Honestly at 27 years old and too many relapses, failures, pain, hurt, mistakes, terrible actions on my own part...
Do we get what we deserve? Is this just karma?
It feels easier to just die right now it really does than to go on any longer
I don't know.
I sometimes feel like that. Like I must have done something, somehow, to deserve the bad shit that's happened to me in my life.
I can't speak for you, I was suicidal once, had a suicide attempt in early 2011. After that I got a lot better (after being treated at a psych hospital), and while I've been seriously depressed at times since, especially lately, I refuse to consider suicide again.
Not so long as my immediate family, my mom and my brother, are still alive.
I refuse to put them through the pain of my death, one way or another I intend to live so long as one of them is alive. I hope you can find similar things that drive you to keep going.
We will all die eventually, but our futures are unknown until we've lived them. I'd have missed out on sooooo many good things if I'd died 10 years ago when I was 22.
Id have missed being in love with someone for the first (and to date, only) time, while things didn't seem to work out we had a lot of good years together and I still wouldn't trade them for just about anything.
I've met lots of great people in that time. Had lots of positive experiences I would have missed.
Depression poisons everything and blinds you to possible positive futures you might still have. I was completely certain when I tried to kill myself that it could never get any better. But it did, it can. Sure many really bad things also have happened since then. But I still don't wish I'd died 10 years ago.
I don't know your situation, but if you ever want someone to talk too I'm happy to listen.
