like my British dad (and culture).


Fiori di Bella said:
It’s also difficult because I am her only friend. We’ve been friends for 10-12 years and we do have lots of fun, it’s just that she’s been a real pain dealing with things she doesn’t want to deal with lately.
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I have a female friend in Zurich (Austro-Hungarian) who has "paprika in the blood" like my mum. She throws tantrums. I handle it like I handle anyone who gives me grief -- block her for a while 😅
 
Fiori di Bella said:
This is actually in regards to a friendship. I’m unable to tell her anything she doesn’t want to hear without her freaking out. It’s really difficult to hang out with her, unless I’m willing to keep everything very light, and never disagree. So we watch the movies she wants, eat the food she likes, and do the things she wants.

She wasn’t always like this, but she’s having lots of marital troubles and I think she takes out her frustrations on me. I gently encouraged her to get a therapist a few days ago. Luckily she was open to my suggestion, but wants me to go with her the first time or two.

It’s also difficult because I am her only friend. We’ve been friends for 10-12 years and we do have lots of fun, it’s just that she’s been a real pain dealing with things she doesn’t want to deal with lately.
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Ok - a little more context keeps me from making assumptions :cool:

sounds like you're handling it well - it's good that you're not telling her to fuck off or just starting to ignore her by not picking up her calls

but yea sounds like you'll have to pick your moments to tell her whats annoying you? or say it as nicely as possible?

maybe don't always run to take her calls and make a little more distance and then maybe she'll get the picture that way....that can work, have you tried that?
 
I'll grudgingly admit that a little more context may be needed but as a general rule, just get out of there. Adults have a responsibility to manage their emotions the best they can, especially so when they may be interpreted as violent or threatening to others (in some cases, there's a pretty fine line between violent expressions of emotion and actual, emotionally fuelled violence).

There may be extenuating circumstances. Been together a long time, partner changes after some kind of trauma, like being exposed to the horrors of war or whatever? Give them a little more leeway.

They've always been like that and you're hoping they'll change? Just give up, seriously. You're worth more than that. Give them the space they obviously need to work on themselves and avoid spewing their inner maelstrom of hatred out into the world and particularly - onto you.
 
Fiori di Bella said:
How do you handle someone who yells, screams and stomps in a relationship?
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Honestly, I think I cannot handle,
I thought for a long time that I could get used to that till the person changed... but no
most people don't change at all and you can be all tenderness, that wouldn't change the inner problematic core of that person.

The only temporary thing to do is :
1- to scare that person with hard reaction (not recommend it)
2- to ignore that person for a while.

I ended up hating people who yells or get angry for no reason, it's better not to have serious relationships with them.

OH sorry, now I see it's a friendship. Then probably being very patient and telling them seriously that you want to help her/him but in certain conditions, not if they behave that way, telling them in a serious way.
 
I don't associate with people who arc up like this as it sets off my cPTSD really badly. I lived in a sharehouse with an awful, manipulative piece of shit housemate who blamed everything he did which was abusive on his bipolar and autism and I'm like 'im bipolar and autistic but I take responsibility for my mistakes' however all he wanted to do was smoke cones all day, play videogames, and not pick up after himself. He had (and to my knowledge still has) a girlfriend who was paid a small amount of money to be his carer. She had to clean up everything after him and he constantly abused her for the slightest mistake. It was horrible to see and witness. My other roommates, Eric, would often come knock on my door when he started raging at her for one reason or another and take me out for a walk and a joint to get my mind off the situation. Eventually when I had exams for law, I realised the environment had been so uncondusive to studying in that I needed to apply for deferred replacement exams and when I told the university counselling service about my situation they granted my request under domestic violence as he would stamp his feet, yell, scream abuse, slam doors and throw things around. He also behaved very manipulative towards me and broke my spirit down by constantly referring to me as a junky (one time I got home from rehab at around 7:30pm and I walked past his door which was open, and there were around 5 people in there. He called out 'welcome home Eli, don't get too comfortable I'll be in to check under your mattress for dirty needles in a minute you little junky' and I felt so bad I just walked straight to my room and cried for half an hour (this was early after going to rehab so I still felt a heap of shame about my use I no longer really feel). Eric's girlfriend blew up at my old house mate for saying that and ripped into him in front of the group he had there saying 'at least Eli is doing something about his problem, you just sit here smoking cones and selling drugs all day pretending you don't have any issues'

I eventually moved out from there (luckily I never signed any lease) and he tried a bunch more bullshit to get me to keep paying him money but I gave him a lump sum and that was it. I couldn't stand him anymore after a certain point. I simply found him to be one of the most unpleasant, unlikeable people I've ever had the misfortune to have met.

In terms of romantic relationships, I once dated a girl for a short period of time (maybe 2 months) who I also barely saw that whole time due to conflicting schedules l, and who I never even kissed. I was trying my hardest to not classic cPTSD my relationship and run away at whatever slight issue I could find with the other person so when I found out that she had a pedophile cousin who she supported and advocated for I tried my best to sit with it and see if I could be okay with it.

I could not. I became increasingly more uncomfortable with it and eventually realised I needed to break up with her. I drove over to her house and we sat and chatted for a bit before I did it, but I didn't say it was because of the cousin I said it was because of our schedules (which was also completely true).

Now, early on in the relationship I had told her about being on suboxone as I figured if it became serious she would find out anyway and given her dad died of a heroin overdose and I used heroin when I could find it, it seemed only fair. She told me in the same vein that she 'used' to be emotionally abusive towards partners in relationships but I was like 'well if I can change, you can change' and gave her the benefit of the doubt. I did however state that if she raised her voice at me a single time in an abusive way that I would walk straight out the door as I don't tolerate that sort of behaviour anymore.

The day we broke up, she started having a go at me. She called me a robot and said that just because I don't have feelings that doesn't mean nobody else does. I do have feelings, I'd just processed all of this with my therapist the week before. Then she started telling at me and having a go at me so I interrupted, and just said a bunch of sentences: 'i told you when we first started dating if you ever raised your voice abusively to me that I would walk out the door. That was your first and only warning. You are trying to bait me into having an argument with you to get me to stay and I won't do that. I'm leaving now.'

She just sat there stunned and I walked straight out the door, deleted and blocked her on Facebook, then the dating app we met on, and blocked her phone number.

I don't tolerate this sort of behaviour from people in my life.
 
Eligiu said:
I don't associate with people who arc up like this as it sets off my cPTSD really badly. I lived in a sharehouse with an awful, manipulative piece of shit housemate who blamed everything he did which was abusive on his bipolar and autism and I'm like 'im bipolar and autistic but I take responsibility for my mistakes' however all he wanted to do was smoke cones all day, play videogames, and not pick up after himself. He had (and to my knowledge still has) a girlfriend who was paid a small amount of money to be his carer. She had to clean up everything after him and he constantly abused her for the slightest mistake. It was horrible to see and witness. My other roommates, Eric, would often come knock on my door when he started raging at her for one reason or another and take me out for a walk and a joint to get my mind off the situation. Eventually when I had exams for law, I realised the environment had been so uncondusive to studying in that I needed to apply for deferred replacement exams and when I told the university counselling service about my situation they granted my request under domestic violence as he would stamp his feet, yell, scream abuse, slam doors and throw things around. He also behaved very manipulative towards me and broke my spirit down by constantly referring to me as a junky (one time I got home from rehab at around 7:30pm and I walked past his door which was open, and there were around 5 people in there. He called out 'welcome home Eli, don't get too comfortable I'll be in to check under your mattress for dirty needles in a minute you little junky' and I felt so bad I just walked straight to my room and cried for half an hour (this was early after going to rehab so I still felt a heap of shame about my use I no longer really feel). Eric's girlfriend blew up at my old house mate for saying that and ripped into him in front of the group he had there saying 'at least Eli is doing something about his problem, you just sit here smoking cones and selling drugs all day pretending you don't have any issues'

I eventually moved out from there (luckily I never signed any lease) and he tried a bunch more bullshit to get me to keep paying him money but I gave him a lump sum and that was it. I couldn't stand him anymore after a certain point. I simply found him to be one of the most unpleasant, unlikeable people I've ever had the misfortune to have met.

In terms of romantic relationships, I once dated a girl for a short period of time (maybe 2 months) who I also barely saw that whole time due to conflicting schedules l, and who I never even kissed. I was trying my hardest to not classic cPTSD my relationship and run away at whatever slight issue I could find with the other person so when I found out that she had a pedophile cousin who she supported and advocated for I tried my best to sit with it and see if I could be okay with it.

I could not. I became increasingly more uncomfortable with it and eventually realised I needed to break up with her. I drove over to her house and we sat and chatted for a bit before I did it, but I didn't say it was because of the cousin I said it was because of our schedules (which was also completely true).

Now, early on in the relationship I had told her about being on suboxone as I figured if it became serious she would find out anyway and given her dad died of a heroin overdose and I used heroin when I could find it, it seemed only fair. She told me in the same vein that she 'used' to be emotionally abusive towards partners in relationships but I was like 'well if I can change, you can change' and gave her the benefit of the doubt. I did however state that if she raised her voice at me a single time in an abusive way that I would walk straight out the door as I don't tolerate that sort of behaviour anymore.

The day we broke up, she started having a go at me. She called me a robot and said that just because I don't have feelings that doesn't mean nobody else does. I do have feelings, I'd just processed all of this with my therapist the week before. Then she started telling at me and having a go at me so I interrupted, and just said a bunch of sentences: 'i told you when we first started dating if you ever raised your voice abusively to me that I would walk out the door. That was your first and only warning. You are trying to bait me into having an argument with you to get me to stay and I won't do that. I'm leaving now.'

She just sat there stunned and I walked straight out the door, deleted and blocked her on Facebook, then the dating app we met on, and blocked her phone number.

I don't tolerate this sort of behaviour from people in my life.


I believe that in a relationship it is very important to build sufficiently high-quality communication between partners in order to understand each other better. On the website https://graduateway.com/essay-examples/effective-communication/ I often read useful and scientific articles about effective communication in various areas, including personal relationships.
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Thanks for sharing this story.
 
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