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When to bring up my addiction?

falsifiedhypothesi

falsifiedhypothesi

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Feb 22, 2014
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Detroit MI
I just got into a relationship with a girl i have been after for the past year, i'm feeling really good about the whole thing. I'm not sure when i should bring up my addiction, i know it's inevitably going to lead to lying and a little sneaking around.

I'm not sure how to approach this dilemma.
 
First of all, do you want to do anything about your addiction? If yes, she could help. If no, she'll need to really love you for you.

Assuming you don't stop - in a perfect world, you'd want to let her fall for you a bit first before telling her, so that it would counteract any negative consequences. But this isn't an ideal world. BUT, if it's been a whole year since you knew her, this may actually be her falling in love.

If you must sneak around, that is when you must tell, IMO.

1). She'll respect honesty
2). If she leaves, she wasn't meant to love an addict.
3). She may even want to stay with you and help you.

Regardless of if you quit or not, she needs to know so that she can make an informed decision on whether you're worth the time and effort. Think about it from her perspective - she needs someone who has stable finances and stable emotional states.

I know you've been chasing her, so here's what you can say - "We've known each other for years, and i've been an addict the whole time. You now are in a relationship with an addict. Does that hurt you, or do you feel motivated to help me get through this?"

Let me know your thoughts and concerns.
 
I'm actively, although not with the greatest enthusiasm, tapering right now. I'm doing this mostly for myself but partially for her, i don't want to be is a burden to her.

I think you're right, when the time comes where i have to lie or sneak around then i have to lay my cards on the table. I feel like a shithead for saying that but i don't know if i'll have the nerve to tell her before that point.

No one in my life knows the full extent of my addiction.
 
I think being friends is a little different than being in a romantic relationship. I've just now realized i'm already doing a little sneaking around since i dose every 3-4 hours. I have no idea what i'm going to do.
 
falsifiedhypothesi said:
I'm actively, although not with the greatest enthusiasm, tapering right now. I'm doing this mostly for myself but partially for her, i don't want to be is a burden to her.

I think you're right, when the time comes where i have to lie or sneak around then i have to lay my cards on the table. I feel like a shithead for saying that but i don't know if i'll have the nerve to tell her before that point.

No one in my life knows the full extent of my addiction.
Click to expand...

Nice one, falsified. I rekon nobody tapers with enthusiasm(lol) but you seem to have found a reason (even if that reason is finding whats good for you, in another atm- after the taper and when you get sober; things will be clearer for you and you will have the control of mind to make decisions based on what sits right with you, as you are).

Thing is, you are stuck in a shitty situation and you need a motivation to get-out and you found a reason - your partner is the motivation - it will hurt them, if they know and if they dont know, it will too. So, fundamentally you got to use this potential to get yourself in to what you need for your own welfare - its not ideal but once you keep your awareness to the paradox; and not collapse into, excuses toward 'winning', you'll be doing both of you a justice, imo.

So, either way do what you need to do to get yourself well ( just dont fool yourself into thinking you can control the outcome - concentrate on what matters to you and if your partners welfare matters then, do what you need to do to prove yourself to yourself, in that context.)
...and when you do; whatever the outcome; you can always make amends, after. It's a process and the outcome is always uncertain - anyone who tells you different is full-of it.

I was on both ends of this type of situation and there is no straight easy, solution imho... BUT nothing good/worthwhile ever comes easy. Main thing is, get yourself ok - it will be the best result for both of you either way. It may take time to feel alive and in-control of yourself but it sounds like you need to start the process unfolding now. Promise.

That's what I'd go for.


Good luck mate. <3
 
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I've been lucky enough not to be addicted to anything so far in my life, at least, not anything considered socially unacceptable in most circles, but I have unintentionally sabotaged a couple of almost-relationships by talking about my drug use a little too early, and probably a little too enthusiastically. I was asked point blank by one girl a few years ago if hypothetically, if I ever cared about someone enough and they asked me not to use drugs again (except caffeine and alcohol, obviously 8)), if I would do it, and basically told her flat out no I wouldn't, ended things there, and that was the last time I ever saw or spoke to her.

At the time I felt pretty good about it, but now I've been single for a while I do question if that was the right move... I guess brutal honesty can be a good thing but I do wonder occasionally if with that particular girl I should have been a bit less honest, at least until we knew each other better and were more established so I'd have more chance of swaying her ingrained prejudices.

So anyway I guess my advice would be wait until you feel like she knows you well enough, and you have enough of a bond that she wouldn't have a total knee-jerk reaction to your addiction. I guess your situation is a little different to mine in that it's arguably a medical issue rather than a light fanaticism about certain classes of drugs, so for some people that might make a difference.

Have you ever discussed drugs in a more abstract way with her, ie, her views on current global drug policies, her own opinions or experiences with particular classes of substances? This would probably be a good way to gauge the kind of reaction that she will have. But yeah, it's hard to say IMO, and overall probably more dependent on her own views and feelings about you than it is about the way you break the news to her (although obviously this latter factor is worthy of some consideration as well).
 
No i've never discussed that kind of stuff with her but i do think that would be a good way to gauge her opinion. She's generally very accepting of people but i decided last night that i'm not going to say anything until a little farther into the relationship.

Maybe i can even be off of opiates completely before i tell her,. It makes me want to take my taper much more seriously but i'm already at the point of starting to get pretty uncomfortable every 4-5 hours i don't have it.
 
If i was doing a rapid taper i could justify using another drug to help but i'm a pretty high dose and i'd really rather ween slowly rather then drop it all in a week. If i used anything else for this taper i'd end up taking it for about a month, which will just lead to another addiction.
 
cant u taper with pods or something that is oral that lasts for ages

they're very easy to taper with cos they slowly descend rather than drop

sounds like ur taking a drug with a really rapid drop off

regular dosing adds to the psychological pull


i would wait cos opiate addiction is a sore subject- get closer to your goal without putting pressure on yourself

honestly i had a relationship break up for many reasons but a flippant one off "oh i'm gonna do this next weekend" was enough to tip the scales

so in that regard i would wait untill your taper is more successful and further progressed.

if she finds out in the meantime it means your too into it anyway. getting caught is the mark of an out of control behaviour pattern
 
OP - Just curious, but I don't think I saw in the thread what drug you are currently addicted to. Sounds like some kind of opiate by the way you speak of tapering etc. but just thought I'd ask, if you don't mind revealing details like that. Thanks and I wish you the best of luck!
 
Yikes that's hard.. I mean hiding something big like that? If and when it comes out..... she will probably feel very "lied to"....
 
I think hiding it would be the first time you're high around her. I'd say with exception to the first date. She will find out eventually, you're trying to quit anyway, and you want her to love you for you.

All good reasons to come clean, IMO.
 
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