When to share personal information?

[powdakilla]

Hi there, there have been a few threads lately about dating someone with mental illness, 'would you date someone who is mentally ill?' and 'dealing with a borderline personality', and a lot of the responses from people basically said that, no, they wouldn't date someone who suffered from mental illness.
If you met me and didn't know me well, you would have no idea that I suffer from really bad depression and some kind of as yet undiagnosed bipolar or borderline personality disorder. I have months and have even had a few years where things are really good, but inevitably I crash and have some kind of breakdown, when the pressures of life build up and I can't handle them effectively.
So my question is, when is the right time to tell someone you have just started dating that you have these issues? When I was on an S.S.R.I it was easier, because the sexual side effects of it (having sex for an hour without cumming) took some explaining that it wasn't them or a lack of attraction on my part, but just that the meds I was on screwed with my sexual response. Looking back though, it might not have been fair to not tell these people about these issues before I started sleeping with them, and now that I'm on Wellbutrin I have the opposite problem than on an S.S.R.I (the one good thing about those damn pills!).
I have just started online dating, and since mental illness seems to be a deal breaker for a lot of people I am torn. I don't want to lead anyone on, and I also don't want to get attached to someone, disclose that information, and then get hurt by being rejected for it. Any advice on how to broach the subject?

 

[Jean-Paul]

i tell people about my anxiety disorder all the time. it explains certain stuff, and i am pretty recklessly open about myself anyway. i like it that way. it weeds out people i don't need to waste my time on anyway. people should like you enough that it doesn't bother them. do you really want to attract someone you think is *perfect* or *normal* anyway? always comparing yourself to them, feeling inferior? there is no reason to treat it like you're deformed or something. who the hell isn't familiar with anti-depressants as a common thing now?

 

[Tude]

I would think maybe the 2nd date. I think that's a pretty important detail to omit.

 

[powdakilla]

Yeah, it makes sense just to put it out there I guess. It's hard because I just moved to a small mountain community, filled with skiers and climbers, where the men are all super rugged, and the women seem to like them this way. I've never met anyone with my lifestyle (a mountain guy) who takes meds and sometimes gets really down on life. Obviously they are out there, but it's definitely not talked about like in some of the other social and work circles I have been exposed to. And sometimes stories about being crazy are really funny as well. I have a date in a week, And I'll just casually throw something out about my therapist or something. Maybe that can be my niche in town. Not the best one to have....

 

[helium-4]

I personally am very open with my severe ADHD. More likely this actually hurts the possibility of forming relationships both romantically and friendly. I've seen studies of individuals with ADHD are likely to be perceived as unlikable/rejected by their peers or ignored, less trusted and have negative conflict resolution styles in a romantic relationship with non-ADHD individual, little positive interaction or desire to be engaged socially by others resulting from a a-typical social behaviors and/or negative physical expressions (may not be know to ADHD), and prolonged negative perception of self (or to high of a perception of themselves) and of others upon them that perpetuates the social isolation. This makes creating relationships or overcoming their social dysfunctional behavior, even when the desire to is extremely strong, progressively hard. Individuals with ADHD (with differences among subtypes) are accompanied with negative social behaviors, for example difficulty dealing with rejection, poor handling of criticism, passive or aggressive means of avoiding/"solving" conflicts, comorbid conditions, bothersome traits (tics/ movements, losing focus on individuals communicating with them, impatience [(interrupting, anger from having to wait], etc.). The severity of the ADHD as well of the subtype have shown to have some differences in symptoms that can alter the social aspects. For example a ADHD-IA (primarily inattentive) don't experience peer-rejection or are disliked, they isolate themselves from their peers, and have negative views of their peers decreasing any desire to interact. Those with ADHD-C (combined) are generally seen to be more aggressive and hyper active (notably when they are children), this can result in peer-rejection and a generally dislike from their peers. Romantic relations are also influenced differently by the subtype and severity. ADHD-C are more likely to have more relationships/sexual interactions, but the relations ships are quick to destroy it's self, as well as lack much meaning behind them, compared to ADHD-IA and non-ADHD individuals. ADHD-IA are less likely to have romantic relationships, and struggle to progress them from short term to long term relationships due to their social troubles (see the second link to get the specifics), but once in a long term relationship, they are more likely to be seen on the level of non-ADHD individuals in terms of healthiness/success of the relationship.

Anyway, like I was saying before the big explanation of potential ADHD social troubles, I tell people I have ADHD-C (but leans heavily to IA), and this is probably causing me problems that I wasn't aware of. College students in general (atleast according to one study below) have a stigma against individuals with ADHD. In college I had minimal interactivity with women on any other level than friendship (even then I only had a couple female friends), the stigma could have play a roll, but I also would attribute it to other traits. I would have a body language that majority of the time I didn't know what exactly I was saying, and in general I dislike people very much, resulting in a first impression for class mates/partiers that would severely limit my desire to bother see if my assumptions were right or wrong. I don't have the best understanding of how to execute "normal" social behavior, I some trouble properly expressing myself, I am very sensitive to being criticized, I have little patience, a terrible conflict resolution skills (for one, I try to immediately solve the issue, not giving any time for each of us), I zoning out in the middle of a conversation, I constantly have to move/fidget, other mental health problems, and get to into the individual I'm involved with or interested in, etc.

I know I should probably not be as open with it, but I don't find the fact that I have ADHD to be an issue. I mean it sucks alot, but it is who I am. I feel like if someone want to be get to know me they need to know the major things about me. However, now I'm thinking I'm going to wait till tell individuals until I've formed a solid relationship (not class buddy, some one from a party). The same goes for my drug use. If you want to be my friend, you have have understand that I do, do drugs. I'll start off just saying I smoke weed (instead of drinking), and have had a psychedelic experience. If they are one of my real good friends you are required to know that I am the druggy that I am.

*Some sources with some good information supporting my experience with ADHD and relationship.*


ATTENTION-DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER, STRESS, AND QUALITY OF
LIFE IN ADULTHOOD - A thesis from the university I attended

Committed Romantic Relationships in Couples with ADHD: Subtypes, Conflict Resolution and Satisfaction - Another thesis from the same university.

 

[GoddessLSD-XTC]

if u'r not mentally ill, u'r braindead or ignorant: yeah i'm depressed but who wouldn't be unless . . . .

 

[TheLostBoys]

Ive dated a girl years back that had issues with cutting & depression. She told me up front that she had depression issues but she was so hot, I didnt care until 2 months down the line, she surprised me with her cutting. Sent me pics on my computer of cutting herself because we had gotten in an argument. That scared the shit out of me.

Its good to lay it all out by the 2nd or 3rd date............but preferably by the 2nd date because she may start to like you.

 

[ZombieK]

That is personal information you do not have to disclose to anyone right away. I waited a month of dating before telling the guy I am seeing my personal issues. If the person you are seeing can not accept what you tell them about yourself or they leave you then good riddance. Why would you want a close minded judgmental person in your life anyway. Fuck them. You will find someone that accepts you 100% it just takes time. Now if you are saying you want to be honest up front that can look bad on you, only in the sense that you do not want to lead with, "Hi my name is so and so and I am a bit crazy, do you mind?" You know what I mean. Get to know the person some and feel them out and when you form a bond or trust tell them then.

 

[Lysis]

This is kinda why I like a first date to be dinner. I can still have a cocktail to loosen up, but I'm eating and it's not like a bar where you just keep drinking. I'm pretty talkative one-on-one, so I ask all kinds of questions. Sometimes, huge red flags go up. I don't really drop any personal issues on them, because most of them are work-related bitchfests that they probably don't want to hear. :D

 

[Web]

I don't see a problem with it, especially if you are on your meds and stay on them. I've always put it right up front... I have clinical depression, but I take my pills like a good boy and for the most part I'm good to go.

Then again, A LOT of mentally ill people get into a few good months and decide they can handle life on their own again and stop taking their meds, especially people suffering from bi-polar disorders. Then there are the ones that get tired of being tied down to meds their whole life and go off 'em (done this a couple of times myself). Or there is a problem with money or prescriptions or insurance and they can't get their meds anymore.

I think I would give someone the benefit of the doubt for a little while... Wait and see if they handle their shit, make sure they are trustworthy enough to stick to the meds and or councilling. They'd have to earn my trust before I let myself get serious about them.

 

[llama112]

I'd say after a few dates. Definitely not "first date" material, but I wouldn't want to go more than a month without telling them (figuring that you're seeing the person somewhat regularly).
My boyfriend had/has depression (not as bad anymore) but he didn't tell me for a while. It depends how severe it is. He won't take meds for it, and it is definitely manageable, so it is OK that he didn't tell me right away.
Make sure you tell him/her when you start getting relatively serious

 

[thujone]

Sometimes, huge red flags go up.

Yeah I trust the red flags myself. If a girl told me on the first date she has all kinds of mental issues I'd probably bail without sticking around to find out about them, but if we've gotten to know each other a bit first and then she told me I probably wouldn't assume it to be so serious if I could be completely oblivious of it myself without her pointing it out. I wouldn't consider it leading me on to wait because everyone has quirks and usually incompatibility quirks pop up as red flags of their own accord. As for other quirks, well, some people consider them endearing.

 

[lola]

SplatChrome - my partner of 2 years has pretty serious ADHD, not sure which type as we diagnosed him together based on his odd behaviour and history of being massively hyperactive all his life and being unable to hold down regular jobs or traditional types of relationships. I'm a therapist so have enough understanding of the issues to be pretty sure this is the issue for him, and once I've made him do some reading on the subject it was such a relief for him to realise what is "wrong" with him or why he thinks differently from other people... of course, first time I sent him the information it was in one long paragraph, so he read the first half and wandered off lol, I had to read it out to him! He's a martial arts instructor and sorted out most of his ADHD issues through exercise, though he still struggles a lot with attention and organisation. I'm however mega organised and quite maternal so happy to help him with this, and he helps me by being supportive and sweet and caring and amazingly versatile in bed (a plus with ADHD - sex never gets repetitive!!) so... you really need to think about your area difference as an advantage, it can make you creative, inventive and pretty exciting to be around IME.

To the OP - even though I work in mental health I really hate the term "mental illness". We're all different, and as part of your personality there are things in life you find difficult and which affect you more than others. I'd assume that your difficulties also make you more sensitive and perceptive and less judgemental than a lot of other people. You've had life experiences and struggles which make you better able to understand others because you know how it feels when things are really shit. This can make you a better partner than many other men and, as a woman, I love dating a guy who can openly talk about things like feelings and emotional states. I wouldn't say "hi, I'm mentally ill", but I would hint that you have good times and not-so-good times, that you are sensitive and at points life is a bit of a struggle and that, yeah, you're having therapy/medications for this so that it doesn't disrupt things too much in your life. I often find such personal matters come up organically in conversation quite early on in dating if you get along with the person and conversation flows... so I'd really decide according to the vibes and the connection between you. You hardly want a narrow-minded prejudiced bigot, so really you're checking the other person out to see if they're trustworthy as much as they are checking you out; it's all part of the process of getting to know a new person.

 

[rakeone]

For a relationship, you gotta be honest pretty fast.. for sex, never ever tell about it :D

 

[wizekrak]

Usually when it feels right, which is usually when I feel comfortable enough that I trust someone or want to spend a significant amount of time with them. I figure they better know what they are getting themselves in to. Usually it comes up within the first couple dates. If there's alcohol involved I'm a total open book, its my truth serum. Granted I've never been diagnosed with anything formally but I'm definitely eccentric and have had my bouts with depression and anxiety, especially in my teens and early to mid twenties. For the most part I'm an open book about my idiosynchrasies and some of my questionable past behaviour. I'm definitely a case of like attracts like in that the women who are drawn to me or pursue me are usually similar high powered mutants or strange birds. So in that case personal information actually usually serves as a conversation facilitator rather than a red flag. But at this point I just assume that anyone who is interested in me has some large skeleton in their closet thats just dying to get out.