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Wife of addict need help

He's supposed to be getting the vivitrol shot next month but I'm not sure that will help isn't that for opiates?
 
Yes that is for opioids and alcohol. I believe there might be some suggestion in the research somewhere that it might also help folks deal with cocaine cravings, but I would be highly skeptical of any such claims. Naltrexone isn't the most effective medication, particularly not in this case. Who knows, it may help, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's just a waste of money.
 
It does sound like you have been going around in circles for a while and you sound like you are exhausted from all your worries and concerns. I did not want my previous advice to sound too harsh in the slightest but his actions are going to speak louder than his words if he is going to take his recovery seriously, which is ultimately affecting your wellbeing. But it does sound like his drug use is having such a negative impact on your life. You can only do so much by facilitating his recovery by helping him access treatment such as going to recovery groups, therapy, medication or psychiatry (whatever he needs to do to recover) but you yourself cannot make him stop.

I am an ex-heroin, crack cocaine and benzodiazepine addict so I know all too well how difficult it is to stop. But I did unfortunately have to reach my rock bottom on several occasions (ODs, Hep C, jail, unemployment, mental health problems, aggression, destroyed relationships...) before I could really see the impact my addiction was having on my life, and my relationships, and the lives of others around me. This became my motivation to recover. And as hard and as tempting as it is to want to stick by him, you also do not need to have your life destroyed, or your safety and wellbeing compromised, because of his addiction.
 
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There is a lot of really good advice here. I just wanted to point something out. You don't have to give up on him to leave him. You could always tell him your not going to be together until hes sober. That way your not giving up on him, but also not putting up with his bullshit! <3
 
denise1979 said:
Thank you zephyr i say to him all the time that he chooses drugs over us he says no way it's the addiction. I'm going for at least a free consultation with a divorce attorney next week. Not sure what my options are as far as assistance while we are still legally together. It would be a lot easier for me it he just gets himself arrested again then me and my girls can stay in the house until it forecloses and i can save up as much as possible. not what i want to ultimately happen just trying to have a back up plan
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Its a shame the house is forclosing but its just a house. You can always get another eventually by yourself and no man can take it away.

So be sad about losing it then put it behind you.

Your husbands actions as an addict are understandable to me as I am also an addict.

As an addict I have to say its very hard to stop and it costs friends relationships jobs and invesyments.

But that is his problem and he will have to figure out what he wants from life on his own. He probably wants just everything. You. The kids. Drugs. Someone to just do everything while he does nothing but indulge.

So please mate. See this lawyer and get good solid advice.

There will be assistance available depending on your area financially and benefit wise and housing but its hard to get all the information. You have to go looking for it.

Take every bit of welfare and assistance you can get. Its what its for.

Maybe this shock will snap him out. Maybe he will use it as an excuse to get back into it. Thats up to him. Hopefully he will do the right thing.


You really need to put you and kids first and let him know you are there should he want to talk or see the kids. But let him work it out and be the man you once knew.
 
Denise- There is a program out there to help the spouses, children, other affected loved ones of addicts. If you can find an al-anon meeting, or something along those lines, they may be able to help you with what to expect/ help you do something for your kids, your self, and maybe (eventually) your guy. This crap about you 'busting his balls makes you responsible for him wanting to use' is just that, crap! This is a fantastic way to make him the victim- don't let him make it your fault.
 
Several times? Oh gosh ?? I'm sorry you had to go through all of that congrats on being sober now. Thanks for the advice everyone. You basically all confirmed what I already knew deep down inside I just didn't want to admit it. I keep going from things will get better to I hate him I'm out to why me we could have had a really nice life together with 2 beautiful chlldren. Now I'm going to have to leave these kids in daycare for 10 hours a day to work to try to afford to barely get by. God knows how long it will be before I meet someone else again my girlfriend has been divorced for 13 years. I can't even begin to imagine how this will effect my girls. My dad left when I was 21 and it still upsets me. My 3 month old may not even remember her father. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Oh well I'm going to attempt to stay positive for now and try not to put that negativity into the universe but still prepare for the worst. Thanks everyone.
 
Have you thought about going to couples therapy to discuss this stuff with him? Or even some kind of other mediator figure (like a religious minister, whatever)?

It sounds like your husband is having some communication issues with you, considering how uncertain you are about what is going on with him.
 
I found a local nar-anon meeting I'm going to try to get to next week if I can find a sitter
 
couples therapy is a good idea plus I think he does need a separate private therapist like you said earlier.
 
OP, al-anon was helpful for me but I also had other forms of support and other philosophies to draw on (and it wasn't my partner, it was my son) so it was not the only thing. If nothing else, sitting in a room where you know everyone knows exactly how hard it is. It was also useful to see my part in things--my stress fed my son's stress and his fed mine--it was a loop and even though I saw the destruction I did not understand a way out. The way out is recognizing that you have no control over anything but yourself and your own thoughts and reactions. Once I shifted the focus back to myself and recognized that I needed to make changes rather than just focusing on my desperate need for my son to make changes, things got easier between us and there was a lot more trust.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is very difficult and it can make you feel very alone and powerless in your own life. Concentrate on making your life and your daughters' lives as calm as possible. I feel very badly for your husband as well. I know that he wants to be a good father and partner and he probably feels that there is no way out--but there is. As long as there is breath, there is hope.
 
zephyr said:
Its a shame the house is forclosing but its just a house. You can always get another eventually by yourself and no man can take it away.

So be sad about losing it then put it behind you.

Your husbands actions as an addict are understandable to me as I am also an addict.

As an addict I have to say its very hard to stop and it costs friends relationships jobs and invesyments.

But that is his problem and he will have to figure out what he wants from life on his own. He probably wants just everything. You. The kids. Drugs. Someone to just do everything while he does nothing but indulge.

So please mate. See this lawyer and get good solid advice.

There will be assistance available depending on your area financially and benefit wise and housing but its hard to get all the information. You have to go looking for it.

Take every bit of welfare and assistance you can get. Its what its for.

Maybe this shock will snap him out. Maybe he will use it as an excuse to get back into it. Thats up to him. Hopefully he will do the right thing.


You really need to put you and kids first and let him know you are there should he want to talk or see the kids. But let him work it out and be the man you once knew.
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Youre totally right he does want both. He's not getting that he can't have it that way. He's so used to getting his way he doesn't understand that a new car for me and a trip to Disney for his kids is not going to undo the damage he has done. If he's truly sick and cannot help it why is he able to not use the few days before court. He thinks I'm stupid.
 
I'm just gonna put this here because right now I have no one else to talk to about this and just typing this out makes me feel a little better. Tonight my husband came home from work and my 2 year old was still up. He's been working super late so she hasn't seen him in days. All he said to her was go to bed. It was so heartbreaking. He showered ate his dinner out a movie on and fell asleep. So here I am trying to put 2 kids to bed at the same time while he sleeps. Probably better off if he's going to be mean to them. I can't even say anything to him because it hurts his recovery. I've begun to hate that word it makes him sound like a victim of something. I'm having a hard time keeping it together. So much is expected of me. He wants me to get a sitter so we can go out just us, he wants me to watch movies with him and other things I really don't care to do at the time and if I don't he will say he got bored and that's why he used. I know it's not my fault I don't accept the blame it's just so annoying I don't know if I feel like dealing with this the rest of my life I don't know if that sounds mean or not. I guess I would be hurt if he said that to me but it's not just that. I don't wan to walk on eggshells the rest of my life. I'm trying to hold on for things to get better but I'm losing my patience. In the meantime I'll just keep trying to save up as much money as I can I don't see this marriage working even if he does stay sober. I really thought he would be a better father. I love my children to death but god I wish I never met this man. In thinking about the couples therapy if I can't say what I feel why bother going. He won't talk anyway. I know everyone says I should leave but I am afraid. Right is I get to be home with my children and they don't really know any things wrong except my 2 year old I'm sure is starting to feel neglected. She's so at
 
Please take steps to find some kind of mediator or therapist. Even if he isn't willing to try it, it would definitely be a big support to yourself.

This all sounds very difficult.
 
You said something interesting... that you cant say anything because it hurts his recovery. I do not believe 1) that you telling him how you feel when he ___ in an assertive way, being careful with your wording. But even if he DOES get angry and uses? That is not your fault AND I he would have found a differemt reason to use if not 'you'. This way he does not need to take responsibility for it and/or change his behavior/reaction in the future.

Its gotta say something if all us addicts are sending pretty similar replies, to create distance between the kids and yourself.... and him. Also, to check out al-anon meetings, EVEN if
 
denise1979 said:
... I have no one else to talk to about this and just typing this out makes me feel a little better.
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That is so good to hear that this is helping you. It does sound like you yourself also need to reach out and talk to people who will listen about the pain and struggle you are experiencing. It must feel extremely lonely and isolating to be in the situation you are in as it does not sound like you can talk to your partner without fear of causing a negative reaction or worse. But you cannot live on eggshells forever as this is undoubtedly causing you and your children a considerable amount of stress.

Everyone's journey to recovery is different but as I previously have mentioned unfortunately he may have to realise not only how much his addiction is negatively affecting his own life but also the lives of his family and everyone else around him. Lapses and relapses are quite common in early recovery but there is a difference if someone is really not trying or motivated.

It will help him if he can access a form of treatment that he finds helpful and useful but unfortunately constraints in healthcare, particularly in mental health and addiction, can be quite severe depending on where you are in the world and may be unethically related to an individual's income and financial situation. But you really can only do so much without neglecting your own needs and wellbeing.

You need to find yourself a form of support that allows you to talk and to process these difficult thoughts and feelings as well as accessing appropriate advice and support (nar-anon, al-anon, talking therapies, family, friends, online information and support, your primary care physician, and even emergency services if need be). It is so important that you don't suffer alone and in silence!
 
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