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Where are you currently in life and what is your current drug(s) of choice?

Oohh nice thread idea for some self reflection.



Trans-masculine, 18 year old and currently in my first year of a bachelor degree. Unemployed as I physically can’t work most jobs due to chronic illness. Currently in a lucky financial situation where my dad legally has to pay me a lot of child support, despite me being no-contact with him and living in a country with financial aid while studying etc… So financially I’m able to move out, which I’m currently desperately trying to do (kinda shit home situation atm), but student housing fucking sucks here.

Current DOC is a hard one hmm. First drug I really loved was morphine when I got overdosed at the hospital, but I don’t have access to opiates right now, probably for the better. XTC is for sure my current favorite feeling, but I am trying to keep that at monthly use at raves only.

Have a near daily speed habit, it’s not the best feeling high to me euphoria wise, but it makes me feel more comfortable in my brain in a way nothing else so far has except for opiates. Pretty much just adhd self medicating I suppose.

Other than that I like the calmness of ketamine and k-hole every week / every other week, I find it very therapeutic almost??

Am currently getting slightly in trouble with snorting diazepam and liking it a bit too much. It fills the void of not being able to access opiates, as well as being perfect for knocking me out after binging uppers.

Uhh yes, I pretty much feel I am in between the drugs being a ‘fun, going out with friends to raves’ thing while also a sad ‘if I can’t get high I want to end it all and can’t function’ thing in my daily life.

So far am a bit too good at hiding my use from family especially. 4 years of daily use and only got caught with weed once. I feel as though I’m currently at a cross-road where I either move out before getting caught, or I do get caught and get forced to rehab, knowing my mom.

Pretty much live in constant anxiety about this entire thing, so then I try to quite for a while, which then leads to a breakdown like one to two weeks in, where my mom accuses me of being on drugs even though I’m sober so then I go back to my habits and everything is fine for a while, until the paranoia gets me and the entire cycle repeats.

That basically, I also find it interesting to reflect on how the combination of chronic illness, being trans and never having felt mentally ‘normal’ relates to my drug use. Being uncomfortable in both my body and mind has made me want to escape both for as long as I can remember really.

Anyways, this is a ramble holyshit, shutting up now haha
 
That basically, I also find it interesting to reflect on how the combination of chronic illness, being trans and never having felt mentally ‘normal’ relates to my drug use. Being uncomfortable in both my body and mind has made me want to escape both for as long as I can remember really.

Thank you for sharing
It seems a lot of members on this forum are suffering from some sort of chronic illness whether that be mental or physical or both, in ways I am dealing with more issues today than when I was in active addiction. Particularly because 2 of my chronic health issues didnt start until about 1 year into my sobriety.

But I want you to know that theres hope of making it through your illnesses without having to use. Somehow I got stronger to the point where Ive been able to remain somewhat stoic and not turn to drugs


I like to think were not broken for having unhealthy coping mechanisms but simply surviving with what we have until better options can be found
 
Without going into detail:
Male in my mid 20s, studying, unemployed atm and dealing with multiple health issues,
5 years clean so no DOC atm other than caffeine and cyclical use of nicotine

Mostly curious to hear the life situations of other bluelighters and how it might relate to their DOC

24, another crossroads.

Indulged my desires by spending a few years working on music, writing, and personal development.

At the end of it feeling a bit eh, having ADHD diagnosed and realising I just forced myself through past problems (severe mental illness and substance abuse) and haven’t addressed any of it meaningfully.

So slipping a bit, watching myself follow silly patterns with my partner due to other experiences, bursting over at work, and feeling constantly tired or fed up.

I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t want to profit of selling products, and I feel hardeset on education under the current circumstances in my country, but enough whining.

Been having an every few months opioid binge, pushing it to the brink before getting physical withdrawals (usually about 1-2g of Codeine or Dihydrocodeine over a month or little more, 3 times a week.

I was 100% clean for 3 years before first using caffiene and nicotine before then weed and shrooms, and then now using the occasional bit of Opioids.

I don’t feel better or worse so far but memory is tricky ain’t it.

Otherwise I toke up fullspectrum cannabis and sprinkle in THC when I fancy a little more twisted spinny dissociation but usually have CBD,CBG and other similar heavy smoke, or edibles, I’ve been trying to bring my smoking down slowly as I’m concerned about my sinuses and my sleep at night due to smoking.

I have reduced nicotine to almost none, as I picked it up the past year just because I wanted to squeeze all I could left out of my bad habits before I have to pack it in, I have a few puffs of 10mg vape every other night or so

I take 77mg Methylphenidate daily, and I tried some other things to reduce my amount or to take off days, but I have such an unstable presentation it worsens me. Those around me say I’m a lot more well if I take it. I’ve tried the odd bit more and it’s not worth it, and I’ve been able to self regulate it and not abuse it. Most I did was 108mg because it appeared to be the “somewhat safe” daily limit but not something I want to repeat due to fear.

And I use plenty of otc (supplements but really I’d consider them mildly psychoactive- Theanine, Lemon Balm, Taurine, Agmatine

I’d take MDMA if available but due to past addictions to alcohol, benzos, and ketamine, most things are off the table.

Not even in a “oh I’m clean now” more so I make my life totally hellish as I am so extremely impulsive (ADHD,EUPD,Autism) so I take things way to far.

I juggle what I can get away with for now and try and “think about it” first and force myself to pack it in when it’s making things worse, so probably causing myself to go in circles but I get bored, always have done, and until I’m able to be content with being bored I know I’ll twist my consciousness someway.
 
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I was 100% clean for 3 years before first using caffiene and nicotine before then weed and shrooms, and then now using the occasional bit of Opioids.
What made you get clean and stay clean if you dont mind me asking?

Not even in a “oh I’m clean now” more so I make my life totally hellish as I am so extremely impulsive (ADHD,EUPD,Autism) so I take things way to far.
I feel this, got ADHD and autism + a few other things. Impulsive as hell and tend to generate my own hell/prison at times, both mental prison and ”life situation” prison due to circumstances, a cascade of choices, executive dysfunctions, impulsivity, rumination etc etc
Im currently in somewhat of a period of improvement though, I ”know” life will get better and am actively working towards it
 
What made you get clean and stay clean if you dont mind me asking?


I feel this, got ADHD and autism + a few other things. Impulsive as hell and tend to generate my own hell/prison at times, both mental prison and ”life situation” prison due to circumstances, a cascade of choices, executive dysfunctions, impulsivity, rumination etc etc
Im currently in somewhat of a period of improvement though, I ”know” life will get better and am actively working towards it

What got me clean per se, was I had a very cliche but real epiphany one night. I came across something online and it was practically a statement saying most people haven’t tried.

I examined my life, and figured well yes, I haven’t tried, I’ve always just given up. So I decided to try for real which = no drugs, alcohol, smoking, proper diet, exercise, learning, ceasing games and tech, etc etc

I got very into philosophy, spirituality and both the epiphany above + that new motivation kept me inspired for those 3 years to stay consistent.

I’m really glad to hear you have entered a more stable and positive period. I’m trying the same, you explained the mental prison thing very eloquently and it’s really so similar. I’ve always created my own, and I know I allow myself to enter it very often.
 
I'm in my late 30s.
My living situation is I'm single with no kids, and forewent my own life to take care of my family, as both of my parents are physically handicapped from years of their own drug abuse and old age. My father's a half blind alcoholic with a hip replacement, and my mother is an amputee doubling as a walking pharmacy of painkillers and muscle relaxers. I have a sister a couple years younger than me who is a recovered IV user, and now only smokes her weed.

As you can see, I was not exactly born into fortune...that's the cards I was dealt though.

As for me, eh...I'm a recovered alcoholic that used to do a lot of LSD in my 20s and smoke weed.

I don't trip anymore, no need to. Nothing against it, just it ran its course of usefulness to me.
I rarely drink, due to the fact that it just kicks my ass the next morning a lot harder than it did 10 - 15 years ago.

Professionally speaking, I have a background in retail/wholesale operations logistics and assistant management.
I'm taking some time off of work, a few months, at least to push through the holiday season, away from work right now.
I just quit a job with an abusive upper management staff. As for how abusive, it's been almost 2 months since I quit, and I'm still kinda paranoid about running into them somewhere else in town around that area so I proactively avoid that area of town during work week hours because I don't want to see or deal with them or that.

So since I'm taking my time off, I'm smoking weed again for a while. Helps me relax and decompress. Plus, no hangover factor.
 
Turning 33 in November. Mother of 2 toddlers; my 2.5 year old daughter + 14 month old son. Sober, for real. Full time stay-at-home mom. Taking life one day at a time. Trying not to blink so I don’t miss a thing.
 
Turning 33 in November. Mother of 2 toddlers; my 2.5 year old daughter + 14 month old son. Sober, for real. Full time stay-at-home mom. Taking life one day at a time. Trying not to blink so I don’t miss a thing.
Im curious what makes other sober people gravitate towards forums like these. For me its the inability to shake my obsession with drugs and everything surrounding them, I seem to live vicariously through the experiences of others.

What about you?
 
I'm in my 2nd stage of enlightenment, 1st stage occurred in my mid-twenties, I'm 71 yrs old, married 45 yrs and have 2 grown daughters. Recently lived in an Rv for 16 months because a pickup truck crashed into our house May 3, 2024. House is somewhat restored, moved back in September 30, 2025.
Currently processing my life, trying to figure things out much the same type awareness I had in my twenties doing psychedelics. things like god, spirituality, church and religion. Got it figured out to my satisfaction, as you might gathered from previous posts.

I live in the moment, started doing that in 2005 after mental breakdown and psychosis. Diagnosed schizoaffective-depression spectrum 1975. Long time to reflect and get my shit together, but I have to say, in the long run it is worth it. Started working part time while attending college shortly after breakdown in 2005. Made Dean's list, formed an ActiveMinds mental health advocacy/awareness club on campus. Phi Theta Kappa and graduated with honors in two-year college. Chemical Dependency Counseling.

Attended Bible College 3 semesters, then transferred to SUNY University for Bachelors degree in Human Services while working par time. Prior to 2005, I was overly medicated and did nothing but self-isolate, smoked tobacco and listened to music for 30 years. I was too absorbed in my own state of mind to be the type of husband and father I should have been. My kids and my marriage suffered greatly by my lack of ability to be there for them. Today, marriage and family life is good with always room for improvement, but all in all very good.

As well as things are life is still a struggle for me. I am selfish because I want more, not necessarily more money or material possessions, although a little extra couldn't hurt. I want more from myself within the realm of higher consciousness. That, that cannot be determined on my current level of awareness. It's there, I just don't know how to grow from here to there. Once I find there I will no longer be here or perhaps I will be here and there.

I love my mind, I love how it works and what it is capable of achieving. I also love where my mind has been...I would not be here if I was't there first. Although diagnosed schizoaffective I have very little symptoms and I can do anything I put my mind to, however, physically my health is declining. I can't walk or stand for extended periods of time. I used to love hiking in the woods but nowadays my extreme outings are limited to going to the grocery store or traveling to doctor's appointments.

We have 4 dogs, Eidie, a year and 10 months old female golden retriever is my dog. She is devoted to me although she loves my wife, she is my dog. Sadie, Bernese Mountain Dog rescued from an Ohio puppy mill for breeding purposes was badly traumatized, she is 6 yrs old. Shyla another rescue dog, Border Collie 8 yrs old and KitKat female hound mix loves people is 11 yrs old.

I don't have a perfect life but it is tolerable.
 
Thank you for sharing
It seems a lot of members on this forum are suffering from some sort of chronic illness whether that be mental or physical or both, in ways I am dealing with more issues today than when I was in active addiction. Particularly because 2 of my chronic health issues didnt start until about 1 year into my sobriety.

But I want you to know that theres hope of making it through your illnesses without having to use. Somehow I got stronger to the point where Ive been able to remain somewhat stoic and not turn to drugs


I like to think were not broken for having unhealthy coping mechanisms but simply surviving with what we have until better options can be found
What i learned last time i got in to deep with drugs. Is that my overall health.
Was of more importance then i realised. I thought that my WD from Alcohol.
Were so bad because it s such a horrible drug. Al my previous addiction s involved around GHB/ GBL, Kratom. And where easy to kick.

Alcohol was the only drug i had not used or placed in a category.
Like Heroine, Crack and more recent Benzo s, though i never got addicted to those.
Bluelight harm reduction at best. But Alcohol slipped under the radar.
Right in my live, so i got physically addicted 4 times !

So i live/ learn and got addicted a 5-th time. Shitty, but at least i am no Donkey.
Its just a money. This time i was well fed, nourished and physical i top state.
Drunk a lot but not to the point of physically dependant.
Or maybe that develops when your live focused on Booze.

And physical form is neglected ? This time it was way more easier.
Knew CT was not good, RC Benzo s are long gone a few month s.
So i was left with 1 option taper. I doing it slow but steady.

I relapsed a lot, so i in the relapse zone, of a will powered taper.
Which if necessary i continue till i am death. But none of the WD i had 4 times.
Are present. Shocking as it way easier now the my previuos DIY method s.
Using benzo s, and better the the Detox, way better.
The relapse rate in Detox is over 90-%. Making it a Placebo.

For the health-system. We do offer Addict s a Detox that Will take away all.
But your addiction. We fill you with lies, self for-filling prophesies and fiction.
And if all goes well you will be back next week. More money for many,
except you. And we will take your comfort med s too.

Give us shit and your out on your own.
What i did is think fuck y all.
Obviously you no longer see addict s as human s.
And this system lacks self reflection.

This is what in reality worked for me.
You want to go in WD healthy and well trained.
Why otherwise you have no energy to do it.
This is especially relevant for Booze as it drains you.

For sleeping i found no answer atm its embrace insomnia.
For this you do really need a benzo. Sad enough these are not OTC.
The rest you can train before stopping.
I did my body was trained, well fed amd enriched with supplement s.

And i am still kinda weiry waiting in vain.
Don t expect Delerium Tremens or a seizure anymore.
What i also found remarkable, i had 5 seizure.
The last one in good condition.

This one went un-noticed. It was tracking back i discovered i had one.
The day after running 3.5 km and vigorous training and forced feeding.
So why it went un-noticed, discovered it after 3 night insomnia.
One of the tell tale signs i had one.

Al the after effect s of a seizure were slowly coming on.
And because of the insomnia, and seizure activity on my muscles during sleep.
Did have a bad effect on me, as i could not train any more.
My muscles would give up walking 40 meters i a fast pace.

i am taking things slow atm, waiting anticipating better day s to come.
But i general, when WD-ing your physical fitness seems.
Along overall health the most important factor for healing quick.
Which immediately exposes Detox as wax nose for society.

The sport facilty and day care were gone due to cutting the budget.
DIY or like famous people with money do.
Go on vacation to a Detox resort, otherwise and when poor DIY.

And so is my family practitioner, my dr the man.
Who thinks a benzo for insomnia or for seizure control is drug seeking.
But indirectly says i don t take you serious drug seeker 1.
Or i hope you die soon 2.

Worst case he really believes, seizure and insomnia are less harmful,
then taking a benzo. So i am basically in cue to get to the crossroad s.
Though i know what direction to go.

So in the traffic jam right before the crossroad is where i am at.
 
Im curious what makes other sober people gravitate towards forums like these. For me its the inability to shake my obsession with drugs and everything surrounding them, I seem to live vicariously through the experiences of others.

What about you?
I’ve been on BL for years. Long before I got clean. Now, I only hope I can be of some help to someone else like me.
 
Not sure where to start and end.

Props to everyone for sharing. Props to everyone that pursued getting clean and dependent free. Not an easy thing to do and stick to.

Never know what card life will throw at someone. Many in the world have a lot going on and in most cases fragile. This is normal. Being in touch with one's feelings is a good sign.
 
Not sure where to start and end.

Props to everyone for sharing. Props to everyone that pursued getting clean and dependent free. Not an easy thing to do and stick to.

Never know what card life will throw at someone. Many in the world have a lot going on and in most cases fragile. This is normal. Being in touch with one's feelings is a good sign.
No problem i wrote down, knew i dd have no recollection writing it.
Gives me some self-reflection and insight :unsure:

So there is a renovation on my house, mentally it more a sort of revelation.
Imagine going in the dessert no water no food [Jezus], ad strung out on drug s [me]. Having a conversation with burning Wormwood.

It s long my reply , but it s nice worded i reread. Weird shit.
Tomorrow, woke on the couch first last night. ended in bed after.
Discovered i cooked for 6 day s, and ate Sauerkraut and Tempeh.

That how bad it get s and i don t need to take drug s for that.
Cannabis smooths things out as well prescribed ADHD meds [can do without if needed/ it happen s every once in a while. Dr s. :rolleyes:]

But in reality i would advise myself to never start any of these,
started toking [and simultaneously Nicotine as tobacco was included].
The first Drug that consciously reached my CNS. THC take 10/ 20 min.
Especially 1-st time. Definitely use no Tobacco or Nicotine.
Same for Ethanol. Maybe medication if necessary.

Just nor the merry- go- round, if possible.
But there are worse things can happen in life,
What drugs can do in 20 year s.
A dr, ex or unhealthy life style might do it 5.
A life changing event. A bad one 2.5?

You can train your brain and body,
and be well nourished. And drug s i blend them in. \
A necessity, a need. i temper it, try to.

But i learned you are better of if you can also live without.
Mental depended is hard but that can be soothed with a treat.
A depended body you can t buy of with a treat i learned.
I keep that in mind.

I never got addicted to Benzodiazepine. Despite my dr s believe.
Kinda guessed my use was not excessive. They stopped RC benzo s.
Few month s ago knew it on forehand, so i slowly quit before .
And that is 1`that at least that didn end in a disaster.
 
Love the thread @TheLightBringer a good self-reflection like @Sp4rky mentioned.
Liked that reply and have no recollection doing so. Insomnia wreck s my short/ long term mem, big time. Might catch up in a month if the storm past.
I gonna read the rest of the reply s today, good thread/ read !

Meanwhile thank s for creating a self-reflection thread.
i spit my guts but will revisit now and then and aid some reply s.
maybe help other s reflect to. Felt relieving a place to vent my Wall s of Word s.

Started a Blog [after i by chance, never went in the BLOG section.
Read @M!$TER-ED s BLOG.
Concerning a Car that went through his fam s house like an Astroid.

Feel s shitty imagining what the Cat s/ Dog s and Human s went through.
My housing problem s melted like snow in the summer.
I can advise that if you really need to vent in a controlled way. Start a Blog. \

To Be Continued/ TBC -> MyBlog

🤙

 
Love the thread @TheLightBringer a good self-reflection like @Sp4rky mentioned.
Liked that reply and have no recollection doing so. Insomnia wreck s my short/ long term mem, big time. Might catch up in a month if the storm past.
I gonna read the rest of the reply s today, good thread/ read !

Meanwhile thank s for creating a self-reflection thread.
i spit my guts but will revisit now and then and aid some reply s.
maybe help other s reflect to. Felt relieving a place to vent my Wall s of Word s.

Started a Blog [after i by chance, never went in the BLOG section.
Read @M!$TER-ED s BLOG.
Concerning a Car that went through his fam s house like an Astroid.

Feel s shitty imagining what the Cat s/ Dog s and Human s went through.
My housing problem s melted like snow in the summer.
I can advise that if you really need to vent in a controlled way. Start a Blog. \

To Be Continued/ TBC -> MyBlog

🤙

Of course, thank you for sharing and contributing. Ill check out your blog too 🫶🏼
 
I'm a student as well. Alcohol is my go to. It's cheap and reliable. I do use weed as well.

Though, I'm looking to expand my range some.

I'm most curious about MDMA and other empathogens. I'm on the fence about hallucinogens.

I'm opposed to taking cocaine or any of the stronger opioids.
 
Without going into detail:
Male in my mid 20s, studying, unemployed atm and dealing with multiple health issues,
5 years clean so no DOC atm other than caffeine and cyclical use of nicotine

Mostly curious to hear the life situations of other bluelighters and how it might relate to their DOC
Congratulations on 5 years! I'm also in recovery, but am using a harm reduction approach.

I'm 35, also in university and working towards a Bachelors of Social Work. If everything pans out with my transfer credits from community college I'll be able to apply to the faculty.

I'm AuDHD, late diagnosis. Got the ADHD diagnosis at 31 and Autism at 35. I've been working with a therapist to figure out how my brain works, which has been super successful so far.
 
at this point, I mainly just collect drugs. Having them and buying them feels more addictive than actually using them, in a weird, roundabout way.
Damn I kind of relate to this but in a way of reading about drugs and everything surrounding them. I would collect them too but that would be a horrible idea in recovery.

Strangely whenever I truly picture myself doing drugs again like actually imagine it I just see what my use would look like from an outside perspective and get disgusted. Yet I fantasize about pharmacology, drug combos and novel experiences every day…

Probably a sign of recovery that I feel grossed out at the thought of seeing myself tweak out all night instead of getting excited 😂
 
50 years old and stopped crack in august after 15 years cocaine addiction and also too much alcohol
Recovering physically and mentally from booze, yes I have a couple of every week to couple of weeks usually just four or less, and in the start of recovery from cocaine, booze was bad in getting arrested and petty thieving of it and £$ for it, I was rude, lude and abnoxious, I got arrested for being pissed cunt, got depressed that I got arrested so went out for just one or two drinks which turned into 15 pints of beer, couple of pints of vodka, fair bit of rum, and shots/slammers as drank to forgot problems, but got more problems then was not being able to afford so stole off family (horrible situation) and shop lifted beer, but after freinds told me I had been cuntish and I woke up to the fact I was bastard thief I sobered up and now I only have a couple definitely no more and no more rum or other spirits. The cocaine use during drink was not as bad after, yup indeed well I believed I needed something else, the crack went on for years but I was lucky I started getting more money (legitimately) so didn't fall into the thieving trap! But I didn't eat anything other than pasta and cheese and sauce or rice gravy and sometimes lentils very unhealthy no vitamins or nutrients and I would not shave for a couple of weeks or get haircut and didn't shower for upto four months got in debt with loans companies so slight back track will class as theft as I didn't pay it all back) the addicts I was rolling with kept saying that cocaine was shit and they hated it but can't stop, but I took notice of them and they said that I physically stank of body odour and I was not paying my bills for rented property and could of got evicted, so what they addicts said and the eviction warning and debt collectors warning and bad hygiene I finally said it must end so I threw pipes in the trash bin deleted and blocked my dealers numbers and not had any since and also now given up snuff powdered tobacco and cigarettes occasionally I do have a cigar once a month if that, so now use nicotine replacement tablets. I feel healthier mentally and physically. It took a year on here to stop the crack booze and reduce tobacco but it's done I'm in recovery, I still think about cocaine hell of a lot each day but I still don't submit to the cravings or thoughts, I got interested in strength sports and studying the world news and now going to the gym and eating real food which is great for beating crack, please believe me that I'm not preaching, but it's possible to stop and see the light in the darkness of addiction and follow the light to soberity and peace, 💙🙏 to you!
 
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