I know this.
Sorry to hear you are going through, what sounds like, an immensely, difficult experience CTC.
How about getting angry...why neglect anger when it seems like a very adequate response to a shitty situation?
Surviving is not just about being perfect and happy and pleasant (despite common stereotypes) sometimes there is a pressing desire; a necessity to accept the dark side of yourself - this makes you whole; despite common misconception - I know it's not easy and you can't 'see' a solution at the moment - being stuck in hopelessness is the most horrible experience, however, to transition takes getting through and accepting the nightmare in order to transcend it; easier said than done but it CAN be done despite your disbelief in yourself.
Be kind to yourself.

Be pissed off at the fact that you feel hopeless and probably for good reason but understand that hopelessness sparks a solution out of it and destroying yourself is just pointless - more pointless, than hopelessness (life is short anyway) You obviously have things to contribute (judging by how you articulated your OP)but just don't understand that/can't atm. Why would you want to do that when there is so much of yourself that you haven't even accepted yet? Why would you not want to challenge yourself; when you are being so cruel to yourself?