Why is this such a big deal?

[kytnism]

being able to give insight into the ops S/O's behavior does not suggest that i agree with nor condone it any way.

doubleewe: absolutely terrible. i agree wholeheartedly.

...kytnism...

 

[munki]

QuasiModo- Your girlfriend will get over it. I remember years ago with an ex of mine I caught him masturbating to some porno mag. At the time I was totally appalled, and felt completely undesirable to him that he would choose masturbation over having sex with me. Over time I came to realize that it didn't mean that at all.

It does seem like an overreaction and extreme insecurity on her part to continually bring up something that obviously was not that big a deal to you. It definitely can be annoying dealing with someone else's insecurities. Just give her lots of assurance and love, compliments on her body, etc. Unfortunately, she is just going to have to come to terms that you, like most hetero guys, enjoy looking at women's bodies. It wouldn't be healthy for you to hide this from her. However, this does show a lack of trust for her to go through your browser history, which is unacceptable IMO. There have been many times when I could have looked through my bf's text messages, emails, browser history, etc. BUT I DON'T. One has to respect a certain modicum of privacy towards one's partner. Snooping violates trust.

 

[double ewe]

However, this does show a lack of trust for her to go through your browser history, which is unacceptable IMO. There have been many times when I could have looked through my bf's text messages, emails, browser history, etc. BUT I DON'T. One has to respect a certain modicum of privacy towards one's partner. Snooping violates trust.

holy shit i totally missed that she had found this through snooping. i thought he had just left it open. that plus the reaction (going on for MULTIPLE DAYS?!?) definitely push this really close to deal-breaker/DTMFA territory.

 

[Wyld 4 X]

Edit: my advice is to start kissing ass immediately. A girl that insecure is never going to accept that your eyes may see other women than her, so standing your ground is a losing battle. Just accept that this is an area where you need to sugar-coat the shit out of things in the name of domestic tranquility.

Disagree. All this will do is reinforce her behavior. She needs to come to terms that guys enjoy looking at erotic and even non-erotic pics of women and they may or may not turn them on. Which, in turn, mean absolutely nothing to their current relationship. The only "ass kissing" he should do is to reassure her about how he feels about her but I dont believe he should be sorry for something as innocent as looking at a breast pic. Will he have to apologize during a movie that shows female nudity? He may love her but at some point this behavior will poison their relationship and it will be time to move on.

 

[Wyld 4 X]

snooping violates trust.

qfmft

 

[BeachBum4u]

Disagree. All this will do is reinforce her behavior. She needs to come to terms that guys enjoy looking at erotic and even non-erotic pics of women and they may or may not turn them on. Which, in turn, mean absolutely nothing to their current relationship. The only "ass kissing" he should do is to reassure her about how he feels about her but I dont believe he should be sorry for something as innocent as looking at a breast pic. Will he have to apologize during a movie that shows female nudity? He may love her but at some point this behavior will poison their relationship and it will be time to move on.

- AGREED!

This is definitely a chink in the armor and little things like this build up over time and before you know it - it's ADIOS amigo! It's all about the trust and believe me when I say this, the whole doubting and checking on you thing will get old REAL FAST. One way or the other, this needs to be nipped in the bud, like NOW! Good Luck dude!

 

[QuasiModo]

Okay, obviously we can conclude that your girlfriend is VERY insecure.
If you don't mind me asking, how old is she? How old are you? How long have you been dating?

She's 18, I'm 20. We've been together for 9 months. Havent got around to reading all the replies but I felt this was pertinent. I'm on an iphone, I'll leave more detailed responses and read the rest of the input when I'm on the lappy. Thanks yall

 

[Oats]

allow me to put this into perspective for you.

if you explored your S/O's browser history and saw semi naked pictures of a man with a better physique than yours, or one where certain parts of him triggered insecurities within you and sparked a question internally if your S/O is seeking more than what you have to offer, would you be affected?

women try so hard to mask their deep emotions, but being the naturally emotional creatures they are; try and internalize their feelings (in fear of seeming irrational to their male counterparts); which in turn builds up, and eventually causes an outburst of expression. due to their embarrassment in being so emotional and candid in the moment, they then tend to retreat and distance themselves from the situation and parties involved to gather their thoughts and regain themselves. nine times out of ten, they are simply grateful that they released everything/the pain they were truly feeling and are content from that point onward to work to move forward with their partner and reestablish balance in the relationship.

give her the time and space she needs to heal, and she should be fine.

good luck

...kytnism...

very well said, and agreed.

 

[rangrz]

The only "ass kissing" he should do is to reassure her about how he feels about her

I kindly disagree, I would add that literal ass kissing might be enjoyable on a physical and/or cognitive sexual basis for her, you, or both of you. =P

As for the snooping. I missed that too. It goes beyond "trust" it shows she disregards his basic human right to privacy and to free of arbitrary search or seizure... Consider this same act, but plug in a different person doing the snooping... a P.i. from your employer doing it? An agent of the State like a LEO doing it?

It then works out to be a blatant and serious infraction of the generally acknowledged rights that a person has simply by being a person. I would seriously question her respect for me on the most basic level if I was in this situation.

 

[quiet roar]

In direct reply to the OP: No, it isn't a big deal, she is just making it so.

Therefore, I agree with the first two responses.

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

she sounds totally unreasonable(which is fair enough - you can't easily control how you feel about things, but you can about how you react), and self conscious as hell(not so fair). I personally would try and work on it for a while, but from my experiences I would consider it to be doomed.

If she is totally relying on you to make her feel sexy, and expecting you not to talk to any other females, look at any other females or even think about any other females on the planet, she is a nervous lost cause imo...you can maybe pick it up later, but I would think it a good idea to break up with her, so she can work on herself away from a relationship, which she obviously can't handle right now.

EDIT: just seen this - in response to Kytnism (babe - if he doesn't stand his ground now, he will just be perpetuating that unhealthy behaviour).

Disagree. All this will do is reinforce her behavior. She needs to come to terms that guys enjoy looking at erotic and even non-erotic pics of women and they may or may not turn them on. Which, in turn, mean absolutely nothing to their current relationship. The only "ass kissing" he should do is to reassure her about how he feels about her but I dont believe he should be sorry for something as innocent as looking at a breast pic. Will he have to apologize during a movie that shows female nudity? He may love her but at some point this behavior will poison their relationship and it will be time to move on.

I totally agree - how is she going to see things how they really should be, which is it's OK for him to be attracted to other people, as long as he remains faithful to whatever commitments they have agreed? She's never gonna learn and change her ways if you just bow down to her.

 

[double ewe]

Disagree. All this will do is reinforce her behavior. She needs to come to terms that guys enjoy looking at erotic and even non-erotic pics of women and they may or may not turn them on. Which, in turn, mean absolutely nothing to their current relationship. The only "ass kissing" he should do is to reassure her about how he feels about her but I dont believe he should be sorry for something as innocent as looking at a breast pic. Will he have to apologize during a movie that shows female nudity? He may love her but at some point this behavior will poison their relationship and it will be time to move on.

i agree that this is the healthy advice for a solid relationship. however, if he intends to stay with a girl this insecure, he needs to accept that her coming to terms with this totally normal and benign behavior is probably not an option. he shouldn't be sorry and has nothing to apologize for, but the odds of her seeing that are slim to none.

unless he's planning to turn their relationship into a full-scale therapy session (or end it), i think the quick fix is the way to go.

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

^ it's only a quick fix til the next time it happens though - that's the point - the quick fix gets you NOWHERE, it's just wastes time.

 

[QuasiModo]

You guys are mean man.. I posted this like directly after she left the room. Our relationship is the shit, I'm so fucking happy with her. If I left her right now I know I would regret it for a long fucking time and there'd never be having any of this again.. Fuck SLR for relationship advice, apparently I'm not supposed to accept any of the bad in a personality with the good? She's jealous, sure. I can be too. Certainly not to the extent she is, but whatever.

Maybe I presented a picture in the OP that was misleading, I could have ended it with something like; despite this I'm happy as fuck with her what can I say/do that will get her to come to terms with my poly amorous inner fantasy demon?

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

Well if you're happy with her then make every effort to make her see how you are and ACCEPT YOU.

Stay with her if that's what you want, but be prepared for a bit of a battle of differences - which is all good - just don't back down, and take a quick fix. As long as you can work out a way to keep her insecurities in check there should be no problems, the only reason I say break up is because she can work on that better AWAY from a man. Not saying she CAN'T do it when she is with you though, but you have to take (co-)dependence into consideration.

Peace

 

[double ewe]

As long as you can work out a way to keep her insecurities in check there should be no problems

and if my aunt had a dick she'd be my uncle.

^ it's only a quick fix til the next time it happens though - that's the point - the quick fix gets you NOWHERE, it's just wastes time.

not if he learns to delete his history.

honestly, i know it's not the most high-minded opinion, but i think this is the kind of thing that one should sometimes hide from their partner. he has a right to do what he did, but it's something that she will likely never be ok with. now they could have a knock-down, drag-out fight over this, him asserting his rights, her falling back on her hurt feelings, and his best case scenario there is that she says "ok, i see your point, you can look if you want." but even that does nothing for her insecurities - so now either she's going to have to hide the fact that it still hurts her, or she's going to get upset with him again, which is an even worse fight because it's something she already told him he was "allowed" to do. i know that's only one hypothetical, but my point is that i really don't see any scenario where he "wins" (i.e. his life and/or relationship benefits) from standing his ground on his right to look at other women's boobs on the internet.

i'm sure this is unpopular with honesty purists and philosophers, but it's the kind of pragmatism that's allowed a lot less-than-perfect relationships to survive.

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

but my point is that i really don't see any scenario where he "wins" (i.e. his life and/or relationship benefits) from standing his ground on his right to look at other women's boobs on the internet.

I can - he does it...they break up and he actually finds someone who accepts him for who he is.

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

he has a right to do what he did, but it's something that she will likely never be ok with.

She's only 18 dude, she has a lot of growing up to do. This is a fairly common problem among inexperienced females. I know my highschool girlfriend hated it when she saw some sites I was visiting, and I was guilty of much more than barely looking at a pair of knockers that just happened to pop up on my screen. Anyway she was pissed at me, we fought, then she became sexier in her behavior and we had a better time together over all. She grew up about it. I cut it out of my life for a few months, and then went back to it, and she had no problems with it and eventually we incorporated some kinkier stuff into the mix and it was happily ever after. Anyway, she told me "no girl would be okay with what you did." Which I took to mean no girl that she talks to regularly, meaning no fellow highschool girls. So I'd say it's a very common problem the OP's got, and it's not a big deal at all in the long run, but that doesn't mean you should discount her feelings. Just wait it out until she grows up about it is all I can really say on the issue.

As far as principles are concerned, why should she be able to tell you that you can't use visual stimuli for masturbation? Does she have a problem with using lubricant also? Who gives a fuck how a person masturbates? Don't let yourself be eroded.

 

[BeachBum4u]

You're young! With time you'll get better at hiding things like this and it won't be a problem. Remember, practice makes perfect! The fact is that you probably won't stop this behavior in the long run. It'll go up and down (pardon the pun!) with time and what's going on in your life but you won't stop (if you really like it, and most men do). It also sounds like she is who she is too. Chalk this up to one of those things you two will disagree on and you'll do what you do, c'est la vie.

 

[i against i]

nice post coffeedrinker.