MindMelted
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2015
- Messages
- 28
Hey guys, been feeling like absolute shit for the past week. Not sure what exactly is causing this, so I wanted some opinions from people who've maybe gone down this road before. Googling symptoms isn't going to help, so let's see what everyone thinks is wrong with me. But first, a little back story...
I'm depressed as fuck. Always have been, probably always will be. I have OCD - never been diagnosed but I'd bet my life I've got it. WAS diagnosed with "ADHD" but I think that's bullshit. I've lived a really cool life, but I've always felt this emptiness inside me. It's gotten to the point where I almost consider it physical pain. Just ugly ugly thoughts that go through my head over & over, day after day. It's fuckin exhausting.
A couple months ago I "tried" to kill myself. I was pretty drunk and thought, "Hey, let's see how fast I can drive home before I crash!" I was doing 70 on a 35 about a minute from my house when I finally rolled my van. I'd be hamburger meat if I hadn't been wearing the seatbelt. Not sure if I meant to remove it or not, like I said I was pretty drunk. Don't know where my head was at.
I take lots of drugs on a weekly basis. I've been smoking bud for six years now I think. It's pretty much been a daily thing for the past two, obviously with small breaks thrown in there. I drink a lot too, anywhere from daily to once every week or two. Last time I got drunk I took twenty shots over a few hours and while I don't remember falling asleep that night, the entire time I didn't really feel that "fucked up." I weigh about 120 lbs BTW.
I've had alcohol and benzo WDs before, I used to mix them a lot because I felt that each on its own didn't get me buzzed enough. Now I can't take Xanax or drink more than a few days in a row before I start to noticeably WD. This has happened to me more times than I can count and while I'm sure people here have suffered through worse, they're still extremely uncomfortable. Get more & more fun each time too!
I've also been using MDxx on a monthly basis for the past year. I first tried it when I was sixteen (twenty now) and I'd say I've rolled "around" twenty times on MDMA/MDA/methylone combined. Probably more. This last roll I had fuckin sucked and quality's not an issue believe me. Felt fuckin traumatized for the entire high, and oh god the comedown sucked ass. Felt like everyone I love got butchered in front of me. Used to be my favorite drug besides DMT, but seriously the shit feels like chemical rape now. Extremely disturbing drug...I've posted before about how it's made me feel. I think I'm done with it for a while. Been just over a month since I last used it.
I've tried over fifty different drugs but I only mentioned these ones because I feel they've "damaged" me the most. Who knows what I've done to my brain chemistry, which was obviously fucked to begin with. Now for the symptoms! Yay...
Night sweats, freaky dreams, insomnia if I'm sober, high blood pressure, occasional shakiness, diarrhea, complete loss of appetite if I'm not stoned out of my mind (I nearly threw up my breakfast this morning), intrusive thoughts, mild social anxiety, paranoia, BAD irritability. Just general edginess - physical & mental. Seems to be at its worst in the mornings and evenings.
Are these benzo WDs? Alcohol WDs? A longterm MDMA comedown? Is it all in my head? Am I just being a bitch? Like seriously, WTF is wrong with me? I can't take this shit anymore...I feel like I'm slowly dying.
I can give more details if you guys need me to. I just wanted to get this all down in a way that people could read.
I'm depressed as fuck. Always have been, probably always will be. I have OCD - never been diagnosed but I'd bet my life I've got it. WAS diagnosed with "ADHD" but I think that's bullshit. I've lived a really cool life, but I've always felt this emptiness inside me. It's gotten to the point where I almost consider it physical pain. Just ugly ugly thoughts that go through my head over & over, day after day. It's fuckin exhausting.
A couple months ago I "tried" to kill myself. I was pretty drunk and thought, "Hey, let's see how fast I can drive home before I crash!" I was doing 70 on a 35 about a minute from my house when I finally rolled my van. I'd be hamburger meat if I hadn't been wearing the seatbelt. Not sure if I meant to remove it or not, like I said I was pretty drunk. Don't know where my head was at.
I take lots of drugs on a weekly basis. I've been smoking bud for six years now I think. It's pretty much been a daily thing for the past two, obviously with small breaks thrown in there. I drink a lot too, anywhere from daily to once every week or two. Last time I got drunk I took twenty shots over a few hours and while I don't remember falling asleep that night, the entire time I didn't really feel that "fucked up." I weigh about 120 lbs BTW.
I've had alcohol and benzo WDs before, I used to mix them a lot because I felt that each on its own didn't get me buzzed enough. Now I can't take Xanax or drink more than a few days in a row before I start to noticeably WD. This has happened to me more times than I can count and while I'm sure people here have suffered through worse, they're still extremely uncomfortable. Get more & more fun each time too!
I've also been using MDxx on a monthly basis for the past year. I first tried it when I was sixteen (twenty now) and I'd say I've rolled "around" twenty times on MDMA/MDA/methylone combined. Probably more. This last roll I had fuckin sucked and quality's not an issue believe me. Felt fuckin traumatized for the entire high, and oh god the comedown sucked ass. Felt like everyone I love got butchered in front of me. Used to be my favorite drug besides DMT, but seriously the shit feels like chemical rape now. Extremely disturbing drug...I've posted before about how it's made me feel. I think I'm done with it for a while. Been just over a month since I last used it.
I've tried over fifty different drugs but I only mentioned these ones because I feel they've "damaged" me the most. Who knows what I've done to my brain chemistry, which was obviously fucked to begin with. Now for the symptoms! Yay...
Night sweats, freaky dreams, insomnia if I'm sober, high blood pressure, occasional shakiness, diarrhea, complete loss of appetite if I'm not stoned out of my mind (I nearly threw up my breakfast this morning), intrusive thoughts, mild social anxiety, paranoia, BAD irritability. Just general edginess - physical & mental. Seems to be at its worst in the mornings and evenings.
Are these benzo WDs? Alcohol WDs? A longterm MDMA comedown? Is it all in my head? Am I just being a bitch? Like seriously, WTF is wrong with me? I can't take this shit anymore...I feel like I'm slowly dying.
I can give more details if you guys need me to. I just wanted to get this all down in a way that people could read.