• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: streaM Freak

Wife of addict need help

D

denise1979

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 7, 2017
Messages
14
I don't want to say it out loud but i'm getting nervous, not too positive over here. My husband is addicted to shooting coke did a 28 day rehab and currently doing outpatient but "slips up" at least once a week. He's ruining his business, his life and his family's life. I'm trying so hard to stick by him but it's so stressful I end up taking it out on my kids and that's not ok. That's what makes me want to leave. I can't even talk to him about it because he says when I "bust his balls" it makes him want to use. I have to talk to someone about it. I'm about to give up on him. I'm scared. Our home is going to be in foreclosure soon. I don't want to give up I want him to get better so my daughters don't grow up without a father but I don't know what to do I don't know how to handle this. He says he doesn't want to do it but he can't stop. He's done so much messed up stuff because of this but I'm willing to try to work through that stuff but he needs to stop now. Although to be totally honest I probably would have left already if I could afford it. I don't want to take my girls out of their home and he has no where to go we can't afford for either of us to leave. I don't know what to do.
 
He needs a program. Maybe you borh do. It needs to stop. He may even need an inpatient program.
 
He's done two so far. I think he needs to go for much longer than 28 days. I don't use I definitely need a support program yes but I have 2 kids and not much help with babysitting so its difficult for me to get to any kinds of meetings or things like that.
 
I cannot emphasize this enough " Kids First ". Then You. Then him. He has to want to quit... Till that happens there is nothing you can do. If he cannot do the right thing you need to.

R13
 
Reanimator13 said:
I cannot emphasize this enough " Kids First ". Then You. Then him. He has to want to quit... Till that happens there is nothing you can do. If he cannot do the right thing you need to.

R13
Click to expand...

Well said. I agree completely.

Denise, is there somewhere you can go if things get worse? Maybe friends or family you could stay with for a while? It sounds like your husband does want to quit, but that he's either not ready or not willing to go all-in on his recovery. Until he is ready for that, I think it's a very good idea to line up at least a temporary safe harbor for you and your kids.

Please keep us in the loop!
 
What does his outpatient program consist of? Does he have his own therapist and psychiatrist outside of the treatment program? How does your husband feel about his cocaine use?
 
I know you are both correct. Trust me I feel like the worst mother in the world for not leaving months ago. But I would also feel like a terrible mother for just giving up on their father. My family each only have one bedroom and I have me and 2 kids. If things got unsafe or something like that then yes i would figure out something and get my kids the hell out of here. It just pains me to have to rip them out of their home. and if my family finds out he's messing up again they will never forgive him and there would definitely be no way of working things out then. He is currently in a legal program where he gets tested weekly so its only a matter of time before he goes back to jail. unless he kills himself first. I don't want to see either of those things happen but i'm sick of living like this. he believes he overdosed like 3 times. i constantly have flash backs of the night i brought him to the ER and they called a code for him and all the doctors and nurses came rushing in. he says he truly does want to stop. part of me believes that part of me doesn't its just hard for me to understand. I think he's using this addiction is a disease and he can't help it as an excuse. I could be wrong, again, I don't know. He says if I go to my own meetings it will help him. I don't see how it will but i am willing to try, and not even for him because i'm still so angry and hurt i don't feel he deserves my help, i'll do it for my kids so hopefully they can grow up with a healthy father and maybe never even know about this. i just don't understand i guess thats my problem.
 
Your safety and the safety of your children need to take priority here. Unfortunately, he needs to realise himself that he needs to stop. An addict can only recover when they are ready to. This might mean that his situation gets worse before it gets better like losing his job and his family if he continues to use and it has a negative impact on your life and the lives of your children. You 100% do not need to enable his addiction or drug use in any way. If he can see that his drug use is destroying his life and the lives of others around him then maybe he will accept help through reaching out to treatment and addiction services. You just need to be safe and supportive and facilitating of his recovery if this is possible but do not put yourself in danger. Reach out for help yourself (family, friends and even your local Emergency Services) and don't suffer in silence. But this is his battle and he needs to realise what he has lost and what he is going to lose if he continues. I wish you all the best.
 
Last edited:
I would definitely get your own therapist OP. There is nothing wrong with you going to meetings your partner suggests (I'm assuming Alanon), but you should only make it a habit if you find them helpful in and of themselves. Regardless, you'd benefit from people in your real life who can help you navigate this whole mess.

Whatever the case may be, it sounds like your partner would benefit from another form of treatment than what he currently has (either stuff in addition to what he's currently doing or something else entirely).

This is kind of a wild suggestion and may not be at all practical in this case, but I have heard from a couple people with cocaine use disorders who found iboga really very helpful.
 
his outpatient is group 3 times a week and individual once month. he does not have his own therapist outside of the program. he says he hates it and wants to stop. but he's been lying to me for years so i dont know if that's completely true
 
Generally when someone says they don't like treatment, they mean it. Sounds like the treatment he's been receiving hasn't been a very good fit. He'd probably do a bit better with the individual attention of working with a psychiatrist and therapist (seeing the therapist 2-3/week and the psychiatrist once a month or as needed). But it sounds like he has to stick out the treatment he's in now for legal reasons.

Kinda sounds like he doesn't want to totally stop using just now. Working with him on getting him to make healthier choices that promote a different lifestyle might be worthwhile, but ultimately if he isn't motivated not much is gonna change short-mid term.
 
Do you have the insurance to get affordable therapy for the both of you?
Also it's summer so look into what kind of children's activities you can find locally to get the kids out of your way for a few hours each day. Check your local rec center for a list of programs. It's vacation bible school season if you're religious in the least and that's a free several hour a day activity. Also check with the public library for summer reading groups and such.
Obviously I'm not suggesting you force your kids into a million activities they may not be interested in just brainstorming ideas to help you get some "me time"
 
You are going to have to realise that he is an addict and has been choosing drugs over you and the kids. He needs to step up and realise he is needed as a husband and father and can not go on putting drugs first if he wants to remain in the family as the husband and father. Right now he is acting like an ex partner and dead beat dad.

I know its hard as you love him and feel like you need him. You dont need him like this.

Its going to take a long time, months, to get your husband back. If thats what he wants as well.

You need to separate from him officially. You need to move you and your kids and what you need from the house and if that means living in one room so be it.

Go to a lawyer and draw up papers to begin oroceedings.

Cite your reasons.


Apply for any assistance you can get from the government.

Its hard but you deserve better and he needs to know tou are serious as you've put up with a lot and not left so he thinks you never will
 
Most outpatient programs suck. They are just there to milk money from court ordered people. 28 days isn't a long enough rehab but insurance is what it is and paying for a 6 month program is out of the question for all but the most rich. Your probably going to lose the house. Generally thingspeaking get worse before they get better.

Slip ups don't mean he is not trying. He needs to get with a phychiatrist and get on mess to help him quit the coke. I know for me coke was my first addiction. I quit by smoking weed whenever I had a craving. A doctor might give him Adderall which could satisfy his brain ebough to get through probation and save the house. The legal issues complicate everything.

You need to prepare to be the sole breadwinner for the fanily. He's probably going to be a tornado in your lif ed for awhile. NA has a 5-8 percent success rate so it's not his fault really we just don't have good treatment options yet for addiction.
 
I do not think any doctor with common sense would give a coke addict adderal but a lot of doctors don't have common sense when it comes to addiction.
The last thing you need is him getting addicted to another substance.
 
Weed probably, but not a prescription drug that has similar physical effects as cocaine and would be used to substitute cocaine and is addictive.
Weed isn't at all similar to cocaine and isn't used for the same effect.
 
Very true, if he didn't enjoy weed there would be no point.

I wonder whether he'd get the kind of relief he needs if he switched to taking kratom? That can be kinda stimulating, although very different from cocaine of course. I've known people who effectively replaced methampetamine with buprenorphine, so I imagine replacing cocaine with kratom would be at least somewhat feasible.
 
Thank you zephyr i say to him all the time that he chooses drugs over us he says no way it's the addiction. I'm going for at least a free consultation with a divorce attorney next week. Not sure what my options are as far as assistance while we are still legally together. It would be a lot easier for me it he just gets himself arrested again then me and my girls can stay in the house until it forecloses and i can save up as much as possible. not what i want to ultimately happen just trying to have a back up plan
 
cj I thought overdosing a few times, getting arrested twice and facing over a year in federal prison would be as bad as it could get but I could be wrong. i know that would be my rock bottom the possibility of never seeing my family again but i'm not the addict so i guess i can't say. unfortunately he's out of slip ups with the justice system. He knows this. i just don't see why thats not enough motivation.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top