WTF Has Gone Wrong

[MindMelted]

Hey guys, been feeling like absolute shit for the past week. Not sure what exactly is causing this, so I wanted some opinions from people who've maybe gone down this road before. Googling symptoms isn't going to help, so let's see what everyone thinks is wrong with me. But first, a little back story...

I'm depressed as fuck. Always have been, probably always will be. I have OCD - never been diagnosed but I'd bet my life I've got it. WAS diagnosed with "ADHD" but I think that's bullshit. I've lived a really cool life, but I've always felt this emptiness inside me. It's gotten to the point where I almost consider it physical pain. Just ugly ugly thoughts that go through my head over & over, day after day. It's fuckin exhausting.

A couple months ago I "tried" to kill myself. I was pretty drunk and thought, "Hey, let's see how fast I can drive home before I crash!" I was doing 70 on a 35 about a minute from my house when I finally rolled my van. I'd be hamburger meat if I hadn't been wearing the seatbelt. Not sure if I meant to remove it or not, like I said I was pretty drunk. Don't know where my head was at.

I take lots of drugs on a weekly basis. I've been smoking bud for six years now I think. It's pretty much been a daily thing for the past two, obviously with small breaks thrown in there. I drink a lot too, anywhere from daily to once every week or two. Last time I got drunk I took twenty shots over a few hours and while I don't remember falling asleep that night, the entire time I didn't really feel that "fucked up." I weigh about 120 lbs BTW.

I've had alcohol and benzo WDs before, I used to mix them a lot because I felt that each on its own didn't get me buzzed enough. Now I can't take Xanax or drink more than a few days in a row before I start to noticeably WD. This has happened to me more times than I can count and while I'm sure people here have suffered through worse, they're still extremely uncomfortable. Get more & more fun each time too!

I've also been using MDxx on a monthly basis for the past year. I first tried it when I was sixteen (twenty now) and I'd say I've rolled "around" twenty times on MDMA/MDA/methylone combined. Probably more. This last roll I had fuckin sucked and quality's not an issue believe me. Felt fuckin traumatized for the entire high, and oh god the comedown sucked ass. Felt like everyone I love got butchered in front of me. Used to be my favorite drug besides DMT, but seriously the shit feels like chemical rape now. Extremely disturbing drug...I've posted before about how it's made me feel. I think I'm done with it for a while. Been just over a month since I last used it.

I've tried over fifty different drugs but I only mentioned these ones because I feel they've "damaged" me the most. Who knows what I've done to my brain chemistry, which was obviously fucked to begin with. Now for the symptoms! Yay...

Night sweats, freaky dreams, insomnia if I'm sober, high blood pressure, occasional shakiness, diarrhea, complete loss of appetite if I'm not stoned out of my mind (I nearly threw up my breakfast this morning), intrusive thoughts, mild social anxiety, paranoia, BAD irritability. Just general edginess - physical & mental. Seems to be at its worst in the mornings and evenings.

Are these benzo WDs? Alcohol WDs? A longterm MDMA comedown? Is it all in my head? Am I just being a bitch? Like seriously, WTF is wrong with me? I can't take this shit anymore...I feel like I'm slowly dying.

I can give more details if you guys need me to. I just wanted to get this all down in a way that people could read.

 

[Moreaux]

Yes, more details please. What are you still taking, and how long have you been off benzos, alcohol, and MDMA? What are you still taking - both recreational and prescribed?

 

[Burnt Offerings]

WTF has gone wrong? You're actually asking that after declaring that you "take lots of drugs on a weekly basis"?

Look at all the text you wrote there. Now look at how much of it is dedicated to your own drug use. That's mostly what's going on here, isn't it? I mean it definitely seems to be on your mind in a big way. You're only 20 years old and you've experienced 1) alcoholism, 2) benzodiazepine addiction & withdrawal, and 3) a long term come-down described as "chemical rape" from MDxx...not to mention the 50 other drugs you've been doing, by your own estimation.

So I would suggest making a goal of stopping your drug usage, or at least decrease it. Sometimes when you use lots of drugs you think that you're covering up the bad thoughts with the drugs, that the bad thoughts are "endogenous" to your own mind, but in reality the drug usage is contributing tremendously to your overall negative mindstate. That was my experience, anyway. I've never tried anywhere near 50 separate illegal drugs but I did enjoy a sizable heroin and methamphetamine addiction...and did both drugs via the needle. That was just my experience, though.

All that in combination with (I'm not a doctor and this is entirely based on what you wrote in that post) probably an anxiety/panic disorder + suicidal ideation + OCD, etc.

 

[MindMelted]

My memory's dogshit but the last time I drank was Thursday, the morning after the twenty shot thing. Just a couple more shots. I don't remember when I last used Xanax or how often. Maybe a couple times a week, usually 1 - 2mg. I dabble in opiates (have for years), nothing that'd cause me grief though. Was doing some coke for a couple days...a week or two ago? Shit I can't remember. Smoked some 25c like a week ago too, been seeing trails ever since. Maybe that's what's got me fucked up?

 

[Burnt Offerings]

My memory's dogshit but the last time I drank was Thursday, the morning after the twenty shot thing. Just a couple more shots.

Little hair o' the dog, eh? Been there!

I don't remember when I last used Xanax or how often.

Somehow I think that statement has been made many times by Xanax users.

...

Maybe just try doing less drugs for a while? You'd be surprised at how good it can make you feel, IMO

 

[MindMelted]

Maybe just try doing less drugs for a while? You'd be surprised at how good it can make you feel, IMO

Easier said than done lol. But believe me, I know. You'd actually be surprised at how healthy I eat and how much I exercise. I guess I use that as an exuse to keep going.

For the most part I stick to bud. It's the only thing I'm truly addicted to (or should I say the most addicted to). Usually when something starts becoming a problem for me or when my tolerance gets retarded I just move on to something else. Been this way for a while, it's pretty sad. Since highschool I've had a very Pokemon attitude towards drugs - gotta "catch" them all.

I know I sound like a moron, I kinda am. I'd definitely be dead or AT LEAST be missing a shitload more brain cells if it wasn't for this site. I try my best to be a good person but there's some shit inside me that was there way before the drugs, and it's not going anywhere. I hope some day I can find peace and put everything behind me.

I really just posted this to see what people thought was causing the symptoms. I've pulled my brain in so many different directions I don't know what has caused what.

 

[Moreaux]

I agree with Burnt Offerings. Several of the drugs you listed are capable of causing those feelings and your best course of action is to take a break from everything.

I used to use eating healthy and exercising as an excuse to continue to use as well, eventually I had to stop. You can maintain the lifestyle in your twenties but it gets really tough the older you get. If you continue to use as you have been, the likely outcome is that you will feel increasingly worse over time.

ETA: it does sound like you have some underlying mental health issues - try to figure out what they are and get a foothold on them and I bet it's a lot easier to take a break from the other stuff:

Also, so you don't feel like hell, take a break from everything but pot, the try to ween your pot use down. I know that easier said than done l, but just try

 

[herbavore]

I try my best to be a good person but there's some shit inside me that was there way before the drugs, and it's not going anywhere. I hope some day I can find peace and put everything behind me.

The "shit inside that was there way before the drugs" is a phrase that could probably change the whole experience of your life if you dedicated yourself to understanding it and healing it rather than running from it or masking it. Drug abuse (overuse or out of control use) usually has pain at its root. Figuring out where that pain originated, what its makeup is and how to make peace with it and move forward is not an easy task but it can strangely make life feel much more meaningful when you do.

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

Somehow I think that statement has been made many times by Xanax users.

Ha! Particularly through my RC benzo phases, there's inky black periods that last months at a time where I really don't know what the fuck I might have done. And I've heard from other people that I did some REALLY out of character madass things. It's terrible really. Scary even. Apparently one night I sat in a chair, and whenever my tenant entered the room I'd chuck a donut at his head shouting "HAVE A DONUT!" I have no recollection whatsoever, man I act like a dick on benzos. It's like I'm possessed by another person I really don't like.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Are these benzo WDs? Alcohol WDs?

Yes, and Yes.

DO NOT -- I REPEAT

DO NOT QUIT COLD TURKEY!!

Alcohol and Benzo withdrawal can kill you, and frequent cold-turkey attempts can cause kindling -- making the WD worse each time.

Find a doctor that will do an Ashton based benzo taper, and also treat your alcohol w/d.