When will I feel normal

[yubacity]

I have difficulty opening up at mtgs- which is strange because I'm very social. I think it's when the whole room stops and all focus is on me that unnerves me. IRL, no one would believe that bothers me lol. Others seem to think I'm very strong and confident. I always am taken back when they say that.

Yubacity- I went to a meeting last night. I made myself go. Firstly, I was a little late and did NOT want to walk in and have everyone turn around, etc. Or what if they wanted me to introduce myself, etc. Ugh.

I very quietly went in. I felt uncomfortable the whole time. At the end of the meeting- a woman came over to me, she introduced herself. She gave me a list of meetings and put her number down and had other women write theirs too. Omg- and I started to cry. Her kindness made me cry. I was really embarrassed that I was crying.

I have alot of difficulty accepting kindness. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I'm accustomed to the opposite.

I'm going to try to get over it and use the phone numbers and keep going. I have to learn I'm worth being treated w kindness. It is not going to be easy.

I hope you're having a good day.

I'm exactly like you.Im a social person it's just talking about weaknesses that does me in.I will make myself go.I look at you and Ashley and feel for you.Its hard enough on the road of recovery but you guys having pain issues on top.I feel embarrassed moaning about my shit when I have no pain issues.Keep strong mate and keep me updated.

 

[EPL1]

No never be embarrassed expressing your struggles, everyone has their own struggles in life, for some it's addiction, others illness, others chronic pain, no one's struggles are more important than another's. Remember that Yuba.

I was so happy when I read that you may attend a meeting Yuba, I think it's really great for you and your family in the long run, and sure you'l miss them when they move and that's understandable, but with each passing day of you not having to rely on that poison you will get stronger.

I am also VERY happy you considered what I said, and have decided not to put yourself in temptation by staying away from the dealer/friend. I couldn't be more happy reading this!!!

Very proud of you!!!! You can do this and I'm always here if you need me.

Love and strength to you,

your friend,
Ash.

I'm exactly like you.Im a social person it's just talking about weaknesses that does me in.I will make myself go.I look at you and Ashley and feel for you.Its hard enough on the road of recovery but you guys having pain issues on top.I feel embarrassed moaning about my shit when I have no pain issues.Keep strong mate and keep me updated.

 

[Stargazer]

I second that yuba- don't feel badly or embarrassed. We all have "our story" and journies. And -more than not they're all painful.

Another meeting tonight. And no, I don't feel like going. I will drag my uncomfortable ass there. I wish I had someone to go with me. I went w a friend on Monday night. It helps to have a friend w you. My husband doesn't "believe" in meetings. He desperately needs one though.

I don't agree w every single thing about NA. And sometimes the cliches get on my nerves. But, I do like the fellowship. Maybe I'll make some new, good friends. I'm open to that. But, I need to work up to it.

I'm not ready to share my story at meetings yet. I'm keeping my ears and heart open right now. I know I'm never going to get better by continuing the way I am. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other for now. Hope everyone is doing well.

 

[yubacity]

How is everyone doing.Ash how is life treating you and 10 years gone I hope you still going to your meetings.Im lying in bed stoned and listening to pearl jam unplugged.I was going to go too a na meeting but I couldn't its just not me.Trying to find a hobbie to keep busy but nothing interests me.I am also buying weed from another place so as not be around gear.I am so fucking bored my good mood went after my last relapse now feel miserable.Most important thing is I've been put off using again I hated my last experience the come down is not worth the high.

 

[yubacity]

Have decided to learn to play the guitar.I have spent most of my life getting high and loving the sound of guitar.So I decided might as well learn to play.Have decided to have a year of work.will get back to the states get my semi licence and then get used to the states again.

 

[Stargazer]

Hey yuba!

I'm still staying on course. Hopefully, I'll make it to the meeting at 8:00 tonight. I haven't been feeling well- I think I have a sinus thing and head cold. Alot of pressure in my face and head, feeling very tired, etc.

It's a great idea to learn how to play the guitar! That's exactly the kind of stuff that helps. Alot. So does exercise. It's very mood elevating.

Just like me, you have to meet some new, sober friends. Getting out into life helps w that. If you don't want to go to mtgs-, find other ways to interact w people.

All of this is definitely not easy. I'm going through it too. You're never alone ?

 

[EPL1]

Hello my dear friend!!

Good for you, learning guitar will definitely channel that boredom, and when you get back to the states, join a gym, you'll meet a different set of guys there too. You're back on track after a momentary lapse of judgement and I couldn't be happier for you!!!

Proud of you Yuba!!!!!

Here for you always,
love and support,
your friend,
Ash.

Have decided to learn to play the guitar.I have spent most of my life getting high and loving the sound of guitar.So I decided might as well learn to play.Have decided to have a year of work.will get back to the states get my semi licence and then get used to the states again.

 

[yubacity]

Hey yuba!

I'm still staying on course. Hopefully, I'll make it to the meeting at 8:00 tonight. I haven't been feeling well- I think I have a sinus thing and head cold. Alot of pressure in my face and head, feeling very tired, etc.

It's a great idea to learn how to play the guitar! That's exactly the kind of stuff that helps. Alot. So does exercise. It's very mood elevating.

Just like me, you have to meet some new, sober friends. Getting out into life helps w that. If you don't want to go to mtgs-, find other ways to interact w people.

All of this is definitely not easy. I'm going through it too. You're never alone ?

How you doing mate.Its so good to hear you still going strong.This fight ain't easy but the alternative is a lot harder and destructive.Keep strong because we all know the other route is hell.

 

[yubacity]

Hello my dear friend!!

Good for you, learning guitar will definitely channel that boredom, and when you get back to the states, join a gym, you'll meet a different set of guys there too. You're back on track after a momentary lapse of judgement and I couldn't be happier for you!!!

Proud of you Yuba!!!!!

Here for you always,
love and support,
your friend,
Ash.

Thanks a lot my dear friend.I hope your life getting easier now and the pain issues are less.Im eating a light breakfast now ready to go hit the weights and do some cardio.I am now constantly thinking of the money I wasted on gear.When I start calculating I stop before it hits 150000 pounds fuck me that could have been the kids money.But I have done it no use thinking about it.I hope you have a great day ash keep well my mate.

 

[yubacity]

I have now realised that every time I relapse I set myself back.I had a week of feeling miserable now I feeling better.The weird thing is yesterday I was craving crack don't know why I only used it now and again.It must be where I feeling fatigued I just wanted a stimulant .Will these cravings be a part of my life forever or will they get less.

 

[yubacity]

One thing this thread must be a weird read.Im either over the moon or feeling shitty because of a relapse.Its like a personal diary of a addicts recovery.well I'm off to the gym have a good work out go to the car park smoke a joint then have a steam room sauna and shower got some good weed that's been cured lovely.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

You're doing great, yuba. Me and you are in similar positions. I had a friend who whenever he got paid would offer to buy me drugs so he could hang out with me and pay for a load of crack and heroin, and many times that tempting offer came when I was a week or two clean and it was just too much and I ended up caving. This time I've given my phone to a family member to hold for a couple of weeks while I get my head straight so as to avoid temptation and get some real clean time. Unlike you, I am on subutex, and find that it's incredibly helpful for quelling cravings, and has the added benefit of making using impossible for the day you take it, since high doses block other opiates so effectively. Have you ever thought about it?

 

[yubacity]

You're doing great, yuba. Me and you are in similar positions. I had a friend who whenever he got paid would offer to buy me drugs so he could hang out with me and pay for a load of crack and heroin, and many times that tempting offer came when I was a week or two clean and it was just too much and I ended up caving. This time I've given my phone to a family member to hold for a couple of weeks while I get my head straight so as to avoid temptation and get some real clean time. Unlike you, I am on subutex, and find that it's incredibly helpful for quelling cravings, and has the added benefit of making using impossible for the day you take it, since high doses block other opiates so effectively. Have you ever thought about it?

How you doing mate hope your good.You have done the right thing giving your phone yo family.Ashley on here told me to stop hanging out with people who use.I have done that and yes I'm bored as fuck.But we can't say no so it's bad for our recovery.My dealer offered some subutex he said use it a few months then stop,Tell you the truth mate I done one detox cold turkey and it was hell.I don't want to detox of subs so will leave it.How do you plan to get of subs will there be a cluck or will you taper down.Keep well my friend recovery is shit but we get there.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

How you doing mate hope your good.You have done the right thing giving your phone yo family.Ashley on here told me to stop hanging out with people who use.I have done that and yes I'm bored as fuck.But we can't say no so it's bad for our recovery.My dealer offered some subutex he said use it a few months then stop,Tell you the truth mate I done one detox cold turkey and it was hell.I don't want to detox of subs so will leave it.How do you plan to get of subs will there be a cluck or will you taper down.Keep well my friend recovery is shit but we get there.

I've done a full sub taper before, all the way from 8 to 0.4mg going really slowly, and when I jumped to 0 I just felt mild restlessness & a little depression - absolutely nothing compared to coming off of heroin. If it's tapered correctly there is really very, very little withdrawal.

 

[yubacity]

You got me in two minds now mate.If I do the subutex for a few months and taper it could help.But I abuse everything ill end up crushing and snorting them I will I know.thats what I do if something can be snorted I will snort it must be from my crank and coke days.how are you feeling mate

 

[Rio Fantastic]

You got me in two minds now mate.If I do the subutex for a few months and taper it could help.But I abuse everything ill end up crushing and snorting them I will I know.thats what I do if something can be snorted I will snort it must be from my crank and coke days.how are you feeling mate

I'm pretty good, man. I'm 4 days off of heroin & crack and it's like coming out of a haze - I have such clear memories of the start of this year, committed to getting sober, and then after that its just lapse after lapse after lapse and before I know it another seven months have gone down the drain, and here I am emerging from the haze and wondering what the fuck happened. I need to change the people around me and get back into a productive mindset so that I can get some real clean time again and stop this shit, it's destroying my life. It's such a weird feeling and it's been seven months for me, so I can't imagine what it must be like for you coming out of decades of using. My mood is obviously pretty fucked, going up & down, but I am slowly clawing some stability back from the jaws of chaos. I have never tried snorting subutex, but from what I hear it doesn't really give much of a buzz so although some do snort or shoot it I don't think you'd be too tempted. Also, if you get a legitimate prescription they will put you on supervised consumption so you have to take it in the pharmacy, which will stop you from misusing them. I was really surprised to find out you're punjabi, your posts read just like a white british guy! How are you?

 

[yubacity]

I'm pretty good, man. I'm 4 days off of heroin & crack and it's like coming out of a haze - I have such clear memories of the start of this year, committed to getting sober, and then after that its just lapse after lapse after lapse and before I know it another seven months have gone down the drain, and here I am emerging from the haze and wondering what the fuck happened. I need to change the people around me and get back into a productive mindset so that I can get some real clean time again and stop this shit, it's destroying my life. It's such a weird feeling and it's been seven months for me, so I can't imagine what it must be like for you coming out of decades of using. My mood is obviously pretty fucked, going up & down, but I am slowly clawing some stability back from the jaws of chaos. I have never tried snorting subutex, but from what I hear it doesn't really give much of a buzz so although some do snort or shoot it I don't think you'd be too tempted. Also, if you get a legitimate prescription they will put you on supervised consumption so you have to take it in the pharmacy, which will stop you from misusing them. I was really surprised to find out you're punjabi, your posts read just like a white british guy! How are you?

So good to hear mate 4 days and you feel better.I hope you stay strong you can do this.The most important thing is change who you hang around with.Like you said lapse after lapse .We relapse because we hang around with people that use.How much temptation can we take.I am bored as fuck because like you said after decades of use i dont have any friends who dont use.My Punjabi set of friends won't do brown but do coke they not know I on the gear.My white british mates do gear I mingled in both sets.Thats the reason I write like this I spent my early childhood.Hope you get a good sleep tonight makes so much difference.

 

[EPL1]

Exactly Yuba, glad to see you're coming to that realization my dear friend...

If you and Rio could make some new friends with other interests and stay away from the users/dealers you would have WAY BETTER results, I promise you that.

And you can always count on me anytime, that goes for you too Rio, you're doing really well btw, I want you to know that. Hell nevermind, I will write you your own message too.

Much love and support to you Yuba,
here for you always,
Ash.

So good to hear mate 4 days and you feel better.I hope you stay strong you can do this.The most important thing is change who you hang around with.Like you said lapse after lapse .We relapse because we hang around with people that use.How much temptation can we take.I am bored as fuck because like you said after decades of use i dont have any friends who dont use.My Punjabi set of friends won't do brown but do coke they not know I on the gear.My white british mates do gear I mingled in both sets.Thats the reason I write like this I spent my early childhood.Hope you get a good sleep tonight makes so much difference.

 

[EPL1]

Hello Rio,

I just want you to know how fantastic you are, 4 days clean is really great!! Please be kind and patient with yourself.

If you need anything I am here, feel free to pm me, hugs and I'm very proud of you,
your friend,
Ash.

I'm pretty good, man. I'm 4 days off of heroin & crack and it's like coming out of a haze - I have such clear memories of the start of this year, committed to getting sober, and then after that its just lapse after lapse after lapse and before I know it another seven months have gone down the drain, and here I am emerging from the haze and wondering what the fuck happened. I need to change the people around me and get back into a productive mindset so that I can get some real clean time again and stop this shit, it's destroying my life. It's such a weird feeling and it's been seven months for me, so I can't imagine what it must be like for you coming out of decades of using. My mood is obviously pretty fucked, going up & down, but I am slowly clawing some stability back from the jaws of chaos. I have never tried snorting subutex, but from what I hear it doesn't really give much of a buzz so although some do snort or shoot it I don't think you'd be too tempted. Also, if you get a legitimate prescription they will put you on supervised consumption so you have to take it in the pharmacy, which will stop you from misusing them. I was really surprised to find out you're punjabi, your posts read just like a white british guy! How are you?

 

[EPL1]

Hahaha,

I think I've become the mother hen around here, worried about you all. You're really doing well Yuba, and if I didn't give a shit about you and your lovely family I wouldn't be so damn bossy...lol!! Just want the best for you.

P.S I left you another note up above in case you missed it.
Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

How you doing mate hope your good.You have done the right thing giving your phone yo family.Ashley on here told me to stop hanging out with people who use.I have done that and yes I'm bored as fuck.But we can't say no so it's bad for our recovery.