ANewKindOfArmy
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 13, 2004
- Messages
- 466
I'm not 100% sure this topic belongs within these forums so Admins please let me know if it doesn't i dont want to take up space.
So over the years i've spent plenty of time on these forums. At different times for different reasons. Sometimes Safety, sometimes General knowledge of a substance, and towards the end of my active abuse Support. Now in all that time i cant really think of even 1 time during coming across a person with more than a bit of time or even any completely away from benzo's. So i thought after speaking with my brother tonight maybe i could help someone that currently feels as hopeless as i found myself. Before reading... it is possible and you can do it.
First i guess i should give you some slight background or Credentials even. ill keep it as brief as possible.
My names John, I'm 28 years old and i've been born and raised in Philadelphia, Pa, USA. For as long as i can recall i have always had some kind of mental issue. I tend and many DR's to date seem to blame some things that happened when i was a kid ( that im still not completely comfortable talking about) and the death of my oldest brother who was everything to my brother and I. I've always had serious anxiety and panic attacks and generally felt so bad. From an early age i was Rx'ed plenty of medications and as the years went on i got into Drugs. After all the meds and therapy and crap not working I and my Dr's seemed to say fuck it. I was 14 and rx'ed 5mg Valium and whatever ssri the doctor currently felt would help. At first valium changed EVERYTHING. I couldn't have ever expected anything to work so well. sadly as time went on it slowly stopped being as effective.
Around that time i began heavily experimenting with drugs. Mostly psychedelics and cannabis. I actually was starting to believe psychedelics helped me and i believe for a time they kind of did. They made me think more deeply into things therefore not thinking about others as much. but of course mental illness is a bitch. Then i found opiates. GAME OVER. After the first 10mg dose of oxycodone i felt like i was destined for this. My life changed at first so much for the better as crazy as that sounds. Now to spare paragraphs and your time we'll skip ahead. Skip 5 years and i was a full blown heroin addict. After time in and out of rehabs somehow on my 5th i actually kicked it ( to this day actually surprisingly enough) .
Now after all the rehabs previously failing i decided to go onto Buprenorphine MAT and i really think for me it was good the sub at least. Now as im sure you are thinking Yes through this whole time, i was still rx'ed Valium and Xanax as needed for panic attacks. Then after about 2 years something happened. Im not sure what but i went from taking my Sub and Valium as directed to Awfully abusing the benzo's mixed with the bupe. this went on for YEARS. By the end of it i was taking 16mgs of Alprozolam and whatever valium i was currently being rx'ed i believe it was 10mgs 2 times a day and 12mgs of Buprenorphine daily, I'd wake up take 4 xanax bars and a full 8mg sub then as the day went on take another 4 xanax bars and 4mgs of sub and of course from time to time when possible more xanax and more valium. As anyone who knows about benzo abuse will tell you that isnt a minor dose or a joke in anyway. Dangerous. I honestly do not know how i survived it. Especially with the way i drank throughout that whole time.
I got into a detox and rehab. It was the most brutal experience of my life. I of course went in completely wrecked. My dad actually took me in, they explained the possible outcomes of trying to rapid detox this kind of issue ( death, siezures , brain damage) but both myself and anyone who cared about me still had this feeling of this needs to happen or hes going to die anyway. I truely believed that as well. I was seriously to the point of suicide or as i wished at times i just wouldn't wake up
So after around 20 hours in, i had an all out disturbing seizure and was hospitalized. i continued having them. By time they let me come back to the actual rehab grounds i was mentally destroyed not only from all this unbearable anxiety and straight panic and delusion coming back from it being suppressed for so long but the fact the seizures left me with this constant IM TRIPPING BAD feeling. Fast forward 30 days and i was released from rehab and i remember thinking from the first day of actual detox that i could never make it this long again, so ride it out or kill yourself but youre not going back... As crazy as that may sound it got me through my first year. I was still so anxiety consumed and full of constant panic that the whole NA or AA thing just didn't seem possible for me. So i rode it out with that Mentality you made it this far keep riding it, keep going. It has to get better soon.
Its now coming up on 3 YEARS AWAY FROM THEM. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you everything is the greatest in the world. I'm currently on Wellbutrin 150mgs and that is it. And to be completely honest with you. I feel better now than i have ever felt as long as i can recall. I work a full time job ( 60 hours + a week) i have a girl i love the shit out of and my life feels like it's finally at least in a place where i'm able to dream of possibility and work towards it. Yes i may still have some panic attacks, and i may still be anxious but nothing like it was that first while after coming off Benzo's. I'm writting this in hope that anyone that was in a position like mine at that time of pure hopelessness literally praying anyone could give me anything close to hope may see this and have some hope because for me i really believed it was impossible. Now i dont know what the future holds no one does but i do know that after all this i feel stronger than i ever have. Better than i ever have.
I'm offering help of support. If you have any questions about me or my story or anything about this feel free to PM i'll check back as often as possible. Do not give up hope and KNOW, YOU CAN DO THIS. It isn't impossible some turd from Philly has as of this time done this. Meaning ANYONE CAN.
Hope to have helped anyone.
- John
So over the years i've spent plenty of time on these forums. At different times for different reasons. Sometimes Safety, sometimes General knowledge of a substance, and towards the end of my active abuse Support. Now in all that time i cant really think of even 1 time during coming across a person with more than a bit of time or even any completely away from benzo's. So i thought after speaking with my brother tonight maybe i could help someone that currently feels as hopeless as i found myself. Before reading... it is possible and you can do it.
First i guess i should give you some slight background or Credentials even. ill keep it as brief as possible.
My names John, I'm 28 years old and i've been born and raised in Philadelphia, Pa, USA. For as long as i can recall i have always had some kind of mental issue. I tend and many DR's to date seem to blame some things that happened when i was a kid ( that im still not completely comfortable talking about) and the death of my oldest brother who was everything to my brother and I. I've always had serious anxiety and panic attacks and generally felt so bad. From an early age i was Rx'ed plenty of medications and as the years went on i got into Drugs. After all the meds and therapy and crap not working I and my Dr's seemed to say fuck it. I was 14 and rx'ed 5mg Valium and whatever ssri the doctor currently felt would help. At first valium changed EVERYTHING. I couldn't have ever expected anything to work so well. sadly as time went on it slowly stopped being as effective.
Around that time i began heavily experimenting with drugs. Mostly psychedelics and cannabis. I actually was starting to believe psychedelics helped me and i believe for a time they kind of did. They made me think more deeply into things therefore not thinking about others as much. but of course mental illness is a bitch. Then i found opiates. GAME OVER. After the first 10mg dose of oxycodone i felt like i was destined for this. My life changed at first so much for the better as crazy as that sounds. Now to spare paragraphs and your time we'll skip ahead. Skip 5 years and i was a full blown heroin addict. After time in and out of rehabs somehow on my 5th i actually kicked it ( to this day actually surprisingly enough) .
Now after all the rehabs previously failing i decided to go onto Buprenorphine MAT and i really think for me it was good the sub at least. Now as im sure you are thinking Yes through this whole time, i was still rx'ed Valium and Xanax as needed for panic attacks. Then after about 2 years something happened. Im not sure what but i went from taking my Sub and Valium as directed to Awfully abusing the benzo's mixed with the bupe. this went on for YEARS. By the end of it i was taking 16mgs of Alprozolam and whatever valium i was currently being rx'ed i believe it was 10mgs 2 times a day and 12mgs of Buprenorphine daily, I'd wake up take 4 xanax bars and a full 8mg sub then as the day went on take another 4 xanax bars and 4mgs of sub and of course from time to time when possible more xanax and more valium. As anyone who knows about benzo abuse will tell you that isnt a minor dose or a joke in anyway. Dangerous. I honestly do not know how i survived it. Especially with the way i drank throughout that whole time.
I got into a detox and rehab. It was the most brutal experience of my life. I of course went in completely wrecked. My dad actually took me in, they explained the possible outcomes of trying to rapid detox this kind of issue ( death, siezures , brain damage) but both myself and anyone who cared about me still had this feeling of this needs to happen or hes going to die anyway. I truely believed that as well. I was seriously to the point of suicide or as i wished at times i just wouldn't wake up
So after around 20 hours in, i had an all out disturbing seizure and was hospitalized. i continued having them. By time they let me come back to the actual rehab grounds i was mentally destroyed not only from all this unbearable anxiety and straight panic and delusion coming back from it being suppressed for so long but the fact the seizures left me with this constant IM TRIPPING BAD feeling. Fast forward 30 days and i was released from rehab and i remember thinking from the first day of actual detox that i could never make it this long again, so ride it out or kill yourself but youre not going back... As crazy as that may sound it got me through my first year. I was still so anxiety consumed and full of constant panic that the whole NA or AA thing just didn't seem possible for me. So i rode it out with that Mentality you made it this far keep riding it, keep going. It has to get better soon.
Its now coming up on 3 YEARS AWAY FROM THEM. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you everything is the greatest in the world. I'm currently on Wellbutrin 150mgs and that is it. And to be completely honest with you. I feel better now than i have ever felt as long as i can recall. I work a full time job ( 60 hours + a week) i have a girl i love the shit out of and my life feels like it's finally at least in a place where i'm able to dream of possibility and work towards it. Yes i may still have some panic attacks, and i may still be anxious but nothing like it was that first while after coming off Benzo's. I'm writting this in hope that anyone that was in a position like mine at that time of pure hopelessness literally praying anyone could give me anything close to hope may see this and have some hope because for me i really believed it was impossible. Now i dont know what the future holds no one does but i do know that after all this i feel stronger than i ever have. Better than i ever have.
I'm offering help of support. If you have any questions about me or my story or anything about this feel free to PM i'll check back as often as possible. Do not give up hope and KNOW, YOU CAN DO THIS. It isn't impossible some turd from Philly has as of this time done this. Meaning ANYONE CAN.
Hope to have helped anyone.
- John