Why Suicide Could Be the Answer

[closeau]

CoastTwoCoast, holy shit!!! I knew this was gonna happen bc of those kids. What are they staying for the year? I woulda done the same thing, don't feel bad. That's your house and people have invaded it. You shouldn't have to stay in your room. That shit ain't good for your head. Idk. Maybe they'll be gone soon. Parents gotta come back sometime. Their taking their fucking time though eh? Probably don't want to come home to those kids. Makes me feel lucky I got good kids. Yes, your shrink would probably blame guilt for and ills you may have. That's what they do. I hate your in this situation. I don't know you but when someone posts in thread like this I try to get to know them. Just bc I'm the same as you. Different lives, different diagnosis, yet the same with that chip we have in your head that tells us suicide is the answer. I'm about to go to Wyoming to live with my kids and I'll be happier than ever. But when I'm alone I'll have that chip go off and I'll sit in my place and play the pros and cons game for killing myself. I really hope I'm wrong but I'm not. No medicine or therapy can remove that chip. It's sad but it's my life. As long as I keep telling it no and talk to folks like you I'll live. I wanna see my mom in heaven but not by my own hand. Well, I really hop this shits resolved for you soon. If you got to jut stay in your room. I don't want those kids or granny putting you back. As always PM me if you wanna talk or just post. I wish you the best, really. You're doing good so keep it up. Take care!!

 

[Ghetto Diva]

Sorry for jumping into this convo..I've been a lurker for 3 years and today finally joined. I live in pain basically everyday of my life. Physical and mental. My kids who are in their early 20's have watched me go from a vibrant, bigger than life personality to just a shell of my old shelf in the last 2 years. I want them to be able to live their lives and be free, not worrying about me. I'd rather have them grieve for a little while than to watch me rot away everyday. There are times that suicide is the answer..not just for terminal people but for people who are truly a burden as myself is to my family

 

[Anxious.Individual]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't these types of threads against the rules?

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

CoastTwoCoast, holy shit!!! I knew this was gonna happen bc of those kids. What are they staying for the year? I woulda done the same thing, don't feel bad. That's your house and people have invaded it. You shouldn't have to stay in your room. That shit ain't good for your head. Idk. Maybe they'll be gone soon. Parents gotta come back sometime. Their taking their fucking time though eh? Probably don't want to come home to those kids. Makes me feel lucky I got good kids. Yes, your shrink would probably blame guilt for and ills you may have. That's what they do. I hate your in this situation. I don't know you but when someone posts in thread like this I try to get to know them. Just bc I'm the same as you. Different lives, different diagnosis, yet the same with that chip we have in your head that tells us suicide is the answer. I'm about to go to Wyoming to live with my kids and I'll be happier than ever. But when I'm alone I'll have that chip go off and I'll sit in my place and play the pros and cons game for killing myself. I really hope I'm wrong but I'm not. No medicine or therapy can remove that chip. It's sad but it's my life. As long as I keep telling it no and talk to folks like you I'll live. I wanna see my mom in heaven but not by my own hand. Well, I really hop this shits resolved for you soon. If you got to jut stay in your room. I don't want those kids or granny putting you back. As always PM me if you wanna talk or just post. I wish you the best, really. You're doing good so keep it up. Take care!!

I feel the most intense shame and guilt. It also looks like they won't be going home for the summer. Stupid reasons. I'm not good with change and I really didn't expect them to come over here and live essentially. I have to apologize to my grandmother because even though she pissed me off, we have to live in this house and I just feel bad for how things went. Ugh. I wish I was the one who could move out. All of a sudden 2 girls are practically living here and every one else is acting like it's just fine. No problem. HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THAT?! I'm the one who looks like the asshole always. No matter what.

At least you're moving to Wyoming to be with your kids! This could be exactly what you need to stop thinking dark thoughts. You have good things coming and I'm happy for you. They'll be happy to see you and this could turn your life around.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Sorry for jumping into this convo..I've been a lurker for 3 years and today finally joined. I live in pain basically everyday of my life. Physical and mental. My kids who are in their early 20's have watched me go from a vibrant, bigger than life personality to just a shell of my old shelf in the last 2 years. I want them to be able to live their lives and be free, not worrying about me. I'd rather have them grieve for a little while than to watch me rot away everyday. There are times that suicide is the answer..not just for terminal people but for people who are truly a burden as myself is to my family

Don't say sorry. Every one is welcome here. I think this is a great thread for those of us to vent and give support. I'm willing to bet you're not a burden and you are loved more than you could even imagine. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Your kids need you, trust me.

 

[closeau]

Yeah, you're not a burden. Don't think those thoughts, ok? You're still a human being and you deserve respect so respect yourself. I know it's very hard when pain has swallowed you hole and it seems like there's no reason to live but there is. It's your job to find that purpose. Work with animals or something. Don't give up, ok?

CoastTwoCoast, sounds like you were retry hard on yourself. Can't believe all summer? Dam. You could move out. Why not? That's what I would do I think. Thanks for your kind words on Wyoming. I expect it to change my life. That's why I'm going. I'm really excited. Long drive. I'm in NC right now so almost across the country but ityll be worth it. That chip I talked about needs t go away. I'm sick f always wondering is this the night? There like little waves that come at me. I'm 41 yrs old and I feel so much older!! Time to rejuvenate. Please take me up on PM if you want or this is fine too. I just feel curious about you. You seem so cool. Why would you ever want to do suicide? Hold your head high and demand the respect you deserve. Keep posting. Summer almost over and kids will be gone. Hang tough

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

"It comes in waves" is a great way to describe it. That chip you speak of just nags and nags at you. Living feels like something I don't want to do anymore. Maybe I don't know how anymore. Everything is scary all the time it seems. Constant anxiety and the darkest thoughts.

It's definitely not your time to go. I know what it's like to feel old, but you're not and your kids need you! I'm excited for the new chapter in your life you're about to have with them. I've been too stagnant. I don't want to keep bumping this thread with my B.S., but you can PM me too if you like and thank you for your kindness. ?

 

[Asclepius]

When you have nothing left and no friends. When you have no goals, dreams or hopes. When you don't believe in love anymore. What's the point? Music has kept me going, but sometimes that's not even enough. I think you get to a point when you know it's over for you. When everything inside is dead. I have fought for my life and my mental health. I am in hell right now. I can't sleep at night and then another day starts and I'm in misery all over again. I know the only way to get through this is to make myself work out and try harder, but I'm TIRED!!! The effort isn't worth it. I don't want anything from this world. I am just a ghost going through the motions. I might as well be dead anyway.

So sad to think how I used to be full of life and a hopeless romantic. Life chewed me up and spit me out. I will never be the cheerful, outgoing, beautiful girl I felt like before. I've become jaded and cold. I am isolated. People can come up with suggestions for me, but right now, I'm throwing my hands in the air. I am giving up. Maybe I'll feel better later, but I doubt it. My birthday is coming next month and that's always the worst time. I spend the day and week leading up to it feeling like a complete loser. Another year older and nothing to show for it. One day I will end this. I've been here long enough and it's not worth it anymore.

I think suicide is the answer when you know your quality of life doesn't meet up to your expectations. There is only suffering and when I try, I fail again. Enough is enough. Sorry, just venting.

I know this.

Sorry to hear you are going through, what sounds like, an immensely, difficult experience CTC.

How about getting angry...why neglect anger when it seems like a very adequate response to a shitty situation?

Surviving is not just about being perfect and happy and pleasant (despite common stereotypes) sometimes there is a pressing desire; a necessity to accept the dark side of yourself - this makes you whole; despite common misconception - I know it's not easy and you can't 'see' a solution at the moment - being stuck in hopelessness is the most horrible experience, however, to transition takes getting through and accepting the nightmare in order to transcend it; easier said than done but it CAN be done despite your disbelief in yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
Be pissed off at the fact that you feel hopeless and probably for good reason but understand that hopelessness sparks a solution out of it and destroying yourself is just pointless - more pointless, than hopelessness (life is short anyway) You obviously have things to contribute (judging by how you articulated your OP)but just don't understand that/can't atm. Why would you want to do that when there is so much of yourself that you haven't even accepted yet? Why would you not want to challenge yourself; when you are being so cruel to yourself?

 

[Moreaux]

Sorry for jumping into this convo..I've been a lurker for 3 years and today finally joined. I live in pain basically everyday of my life. Physical and mental. My kids who are in their early 20's have watched me go from a vibrant, bigger than life personality to just a shell of my old shelf in the last 2 years. I want them to be able to live their lives and be free, not worrying about me. I'd rather have them grieve for a little while than to watch me rot away everyday. There are times that suicide is the answer..not just for terminal people but for people who are truly a burden as myself is to my family

Ghetto Diva - what's happened in the last two years to have you feeling this way? How are you a burden to your family?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't these types of threads against the rules?

No - these threads are perfectly fine in the Dark Side. Life is not always easy and it's nice to have a place where we can openly express ourselves without having to sugar coat it and make it pleseant for everyone.

I feel the most intense shame and guilt. It also looks like they won't be going home for the summer. Stupid reasons. I'm not good with change and I really didn't expect them to come over here and live essentially. I have to apologize to my grandmother because even though she pissed me off, we have to live in this house and I just feel bad for how things went. Ugh. I wish I was the one who could move out. All of a sudden 2 girls are practically living here and every one else is acting like it's just fine. No problem. HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THAT?! I'm the one who looks like the asshole always. No matter what.

At least you're moving to Wyoming to be with your kids! This could be exactly what you need to stop thinking dark thoughts. You have good things coming and I'm happy for you. They'll be happy to see you and this could turn your life around.

Do not feel shame or guilt - your family is not being considerate of your needs. Is there anyway to move out? If I were in your situation and had no money or no way to work I would try to get into a work as you live long term treatment facility, and then transfer to a sober living house once I got out.

There are "free" two year programs that help you get sober and allow you to eventually work on site for room, board, and treatment. A long term program would help you learn to deal with you anxiety without benzos and also give you a safe place to go through benzo withdrawal and PAWS. You could also get valid pain management, and work on your mental health with therapy and medication. It takes time to find a good psych med combo and you would be in a safe environment while you do so and would also be learning alternate coping mechanisms.

Once you complete the program you can go to a sober living house where they get you a job and you pay $400 a $450 a month and save the rest for a place of your own, you can even go to school and work towards a career. It would be a valid way to get back on your feet.

I feel so frustrated for you with your current situation - how absolutely horrible. My heart does out to you.

I know this.

Sorry to hear you are going through, what sounds like, an immensely, difficult experience CTC.

How about getting angry...why neglect anger when it seems like a very adequate response to a shitty situation?

Surviving is not just about being perfect and happy and pleasant (despite common stereotypes) sometimes there is a pressing desire; a necessity to accept the dark side of yourself - this makes you whole; despite common misconception - I know it's not easy and you can't 'see' a solution at the moment - being stuck in hopelessness is the most horrible experience, however, to transition takes getting through and accepting the nightmare in order to transcend it; easier said than done but it CAN be done despite your disbelief in yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
Be pissed off at the fact that you feel hopeless and probably for good reason but understand that hopelessness sparks a solution out of it and destroying yourself is just pointless - more pointless, than hopelessness (life is short anyway) You obviously have things to contribute (judging by how you articulated your OP)but just don't understand that/can't atm. Why would you want to do that when there is so much of yourself that you haven't even accepted yet? Why would you not want to challenge yourself; when you are being so cruel to yourself?

Very insightful. Life is not perfect, for any one. There is a beauty in being able to live in the moment and accept raw emotions such as anger and sadness, and keep them in perspective. The human experience encompasses all emotion, we should be allowed to embrace the negative ones as well as the positive. Denying ourselves the negative aspects of life and not acknowledging them eventually makes us very sick and at some point we must confront the pain - unfortunately it does not go away on its own. It's better to confront it as it happens than all at once later on after its had time to fester. Negative emotions can also be very motivating to make major life changes which can afford us more consistently positive experiences in the future.

 

[Erikmen]

There is a wise saying I have once read and never forgot.
It tells us we don't ever get more than what we can carry.
The words are much more meaningful but it all comes to that.

If we had the power to ask to the universe to let us choose any other weight except for ours,
it says we would eventually choose the 'easiest' one to carry, which would be the weight we have been given originally.
That's how the tail is all about.

I would be redundant if I'd say anything else because it's all been carefully written in all the posts I've read.
In the long term this will be something you'll remember but also something that you'll know you could handle.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

No offense but I don't believe for a moment that's a wise saying. You're telling me a starving child or one being beaten and tortured to death by it's parents isn't getting more than it can carry? I think rather it's a very ugly and dishonest saying. It takes people in overwhelming situations and guilt trips them into feeling like losers.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

That used to be very comforting to me when I would think "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I just laugh when I think about it now. Even since starting this thread, I feel like things have gotten worst and I've become more of someone I can't stand. I do tend to ignore the rare good days, but it's still just not enough to make up for the bullshit. I need to get back in therapy. I became discouraged when they started charging and instead of having the same day of the week and time, now I can only get whatever slot is available. That is so disheartening, discouraging, whatever the word is. So when circumstances changed for therapy and add family drama, etc. all of this has been spiraling out of my control. Insurance companies are making it harder for people with mental issues. It's tough to make changes. Who wants to suddenly look for another place to see a therapist and psychiatrist? Everything takes just too much energy. My family are assholes. At least my therapist helped to point that out. And thankfully you guys have helped as much as you can. Thank you.

I feel guilty for staying in this negative energy this long. I truly do believe something must be trying to kill me. One thing is for sure, there's a psychiatrist appointment at the end of the month and I have to go or I think she'll be done with me. I already feel hopeless enough.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Feeling guilty is pretty natural considering all the bullshit lies that gets laid on us by society/culture which includes sometimes well meaning friends and family who are dealing with their own fears of death and laying their unconscious fear trips on us. I'm lucky now as my remaining family has seen enough suffering themselves that they are behind me in whatever choices I make. I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that you have nothing EVER to feel guilty for in reality. You never asked for this or even to be born. I never get tired of repeating this friend.

And yes IMO something is trying to kill you. Life is trying to kill us all. It's part of the nasty work of creation. We are born to break down and die. The goal of life seems to allow us time to pass on our seed and then we are no longer of use and so have to make way for another generation of unconscious sufferers. Personally I've come to see our dissolution as a friend and blessing and I'll be truly glad when my sentence is up and I'm done with this nonsense. So friend I hear you and I do understand the overwhelming misery that life can dish out to us. For me suicide will be the answer at some point when my pain and suffering and yes boredom overcomes my natural ingrained fears of death.

I truly wish you all the best and know that whatever you choose for yourself is your right and no one else can ever fully understand what it's like to be in your shoes or mine. So please disregard anyone who thinks they know better than you do on what and how to lead your life. Frankly I believe that suicide is one of the only real freedoms we have in this world and in other historical periods it was considered and honorable thing. Think Ancient Greece and the stoics and many others. Seems we are back in the dark ages on this due to bullshit religion. I never recommend suicide for anyone but myself due to the fallout from others who are terrified of it but I certainly think it's an honorable choice for anyone else. The very best of luck to you. End rant.

 

[closeau]

Good post Cosmis Trigger

 

[Ziiirp]

Everytime I cannot sleep because of depressing thoughts or anxiety I sit in front of a wall in a certain position (there are many criteria to consider in order to stay in the individually best possbile posture, which is imitating an established blueprint), that demands all my focus to be realized. When I let destructive thoughts rise up from the subconsciousness I lose the exclusive focus on my body tension (and breath, if one cannot sit but only lay down, then the focus on breath becomes more important), which will result in a sloppy position. By readjusting the body, the thought clouds are pushed back into the subconsciousness. With increasing duration, the pain on critical spots seems to increase, when it is actually just the mental awareness of the physis, that increases. The brain signalizes via the pain, that I must move around, because it has nothing to do, when I am so static and focusing on it. After a while I wish I had some thought to focus on, instead of the body, because the pain gets really unbearable. Any thought is welcome, even most depressing ones, anything is better than this pain. The pain gets ultra intense until there is some sought of tensional climax, that reveals itself as a minor body quiver, after which the pain is lessened. Now there is a period of blissful emptyness, where neither physical pain nor thoughts are perceived, just the moment. This period is usually short and the pain starts to increase again. It is a loop.

The distinction between static brain, mind and the "I" (the brain contains the mind, which contains the I, it is all physical) is IMHO that the static brain is just the neuronal web, that receives signals from the body and triggers the mind, which is a collection of algorithms to orchestrate and process the signals into (comparing the set of signals with stuff in memory and fire associations) thoughts and the "I" is just the result of a given and trained final reflection algorithm (comparing with already stored reflection results in memory), that triggers a set of emotions (i.e. feedback to the body), depending on the results of the reflection. The trick in the above exercise is basically to regularly take away focus from the final reflection procedure (or already before during mind processes) in order to let the "I" starve to death. That is IMHO how ego death works in the most basic form.

After the sit, the thoughts are in the background, the mind is quite instead of switching around and let the "I" reflect on every silly thought bubble (that cause emotional terror).

The ego then needs a bit of time to come back in full force again. :D

 

[closeau]

Sounds like vipasssnna meditation. I once "sat through" a posture or pain. The pain was really intense in my knee and I wanted to move so bad but realized it was my chance to sit thru it so I did. Feeling the pain disperse was amazing that it was my mind making the pain so intense. There was a blissful few moments before they were gone as well. Impermanence. Anyway, I may be way off but this is what I thought of when I read your post

 

[CoatHangerAbortion]

Suicide probably is the answer for me. We need people like Dr. Jack Kevorkian for people who are sick of life and know they have nothing to offer the world. The government has kicked me down and I can't rise above it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Depression do suck I just lost the only person I had So now I'm alone and isolated again. I should have known things were starting to look up(got on methadone,started going to meetings) then BAM! I'm alone again. It's getting tiring I have no family. Very few friends(none in my city)
No matter the good I do it seems my life was just ment to be horriable. Being happy was never in the cards
I'm dying a slow and painful death alone and I'm starting to think too much of just stopping it.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Here's my song these days. For me there is hope in nonexistence.

 

[closeau]

Cosmic Trigger, what can I say? That was very unique. I love music and have a strange fascination with suicide so I liked it. I always like your posts. This one takes the cake.