So my habit is creeping up really high really fast and I’m gonna be working with a team to nip it in the bud, but I have to say aside from the typical damage. It’s doing to external factors my internal spiritual life with ketamine of all drugs and I’m talking psychedelics DMT Everything there’s something about ketamine in the way it reacts to my body that allows me to think profoundly spiritually meditate at least seemingly incredibly deeply and make enough progress that it makes me want justify to keep using trying to do it responsibly as well injecting with a micro filter, but it gets to the point where I’ll start off with There being a few days or weeks in between getting my next zip and uncomfortable in dissociated but benzos help keep me level not a good thing either but neither here or there but then they get back on even if my tolerance is lowered my God like what it does see you when your tolerance is low For what it does see what your tolerance and high is is exuberantly different and it happens so quickly it’s a difference between taking a trip down the Nile as Jesus on 300 mg and soph versus shooting 600 and doing 303 times a night. It’s just really weird And it’s so bad for my nose like I’m starting to realize the damage that I’m doing but again, I think one of the gold standards in kidney and bladder care right now is snack and I’m not saying it’s gonna cure everyone or everything but neck gluon a big one for me is I’ve taken magnesium. Health urinate every single day that I’ve taken ketamine and I know that that’s helping with the glutamate storm because like I would, I would probably not be here based on How uncomfortable things are and how challenging life can be and I have these these days that come through that are just the most beautiful special days and then I have these weeks and months at times where I lost a lot of my family and I feel so alone and it’s just a really tough place to be in, but I think what I’m trying to drive home at is you can only control so much I think you need to give yourself grace but you also need to work with a team where you can make a plan in that plan might not be total absence right out of the gate Our reduction is a thing and I think that one of the best treatment centers in the area made me get off five years of Suboxone in seven days and the first two months of treatment they couldn’t participate I would cry throw up get angry all to be put back on MT as soon as I get out of there cause it keeps people alive it’s all based on a mindset that was built around opiates before the fentanyl. It doesn’t make sense to me and I’m confused but I’m trying I need everyone know I’m trying cause like my mom and I can’t figure it out and all I’ve asked repeatedly is that we wait to try to connect with a professional and she can even pick her own but I have a couple of guys that I really trust. Everything will be good, but I don’t know what she wants for me But what I’m hearing her is she wants me to to tell her how much I fucked up her life how much money I owe her and then I’m the cause of her embarrassment and meanwhile my cost in my abilities to see my son was jeopardized while my mom was front and center in my addiction codependent driving me around because I didn’t even have the keys to my own car and allowing Rory to being my hair and While I don’t blame my mom for my addiction, I do blame the sober decisions that were made while he was in our care on her and I don’t think she can even step back to consider any wrongdoing or it’s just because it’s so painful that could be inclusive of her looking back at the things that happened to her as a child because That’s what our last fight was it exploded into me telling her about my experience like working through certain things and that I’ve got a long way to go, and that we had a very different upbringing, and but she had met. My father were young and his family kind of adopted her and I think There’s a lot of addiction on her side of the family, but we ended up being a strange from them because they couldn’t behave very well and I went through life without any exposure to addiction. I watched friends die from OxyContin, obviously and stuff like that, which is terrible, but I kept going to college and had a girlfriend the whole time and stayed away from them and then while I was struggling with alcohol at 35 I found literally like a size 14 shoebox men’s shoebox full of opiates and painkillers and gabapentin in like I threw up a little bit in my mouth so when I opened it and I just remember thinking to myself like oh no cause like I am probably gonna go from This this challenge with alcohol to either having a huge huge addiction to these other opiates or you know I’ll end up dropping the alcohol but the opiates it’s not that simple so and I also got in the habit of if I’d run out of like his third script of Dilaudid that these are all 20 years old like logically the addict in my brain was like I need to buy him new ones in case he knows they’re missing so I had order replacements from the Mexican pharmacy in the next thing you know I’m high again doing three times as many And it just really was a disaster but all the cliché words stick with me and a woman I saw that was a body. Healer told me that you know the reason that you are here right now is to turn your mess into a message so I’m starting here with this message which is rambling and I don’t even know what it’s about but take good care of yourselves recognize that NAC is over-the-counter and you can start there When it comes time you know building your mitochondria health will give you some energy act that you probably lost along the way that’s me when I’m Q and instead of getting these through an online pharmacy provider which you certainly can. I think the quality of modern amino’s is spectacular and I haven’t seen their Labor Day sale yet, but I’m gonna go check it out so much so Kim’s is also very good. They are the new amino asylum so again like different different form but the way that they transition things I thought it was done really really well and it was for our benefit ultimately or everybody’s but the sun is up. This is like day two of no sleep so I’m gonna try to get some sleep before I have my Intake with my team to get them some help starting Monday or Tuesday, but good luck and stay safe everybody.