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Why are women ashamed to admit they're needy?

adder

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 28, 2006
Messages
2,851
Why are a big number of women ashamed to admit that they need men? Instead they act as if it's only men who couldn't live without women and women could do without men. For a man it seems that a woman feels sorry for him and human nature (both genders) doesn't like pity, doing something because of feeling sorry is pointless because nobody's needs for intimacy are met when the other person is intimate not wanting to be intimate. Of course this is acting, but it doesn't feel any less harming than being aware of true pity. Really, it's enough that our culture and society sees man as the one who's supposed to show off his feelings first and the truth is men don't need women any more than women need men. All women believing that men can't live at all without satisfying their needs are wrong. I'd rather live alone even if it meant inner pain for my whole life than being with a woman who doesn't truly love me, I don't want any woman to satisfy my needs if she doesn't need me to satisfy hers. And I do live alone because I got tired of this ridiculous game and I hope there's at least one woman capable of admitting that she loses her mind around me just as I lose my mind around her.

I don't know how it all works among homosexual people, but I'm thinking that men don't act so much in front of men and women don't act so much in front of women as women act in front of men and vice versa of course, feminism didn't show up with no reason.

(Of course I don't mean ALL women but it seems that people must feel they're pointed out personally to react ;))
 
I'm so confused... no one technically NEEDS anyone else to live.
I love my boyfriend, and I'd be sad if we broke up, but I'd be fine... I wouldn't want to have to rely on someone else so much. Maybe I'm just proving your point though lol
 
^ Just what I thought. ;)

I mean "practically" rather than "technically". Technically all people need is to breathe, to eat, to sleep, to excrete... (to survive, not to live)

I love my boyfriend, and I'd be sad if we broke up, but I'd be fine...

^ This is what I meant. It doesn't necessarily show up when you're in an ongoing relationship and everything's fine. The problem is mostly apparent either before both people agree that they're a couple or when one side sees that manipulating the other side may bring some benefits. And this manipulation most often is about needs, e.g. "I don't need you that much, you don't have to try so hard because I don't need your effort" or "I've been doing so much to satisfy your needs and you haven't really overexerted yourself", or "it doesn't take so much effort for you to satisfy my needs as it takes for me to satisfy yours".

I'm not saying men don't manipulate women at all, but given the load society and culture has put on men I guess we're in the age of men getting weaker and weaker because their strength is both said to be needed and denied almost at the same time. I've brought up this because I know it from experience. Some girls made me think that I need TOO much in comparison to their needs. In turn when I met someone else later, I stopped myself from showing my needs satisfying only my girlfriend's needs, and eventually she started feeling I don't need her...
 
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There are probably loads of men like this too but women seem more obvious about it. But I was thinking about reading a thread here with this girl who goes from man to man unhappy with the same shitty results, but still seeking another man to make it better. My mom was like this but back then, it was proper to be married so damn she went through a lot of husbands. I think the older a woman gets, the more it turns into a financial/economic need for a companion.
 
i'm not "needy" but yes my boyfriend is better than everyone else in this entire fucking city and also fucks the crazy out of me as often as i ....want .... so his permanent absence would cause a disturbance. there's this line from six feet under i like where ruth the mom is like "WHAT IS CO-EY. I DO NEED MY FAMILY. I LOVE THEM. I THINK EVERYONE'S FUCKING CO=EY" or something and i think that;s true to a certain extent but i also have that center of myself where i know myself and no one leaving me is going to like, kill that center, i'm still me and i can always grow from pain and use it
 
I still don't really understand what you're saying.
I don't think any gender needs the other one any "more".
My boyfriend would be fine if we broke up too. It would take us both a bit of time, for sure, but we'd get there. The point of being in a relationship is that you enjoy being with that person and you choose to be with that person... not "need" that person... but you choose to be together.
 
The point of being in a relationship is that you enjoy being with that person and you choose to be with that person... not "need" that person... but you choose to be together.
This is concept is really only apparent in Western culture. In many other cultures, relationships are based around necessity, and it is acknowledged by all parties that men need women and women need men. I think what adder is referring to is the feminist concept that women don't need men, and as your post shows, this way of thinking is now common in popular opinion.

Consider the divorce rates in the West vs. the rest of the world. The reason the divorce rate is so much higher in the West is precisely because of this attitude that couples are together purely for romantic love. In many other cultures, romantic love is not the main focus of a couple. The main focus is to create a strong, dependable family unit that can provide for all members better than any individual can do alone. Now, I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with romantic love-- What I'm saying is that maybe it is detrimental to believe that you don't need anyone.
 
I think that opposing voices come from the attitude that showing weakness is self-humiliating and escaping from the thought of being attached to someone who is not attached back. I'm not saying that I need a woman to change me or so I become a better person if I'm bad now. When there is a woman who I know needs me and loves me back, then I have strength to expose the best parts of me and feel like showing the person I am. There's no need then to look for the point of relationship.

llama112 said:
The point of being in a relationship is that you enjoy being with that person and you choose to be with that person... not "need" that person... but you choose to be together.

If you missed your boyfriend and you needed some time to get over your relationship, then this is a need, being in a relationship itself. When you love someone and you're not with that person, you're feeling sad. And when you are with that person, your sadness is gone and this is directly connected with the person you love, so however we as people would like to be independent, this is a example of someone satisfying our needs not to be sad and to be happy.

I don't know why we started diminishing the value of physical joy. And I don't mean making love per se, but the good feelings concentrated in our "minds" caused by neurotransmitters hitting their receptors. We have split mind and body seeking confirmation that we control ourselves. If I admit that it's possible that being around other people will change my mood and I won't be able to do anything about, I won't be able to say I fully control myself any more.

Maybe I chose women as the most apparent instance of this because we are past the century of men fighting each other to gain more power and more self-confidence fending off the thought of needing women to build any kind of world. Men still needed women, but found their way to self-assure they have control (as a man I don't understand how this really worked for anyone). If men had stopped showing the need for femininity, women in response became feminists becoming actually less feminine in their actions. And unfortunately, men proved to be weaker than women, hence this question. Men much more often don't support one another even if they're not attached to the same woman. On the contrary, a lot of "successful" men derive some wild satisfaction that other men are unsuccessful. Why would someone wish badly for the other person being happy himself/herself? Absurd.

And as a side note, because women read men's emotions better than men read women's emotions, men are generally perceived as being more needy. If all men feared their love will be unrequited, our kind would be extinct. More and more women seem to be aware of that and they start taking risk themselves seeing men have become generally less courageous to fall to their knees. But it's not a tendency, so I wouldn't want to hold the fate of human kind in my hands.
 
My boyfriend was away from a week, a business trip, so I was home alone all week (we live together). I missed him. But I still had a pretty good week. It did not stop me from enjoying myself. Same with him. He missed me a bit, but he still had a pretty good time.

I do not NEED to be in a relationship. I am very independent, I am proud to be independent. I don't see how that could be seen as negative.

I don't think guys are needy either. I mean, not as a whole. I believe some people are needier than others - males and females. Depends on the personality.
 
I still don't really understand what you're saying.
I don't think any gender needs the other one any "more".
My boyfriend would be fine if we broke up too. It would take us both a bit of time, for sure, but we'd get there. The point of being in a relationship is that you enjoy being with that person and you choose to be with that person... not "need" that person... but you choose to be together.

I totally agree with you on this.
 
It's all part of the great wheel of life. In time you will come to understand why. You will look back at yourself when you asked this question and smile.
In the meantime just accept it as a fact of life.
 
^ this.

and too anyone hates to feel vulnerable. whether it be in love, life, work, social groups etc.

women are no more needy than men, everyones needs are different and the perception of those needs vary when socializing with others (more predominantly at times; when in the presence of the opposite sex).

...kytnism...:|
 
Co-dependence is an individual thing, not a sex-based thing. Some people are very needy and others are emotionally distant.

As for the bit about homosexuals... yes they definitely act in front of each other. The mainstream gay community is full of pomp and show. Some men spend ages in front of the mirror trying to look perfect, going to the gym and being fashionable, and then turn around and try to emanate an aura of being unattainable.

People who think that being strong means not needing anyone usually have a hard time opening up to love in relationships because they have been deeply hurt in the past, and I tend to shy away from those people. In reality, they tend to be among the weakest and unsustained inside. It's people who know their weaknesses well and aren't afraid to be vulnerable that are more likely to develop the trust required for functionally loving relationships.
 
i find many girls to be incredibly needy while guys do get lonely and long for a relationship, and similarly end up being incredibly needy as well (like wanting to hang out constantly). When women seem to hit around 28-30 and they are single desperation mode seems to kick in. I find my gf needy in terms of always 'needing' things from me. I guess i am just extremely selfish and self centred but i generally only think in terms of I and not two people except when it comes to money.

Her friends that are single are incredibly fucked though. They are SO needy it's incredible. I know that's a small sample population but some of these girls 26-30 who are single are incredibly lonely and desperate. The friends she has that are in relationships are not like that at all, even if they are guys. It's kind of, 'well i'll see you when i see you' but her friends that are needy, guy or girl, will do anything to not be alone, usually taking her on 6 hour adventures on the weekend because they have nothing to go home to.

I think a better question is why are some people so needy? I love being alone, doing my own thing and being myself. I find relationships hard because i get distracted from what i like to do like playing guitar 8 hours a day and spending the rest obsessing over school work. I know girls who are like this too. So what is it about some people that turns them into black holes sucking in everyone who even comes near them? my girlfriend seems to attract these people, to the point where she's had to completely cut people off and never talk to them again because they just pushed her over the line with neediness. I don't even let those kinds of people near me and my red flag system goes off pretty quickly when i see them but hers doesn't until shit hits the fan. lol
 
I still don't understand what you mean OP. Neediness is an individual trait and has nothing to do with gender. Although if we're talking about which gender demonstrates it most, my personal experience has been contrary to yours since IME men have much more trouble admitting it than women - which just goes to show it's coincidental and really has nothing to do with that at all.
 
I think OP is referring to stereotypes. I've known women who are strong, have their own identity, great self-confidence and are not needy at all but the stereotypical woman needs a man to protect her, finance her desires/dreams, fight off other men for her and stupid shit like that. We're not cavemen anymore and no sex is 'needier' than the other, even in practical terms. Neediness is a personality trait, usually correlated with low self-confidence and emotional issues or a history of a trauma.

IME i find many more men to be incredibly needy with girls than the other way around. They constantly seek out affirmation/attention from them, act very desperate, must spend all their time with them and when not act pathetic, so much so that the girl usually pushes them away pretty fast and they are left heart broken hoping to just repeat the same experience again. That's just what i've noticed though, it's certainly not universal.
 
Ah right okay, thanks. So OP what you mean is that women are ashamed to admit they live up to that stereotype? (in your opinion, anyway...)
 
robotripping, its funny you should mention stereotypical gender roles in modern society, as i somewhat recently attended a seminar regarding this exact issue where it was discussed that following the womens sufferage movement and world war two; mens role in the household, workplace and relationships has now become so muddled that men no longer know who they are supposed to be and what is expected of their behavior and role as a man. once upon a time they were the breadwinner, the working class, the business mogul and figurehead of every home/relationship; whereas now during a time of gender "equality" (and women are able to do all of those things, and more); men have stopped feeding as much effort into their personal successes in fulfilling these roles, and are by nature, becoming more reliant on women and lazier in their personal/self achievements.

whether agreed with or not (as this is a very strong statement); i feel that women demanding equality of rights has lead to the de-masculinizing of men and ever increasing divorce rates. not to mention the unromantic lack of gentlemanly behavior that men in modern times display; and women hate (while unknowingly encourage in relationships and are very accepting of).

does this make either gender more needy than the other? you be the judge, and convict the guilty.

...kytnism...:|
 
augustaB said:
It's all part of the great wheel of life. In time you will come to understand why. You will look back at yourself when you asked this question and smile.
In the meantime just accept it as a fact of life.

Certainly, you're right here, I wouldn't have asked this question if I were in a happy relationship and it didn't bother me. It's not you all who is weird but me. I wouldn't be happy with a girl jumping at me shouting about her needs either. I would feel as if I couldn't notice her needs myself... ;)

Honestly speaking, there's a much more trivial reason why this came to my mind I realized after I started the thread. I always thought of my needs as troublesome to any girl, most probably because of my parents' marriage. In addition most girls I was with really were shy about intimacy so it didn't help my way of thinking. But let's face the truth, men are expected to initialize relationship and not women, men are constantly said to be not enough emotional, men are expected to express interest in sex and we're also doomed to be criticized for doing so. Maybe the society keeps this stereotype as some kind of a joke, but that's what played a huge role in my life, unfortunately. There are many men ranting about their wives never initializing sex and in turn men are perceived as more needy. As I feared of hurting a girl, I was stopping myself a lot in my teenage. I started feeling attracted intimately to girls much earlier than my peers did, and the problems arising from this progressed into my later life when my peers finally began thinking of love and sex in a similar way to me. When one girl didn't bring up the topic, I got confused, and failed when I met another girl who was 6 years older than me and openly talked about sex. But still it wasn't enough for me to change my attitude and I was distrustful of her although I knew it made no sense and at some point all we did was making love. Eventually I ruined this relationship though, because I was too shy to express my needs having been with girls who made me think it's something wrong. She's mistaken my actions and she figured that SHE had more need for intimacy and that it bothered me... The truth was quite the contrary and I was left alone feeling guilty both for needing her and not meeting her needs at the same time. And I'm still embittered when I realize we could both be happy because our needs were very similar in intenseness.

Pagey said:
I still don't understand what you mean OP. Neediness is an individual trait and has nothing to do with gender. Although if we're talking about which gender demonstrates it most, my personal experience has been contrary to yours since IME men have much more trouble admitting it than women - which just goes to show it's coincidental and really has nothing to do with that at all.

All right then, needy women express their needs much less often than needy men do. Both men and women may feel ashamed. But how can you not feel ashamed and confused when you're supposed both to be the one who starts kissing, cuddling etc. and at the same time you're told you do that too often? Don't women say that men only think about one thing? Isn't it that promiscuous women are perceived as emancipated nowadays and promiscuous men are perceived as scumbags? It's not a rule as a lot of insults are often thrown at sexually-liberated women and men having more than one partner are seen as successful too. But a man loving one woman is more probable to be called too needy than a woman devoted to her one and only man.

---
I'm filled with anger because the stereotype of a man seeing sex as a way of satisfying his physical needs caught up with my life much more than for other men. When I was in my early teenage, I was fully aware of the fact that I started growing up emotionally faster than others, I truly needed love, but it was simply seen as a physical need by people having poor sex life (just like people are jealous of intelligence, in this case I was just too loving for some, but it didn't mean I needed no physical intimacy...). I guess we will never come to an agreement about all these needs, because I'm sad and lonely and you guys are either now happy in a relationship or see your lives as complete or at least don't hold as much regret as I do. I'm 23 and I realized I'm feeling that I lost something, I will never have a chance to make up for the time lost and I'm fulfilled neither as a man nor as a human being. :\

EDIT: Yeah, stereotypes ruined my life and I'm just looking for a deeper sense of my suffering. I just couldn't see it a few days ago.
 
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