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xanax - semi exp - my new buddy

mclaughlinr1

mclaughlinr1

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2006
Messages
608
Location
annapolis, md
note: this report is not about abusing xanax. it is about how xanax gives me a break from my everlasting personality disorder.


during the morning of 4/20/06 i had been in class from 8-12, awaiting the afternoon so i could meet up with my buddies at the beach to celebrate; it was a beautiful day out here in charleston, sc.

well the day before my doctor referred me to one of his associates. i was supposed to make this appointment as soon as possible. so i called after classes and they told me to show up in thirty minutes.

this appointment is about my anxiety, which [i believe] is driven by also having obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). fyi, no, it is not anything similar to obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), just in case anyone was wondering.

i was prescribed xanax, starting off with a small dosage of 0.5mg, which is supposed to last me a week, until i go to deliver my report. i am supposed to take these three times a day and get a refill/talk about if i need more on my next visit.

after taking only one 0.5mg pill, i feel calm (in a way that i feel i always should) and my OCPD symptoms are gone.


friday, 2/21/06 - i take a xanax in the morning and go pick up my girlfriend. i don't even realize that this pill is having an effect on me.

this is also the day i planned on telling my girlfriend that i take illicit drugs. we were hanging out at this small rave and she very nicely said she did not feel like going to the after party, so i just took her home. i dropped her off, whatever, next day i call her up...

she is not happy and i begin to explain what i think is important... i tell her all abuot how i used to be straight edge, never touched a thing; i tell her that i only started using illicit drugs after an emtensive amount of research... well this is my OCPD, trying to make her understand EVERYTHING that i do. i know this sounds like a typical male triat, but trust me it is worse in my case (more than a few girls have less than delightfully informed me).

at the end of this phone call (4/22/06) i am pissed. i actually just hung up the phone because i couldn't take her rambling about holes in your brain.. typical lines on nonsense.

that last xanax naturally was Long gone before this argument. i layed around in my room, listening to some music, then decided to take my medication. after about 45 minutes i felt like i could now talk to her... i waited though. later that night, i had taken another xanax and after thirty minutes called my girlfriend.

i noticed in five minutes about the way i was acting and said it was similar to the way i was when i had first picked her up the day prior. keep in mind she probably had me and drugs connected in her mind as best friends so i'm sure she was paying extra attention.

i told her about my new prescription and in a differnt way (probably the way most of you) explained my history with illicit drugs.

for me, xanax is a trip down the normal road of life, and it's wonderful. i am now working on a long-term helping aid for my OCPD, but i just thought some of you guys might want to hear about another one of us who have been possitively affected by drugs.

i know this wasn't crazy, so probably uninteresting for some, but i'll add in that on thursday night me and my two rommates ate 2.5mg's a piece and we only remember eating them, and then waking up the next morning with taco bell wrappers all across the floor. and i am only for sure we ate them because i flossed to check:)
 
^i most definitely will. i really am enjoying the 0.5mg's now.

to add on about the thursday night... my roommate just reminded me a bunch of stuff i now remember.. continued trip report:

thursday we (roommates and i) eat the xanax, then go to a local bar. then some of our buddies meet us there. when we leave, my friend has a boot on his car, one of my roommates ripped it off and chucked it. at this time i walked over to my car in the adjacent parking lot because i was tired.

my roommates come over after some time, sitting in my car, each drinking a 22oz. i wake up and we take off. this is where the trip report SHOULD have started...

it's mid afternoon (around happy hour time) and we're driving around while smoking a bowl. well my passenger was supposed to be giving me directions and he forgot to tell me to turn; so i pulled into a side street (apparently) in a hurry. i was very in control and not drunk... feeling great. a cop came right behind me and we hear him shut his door. didn't even bother turning on his lights.

my one roommate ate the cannabis and stashed the bowl. the cop only steps up to about where the hinges on the rear door are and asks me why i turned down this street so abruptly.. i told him in the calmest i ever could "...something about taking a wrong turn earlier and needing to pull over because i realized i didn't know exactly where i was..."

after that i suspect we went somewhere to smoke, only because the amount of taco wrappers on the floor the next morning were more than three people should have been able to empty.

side note: i only had one beer while we were at the bar. and in the 2 minute time span i DO remember, dealing with the cop, i was very all-together. i mean, you really should have seen me spit out whatever line i did say. chris rock would have crapped himself.
 
Dude find a schedule and stick with it, don't go increasing your dosage to feel stronger effects OR chase the old feeling, don't take extra doses to confront difficult situations.

Those kind of rationalizations for taking more pills just get easier and easier to make and all of a sudden you're on 11mg a day. At that time you decide if you want to throw your life away or spend years fighting back to sobriety. :\
 
^hardly informative

don't go increasing your dosage to feel stronger effects
Click to expand...
ok mom.

i don't think you understand buddy, i take xanax for OCPD, not GAD. it is anxiety from knowing i can't change my own perception. you have no clue what being OCPD is like or how to treat it. by the way, this definitely isn't my first fucking experience with xanax.

don't take extra doses to confront difficult situations.
Click to expand...

where did this even come from? i never did that; and even if had, what you call a "difficult situation" i may call an unavoidable disaster.
find another person's thread to trash up. but hey, if you magically figure out a treatment for OCPD, Don't let me hear about it. i rather like being this way, i fucking take xanax so i don't scrutinize assholes like yourself all of the time.

aside from celebrating with my roommates, i don't take joy in the pills effects; i like how others respond to it's effetcs on me.

when i say i feel calm and in a way that i "should" i also say my OCPD symptoms are gone. i'm fucking taking pills to conform with the rest of the world who i can't help view as fucking lazy. i like doing everything with perfection, never missing a detail, always completing a task with impressive results, even if it is the most trivial project.

i don't think you will ever realize how i actually love being myself and loathe the idea of taking a pill so that i don't have to fuck up another relationship. and that's sad.
 
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Also, I'd recommend only taking them when situations arise in which you really need relief from your symptoms. The reason is because, while benzodiazepines like xanax can be a godsend for that kind of thing, taking them with any regularity, EVEN .5mg AT A TIME, and especially 3 times per day, WILL lead to physical and mental addiction. Trust me, benzo withdrawals are no fun, and are in fact some of the most dangerous of all drugs. I once went on a benzo kick, and after only 4 days in a row, I had minor, uncomfortable withdrawals.

So I'm not saying that xanax is bad, or that you shouldn't take it, but even if your doctors say to take it 3 times per day, every day, I'd advise against taking it that regularly.

EDIT: By the way, Hypnic was just trying to put a warning out there. He may have misinterpretted somewhat, but he meant well, as do I.
 
mclaughlin, you started out this post with a little story about taking 2.5mg of xanax (holy shit that's a lot, 1mg fucks me up) and then waking up the next day not knowing what the hell happened the night before. It doesn't sound like you're taking the risks seriously. Hypnic was just pointing this fact out.
 
2.5 mg of xanax is 1 and 1/4 bars. that is absolutely not a lot. i mean, everyone in this place uses things recreationally... why should he be different. If dosing a recreationally on xanax for kicks is "not taking the risks seriously," then why have a harm reduction forum at all?

Absolutely no abuse is not necessarily the only way to be safe, and that's not really what this place stands for. You guys can't make everyone wear a helmet through life... and benzos are actually really safe, even in high doses, so long as not mixed with anything. 12mg of xanax, even for you, would probably only result in lots of sleep.
 
Well, I can't speak for the others, but I was trying to warn against physical addiction, not taking too much. The original poster should definitely continue his xanax therapy for his OCPD as directed by his doctor, but I'm advising against taking it three times a day, every day in therapeutic doses.

Plus, the poster said that he was not looking to use it recreationally, but to use it medicinally.
 
agreed. addiction is definitely a big problem with xanax.. even in medicinal doses. I just saw that he took that small recreational dose once, and people were trying to call him irresponsible. Seems a little overboard.
 
Sorry if I came off pushy. Just tryin to let you in on some pitfalls I've found. if you were inexperienced with this shit, like some people are, it might be useful information.
 
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all right, well last night when i posted all that i was obviously not on my medication. thanks for ALL of the replies, seriously. i know i come off as very pissed but really it's just my OCPD way of behaving. i look at full blown arguments as just "discussions."

also, i had taken some adderall last night (it's finals week) and that actually enhances my OCPD symptoms. normally i wouldn't waste my time cutting and pasting quotes and shit.

like i said before, i don't really like taking the xanax. i just had a little fun with it when i initially got my prescription; i guess i was shocked people on this site would say anything about it, just from reading the comments in the gallery.

i do appreciate the warnings though; but trust me, i'm not taking these fucking things three times a day, i hate the idea of routine drug taking. i just carry them around and if i think i'm going to need one i'll take it. it's been over a day since i've had one and i don't have an urge for another. so nothing bad yet.
 
It is for me. One bar knocks me the fuck out within an hour. I can't even keep my eyes open. I never get what people see in benzos recreationally. To me, they barely feel like anything except calmness and tiredness. No euphoria, not even a real buzz. Then again, I tend to dislike GABA-affecting drugs such as alcohol and benzos.
 
That is not alot for a drug abuser. If you gave it to the average joe without tolerance, they'd crash their car and fall asleep 100 yards away, in the ditch.
 
I empathise where you are at mclaughlinr1 and wish you well on your path.
But I am of the opinion that xanax should not be used to blanket anxiety or personality disorders. I can agree that it could be useful in situations to get a person to a temporary state where they are then able to work through the issues. But that is it, use for more than a couple of weeks is ridiculous and serves to do nothing but cover up the core issues.
After years of personal experience with the way mental disorders are dealt with through western medicine I believe labels serve no purpose whatsoever.
People become obsessed with their label and throw away all of their power by playing the victim. Not judging, I did the same thing for many years.
It has to be realised that our natural state as human beings is to be free of all afflictions and that we all have the right and power to be whole beings and have health at all levels.
Masking the symptoms is a useless approach.
The fact that one holds so tightly onto this label handed over by a doctor is so much of the reason why the symptoms will never go away. You hand over all your power and in effect give in. It is rubbish that any dis-ease of the mind/body is incurable or life long.
You create every moment in your life, everything that happens you have attracted whether you are aware of it or not.
Not that you posted for advice, but I would recommend going down the path of healing yourself in a holistic manner. Leaving behind this notion of a life long label, it is rubbish. You can heal yourself of anything, after all you created it in the first place.
Best of luck.
 
I have pondered this very thing for a while now, but it's pretty hard to start the healing process when medicine is in such a disarray these days that it's hard to even diagnose your problems, and their solutions
 
The fact is that we live in a society where we're taught to place the blame for our actions on everything but ourselves. Your thoughts and actions are yours, and you have the power to do with them exactly what you wish. Modern medicine has taken a turn for the worst, in my opinion. Maybe I should say modern "mental medicine", as our physical remedies for physical ailments are quite miraculous and have helped to prolong the human lifespan drastically. I agree with the poster two posts up 110%. Sure, taking behavior-altering drugs can temporarily solve the problem. But the ONLY thing that will permanently solve it is to take responsibility for yourself and work through your issues. Living healthy helps tremendously, and getting proper nutrition. Don't believ me? Try it. The average American eats so much bullshit it should be illegal. The number of chemicals present in packaged food and even in most produce and meat is staggering, mind-boggling, and sickening. If you think those chemicals don't affect your physical and mental health, you've got another thing coming.

Drugs like xanax are great for isolated situations where you could use a little help on your road to recovery. But using them regularly is doing you nothing but harm, in the long run.

By the way, this is not in any way directed at the original poster, or anyone else for that matter. I'm just saying in general.
 
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