• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: Senior Staff

Why women are attracted to the assholes

dude, u dont have to be big and muscular to be an asshole.

I'm a nerd and asshole in one. i get plenty. Find a balance, stop bitching that your too nice. My mate is a genuine nice guy, whilst he dont get laid much - lots of girls want him, he's just too dumb too make a move. Scared of rejection.

When he listens to my advice, he always scores
 
So juice soldier..impart with me some of your asshole wisdom. I want some advice from your asshole, just squeeze it out a nice package of it for me, thanks. As long as I eat it then I'll get lots of diseases, I mean pussy right?
 
Attraction is one thing entirely.

And genuine confidence does not equate to being mad at the world, treating others like shit, or the like. It comes from having a sense of purpose. It comes from treating others well. It comes from learning from the mistakes that all human beings make and moving on.

When I was younger and had no idea what I really wanted, I went for the assholes and consistently got hurt. When I encountered truly nice guys who wanted a relationship for the "right" reasons, I lost interest quickly. Maturity brought me to the conclusion that success can be achieved in many different domains.

Misogyny and bitterness in any form may be attractive to a woman with low self-esteem or a relationship history that includes abuse, exploitation or neglect. There's one simple reason for that: misery loves company. When an "asshole" hooks up with a "needy type", both get to keep that part of their identity, but what they lose is the ability to grow together in any way.

I'll take the shy guy enjoying a good book at a coffeehouse who I may have to initiate a conversation with, but who will provide me with intellectual stimulation, over some blowhard at a bar who thinks drinks and money will impress me (or get me into bed).

Being an asshole might get you laid, but it stops you from being loved.

See www.tuckermax.com (work warning as to content) for some prime examples. His law degree, affluent family, set of friends who go out and get ridiculously tanked with him and enable him to act like an ass only inspire him to do it even more. I read his book on a flight back from the east coast a few weeks ago, and although his exploits are probably exaggerated, he acts like a flagrant jerk to women so he can hurt THEM before they hurt HIM. His "ego" (using the term loosely) is really a protective mechanism. "You can't exploit me because I'll exploit you first" is the hallmark of a lonely man who desperately needs love, but is not capable of giving or receiving it for whatever reason.

The women Tucker wants are the ones who are truly smart - who see through bullshit. Yet the ones he attracts are just as bad as he is. Superficial people attract superficial people. Assholes attract victims. Sounds perfect from a logical perspective, doesn't it? But if you've read his book, you realize that with that dynamic, everyone ends up covered in shit, and I do mean that literally. He's a great case study in why assholes end up the loneliest ones of all.

Exarkann, you don't need girls in order to feel good about yourself. You seem like a nice guy with a lot to offer - you don't have to develop an ego problem in order to attract what you want. It's so hard to accept that the guy next to you who's buying rounds of drinks, bragging, and being a global fucktard is more likely to get laid than the nice guy who's keeping to himself and trying to get up the nerve to talk to someone he finds attractive, but the asshole is more likely to end up with an STD and a negative balance in his bank account, and while the nice guy may end up going home alone that night, at least he isn't engaging in the mutually exploitative dynamic I've addressed in this post.

A guy with a big heart will win; a guy with a big mouth will lose. It's not obvious in the short term, but when that genuine guy meets that genuine girl, the assholes are the ones left lonely. THAT, to me, is justice.
 
Take that advice as you will but I'll offer a different perspective on it. Woman, at least in my experience, don't want to be treated horribly. That said, what they do want is a confident partner who can remain aloof. Not asshole, aloof. If you are constantly crawling up the target of your affections ass she isn't going to respect you. And why should she? Because you are nice? When does that work in any other situation? If you seem too need, too clingy, or any other 'too,' especially early in the relationship where are you going to be six months down the line? No one wants to deal with that, I promise.

You might not need girls to feel good about yourself but attention from the opposite sex sure does help doesn't it? But I will agree with Mariposa that you don't need to develop an ego problem however, confidence is often seen as an ego problem. If you have trouble talking to women you should be asking yourself why. Really, women and men are generally after the same things in both the long term and the short term, most of us just generally want to be happy and get laid on a regular basis. :)

You can be a nice guy and be confident but you can't be a nice guy with no confidence and have a reasonable expectation of being a playboy. Charge yourself to get out and talk to people. I'd be willing to bet that many happy couples in here remain somewhat aloof of each other. You have to have your own friends and your own thing or you'll end up driving each other nuts. And that aloofness shows as soon as you open your mouth.
 
Instead of analysing and worrying about all this kinda stuff and getting uptight about what we need to do to attract the opposite sex, why don't we all just decide to chillout and be ourselves?
 
Infernal said:
You can be a nice guy and be confident but you can't be a nice guy with no confidence and have a reasonable expectation of being a playboy. Charge yourself to get out and talk to people. I'd be willing to bet that many happy couples in here remain somewhat aloof of each other. You have to have your own friends and your own thing or you'll end up driving each other nuts. And that aloofness shows as soon as you open your mouth.

I believe your definition of "aloofness" is different from mine. Having different interests and hobbies from my partner does not make me "aloof" from him. It just means we each do our own thing sometimes. That's healthy. Although our interests are not identical, we've been able to hang out with and even in part combine the two sets of friends we had before we met. I consider that extremely healthy. Certainly we each have our own lives. We like it that way. No one feels stifled; no one feels rejected. We include each other in each other's lives and balance that with having separate interests. We each have a lot of great people in our lives, so we interact with them together and separately as appropriate.

Are you perhaps confusing "aloofness" with "independence"?

I've also never seen true confidence interpreted as an ego problem, but I have seen faux confidence as a strong indicator of a deep level of insecurity. Again, Tucker Max and the like.

Beamers, I'm sure I don't need to point out that there are plenty of "obsessed" men. A hypothetical flipside: no woman wants to hear about how you're still hung up on the girl who rejected you in favor of someone else. The women who "gave it up for assholes" weren't doing it as a "rite of passage". There is no ritual behind making flawed decisions when you're young, and that goes for all genders.

Assholes don't love back because they can't. The simple-minded find it easier to "win" by "achieving" the "accomplishment" of getting a woman into bed. The guys that are worth it are more interested in finding a compatible partner than getting ass. And if all I wanted out of a relationship was simple happiness and regular sex, I'd get myself a golden retriever for the former and a dildo for the latter. The totality of the experience of falling in love with another human being is what makes relationships worth it even if you have to put up with a slew of rubbish in order to arrive at that conclusion - as I have.
 
I always thought exarkaan was kind of hot, actually. I'm surprised he thinks he has trouble getting girls.

Maybe the biggest obstacles are the ones we set up for ourselves?
 
milhouse_ptfc said:
Instead of analysing and worrying about all this kinda stuff and getting uptight about what we need to do to attract the opposite sex, why don't we all just decide to chillout and be ourselves?

Because sometimes being yourself isn't good enough to get your foot in the door.
 
Beatlebot said:
I always thought exarkaan was kind of hot, actually. I'm surprised he thinks he has trouble getting girls.

Maybe the biggest obstacles are the ones we set up for ourselves?

Big thumbs up for this one. Nearly everyone has self image issues. Often times we fail to see ourselves as others see us. I've known countless gorgeous girl's who think they're plain. Then again sometimes I think I'm ugly, but we all have our dark days. How you see the world is very much an offshoot of how you see yourself. If you feel like shit you aren't going to be feeling very confident. In the end we're all very much at the mercy of our minds.
 
wizekrak said:
Because sometimes being yourself isn't good enough to get your foot in the door.

Well if I'm going to get my foot in the door, then I'm going to do it by being myself, not by acting like something I'm not. What use would that be? That would just require unnecessary effort and anxiety.
 
Beatlebot said:
I always thought exarkaan was kind of hot, actually. I'm surprised he thinks he has trouble getting girls.

Maybe the biggest obstacles are the ones we set up for ourselves?

thank you...

its not that i think i have trouble, i do have trouble.

my handful of past relationships have always been ended at the girl's whim, and i didnt "land" them, they more or less picked me. then used me till i ran out of money, then left me via phone call, note, friend, or just stopped talking to me altogether.

all the other girls i have had hookups with never gave me the time of day later. i know for a fact that one did it just to see if i was gay or not.

the only reason my current relationship has lasted as long as it has is because she is just as insecure and socially inept as i am, but that is beginning to cause all sorts of problems as it is becoming one big self feeding ball of depression and negitivity.

you girls are scary. i know that being confident is whet you all want, but i cant maintain that for very long, as i have few things to draw confidence from, and i have no clue how to tell myself that i dont need female attention to be happy.
 
Beatlebot said:
I always thought exarkaan was kind of hot, actually. I'm surprised he thinks he has trouble getting girls.

Maybe the biggest obstacles are the ones we set up for ourselves?

Spot the fuck on.

Exarkann, I only met you briefly in a situation in which everyone was less than at full mental capacity ;), so I didn't get to know you other than an introduction, but if you believe you're worth getting to know (which I get the impression you are) - then get to know someone you believe is also worth getting to know. Without prying, though, I thought you were involved with someone. If you don't mind my asking, has that changed?
 
Formico, how interesting that you post this idea. If I may ask, where did you come up with it? Did you hear or read something that led you to think of it?

I am curious because what you posted is very similar to my own understanding of what criteria women use to judge potential mates. I used to be quite perplexed by women's attitudes and preferences towards men. But after reading about biology and evolution I immediately understood it perfectly, and went from being completely unable to make predictions (the sign that you understand a phenomenon) about women's attitudes towards men, to making predictions with about a 80-90% accuracy.

Formico, I agree with your conclusion but I disagree with how you explain it. The scenario you postulated could have led to women preferring men who ignore them, but more likely it would have led to men being more aware of their surroundings (i.e. any signs of approaching predators) and quickly prioritizing, placing safety at a premium.

But I agree with you that women like men who ignore them, belittle them, and act like they are more important than they are. And you are absolutely correct that millions of years of evolutionary programming has a much bigger influence on our behavior than the recent development we call reason.

The reason for women's sexual preferences is social hierarchies. Biologists have discovered that all animals form social hierarchies. I've met many people who mistakenly believe only humans have class and live violent, brutal lives. Actually the only reason humans make class and make war is the same reason other animals do, our brains are programmed to carry out certain behaviors, exactly the same way a computer gets programmed to do something, and the computer has no choice. If you don't believe me try not eating or not fucking or not talking. It can be done but your body will punish you, because evolution has determined that a monkey body machine that does these things has the best chance of having offspring and passing on the genes inside it.

Another thing that maximizes the chance of passing on your genes is being high on the social hierarchy. So we animals evolved to be very sensitive and aware of social class, and fixated on trying to maximize our position in it. The best way for males to do this is to be good at various tasks like fighting, hunting, avoiding predators, organizing fellow members of his social group, and many other things that vary with species and, in humans, with culture. The best way for females to do this is to attach themselves to high-ranking males using sex. This is why most men's hobbies are simulated fighting, in the form of tv, movies, video games, sports, etc. and most women's hobby is making themselves prettier according to the cultural mores of their particular time and place. Men's interests evolved because they make men better at fighting and therefore better able to place themselves high on the social hierarchy (according to the way evolution has wired your brain, which has yet to take into account recent developments such as politeness and not bashing in your neighbor's skull with a rock so you can rape his wife), and women's interests evolved because they make women more sexually attractive (supposedly, I personally think girls tend to be prettier right after waking up than after 4 hours of grooming) and therefore better able to place themselves high on the social hierarchy.

So, a woman isn't going to be interested in a man unless she believes that he is better than her / more important than her / higher on the social hierarchy than her, because to a creature whose only tool for getting higher on the hierarchy is her sexual allure, it would be evolutionary suicide to waste that on a guy who is anything less. This is why girls are so judgemental and appraising when they talk to me, either making it clear they hold me in contempt (if they don't desire sex with me), or making it clear i should hold them in contempt (if they do). It's kind of ridiculous. My own take on this is quite different from yours, Formico, even though we are in basic agreement about what's happening. Although I respect the power of our evolutionary programming over our behavior and our understanding of reality, I do believe with the development of the frontal cortex and language, we have the free will necessary to overcome the programming in our lower mammalian and reptilian brains. I'm not really interested in playing power games and having to pretend to be so cool. I'm sick of trying to figure out every facet of every mediocre girl's mind just so I can make fun of her and belittle her in the right way to make her think I'm better than her and therefore a desirable mate. Who wants a girl you have to constantly be putting down, not me. I want mutual love and respect and someone with intelligence and a will of her own, who thinks her ideas are worthy of attention and cogitation, and who is justified in this opinion. I guess we'll see if I can ever meet a girl like this...

There's a lot more to this but this post is long enough. This is all biological evolution stuff, there's also how society teaches people from birth to be submissive to authority, and how people identify submission with the receiving role in sex.

(after reading the thread) Formico, I hope you don't feel bad about all the value-driven replies you received. Very few people understand evolution and the enormous extent to which it explains ourselves and the world around us. Even people who say they understand and agree with evolution. I didn't, even though I said that, until I read a couple books by Richard Dawkins. Thinking is good. You don't do it too much, we all do it not enough!
 
Last edited:
I've observed male friends being led around by the nose by women who were clearly using them for validation; acting like they're into them one minute, pulling away the next, ignoring them when they're out with friends then having one hour deep and meaningful phone conversations etc .. basically messing with the guy's head which seems to make him even more crazy for her. I've seen the same thing with female friends, it's quite cringe worthy to watch and I've lost respect for those friends at least momentarily.

I think for human beings, the biggest attraction is being unattainable. Also, when someone is constantly complimenting you, looking at you, following you around, agreeing with you, there's nothing worse, it actually makes me feel the person isn't being sincere and makes me wonder what they're hiding and whether they have an agenda.

I think as people get older and start to realise what's important in life, they start to look at characteristics like kindness, loyalty etc but until then, people who either aren't available, or make themselves unavailable, are what you want, simply because you can't have them.

Messed up much?!
 
ByronStar said:
I've observed male friends being led around by the nose by women who were clearly using them for validation; acting like they're into them one minute, pulling away the next, ignoring them when they're out with friends then having one hour deep and meaningful phone conversations etc .. basically messing with the guy's head which seems to make him even more crazy for her. I've seen the same thing with female friends, it's quite cringe worthy to watch and I've lost respect for those friends at least momentarily.


that has happened to me more times than i care to number...
 
Amebix said:
I dont think the nice guy who starts acting like an asshole, for whatever reason, was ever a nice guy to begin with. Are they nice because its in their character, or are they nice because it serves their purposes?

i would think they're nice because its in their character..
but would step up to become more attractive?
how would kindness serve their purposes? kindness only gets you so far.
 
You are missing the point though.

mariposa said:
I'll take the shy guy enjoying a good book at a coffeehouse who I may have to initiate a conversation with, but who will provide me with intellectual stimulation, over some blowhard at a bar who thinks drinks and money will impress me (or get me into bed).

Being an asshole might get you laid, but it stops you from being loved.

The fact is that the "nice guy" in your statement will get looked at secondly to the asshole. You only prefer the "nice guy" you talked about because of rationality. Attraction is "IRRATIONAL". It doesn't fit into our normal thinking cause it's irrational. If people were rational when it comes to attraction, then this debate wouldn't even be going on. Women prefer alpha males, in the general sense, that's just how our genes are wired. To say otherwise is to ignore evolutionary issues. I know, that, what women REALLY want, is a guy that will be a good provider, but from an evolutionally standpoint, the genes are looking for an alpha male. It sucks, but that's how it is.


People are looking for a rational complaint. Attraction is NOT rational, that's the entire point.
 
^ Well that all depends on what "attraction" is to you.

My boyfriend instantly attracted me. Why? Because he was completely genuine from the word go. No games, no alpha male act. Nothing. Just his genuine confident self. And his confidence comes from knowing his a good guy. A lot of guys i just don't think find confidence in being themselves so therefor play the asshole game. Instead of doing that, why not try working on your confidence, in yourself. Because that IS what attracts girls.

Asshole reeks of insecurity to me.

I used to be naive and not pick up on things like that. Mistaking arrogance for confidence. However once you grow up and learn better, the difference is actually quiet obviouse.
 
Top