I'm sorry to not offer any help with this post.
Just letting you know you're not alone. I've been struggling so much lately that suicide has crossed my mind daily since my first post on BL.
On a positive note, daily something happens like my cats will be rub up on me or I'll have a good talk with my mother and I realize it's worth it. It's fucking hard but it's worth it.
Like yourself, I had a minor relapse recently with the percocet I was prescribed post surgery. Prior to surgery, I was as close to "happy" as I could be (I always fake it for people and I can't remember the last time I felt actual joy, I'm not sure I ever will again)and it fucked it all up for me. I feel like I'm starting from 0 again. I feel completely worthless and now that I'm not taking them the sheen has definitely faded from life. A lot of my time is spent talking myself down from a ledge.
I'm super lonely. I used to be the life of the party when I was younger but social anxiety and prison time have whittled my social circle down to damn near nothing. I'm tearing up writing this because I cannot put into words how much I wish someone would just give me a hug or something, show me some warmth.
I have money and people offer me dope on a daily basis walking back to the western blue line from work. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep saying no.
Good luck. I know it's fucked up out there or should I say IN there, referring to the space in your head.