I'm-Still-Alive
Bluelighter
I’m just really, really struggling right now. Every part of me is screaming to end it all and technically I have the means to do so. I just am too chicken to act on anything right now. But goddamn, my heart hurts and I just want to curl up in a ball and die. My boyfriend just said that my depression radiates and it makes it really fucking hard to be around me. And I get it. That’s why my friends have stopped talking to me in the past. I hate my life and I just want it all to stop. I wish I could just pluck up the courage to make it end. Then maybe he could move on and be happy with someone else. Everyone could be happier without me. What happened to the happy little girl? The driven and motivated teen who wanted to help others? The strong, independent woman who had it in her head that nothing could stop her? I want to be that again. Instead, I’m this piece of shit who just constantly thinks of killing myself or shooting up srugs, but can’t/ won’t do either. And when it’s not those thoughts, it’s how fucking lucky I got that I have this man in my life and that he’s gonna leave me when he realizes what a shit human I am. I just hate me. I want to die. Please let me. Let it be a freak accident or something this way no one can blame themselves.