Yay another recovery diary

slw0363 said:
I don't know who you are but I came here because I was feeling down on myself (I don't even have drugs this time) and you so lifted my spirits. I love you too, stranger. Thank you❤️
Alright I'm going to sleep I gotta be up in 3 hours for a 12 hour shift 😭
Shelby 2/17/22 2:29am
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Time For Bed Weekend GIF
hope you sleep deep and dream light, look forward to seeing you, WORK IT BOY!!
 
Having lots of complicated feelings today. There's something that is especially on my mind. I hate it when people who are good at boundaries sit and sympathize with your problems as to not let them be their problems too. And I get it like I don't want even my worst enemy to take on my problems. I literally don't. Nobody should have to struggle in the way that I struggle. But at the same time... it's like... don't you see that I'm struggling? Don't you see that I don't know how to be an adult? Don't you see that left alone to my own vices, I choose wrong shit. I mean it sucks though because I don't actually know what I want them to do... I don't know what I want anybody to do. I just... I know that I'm struggling... Like I'm alive. And I have my dog. And my housing. In fact, I'm like $2000 ahead on rent so I'm really grateful. Extremely grateful. Because I think I'm about to lose my job. I mean... I'm not at the point limit for being fired yet but I just so feel it's impending like I have 7.5 points and you get fired at 9 points. Anyways I was almost fired once, but there happened to be a flaw in the clocking in system that granted me a couple points off... But this time I don't think I'm going to get that kind of grace. I love my job but my boss is pretty much ignoring me and I even feel in myself that I've kinda just... idk... I don't even feel confident in myself that I'm going to be able to make it all the way through. Like I'm going to try and I pray that I keep on trying and never give up hope, but I kind of already am and I don't know what to do idk if I should just talk to my boss and let her know how I feel... She seems really cool and understanding and honest, but like... What if she's just having a bad day? How do you even tell a boss that you've pretty much given up on yourself? It sucks because I"ve been through this so many times I know exactly how a boss treats an employer that they're about to fire... They're all the same.... They stop treating them like a team member, they pinpoint them, they don't ask them to participate in the group. I don't know what I"m going to do. And then on top of that I'm feeling so.. bored. ... and also at the same time like I can do everything perfect and still suck at my job. And I guess that's part of the reason I don't know how to stay at any place I go... Job, college, it doesn't matter, is that every time someone points out or discovers a flaw about me it feels like literally the biggest fucking thing like the whole world has a magnifying glass on it and is actively thinking about how terrible it is for the next months like typing that out it feels like an exaggeration but in reality that's actually how that feels like it's always like someone is always judging me somewhere for something I can't control or they're judging me when I'm literally trying my best, and I can't take it. It breaks me all the time, because I know that they're noit knowing that. Or I guess maybe more recently am I trying to make myself actively aware that they're not doing this on a continuous basis... but it's taking a lot of work to even realize it after it's happened little alone when it's happening. LIke I can catch myself only days later after I've felt all the pain of the ridicule that I feed to myself, and generally speaking after I've gotten high about it.
I guess I don't know why I care so much about what people think about me. I sometimes wish I didn't. Sometimes I feel like it makes me a better person. I feel just fucking shame. Always feel shame no matter what I do... if I am doing my best: shame my worst: shame if I do something wrong: shame something nice: shame it donesn't matter I jjust feel shame.
I wonder if I get high because then I can focus on something else that ISN'T the shame....
even though I feel a lot of shame afterwords in the very moment I don't actually have to feel shame...
Let me note... I feel shame for feeling shame.
shelby 2/17/22 1:34pm
 
Robi said:
just love reading on youuuuuuuuuu, so pleased you didnt unalive self, imma use that, and i so much like the way YOU think, keep on posting, id really appreciate it, lost my mom at 58 and i was 40,she was a bright light in this world, not just saying that Ms. Byrd practically own a small villiage,she was so loved, she looked and aked like carol burnette.you best out live her,you never know what the day will bring....a few of you roll around in my brain thro the day and you were one of them, you keep ur fukkn head up,but not in a torrential down poor ok? pleased so very pleased ur doin better, even if a lil, im in early 50`s but ive seen chit that make ur toes curl, and selfishily i dont want to see you gone, we might be strangers but every single one of us are a community member , and for some theres def a sense of family of friends, and know im yours now~tassels your hair!! mind yah self yah hear!!
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slw0363 said:
Having lots of complicated feelings today. There's something that is especially on my mind. I hate it when people who are good at boundaries sit and sympathize with your problems as to not let them be their problems too. And I get it like I don't want even my worst enemy to take on my problems. I literally don't. Nobody should have to struggle in the way that I struggle. But at the same time... it's like... don't you see that I'm struggling? Don't you see that I don't know how to be an adult? Don't you see that left alone to my own vices, I choose wrong shit. I mean it sucks though because I don't actually know what I want them to do... I don't know what I want anybody to do. I just... I know that I'm struggling... Like I'm alive. And I have my dog. And my housing. In fact, I'm like $2000 ahead on rent so I'm really grateful. Extremely grateful. Because I think I'm about to lose my job. I mean... I'm not at the point limit for being fired yet but I just so feel it's impending like I have 7.5 points and you get fired at 9 points. Anyways I was almost fired once, but there happened to be a flaw in the clocking in system that granted me a couple points off... But this time I don't think I'm going to get that kind of grace. I love my job but my boss is pretty much ignoring me and I even feel in myself that I've kinda just... idk... I don't even feel confident in myself that I'm going to be able to make it all the way through. Like I'm going to try and I pray that I keep on trying and never give up hope, but I kind of already am and I don't know what to do idk if I should just talk to my boss and let her know how I feel... She seems really cool and understanding and honest, but like... What if she's just having a bad day? How do you even tell a boss that you've pretty much given up on yourself? It sucks because I"ve been through this so many times I know exactly how a boss treats an employer that they're about to fire... They're all the same.... They stop treating them like a team member, they pinpoint them, they don't ask them to participate in the group. I don't know what I"m going to do. And then on top of that I'm feeling so.. bored. ... and also at the same time like I can do everything perfect and still suck at my job. And I guess that's part of the reason I don't know how to stay at any place I go... Job, college, it doesn't matter, is that every time someone points out or discovers a flaw about me it feels like literally the biggest fucking thing like the whole world has a magnifying glass on it and is actively thinking about how terrible it is for the next months like typing that out it feels like an exaggeration but in reality that's actually how that feels like it's always like someone is always judging me somewhere for something I can't control or they're judging me when I'm literally trying my best, and I can't take it. It breaks me all the time, because I know that they're noit knowing that. Or I guess maybe more recently am I trying to make myself actively aware that they're not doing this on a continuous basis... but it's taking a lot of work to even realize it after it's happened little alone when it's happening. LIke I can catch myself only days later after I've felt all the pain of the ridicule that I feed to myself, and generally speaking after I've gotten high about it.
I guess I don't know why I care so much about what people think about me. I sometimes wish I didn't. Sometimes I feel like it makes me a better person. I feel just fucking shame. Always feel shame no matter what I do... if I am doing my best: shame my worst: shame if I do something wrong: shame something nice: shame it donesn't matter I jjust feel shame.
I wonder if I get high because then I can focus on something else that ISN'T the shame....
even though I feel a lot of shame afterwords in the very moment I don't actually have to feel shame...
Let me note... I feel shame for feeling shame.
shelby 2/17/22 1:34pm
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boy oh boy, you are going thru it, mah brotha from a diff motha, i can really relate from the past, i was hanging onto shame hard few months back, atleast you feel, but sure hope you let go, again appreciate your sharing, its hard not to care what ppl think, but im starting to, just starting not to care so much, folks seem to be so focused on their selves , they really dont care.......im sure youre not so hard on others, so try to remember and let go,takes time but im a late bloomer, because i still love people so much, its almost as if say.....you see someone with a bad scar, you dont mind it, ignore it persay but lawd if it was on you, you would be all concerned, maybe look into some books on self shaming..........i read some from sexual abuse survivors, i use to work in a safe house for domestic abuse and it really put alot into perspective, i care for you, so wish things smooth out for you, stoked you got rent covered, i was getting stressed i could not make mortgage, seems everything always works out, i often feel shameful for worrying(such a waste of life) so much and not trusting in the universe*typos, bad grammar and awful punctuation, misspelling included* fuck em babe, take care of yourself and be kind to others, work your ass off no matter what, eat your veges, flip off others with a big playful smile
 
Hi guys, how's it going?
I'm doing pretty meh, not even going to lie. I'm writing because I'm just generally feeling like a piece of shit. I mean this is how I feel most of the time but at the moment I'm just.... exceptionally feeling this way. I don't want to be high anymore, I don't want to get high ever again. I know how many times I've said that I started saying that shit like about a year into my addiction, and here we are six years later. I mean, don't get me wrong the feeling has grown and the intentions have grown and I have grown, but I still hate it.
A question that's popping through my head right now is why do I hate it so much so maybe it will help me to spell it out. I wanna say "no it won't help me" but who knows.
-I hate getting high because I pick at my skin. I'm truly afraid of getting blood clots and it going to my heart or brain and like... Sometimes I feel like I might have some type of aneurism one day. I think it would be important for me to upload some pictures of how bad things get. It's very much in the realm of "OCD" and I might write about that later. I'm pretty sure I have some form of OCD even sober. I can't even go out in public because it's so bad. I feel like any and everybody is judging me for the sores on my face and the bad part is I know they are. I even struggle to take my trash or walk my dog because I'm afraid I'll walk into somebody.
-I hate getting high because I can't focus. I'm like that during a normal day, too, but it's like extreme on the shit. I can plan to do dishes and get up off of this chair to go do dishes, but I'll find about 30 things in between here and there that will distract me and make me forget about doing dishes.
-I hate getting high because the longer I get high, the more I hear my heart do funny things just by walking up a flight of staris.
-I hate getting high because of all the delusions. I hate literally having myself convinced that I'm going to die of cancer or a bloodclot or a heart. I feel like someone is constantly outside my window looking at me. I constantly feel like I'm going to get busted by the feds (dumb I know) even for a 20 sac. And let it be known I do not sale and have no intentions on it. I should also write a post about that.
-I hate getting high because the people associated with getting high aren't always trustworthy and it's made me just... not trust anybody
-I hate getting high because it makes me not trust myself. When I come down I'm all like "I hate getting high this is the worst thing ever" and then by 8pm that same day I'm searching for another bag.
-I hate getting high because I've kind of trained people around expecting me to have shit and if they wanna get high, they can always come around me.
-I hate getting high because it changes friendships. If you're friends with somebody and then one day y'all find out that eachother get high and then get high with eachother (and I'm not even talking about sex) the core of the friendship is completely different, and I've only known one way to overcome that and that's through distancing yourself physically.
-I hate getting high because I'm not as outgoing, or fun. I have 2 functions when I'm high and that's horny and sad. I don't know sympathetic I don't know concern I don't know any of those emotions. Everything just becomes this big heaping pile of overwhelming shit and then I just freeze (or fawn) and let everything pile up.
-I hate getting high because I grit my teeth a lot and I think that overall (not even talking about the gritting) my teeth are just decaying
-I hate getting high because I feel like a 20 year old constantly, like the place I was mentally when I started my addiction is the exact same place I am in now. Like I have grown, but have I learned anything? Maybe how to not trust people, and that life is a little harder for me than it is for everybody else, but what actual life experience things have I learned and maintained???? Not much.
-I hate getting high because it makes me do stupid shit like mostly I sit around and jack off all day when I'm high. It's fucking stupid. I wish I could take away my sexuality (not the gay part but how I feel like off the shit I'll never be able to have sex again and that I'm 27 I should be having all the sex I ever wanted. Like I feel a hole in my soul where my sexuality should be and it's not there because the drugs took that away) so I could never get horny again. Sex and dope are so closely related for me that when I get any type of horny, I want to get high, and when I'm high I'm like I said earlier, either sad or horny. And I hate even talking about it but it plays such a major role in my life now that I can't NOT talk about it if I want to get help.
-I hate dope because I don't take care of myself on it. Like I often don't feel like I have energy anyways, but it's not like when I'm high I go out and read books to orphan children or learn about computer coding (like I've wanted to do for a long time now) or go plant a garden. No I don't do any of those things. Why? Because I'm too busy picking at my skin and finding my next bag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-I hate dope because it took away my energy when I'm sober, it's like I have to have some dope to do dishes or to take a shower or anything. I can't believe how bad all of it has gotten
-I hate getting high because it takes away my inhibitions sexually and I had a pretty big sex drive and was into weird shit before the dope, but now it's even weirder. Like ok so I definitely am going to do a post on this but I've gotten into sexual hypno. It's so fucked up because I thought I could use it to take away the feelings of shame I have while getting high, but I really don't believe it's doing anything. Like maybe it is. I'm going to watch a sexual hypno reversal video to hopefully get rid of anything that has happened today.
I'M FUCKIN OVER GETTING HIGH MAN like I just can't believe how bad things are. I don't have food in the fridge. I don't have money for food really. I got like $25. I have problems with my health, and I said at the beginning I would never let my health take a toll because of it.
I miss my mom so terribly. I guess I miss the thought of her because she got real mean there at the end right before she left. But it's like I have nobody who I can trust and who won't judge me to ask questions about life to, or to sew a button back on jeans. Like don't get me wrong.. I'm going to eventually google how to do that but google fuckin judges the shit out of you they used to only throw up ads for samhsa when I would google something about dying or how to get sober but now I google "how to clean your oven" and google is like "GET HELP NOW" lol. I feel like there's a lot of growing in certain ways I've done too that I'm sad she has missed out on. I feel like there were a lot of panic attacks she could have helped me through. I feel I'm scared to even talk to her now because I don't think she would see me the same way anymore.

You know... I'm glad I've never really ran from my emotions like if I felt something, I was ok acknowledging it at least in my head. I've never really NOT been that. But I wonder if I really haven't processed a lot of it.

I feel like people constantly take advantage of how nice I am, and the fact that the dope turns off my ability to remember a lot of things as they're happening. Like I'm glad that on the outside they call themselves my friend but on the inside I know they have motives that maybe they might not be able to understand. And unfortunately... those motives take away from me. And it's like... idk... I support my friends but I can't be their stepping stool for their own addictions, you know? At the end of the day, and as nice as they want to be, and as lonely as I'm going to get... I have to say that I can't anymore like I've GOT to move on.

Like I plead with myself to please move on, that this is hurting me... But I don't trust myself for 5 or even 10 minutes from now to not justify me getting high or me smoking a few poofs.... And that's a change just within 5 or 10 minutes, little alone 3 days, a year, or the rest of my life.

I often feel like I don't know what to do. And a lot of times I pick at my skin to a point that my hands are caked with blood, so I try to tell myself to come here and write instead. And it helps me... a lot. It helps me process things it helps me realize things, it gets shit off my chest... but right now I just... I still feel like I don't know what to do.

I know yes check in to rehab go to a meeting listen to speaker meetings yes I know... but it's like... something inside of me... fundamentally... on a spiritual level... is wrong. And I don't know what it is it just feels that way.

I guess people call that shame... But in reality that shame feels like this heavy burden of something that is carrying me rather than me carrying it, and that it'll never leave my side, no matter how hard I try to get rid of it. I hope I get sober and stay that way for the rest of my life and I hope that in a few years I can look back and question why I had such a hard time... But right now... It just feels like I can't really do it anymore.

shelby
2/22/22 6:05pm
 
So like... Here's something I'll discuss later.

I think I have morgellons.

And yes I know that you are going to tell me to go take a shower and go to bed. I did the first part I'm working on the second part.

Part of why I've been going crazy though is all the fucking weird ass skin symptoms that I have no idea how to describe like there are no english words that I know of that can describe, in any order, the things that happen after smoking a bowl.

And then I get online and see that other people, as wild as they fuckin sound... They're also having similar symptoms like I literally can't laugh at them because the same shit is happening to me. It's like... A very.... Idk... I'm just ready to quit dope honestly... It's like a very other worldly thing... I know there will be some symptoms of dehydration and some with doing a substance that isn't known of where it comes from.... I get it.... But these symptoms are like... An entire other realm of physical possibility.

I'm so glad sleeping eating showering and drinking water helps it go away. I think I'll do just those things for awhile.

Shelby 2/20/22 11:51pm
 
TW BLOOD GORE

Ok so... Here's why I think I have morgellons.
I'm going to go through an immediate list from a non-drug induced lense as much as possible. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to list out what I thought I saw and then what it probably could had been. What I'm about to say... OK so this is just a short list of symptoms that I can think of while I wait for my sleep meds to kick in, but here goes nothing.
There's only 1 symptom that I don't know how to explain because I have video of it happening... I will still try to give a cause, but even then like... You can see it plain as day on the video. I've went back and watched it multiple times trying to convince myself it was something else...

1: So the first symtpom is that I get weird fuckin white hairs that suddenly pop out of my skin... (it gets weirder, just fucking wait) like in my video I'm picking at my skin because it felt like something weird was happening to my skin. I wasn't picking around for the white hairs, I was picking at a scab on my cheek, but as I was doing that all around my cheek random long white hairs started appearing to come out of pores on my skin. This video isn't like 30 Seconds in low definition this video is fucking 15 minutes of this happening in high goddamn definition. Now... The hairs are like finite like they're thin and the problem is... I'm gaslighting myself into believing my solution for it...
1 answer: I have a dog with white hair and maybe his hair got embedded somehow in my oil on my face or idk what... Like I said I don't really have an answer for video evidence.

2: So when I smoked today (because of course I did) these sores started popping up like my skin was opening and it feels like my lymph nodes swell when I get high.
Every single time.
That's a lot of the reason I pick anymore because these random ass sores started opening on my face.
2 answer: could be that I don't remeber picking at them or that my vision was blurry while high. Sometimes I Will see dots or gray specs and assume they're on my skin as well and pick at them

3: I have a sore in the back of my head that hardens and then when I put some kind of moisturizer on it (this has been going on a for a couple weeks now) this clear oily fast drying liquid exploads.

3a: maybe it's some type of oil plug? I've been so bad about taking showers my hole life like not just bad but probably worst you ever knew. Like I cannot for the life of me force myself to just take a fucking shower most of the time. It feels like suck a huge undertaking, and my mom never really enforced taking a shower, although usually like once a week she encouraged it and I was much better about it when I lived with her vs now, but I've never been great at taking a shower and maybe excess oil accumulated under my skin and it's now just coming out?
Idk about this one either.

4: I often feel liquid under my skin and I can move it around
4a: maybe I'm hypersensitive to lymphatic drainage?

5: I think I have lymphorea sometimes
5a: I probably do because I have picked at my skin so severely.

Anyways I'm going to upload a picture now.

It is what it is.

Yes... I know it's going to kill me. I know. I'm not suicidal though in that picture or now. This picture was taken a few months ago.

Anyways... I'll talk to you guys later.
Shelby 2/21/22 10:36pm

 
So I'm not doing this for validation I'm just doing it because it's the 1,682nd time I've broken a pipe or smashed a needle with the intentions of quitting and it's the 1,682nd time that I really mean it... I'm done. I'm blocking a contact that sales to me and I'm half tempted to block another one... And I should talk about her for a moment...

She's cool she's a middle aged woman who does the shit. She's a very independent person, like I think I cling to her a little because she reminds me of my mom like she has a very "I'm going to do what makes me happy, because I find joy in it" and I have to be extremely careful because my brain will justify my friendship with her for two reasons: 1: because I want to learn some joy about being my own person and 2: there's part of me that feels like everybody (especially women) should have a friend who won't hit on them and will try to view their problems without bias or judgment. And this is especially true being that I'm a gay guy... I feel like a lot of women can truly confide in me and be safe because first off I'm not into the hooha like I'm a gold star gay, I've never been with a woman, I've seen what they have to offer, it doesn't appeal to me any. It's most likely the only thing I'm sure about in my whole entire life is my sexuality lol.
Ahd not only that but I'm 6'2 and a bigger dude right like not many people are willing to find out if I can fight or not... I mean don't get me wrong I cannot at ALL fight... Like if someone punches me I'm more likely to cry because I got my feelings hurt like I'm THAT type of dude haha... But anyways... Back to the original point... There have been many of times that I have offered to walk a female to their car at night or carry groceries inside for them and I legitimately am just doing it to be a kind person. For the record if anybody told me they felt like they were unsafe, male or female, I would do the same for them. But I will justify that I can be that for her when she's mostly surrounded by guys who do dope and hit on her and stuff. I felt very protective over my mom like that too. I always got so upset because I saw random truck drivers (my mom and I worked together at a hotel for a few years and there was a trucking company that had a contract with our hotel that was like "you can stay here for this rate" so we would get lots of truckers) and they would like do stupid fucking things like one dude just randomly took pictures of my mom while she was at work without her consent... One group of guys put a bunch of cans of beer out and the cans led to their room.... Just fuckin stupid like.... I cannot believe we live in a world where a girl has to deal with getting aggressively hit on just by walking down a street. Like I certainly don't have to deal with that like it upsets me that anybody does especially my mom but also I feel a little bit about that for all women too.

So anyways here's the kicker....

She lives two doors down.. 😖

And she's nice and everything... But she's also addicted to the casino... And casino addicts are fucking scary as fuck I got sold dope with salt by someone that I thought would never do that to me and I truly believe it was because she was trying to make a little extra money for the casino.

It seems to me that an addiction to the casino is very fast and deceptive. Don't get me wrong, all addiction is like that, but these people will take any and all money (doesn't matter, $3, $5, your $60) and immediately go to the casino and blow it all. For her... It seems like dope would be a chaotic disorder for her... Chaotic meaning she doesn't realize she's addicted yet. Like there will probably be a day where for whatever reason she relies on it just heavily enough and just like that she'll be gone.

It's crazy how people can go for literally years with the shit I act like I can't live without and it's never a problem for them. I mean yes clinically speaking it's still a problem but it's not like they sit around and lose their job over it or pick at their skin for such a long time over an extended amount of time that they get papery skin. Like I'm jealous of these people. Forever did I try to be one of those people... But I just.. I envy them... But I know dope will never ever as long as I live work like that for me... It won't make me horny in the same way I used to get when I first started and I won't ever just be able to control my using. I will ALWAYS.... Feel like I need to get more... I will ALWAYS try to do all of the dope in a single night... I will ALWAYS have this burden of shame just by hitting the pipe a single time....

And so anyways... Because it's like that for me... And trust me I wish I wasn't I have tried for the last idk how many years trying to convince myself that one day it was gonna be as fun as it used to be... I tried.... I still try... And each time it's just worse and worse... Worse on my health worse on my sanity... And because of that... I stomped the hell out of my pipe tonight...

And I'm so sad right now because I know I always change my mind and I just... I'm pleading with future Shelby please man.... Please stop. Please... I'm so done getting high.... You get horny and overwhelmed and feel an immense amount of shame and don't trust anything. There is no fun in getting high anymore and there's nothing you can do or say or feel that will make that change.... You HAVE TO MOVE ON.... PLEASE.......... I'M PLEADING WITH YOU. PLEASE DON'T CHANGE YOUR MIND.

I'm so sad and I just want to feel this way forever I don't know how to make this feeling stick so I can move on with my life. I feel so stuck and I feel so stupid because I don't know why I'm stuck and I feel stupid because I have spent so long trying to figure out why for what?
I need out of all of it I need out of morgellons and I need out of people taking advantage of me and I need out of the shame and I need out of the health complications I need out of the loneliness. I need out. I want out. This is no life for anybody I wouldn't even wish how I feel on my worst enemy or even the worst person in the world like truly there have been times that I have despised who I am but even at my worst I don't deserve to feel like how I do...

I need to move on.

It's time.

Here's to getting sober for the 1,682nd time!
Shelby 2/21/22 11:53pm
 
I woke up to go pee and to take Butchy potty and I can just feel it in my bones already today's gonna be a good fucking day. I don't have any more drugs I don't have a pipe I got at least one of the contacts blocked and if it wasn't for her showing up or me seeing her while I walk Butchy I'd block the other. And as afraid as I am that she will absolutely lead me to get high again in the blink of an eye... I'm not going to let that stop me from having a good day today.
So the objective is to just ignore her even though her feelings will be hurt. It's not her place to understand my recovery and she doesn't... And that's OK, but at the end of the day I've got to do what's best for me and butchy. It's not personal trust me I don't want to be all the more isolated away from any human contact whatsoever... But I'd take any day isolated over a good day high, and I don't have good days high anymore. So I have to do what I have to do.
Anyways I'm going back to sleep.
Today is going to be a good day.
I'm pretty sure I'm getting fired today.
It is what it is, but I will figure out what I need to figure out along the way. I will put it all in God's hands that things will turn out ok and I will do the work to make sure that it will as I always have.
Shelby
2/22/22 GUESS WHAT GUYS? IT'S TWOSDAY
*buh dum tsst* 6:38am
 
Ok so I don't think anybody really reads this anymore which is fine I'm not here for the likes I'm just here to tell the truth and nothing but the truth lol... But if you are listening and you would like to input on this peticular situation, I will listen...

So with my neighbor who lives two doors down. I'm still ignoring her atm. Idk what to do about her. Yesterday she asked to borrow money once I get my taxes and addict me is all like "hell yeah girl here's $60" but I'm not her fucking sugar daddy for money for her to blow at the casino like I'm literally enabling her addiction and I'm literally not trying to do that. Even if she doesn't blow THAT money it will give her leaneancy to blow other money at the casino. But really I don't even care about that I'm not the casino secretary if she wants to go to the casino that's on her. Whatever. My problem is that I know I have to distance myself from her for my own recovery but I'm finding that really hard to do being that she lives two doors down.
I've had a talk with her that I want to get sober.

Last time I got at least a little bit sober she texted me three days later and told me that she wouldn't judge me if I relapsed.

So I see clearly that I need to not have communication with her at least at this point.

But do I tell her that I'm not talking right now for my recovery and give her A tuppawate container and a big wrench back and a plate That she left

Do I just ignore her altogether? What if she sees me and stops me while I'm walking Butchy?

What if she shows up at my door?

I don't want to hurt her feelings but I know there's no other way than to rip the bandaid off And refrain from communication at this moment.

I'm not even gonna lie I feel bad, but It's not like she feels bad when she wants to get high and needs me to buy some from her plug just so she can get a little.

What do I do

Shelby 2/22/22 2:05pm
 
I just want to announce that my sobriety date is 2/22/22 (my brain immediately goes to "if you keep that date" no motherfucker my sobriety date is 2/22/22

Also... I'm feeling proud of myself because I called the pharmacy I fuckin hate (I always have problems with them but thankfully my doctor switched me to a new pharmacy that will send my prescriptions through FedEx (which I worry about because I'll have to sign for them and I'll be at work but hopefully I can pause and answer the door real quick)) and got them to send me my wellbutrin. Which idk if I talked about wellbutrin before but they got me on xl 150's and those motherfuckers are amazing like they give me energy they help my mood I'm so glad that they're at least sending those. And anyways I also called the new pharmacy to have them send my antibiotics because I have a tooth infection which it's been a couple weeks now but let me tell you guys... Idk wtf happened but one night a couple weeks ago I had literally the worst tooth pain I ever had my whole goddamn life and I'm not talking about worst tooth pain I'm talking about the worst pain I've ever felt ever my whole life. I wish I was being dramatic when I was saying that it was no joke.

Anyways my boss just messaged me and I thought I was about to get fired but she told me that I was doing really good at my job today. Like y'all.. I feel good things in my soul today like idk how to explain it like I feel freedom in my soul is the best way I can put it into words.

Anyways I hope you guys are having even half as good of a day that I'm having because I'm having a good day. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about neighbor lady but I'll let the universe speak to me in due time.

Shelby 2/22/22 5:11pm
 
Ok so update on neighbor lady... just as I thought, I saw her outside when butchy was going potty. She asked if I had been getting her texts, I told her yes, and I told her not to take it personally, and she told me that she did.... And here's what I texted to her:

"Look, there's no real good way to rip that kind of bandaid off especially when you know that no matter how you do it will be taken personally. The only thing I have to tell you is that it's not personal and I'm grateful for everything yall have done for me, don't even for a second think otherwise."


And I feel right now that that is all that needs to be said. I am not looking to reply to her once she replies I'm not looking for her dope if I start feigning I'm not looking for her friendship when I get lonely. I'm moving on. From all aspects.

And that's the way it is.

Shelby 2/22/22 6:54pm
 
Y'all... I'm finding so much joy in my life right now. And I am not at all being sarcastic about that. Like I got so much to say and nothing to say at all but today is such a great day. I was thinking about how crazy it is that like I've been so sick of my bullshit that I was sick of being sick and when you're THAT level of tired of things it's like... idk... for me... it has felt a lot like something else that is greater than me... LIke... Okay so recently I think maybe God has been speaking to me. And idk maybe clinically speaking I'm finally losing my mind just enough, but also...

I wrote that much earlier today.... Probably closer to 3pm or so... maybe a little bit later. I do want to update everybody and tell y'all I am doing ok. I'm still sober, I'm really happy I'm doing sober. I don't actually actually wanna get high again. I really don't. Thank god. Really... Thank God. I'm sitting here typing this and I'm feeling so grateful I feel that way...
Earlier, I was going to say that maybe clinically I've lost my mind, but also maybe that's the best for me. I always thought religion was just for people who couldn't deal with death but literally speaking I fucking can't deal with death. Like I looked death in the eye and it looked at me in the eye and smiled and I got real fucking creeped out and I decided that that wasn't the route I was ready for so I can judge religion all I want but at the end of the day I'm literally not ready to deal with death yet. So I'm not going to. And if that means that I gotta get religious about it, then so be it. There were many many many many many many of time that I prayed to god asking him to remove my addiction and then the next day immediately go back to my addiction so idk if I had to get bad enough or if God was on vacation, but now that I'm finally feeling this sort of freedom, I hope it stays. I think god wants me to understand that I probably wouldn't believe in him had it not gotten so bad though. And I'm grateful for the lesson. And I'm here. And I'm listening. Just no more...... please. I don't want to ever have to feel that way again. Please.
And as long as I listen I think that maybe God is listening too...

Wow... it's ok guys it's just my seasonal allergies I am definitely not crying.

Ok so I'm a little emotional. But today was a good day. I'm still pretty close to getting fired rn but I get a lot of points (I'm at 8 points right now, 9 points is review for termination, and if you miss a half a day thats a half a point, so 1 point for a full day) that are about to fall off. Theoretically speaking as long as I don't get anymore points, at the end of March I will be at 2 points out of 9.

The neighbor girl who I was avoiding for awhile never texted me back. Which is good, I don't want to be the asshole that doesn't reply because it's not her fault. It's not my fault either but I know because she is where she is spiritually, she wouldn't see it that way.

Today something that worked out really well for me was coffee.... and I'm serious lots of it. I have a 12 cup coffee pot and I drank that whole ass motherfucker today. It might be the only shit carrying me through this whole thing... Well... That and God. There was a point today where I felt off because I was trying to limit my coffee intake because I kept having to get up and go pee, and I was like "Shelby, if it's coffee and god I need, then it's coffee and god." lol it is what it is maybe one day I won't drink so much coffee or smoke so many cigarrettes (actually I think the cigarete thing is probably gonna come to an end here soon too.... I just get a feeling about it)

Anyways I had such a good day today guys. And maybe nobody will ever read this and that's ok... But I hope this feeling just lasts forever. I mean I know this is real life and eventually some bullshit is gonna happen where I have a shitty day.... but whatever bullshit it is, no matter how bad it is... It could always be so so so so so so so much worse if I use about it.

Anyways I love you guys thanks for being there. I'm getting tired now I know there was a lot of typos on this I really don't feel like going back and correcting them all so I'll let you laugh at them yourself... but it's time for me to go watch cartoons and go to bed.

Thank you guys for the support I'll talk to you guys tomorrow
Shelby 22222 motherfucker lol that's still the coolest clean date in the world. I think I'll keep it.
maybe not as cool as like 7/7/77 but I was a little late with the whole being born in 1994 bit. hahahaha
ok yeah talk to you guys tomorrow

ok for real now
Shelby 22222 motherfuckers lol
2/23/22 10:51pm
 
Hey guys how's it going? I'm doing ok. I oddly enough haven't felt as much stress as I thought I was going to feel at this point. I'm still sober and I still absolutely without a single doubt plan on staying that way THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyways I hope you guys are doing ok anyways I thought I would feel a lot of stress today because my tax returns hit, right, and money has always been such a huge fucking trigger for me. Even so much that I told my addiction counselor friend about it. I mean part of me wants her to fix it and be all like "oh shelby let me borrow you're money and then I'll send it to you as I need it" but that's never really helped me before, just really all it did was hurt both parties involved. Not with her, but with someone else. Anyways side note I really enjoy typing on my laptop keyboard like they really... I got a pretty good deal on this thing, lets just say. I mean usually it goes for like $900 but I got it for like $200 and change... idk it might have been $300 and change I can't remember but it's a gaming laptop and the buttons are a pretty green they light up I really am quite into this laptop. It's definitely the best one I've ever had. Anyways money is always a trigger for me and when it's not a trigger it feels so.... idk... having money for me always feels so heavy like I guess I'm so used to struggling that I'm not really used to not having to struggle. Like it has occurred to me in past situations that I would actively set myself up in situations in which I knew that I was going to fail in, just because I was better at failing that I was succeeding. And that's kind of fucked up right like that is definitely no way to live your life. I don't know what I was trying to get by actively setting myself up to fail on a constant basis, but I do know that it's a hard way to live. Anyways... back to the money thing... it has always felt so heavy to have money like it has always felt like this unbearable weight that I can't and don't know how to (both of them) carry. Every time I've had money, I spent money.

So anyways today I got my taxes and I've been really stressed out about it because I was worried of course about if I was not going to be able to take the weight and if I would collapse under the voice of my old vices, and I didn't. And I really feel quite proud of that. I mean don't get me wrong, I still have like $200 left, after I literally have spent all day (last months, until today, actually, because I knew I was getting this money and I've wanted one for awhile now but I haven't had the money) searching for a mini washer/dryer. I found one. I'm very excited. It has good reviews but damn these little shits be so expensive or pieces of junk. I spent pretty close to $240 I think on it but like I said it has good reviews, I saw positive youtube videos over it. I did see it's coming from china, which nothing against them, but god forbid this expensive ass little shit breaks down like how the hell you gonna send something to china or call their customer service like damn let me brush up on my manderin lol. I did unfortunately see that their customer service was very unhelpful but thankfully that was overshadowed a little bit at least by the positive reviews.

I just wanna take this time to say I'm grateful af that I'm sober right now. I really am. Like I just keep praying over and over again for god to remove the insanity that my addiction was. And I'm going to continue to pray and idk if really truly he is listening but I think he really is like there's no fucking way that some act of a godly power isn't helping me right now, because this is the most sober I've been in a long time and I know "woo 2 days" but also... yes motherfucker 2 goddamn days (sorry, god) I am working and I am listening to people preach on youtube and I"m trying to be a better person and I'm trying to focus my life on growing myself spiritually and as a person.

I'm doing this and I WILL do this. I WILL. I AM.
Anyways I love you guys. I'm glad 2/22/22 is my sober date it's a pretty fucking cool one if you ask me. Anyways I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.
Maybe it's good tomorrow is friday, I thought it was friday all day and I was crushed to recently hear it was thursday, but god is telling me that if tomorrow was saturday that I would have more time to sit and let the weight of the money stew in my mind.
anyways I'll talk to you guys tomorrow
shelby :) 2/24/22 8:50pm
 
Hey guys how is it going? I have just a little bit more sobriety today and things are going to get a little easier. I keep on praying everyday... Twice a day at least but honestly it's been much more. It's funny because I keep praying for God to release me from my addiction and God is like "drink some water, sleep, and exercise motherfucker" haha he's not that direct though. Sometimes my autistic ass wishes he would be but I'd probably be scared if he was any more confrontational at this point. I have the next two days off and I'm going to be so honest this is the first time in a very very long time I'm spending my weekend sober. I'm doing much better at my job although today I was feeling "URRR" idk what that means but I felt it.

It's kinda sad what's happening over in Ukraine right now. I'm not trying to get political but I know at the end of all of it what it actually is is people dying and people don't ever deserve to die over money or territory and that's exactly what I feel is happening. Other than that I'm not even going to lie I've not processed a lot because I'm busy trying to process every moment without being high.

I'm not worried about this weekend, I know I'm going to stay sober but it's just different.

I'm proud of myself because I have really given my needs to God and stopped trying to control all of it myself. I don't need to. I just need to focus on being my best in this very moment and that's all that matters. And my best btw... Is never trying to get or be high.

I love you guys thank you for reading everything I have to say. I don't have money btw anymore I spent it all on the instacart order I did earlier today. Thank God!!!
Shelby 2/25/22 my sober date is still 2/22/22 I think I'll keep that
9:35pm
 
I remember driving around crying in the very very beginning of my addiction I was so sad I knew I didn't want to do whatever it was in life that I was doing. At the time it was playing trumpet. I didn't know WHAT I wanted to do, but I knew it wasn't that. I remember I was in Tulsa driving in my car south on 169, right as it splits to 244 and I thought to myself "I might feel sad but at least for the first time I am looking the lion in its mouth..." and what I was saying was I feel sad about realizing that trumpet playing wasn't going to be my forever home, the thing I was supposed to do that I thought for so long was going to be the thing that made me happy for the rest of my life. But I felt more like a man because at least I figured that out.

I don't know at that point what made me more of a man or why I felt more accomplished. Who's to say: maybe it was the first time I really felt like I was standing up for myself... My wants... My needs... That part really doesn't matter...

But I knew that even though I felt scared about what I was seeing... I knew I could change it maybe.

Anyways I think everybody has a "looking a lion in the mouth" moment even though it looks very different for everybody and comes at different times for everybody.

That moment was like 10 years ago, BTW. If I had only known which lion I had looked in the mouth... I would had been so so much more scared lol"

I messaged this to my addiction counselor friend. I hate knowing how hard it is for her sometimes because she's literally my only support who doesn't expect money out of me or doesn't expect me to be high or know how to get drugs.

Yeah... I'd imagine that would be a pretty big weight. But I'm really thankful to have her because she's the only person in the entire world that I can just be a person around. If I'm high she doesn't judge me, or back when I did get high.

Today she equated addiction to quicksand and man I wish I could regurgitate all the words she said about it but it's true that addiction and bad people are the quicksand we should have been worried about this whole time... Not actual quicksand...

You might not even realize you're drowning when you are but when you do realize it... It's so hard to get out.

Shelby 2/27/22
Don't worry. My sober date is still 2/22/22 and I don't plan on changing that any time soon
10:31pm
 
so I'm still sober and I'm going to be sober I do not want to change any of that. Like What I have going on right now is really working for me: I'm not picking my skin on a constant basis, I'm not letting things overwhelm me, I'm being honest, I'm reaching out for help, I'm praying the gay away. jk I'm not doing the last part but I am still praying away the thoughts of using. That's really helped. But something comes to my attention and that is that people were using me for so long and I don't really know what it's like to not have a relationship where someone doesn't need something from me. Like I was always the therapist friend, or I was the friend that gave them money or the friend that got them high. And I feel really alone because I don't have anybody needing anything from me. Even there was a point where the people around me needed me to be in recovery. But never has anyone just not needed anythying from me. And I shouldn't say needed but wanted.

I feel so alone like for how long did I settle for a friendship in which the person was faking their friendship with me just because I wanted to feel wanted?

I feel the quicksand keep trying to pull me in.

They say that if you can pull yourself out of quicksand you can lift a car? I can't remember if I'm remembering that correctly, but it's something like that and I mean that's really what it feels like in the proverbial quicksand of life too like if I get out of this, and I will, I will one day be able to lift a car just with my mind alone haha.

JK, but you know what I mean... it takes so much emotional stamina to sit alone and realize how many times you were used and by people that you thought would never use you because on the outside they were kind and they met all the criteria for a friend.

But it was their intentions and I saw their intentions because in the end I was stuck more in the quicksand than when they first entered.

Damn... That one is deep... I know when someone isn't good for me because they leave me more in the quicksand.

But still... the quicksand calls me and I hate that. I don't want it to call on me no more. It's fucking stupid. I hate the stupid quicksand. I don't want it to be there, but it is and I can wish it away until I was dead but it wouldn't do anything except for leave me dead.

But it sure did leave me lonely too.

I know one day this will change as long as I continue to be sober. Like there's no way this WON'T change for me as long as I keep my chin up and keep on this good path that I'm on right now. And I just gotta keep remembering that because right now it feels so...lonely... I wish I had a friend that I knew they were my friend without needing something from me or needing me to be a peticular way...

I hope things get better
Shelby 2/28/22 6 days man this is the longest I've been sober in a long time 7:29pm
 
oh man, I can't believe it's been a whole week sober already.
You know, they have this new flavor of coffee creamer at walmart, it's honey, cinnamon, and vanilla, which... they put an extra emphasis on the honey, which, it's fine. Like i'm going to drink it I like it in fact but it's a very calming flavor. Like if this was a flavor of tea I would really be about it because I want tea when I need to calm myself. Tea is very collecting and calming and coffee for me is not that. I mean I'm still going to drink this coffee creamer cause mama didn't raise no bitch lol jkjkjk it's because I'm too poor to just let coffee creamer go to waste.
Anyways... I'm thinking about Bruce today. I wonder what all he could had been had he not done that bad shot and passed. I often feel very heartbroken for him, but somehow in my mind I'm being reassured that he felt very broken about the world around him. I don't have to feel that way. I wonder what would had happened if he didn't take that shot or if the shot wasn't bad would he had went on to recovery like me or would he had died of something else? Would we have found each other later in life? Sometimes I just feel his spirit with me and I feel like I'm supposed to feel it as an encouraging thing but it's also such a huge emotion to wonder what could have been. Does everyone struggle with leaving behind those who passed in their addictions?
I know I'm supposed to be encouraged because he feels proud of me but I feel my heart in my stomach because I feel so sad for him. I never really processed what happened like it really feels so traumatic that he died so unexpectedly like he was such a good person and tried his best to be a good person despite where he was in life he did not deserve to have that happen to him. I feel so sad. I hope he is in a better place. I pray for that, actually.
I hate carrying around this weight that I don't know how to process.
Shelby 3/1/22 2:13pm
 
Hey guys I just want you to know I'm doing ok. Still sober still gonna keep it that way. Tuesday will be 2 whole weeks of clean time which I've not really gotten since I went to rehab I think.
Anyways my best friend is here. Yes the one that kicked me out without a place to go, but I was feeling lonely so at least she is keeping me from that feeling right now. I'm grateful for that.
Anyways I'll talk to you guys later.
Shelby 3/4/22 11:58pm
 
A conversation between me and my friend from the first inpatient rehab:

Text aligned to the left side denotates what HE said text aligned to the left denotates what I said. So the first paragraph what what HE said, and then there's the break and then it's what I said, so on and so forth. Read it like a messenger conversation.​

"Bro.. I'm like 15 days clean again and then rehab again and well I guess I'm doing this thing again"
"How the f*** are you doing though"

"I'm doing pretty good my latest clean date is 2/22/22 and I just think that's a pretty fuckin cool clean date I might just keep it lol"
"I went back to rehab in July and it was nothing like [the rehab we met at] I met with the same dude 3 times a week 5 days a week who just kept saying "you got a problem don't you Shelby, you need God, don't you Shelby?" anyways I ama'd that bitch so fast
​
"You f****** suck I didn't even think about that. Mine is 2/19 so you can keep your f****** 3 days f****"

"You always had to get a little more clean time than I had didn't you 😂"
"Man I'm so proud of you for going back I should too"
​
"This s*** is for the f****** birds because you and I both already know how to do this f****** s*** we both already know what they're going to tell us we both already know what the f*** to do

"Man... Be open minded ask questions about things you don't know"​

"I feel like a f****** retarded waste of space in here because I could teach these f****** classes better than f****** half the m************ facilitating it"
"Open minded bro Jesus I'm teaching my counselor s***"
"I'm teaching him what it really means when he's mad at somebody"
"I brought it to one of the counselors attention that if we knew the problem within us that we wouldn't be in these f****** rooms and then another group I brought it to everybody's attention that if you could quit just because you love somebody that we wouldn't be in these f****** rooms"

"Yes you're right we aren't in the muck of all the shit anymore either thank God for that that's part of why I ama'd the place I was at too but to not give you any ideas I ama'd because I thought I knew it and then went back to using for another 8 month"
"If I knew it why wasn't I applying it?"
​
"Because you're a stubborn f****** drug addict just like my own f****** self and because we haven't had enough f****** abuse."
"However I think I have had enough and you may have possibly too"

"No I know I had enough like every single time it was bad. There wasn't a single time I paid for or got for free that was worth it.
In the last few years
And eventually I gave up trying to chase what I thought I was going to get"
​
"Tell me this: What would you rather have... an incredible high, fast money, amazing sex, or a stable life with no drama?
It's a fucking stupid complicated question with such an easy answer.
But it's not easy to achieve"

"Oh a stable life with no drama hands down.
I got the first three for so long that the incredible high stopped being incredible, the fast money stopped being fast, and the amazing sex stopped being amazing. No... It's not easy. Your brain works against you. There's nothing that AIN'T working against you, why do you think so many addicts die?
Let me tell you, I saw everything work against me.... It made me a praying man, I'm just saying"
​
"Bro, it's fucking crazy how easy the answers are and how we know the right thing to do, but still we fall back into that same bullshit because of our brains.
Dude, we're totally on the same fucking page here it's just crazy because we're both intelligent enough to do this shit so why the fuck ain't neither one of us done it yet?"

I would say that that's what makes us special compared to other addicts who just quit. Because their brains aren't fully working against them. They might have some of their brain working against them but at the end of the day they go to a meeting and call it quits because they have US as an example of what not to be.
Well fuck that bullshit I'm not being and example no more
Do you know what's crazy? I got HIV from sharing needles. I also am ADHD, like real life diagnosable ADHD. Turns out having HIV kills some of the natural occurring dopamine receptors in your brain. Guess what else? ADHD means you have low dopamine AT ANY GIVEN POINT.
So WHY WOULND'T I chase out those things that give you the biggest amount of dopamine just to feel normal? Why wouldn't I?
That's my brain working against me.
At the end of the day I have to learn to find joy in petting my dog and talking to my friends, and in being out in the sun. I actively have to let my body feel the dopamine from these things otherwise I'm fucked"
​
"Ok bro not to put our personal shit out there but my 19 year old fucking roommate needed to read our conversation to understand me and where I'm at in my recovery. Sorry to put you out there like that but I didn't think there was anything too personal in there for him to read"

"Nah you're fine if my story can help others I'm totally about it"
​
"I'm just now catching up on what you're sharing needles part of it I don't think he read that"

"It's not a big deal. It's a part of my story"
​
Bro that's deep deep shit like so what do you do to prevent it from turning into full blown AIDS? And the ADHD thing I never knew that because they're refusing to treat me for ADHD or ADD because they wants to treat my fucking depression and anxiety instead which iI think is a result from my drug usage which is a result of my lack of treatment for my attention deficit disorder"

"Man no matter what happens if you stay if you ama whatever happens I just want you to know I'm proud of you for trying again"
"For my HIV I take a $4,300 bottle of pills each month"
​
"Yeah bro no matter what I'm not leaving this fucking place I have over 108 months hanging over my head and you know what I'm too fucking old to be doing that much time in prison"

They put me on 150mg wellbutrin xl it'll help with your mood it helps with energy and it helps with adhd"
​
"dudem I finally caved in and told a fucking quack about my fucking mental bullshit so I'm actually taking shit now"

"Good. You keep doing that. I'm proud of you. You're doing great
You're always doing better than what you think you are. I promise"
​
"Bro you know no matter what I'm here for you if you need somebody to talk to you on the phone call away and you know I ain't giving up and take your own fucking advice on that mother fucker because regardless of what your fucking brain tells you you are fucking worth it.
You're fucking good enough you're fucking smart enough and doggone it people like you.
I love that fucking F word"



Shelby
3/6/22 11:01pm​
​
 
I'm just taking this time to express how much joy I'm feeling. I just ate a bowl of fruity pebbles... That's the only bowl I need nowadays just saying haha. But I'm watching bobs burgers and I feel my fan on my face and it's nice and cool and now I'm laying down watching bobs burgers and I just... I'm feeling so much joy. I feel really blessed right now, even if I have to ask God to Remove the thoughts of using every 5 seconds.
Shelby 3/6/22 11:54pm
 
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