Why can't I hookup?

[Foreigner]

I'm mostly interested in hearing from guys who are like this, but anyone can answer if they want. Please just let me know your sex.

In the gay world hookups are common place, it's fairly stereotypical. I'm mostly talking anonymous sex, but it could also be someone you've had a brief date or hangout with. I've had really intimate conversations with guys who hookup regularly to find out what makes them tick. It seems to be:

- looking to objectify a person / have a fantasy, doesn't want much get-to-know-you ruining the fantasy
- thinks of hookups like porn, except it's in person
- mostly wants to be in and out, not much lingering, cuddling, or pillow talk
- high sex drives
- compulsive behavior
- may have repeat hookups with the same person but it still has the same rules

In my 20's I had a massive sex drive that started in my late teens. Insatiable. Yet I could only bring myself to hookup once or twice, and I didn't like it. I didn't like it because I didn't know the person at all. Were they nice? A creep? Hated by a lot of people? Loved? What was their personality like?

For guys that hookup, that shit mostly doesn't matter. It's about whether they find the guy hot or not. When I walk down the street, I can see a guy who I think is hot and I might have a sexy thought or two. I may even imagine myself in a sexual situation with him. But to actually show up at his home, not knowing him, and drop my pants? I dunno.

Why can some people do this and others not?

I've also met guys who were really shy about it at first but their sex drives compelled them to try it, and one day they just got over it.

Me... I find hookup sex kind of dissatisfying the few times I tried it. The guys were hot, but knew nothing about how I liked to be pleasured. The few FWBs I had were better, but....

Anyway, I'm curious to hear people's thoughts on this topic. Does it just come down to wiring? The way we're raised? The power of our sex drives over our morals? Wtf is it?

I almost feel FOMO that I didn't have more sex in my horniest years. On the other hand, I knew I didn't feel comfortable. I got cold feet most of the time and just backed out.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I'm mostly interested in hearing from guys who are like this, but anyone can answer if they want. Please just let me know your sex.

In the gay world hookups are common place, it's fairly stereotypical. I'm mostly talking anonymous sex, but it could also be someone you've had a brief date or hangout with. I've had really intimate conversations with guys who hookup regularly to find out what makes them tick. It seems to be:

- looking to objectify a person / have a fantasy, doesn't want much get-to-know-you ruining the fantasy
- thinks of hookups like porn, except it's in person
- mostly wants to be in and out, not much lingering, cuddling, or pillow talk
- high sex drives
- compulsive behavior
- may have repeat hookups with the same person but it still has the same rules

In my 20's I had a massive sex drive that started in my late teens. Insatiable. Yet I could only bring myself to hookup once or twice, and I didn't like it. I didn't like it because I didn't know the person at all. Were they nice? A creep? Hated by a lot of people? Loved? What was their personality like?

For guys that hookup, that shit mostly doesn't matter. It's about whether they find the guy hot or not. When I walk down the street, I can see a guy who I think is hot and I might have a sexy thought or two. I may even imagine myself in a sexual situation with him. But to actually show up at his home, not knowing him, and drop my pants? I dunno.

Why can some people do this and others not?

I've also met guys who were really shy about it at first but their sex drives compelled them to try it, and one day they just got over it.

Me... I find hookup sex kind of dissatisfying the few times I tried it. The guys were hot, but knew nothing about how I liked to be pleasured. The few FWBs I had were better, but....

Anyway, I'm curious to hear people's thoughts on this topic. Does it just come down to wiring? The way we're raised? The power of our sex drives over our morals? Wtf is it?

I almost feel FOMO that I didn't have more sex in my horniest years. On the other hand, I knew I didn't feel comfortable. I got cold feet most of the time and just backed out.

I am basically this way with men and women. I have hooked up with maybe 8-10 women and men, it was not nearly as satisfying as dating someone or having sex in a relationship.

I may write more later.

 

[Joey]

Im somebody who hooks up a lot. Its a kind of disassociation I guess where Im not really thinking too much about the ins and outs of there being any sort of relationship, because I dont expect it. Its just sex. Its mostly drug fuelled as well, which makes it easier to kind of seperate the reality of being that close with a person from just getting off. Its a dark place to be in to. Just one person after another, after another. Its an addiction in itself.

I find most people that are extremely promiscuous are sex addicts and/or drug addicts, or in some dark place tryng to escape something. Often theyre being taken advantage of, because theyre easy targets for people who predate. Been in some horrible situations myself.

Some just have high sex drives and are otherwise normal people. Nothing to it to add another notch to the bedpost.

 

[atara]

- looking to objectify a person / have a fantasy, doesn't want much get-to-know-you ruining the fantasy
- mostly wants to be in and out, not much lingering, cuddling, or pillow talk

to me this is bad sex but apparently some people like it!
i've had the thought that someone's perceived own vulnerability or reactivity is probably inversely correlated with the tendency to pursue casual sex. i mean i don't think it's a coincidence that i'm a sub and i don't really like the idea of having sex with strangers. if you're talking about "be[ing] pleasured" and not taking pleasure that might be a clue, probably not as extreme a case as me, but somewhere.

 

[ChipTrippyFox]

Straight male here.

I actually resonate a lot with this.

I've "hooked up" only a handful of times because it's just not easy for me to feel super sexual with someone I don't really know. Even if I find them physically attractive.
Even if I do end up having sex with someone; usually the first time I will be unable to cum cause Im just not comfortable releasing that intimate feeling in front (or rather inside ha) of someone I havent felt emotionally safe with yet.

Im a sucker for love.
Somehow I feel like I actually have a strange arousal for genuine emotional connection.
Makes it difficult when sometimes Im just so fucking horny and have no one to express that with..!

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I'm mostly interested in hearing from guys who are like this, but anyone can answer if they want. Please just let me know your sex.

In the gay world hookups are common place, it's fairly stereotypical. I'm mostly talking anonymous sex, but it could also be someone you've had a brief date or hangout with. I've had really intimate conversations with guys who hookup regularly to find out what makes them tick. It seems to be:

- looking to objectify a person / have a fantasy, doesn't want much get-to-know-you ruining the fantasy
- thinks of hookups like porn, except it's in person
- mostly wants to be in and out, not much lingering, cuddling, or pillow talk
- high sex drives
- compulsive behavior
- may have repeat hookups with the same person but it still has the same rules

In my 20's I had a massive sex drive that started in my late teens. Insatiable. Yet I could only bring myself to hookup once or twice, and I didn't like it. I didn't like it because I didn't know the person at all. Were they nice? A creep? Hated by a lot of people? Loved? What was their personality like?

For guys that hookup, that shit mostly doesn't matter. It's about whether they find the guy hot or not. When I walk down the street, I can see a guy who I think is hot and I might have a sexy thought or two. I may even imagine myself in a sexual situation with him. But to actually show up at his home, not knowing him, and drop my pants? I dunno.

Why can some people do this and others not?

I've also met guys who were really shy about it at first but their sex drives compelled them to try it, and one day they just got over it.

Me... I find hookup sex kind of dissatisfying the few times I tried it. The guys were hot, but knew nothing about how I liked to be pleasured. The few FWBs I had were better, but....

Anyway, I'm curious to hear people's thoughts on this topic. Does it just come down to wiring? The way we're raised? The power of our sex drives over our morals? Wtf is it?

I almost feel FOMO that I didn't have more sex in my horniest years. On the other hand, I knew I didn't feel comfortable. I got cold feet most of the time and just backed out.

I know sexually obsessive compulsive men who when they had sex long before HIV or when AIDS was very new, and before the internet with websites and apps they would go to t-rooms/tea rooms, glory holes, or go cotaging in adult bookstores, men's bathrooms, locker rooms, and parks and only suck cock or get sucked by men they were attracted to and who had excellent hygiene. They would do this anywhere from 3-5 times a day with the same or different men.

Other men like this that I know would meet sexual partners in bars, dance clubs, in public areas, saunas/bath houses, gyms, and later the internet and these men are obsessed with anal sex and love to rim or lick a man's asshole, and some did this with 100s of men but they had the other men perform enemas and shower together first.

 

[FnX]

I'm like this, straight male. Sure, hade like, one or two random hook-up experiences but they weren't really satisfying. I want an emotional bond before I can enjoy sex to the fullest and once I'm there, nobody has ever complained that's for sure. Demisexual? I dunno. I still have a crazy sex drive, it's just getting worse and worse and I'm contemplating of trying some random hook-up despite not really knowing how to go about it. The main thing in sex for me is, I want to satisfy my partner and that's where I derive my own satisfaction from. I want to take them to their highest point of xtc and that's what fuels me during the act. Sex is a two-way street, not something you just take from another or give to another. I think I actually feel you, Foreigner, just having a difficulty expressing myself here.

I'm dying here trying to find a connection with all this corona bs etc so I'm looking up ppl on the internet and approaching them through dreams and a more spiritual side, that helps, but I want a wholesome, physical, emotional and spiritual connection in order to feel fulfilled. I've turned down so many girls in the past I'm kind of ashamed these days, but I try to embrace the "regret nothing" view. If I have sex with someone, it almost always means an emotional bond of some depth at least and I think that scares a lot of ppl. Why, though? I think sex shouldn't be just about some carnal pleasure of sorts, but there is always a spiritual aspect present, casual or not.

 

[Pickledlemons]

I completely agree with OP. I'm a straight(mostly) male I hooked up a fair bit in my teens ( maybe 15 times) but to be honest I never really enjoyed it, it was mostly to soothe my ego. Now that I'm a bit older and can be myself more easily I am admit I don't like hookups. To me what makes sex enjoyable is the bond between two people, not so much just the physical sex part. A lot of guys weird me out and make me almost embarrassed to be one of them. I used to hate the term but I definitely know where women are coming from when they say 'toxic masculinity.'

 

[Shelbel69]

Im somebody who hooks up a lot. Its a kind of disassociation I guess where Im not really thinking too much about the ins and outs of there being any sort of relationship, because I dont expect it. Its just sex. Its mostly drug fuelled as well, which makes it easier to kind of seperate the reality of being that close with a person from just getting off. Its a dark place to be in to. Just one person after another, after another. Its an addiction in itself.

I find most people that are extremely promiscuous are sex addicts and/or drug addicts, or in some dark place tryng to escape something. Often theyre being taken advantage of, because theyre easy targets for people who predate. Been in some horrible situations myself.

Some just have high sex drives and are otherwise normal people. Nothing to it to add another notch to the bedpost.

I'm sorry to hear you've been is some horrible situations. I too had a period of time where it was one after the other with whoever and ended up in some terrible conditions.

 

[Shelbel69]

I'm like this, straight male. Sure, hade like, one or two random hook-up experiences but they weren't really satisfying. I want an emotional bond before I can enjoy sex to the fullest and once I'm there, nobody has ever complained that's for sure. Demisexual? I dunno. I still have a crazy sex drive, it's just getting worse and worse and I'm contemplating of trying some random hook-up despite not really knowing how to go about it. The main thing in sex for me is, I want to satisfy my partner and that's where I derive my own satisfaction from. I want to take them to their highest point of xtc and that's what fuels me during the act. Sex is a two-way street, not something you just take from another or give to another. I think I actually feel you, Foreigner, just having a difficulty expressing myself here.

I'm dying here trying to find a connection with all this corona bs etc so I'm looking up ppl on the internet and approaching them through dreams and a more spiritual side, that helps, but I want a wholesome, physical, emotional and spiritual connection in order to feel fulfilled. I've turned down so many girls in the past I'm kind of ashamed these days, but I try to embrace the "regret nothing" view. If I have sex with someone, it almost always means an emotional bond of some depth at least and I think that scares a lot of ppl. Why, though? I think sex shouldn't be just about some carnal pleasure of sorts, but there is always a spiritual aspect present, casual or not.

Omg. Will you marry me?

 

[Zephyn]

I can't even talk to women without stimulants. Phenibut used to cut it, benzos don't make me social so I'm not sure its ALL anxiety. But the side effects of amps (such as friviously spending money online etc) is not worth it. On a little dex-amp I can be quite charming.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I can't even talk to women without stimulants. Phenibut used to cut it, benzos don't make me social so I'm not sure its ALL anxiety. But the side effects of amps (such as friviously spending money online etc) is not worth it. On a little dex-amp I can be quite charming.

I can talk to women without being on dex no problem. But I get the impression I’m more impressive and likeable to them after about 15 mg.

 

[billkankers]

A bit off-topic but in my country (Romania) hookup culture isn't really a thing as most people ( ~80-90% ) are looking to get themselves into formal monogamous relationships. The gay society seems to be more open-minded about casual sex though - this can be easily seen if you are using apps like Grindr - yet still nowhere near Western levels. But in general, it's considered that mostly uneducated/dumb mainstream-type people engage in it (regardless of orientation) and it's been true from my experience (traveled to a few European countries). So if you want to stick to smarter, nicer people, don't do it 'cause they don't hook up.

I'm just extrapolating the mentality I grew up with to other countries and cultures. But I think most people will agree with what I've said. This holds true for both straight & gay people.

 

[Joey]

I can talk to women without being on dex no problem. But I get the impression I’m more impressive and likeable to them after about 15 mg.

If youre amped and horny, thus more on the apps looking around, youre more likely to meet someone right?

 

[Jabberwocky]

If youre amped and horny, thus more on the apps looking around, youre more likely to meet someone right?

Not exactly. I only use Tinder and Bumble when I’m looking to meet someone for serious. I just can’t do a date while I’m on meth. So I don’t use them when I’m on drugs. Until not that long ago if I was totally amped and horny I called in the professionals.

But if I’m clean from meth and go on a proper date I would take 10-145 mg dex just so the best version of my mind is on show.

 

[Sirena Oscura]

All these straight dudes talking about how they want an emotional connection before sex makes me smile and gives me hope.
Hang in there guys x

 

[RevRams*SSC*]

I can talk to women without being on dex no problem. But I get the impression I’m more impressive and likeable to them after about 15 mg.

I’m the same way. I think it has to do with the dex ups brain active and lowers lowers your guards and makes conversations easier. At least in my experience.

 

[RevRams*SSC*]

All these straight dudes talking about how they want an emotional connection before sex makes me smile and gives me hope.
Hang in there guys x

I will tell you it’s definitely different and nice meeting online and getting to know the person for them before you meet them in real life. I think it also has to do with an age thing. In my 20’s and early 30’s it was easier basing a relationship on sex. The older I get the more I realize a partner I click wit is way more needed than just fucking and finding out we don’t work emotionally.

 

[Sirena Oscura]

I will tell you it’s definitely different and nice meeting online and getting to know the person for them before you meet them in real life. I think it also has to do with an age thing. In my 20’s and early 30’s it was easier basing a relationship on sex. The older I get the more I realize a partner I click wit is way more needed than just fucking and finding out we don’t work emotionally.

Don’t get me wrong, dating apps attract the worst kind, but I agree, I’d rather know something about someone before talking to them and getting to know them before meeting them is... well it doesn’t rule out the nasties but... well it still beats walking blindly up to strangers or waiting for them to walk up to you.

 

[RevRams*SSC*]

Don’t get me wrong, dating apps attract the worst kind, but I agree, I’d rather know something about someone before talking to them and getting to know them before meeting them is... well it doesn’t rule out the nasties but... well it still beats walking blindly up to strangers or waiting for them to walk up to you.

I’ve been catfished quite a few times on bumble and especially tinder. I agree you get the worst people on them. Tons of “plastic’s” and full of themselves asshats on there too. I have had success with online dating though.

Still nothing beats the rare occasion you see a person you’ve never seen and say something to make them laugh and start a conversation that leads to more and then a rad relationship!!!!