Depression Wishing For Death

[I'm-Still-Alive]

I’m just really, really struggling right now. Every part of me is screaming to end it all and technically I have the means to do so. I just am too chicken to act on anything right now. But goddamn, my heart hurts and I just want to curl up in a ball and die. My boyfriend just said that my depression radiates and it makes it really fucking hard to be around me. And I get it. That’s why my friends have stopped talking to me in the past. I hate my life and I just want it all to stop. I wish I could just pluck up the courage to make it end. Then maybe he could move on and be happy with someone else. Everyone could be happier without me. What happened to the happy little girl? The driven and motivated teen who wanted to help others? The strong, independent woman who had it in her head that nothing could stop her? I want to be that again. Instead, I’m this piece of shit who just constantly thinks of killing myself or shooting up srugs, but can’t/ won’t do either. And when it’s not those thoughts, it’s how fucking lucky I got that I have this man in my life and that he’s gonna leave me when he realizes what a shit human I am. I just hate me. I want to die. Please let me. Let it be a freak accident or something this way no one can blame themselves.

 

[Jnowhere]

This is really sad to read. Have you looked into getting help? Please don't do anything to harm yourself.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

This is really sad to read. Have you looked into getting help? Please don't do anything to harm yourself.

I see a psychiatrist, and I’m trying to get in to see a mental health counselor but everywhere is either booked with months long waitlists or they don’t take my insurance. I’m currently only working part-time so paying out of pocket isn’t an option.

 

[Jnowhere]

I see a psychiatrist, and I’m trying to get in to see a mental health counselor but everywhere is either booked with months long waitlists or they don’t take my insurance. I’m currently only working part-time so paying out of pocket isn’t an option.

Are there any support groups in your area?

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

Are there any support groups in your area?

Not that I can find.

 

[JackARoe]

What happened to the happy little girl? The driven and motivated teen who wanted to help others? The strong, independent woman who had it in her head that nothing could stop her? I want to be that again. Instead, I’m this piece of shit who just constantly thinks of killing myself or shooting up srugs, but can’t/ won’t do either.

Honestly you sound normal to me. Sad but normal. The fact that you want to help others in ways that you use to shows your intent is pure. All of us are stuck in a pickle. As I have said if you are a human being you are in at least one pickle (sticky situation that is hard to get out of) if not many.

The only reason why I can even respond is because the feelings you posted are familiar. What I have learned is it is the little things that help people. Even threads like this. So as you post you are reaching out from the wellspring of your being and helping others. Sure I would like to give the poor millions of dollars but life does not seem to be cut out like that. We have to count on the little things to give us peace. Helping others feel better. Any response to people does help. So don't cut yourself short. Live up to the name. I actually like the phrase give me five, I'm still alive, it ain't no luck, I learned to duck.

To live a whole life is a hero's journey. You make it at least most of the way you reap the rewards. It is not easy and it sucks for most of us. I honestly do not know any truly happy people these days. I mean yes deep down I can be happy, but on the surface this world keeps kicking me down. But you get up again and live another day. You never know what will happen tomorrow.

Feel better I'm Still Alive. Thanks for posting. And remember it would break peoples hearts if you were not around. No pets counting on you? You keep the balance and don't realize it. Your absence would hurt the people around you that much I know. And they are trying to be brave and living their life.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

Honestly you sound normal to me. Sad but normal. The fact that you want to help others in ways that you use to shows your intent is pure. All of us are stuck in a pickle. As I have said if you are a human being you are in at least one pickle (sticky situation that is hard to get out of) if not many.

The only reason why I can even respond is because the feelings you posted are familiar. What I have learned is it is the little things that help people. Even threads like this. So as you post you are reaching out from the wellspring of your being and helping others. Sure I would like to give the poor millions of dollars but life does not seem to be cut out like that. We have to count on the little things to give us peace. Helping others feel better. Any response to people does help. So don't cut yourself short. Live up to the name. I actually like the phrase give me five, I'm still alive, it ain't no luck, I learned to duck.

To live a whole life is a hero's journey. You make it at least most of the way you reap the rewards. It is not easy and it sucks for most of us. I honestly do not know any truly happy people these days. I mean yes deep down I can be happy, but on the surface this world keeps kicking me down. But you get up again and live another day. You never know what will happen tomorrow.

Feel better I'm Still Alive. Thanks for posting. And remember it would break peoples hearts if you were not around. No pets counting on you? You keep the balance and don't realize it. Your absence would hurt the people around you that much I know. And they are trying to be brave and living their life.

I have three birds… they’re the only real things keeping me going. I just want it to end somehow. My life has been nothing but pain for months and months. And my poor boyfriend. He deserves better.

 

[JackARoe]

I have three birds…

That is poetic. Singing their sweet song! Your birds look to you for their own survival. And they Love you or they would not be anywhere near you. Your boyfriend too. We are all so closely tied together.

Get out of the habit of saying your worthless and get into the habit of waking up and taking care of yourself. Everyone around you will flourish if you do that and you yourself will feel better.

I am having a bad day today so I totally get the feeling. But yeah, row row row your boat gently down the stream.....

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

That is poetic. Singing their sweet song! Your birds look to you for their own survival. And they Love you or they would not be anywhere near you. Your boyfriend too. We are all so closely tied together.

Get out of the habit of saying your worthless and get into the habit of waking up and taking care of yourself. Everyone around you will flourish if you do that and you yourself will feel better.

I am having a bad day today so I totally get the feeling. But yeah, row row row your boat gently down the stream.....

They do sing so sweetly. They're the only happiness I have right now.

 

[JackARoe]

They do sing so sweetly. They're the only happiness I have right now.

They know it. Just had my 16 year old Cocker Spaniel pass a few months ago. I could not imagine me leaving her here alone when she was alive. I will live the life of grief to spare her. That is Love. And I swear I can feel that little spirit still teaching me now like a mirror. Animals communicate non verbally. And I know you know what your birds are saying. If you need a hobby look into animal communication. It is very interesting. There are always new things to learn and you have the animals already!

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

They know it. Just had my 16 year old Cocker Spaniel pass a few months ago. I could not imagine me leaving her here alone when she was alive. I will live the life of grief to spare her. That is Love. And I swear I can feel that little spirit still teaching me now like a mirror. Animals communicate non verbally. And I know you know what your birds are saying. If you need a hobby look into animal communication. It is very interesting. There are always new things to learn and you have the animals already!

I'm so sorry for your loss! It sounds like you gave her a great life though, otherwise she wouldn't still be trying to reach out to you.

 

[JackARoe]

I'm so sorry for your loss! It sounds like you gave her a great life though, otherwise she wouldn't still be trying to reach out to you.

Here is the thing. I watched thousands of near death experiences with my dog right by me. Never did I expect an ongoing learning. What is happening is I hear my own words when trying to teach her reaching back and teaching me. Hard to explain. Let's just say I look back on some situations with a whole new light. Things I did not understand for years became clear. I never thought some confusion would clear.

Thanks, yes she was loved more than anything. And you can't love something that much without it coming back to you. Seems to be a natural law.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

I’m so incredibly depressed. My boyfriend doesn’t understand. He just doesn’t. My motivation for life is gone and I just can’t find a reason to really keep pushing on. My boyfriend said that I’m the most pessimistic, negative person there is. I need to try harder to be happy. I should just try to be happy and focus on the positives. I just don’t want to get my hopes up and have them crushed. Everytime something good happens, it’s clouded by something terrible. But I can’t even express this without him understanding it.

 

[kongoman]

Im sorry for your feelings. I know very well what depression is. And before I didnt know it until I had a very heavy depression. Its very difficult for who have not dealed with depression to understand it.

I think to try to be happy when depressed its a impossible think. Its better to accept that your body is not capable to feel happy but this will change. I dont know when but all is changing. I had a 4 years depression and I struggled with life like you. But this has changed and now im feeling happy with my simple life. It was a slow process but the change is possible.

Love

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

Im sorry for your feelings. I know very well what depression is. And before I didnt know it until I had a very heavy depression. Its very difficult for who have not dealed with depression to understand it.

I think to try to be happy when depressed its a impossible think. Its better to accept that your body is not capable to feel happy but this will change. I dont know when but all is changing. I had a 4 years depression and I struggled with life like you. But this has changed and now im feeling happy with my simple life. It was a slow process but the change is possible.

Love

Unfortunately, I don’t have years. I need to get my shit together soon or that’s it. He doesn’t want to be with someone who’s unmotivated and depressed and doesn’t want to be happy. But what he doesn’t seem to understand is I DO want to be happy. I just can’t make that happen out of nowhere. It takes time. It takes work and I’ve been trying to get a goddamn therapist to fucking call me back but they won’t. I feel so hopeless and helpless.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

So, I keep trying to contact mental health counseling services in my area. I can't do anything about getting in to see anyone. I tried again today, but because it's a holiday, the office that I'm trying to get into is closed. So I'm going to just take some Klonopin and take a nap. Hopefully when I wake up I'll feel a bit better. I'm tired of all of this.

 

[washingtonbound]

I’m just really, really struggling right now. Every part of me is screaming to end it all and technically I have the means to do so. I just am too chicken to act on anything right now. But goddamn, my heart hurts and I just want to curl up in a ball and die. My boyfriend just said that my depression radiates and it makes it really fucking hard to be around me. And I get it. That’s why my friends have stopped talking to me in the past. I hate my life and I just want it all to stop. I wish I could just pluck up the courage to make it end. Then maybe he could move on and be happy with someone else. Everyone could be happier without me. What happened to the happy little girl? The driven and motivated teen who wanted to help others? The strong, independent woman who had it in her head that nothing could stop her? I want to be that again. Instead, I’m this piece of shit who just constantly thinks of killing myself or shooting up srugs, but can’t/ won’t do either. And when it’s not those thoughts, it’s how fucking lucky I got that I have this man in my life and that he’s gonna leave me when he realizes what a shit human I am. I just hate me. I want to die. Please let me. Let it be a freak accident or something this way no one can blame themselves.

Understand that you’re not alone in your feelings. It’s very easy to spiral downward when you get a shitty thought train, and to begin catastrophizing. What others have reminded me of is that everything is temporary. You feel like this now but mention you were once confident; that person is still in there and just needs to be activated again.

 

[DrZaius1]

It‘s been 8 months wishing the same thing, I got stuff to OD with a few weeks ago but don’t have any courage to go through with it.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

It‘s been 8 months wishing the same thing, I got stuff to OD with a few weeks ago but don’t have any courage to go through with it.

Please don’t… I’m so sorry that you feel this way. It’s so hard feeling like this. And it’s easier said than done. Because I’ve made plans and all that myself. I know what I’m going to do should I make that decision. But trust me, you deserve to live.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

Understand that you’re not alone in your feelings. It’s very easy to spiral downward when you get a shitty thought train, and to begin catastrophizing. What others have reminded me of is that everything is temporary. You feel like this now but mention you were once confident; that person is still in there and just needs to be activated again.

I’m trying so hard. And the thing is… I know these things. I was a counselor. I worked on crisis hotlines and helped others through this. I’m just so sad right now and I want to fix everything. I feel like nothing will get better, ever. It’s so hard.