Raven*
Greenlighter
I struggled with shooting H for while and i told myself i could never be like those "dirty junkies" but just like everyone else i completely fell in love with her, she was the first being in my life that made feel love and warmth and welcomed. its like coming home every time. my life got out of control of course and ill spare u the gruesome details as im sure they are like everyone elses here.... and i ended up squatting in an apartment with 1 day to vacate from the street while already fleeing several unsavory dealers because i had used up their supplies that were meant for profit. Basically i ran away, i knew i couldnt get out of the life their so i skipped cities and entered a rehab program where i was for 90 days and they tapered me down with subs... my sob story turned into a fairy tale when i got out and caught a break that my poor mother would take me in yet a fucking gain but this time was different, i went to school and i held down a job. i got sober friends and i went to meetings i held on for almost 2 years this 5th of june... but life was boring, it was meaningless and i never feel anything. i go through the motions of doing "the right thing" but i hate it... wat is living if your not alive for it? i dont want to be a normal person working a 9 to 5 with a happy marriage and 4 loving robot children. i crave the mess and the theatrics. i need to live a life that is full to the bursting with everything i can consume.... basically all this leads up to the simple fact that i fucked up again, i knew exactly wat i was doing and my stomach cramped with excited anticipation. i set up the deal with a 19 year old kid who knew someone who knew someone, i mean i struggled to break my sobriety for days through this kids bullshit... it wasnt a lapse in judgment or a fucked up mistake. i searched and bargained and bitched to get this shit... and i do mean shit, it was the worst brown ive ever seen, not even tar and cut with some shit that got all caught up in my cotton.... but fuck was it still good. it was coming home.... ive been using now every day for a month and now im w/ding before i let myself slip into that place again, that place that i never really wanted to leave...... but im still sitting here knowing that this wont be the last time because fuck i dont want it to. drugs are the only thing that ,makes me feel and makes me want to get up in the morning and function with the rest of the world. im on day 3 and im starting to feel better just still aches and pains and of course sleeping is out of the option plus my body is totally fucking confused about whether im in Antarctica or the Sahara Desert, still tho i feel better then yesterday. ive been getting thru it with bars, wine, and sleeping plls... plus netflix of course. still though i keep debating within myself when will it be long enough of a break before i can go back and not go directly back into w/ds... i keep saying i can just use occasionally and honestly i dont know if thats a lie or not and i dont really care... i think ive just come to terms with the fact that im a junkie, i just am. i think in some ways i always will be. i dont hate myself for being one but i hate myself for wat it does to the people i love.... uhg i dunno i guess i lost my point in all this but i needed to get it out and i suppose thats wat matters