Men in Black 3
The worst of the series.
I give it (a generous) 1.5 stars.
Dark Shadows
Bottom of the barrel Burton/Depp collaboration. JD, wearing a lot of make-up, makes up as much as he can for what is, otherwise, a wholly unlikable film. The plot rambles incoherently. The film doesn't know what it is. Almost completely void of redeemable qualities, in a world full of mediocre vampire films and television shows, "Dark Shadows" is an unjustifiable venture.
Werewolves, vampires, bad jokes, blue make-up: go fuck yourself, Burton; you arrogant cunt.
0.5 stars.
Peep World
Despite the overwhelmingly bad reviews, it has far more going for it than most of the predictable template crap that Hollywood produces.
3 stars.
The Two Jakes (otherwise known as Chinatown 2)
Nicholson attempts to revive Jake Gittes by producing and directing a sequel to Polanski's "Chinatown". Although the film (a notorious misfire among critics and cinephiles) ends Nicholson's short and unimpressive career on "the wrong side of the camera", it isn't quite as bad as I'd been lead to believe. My Dad, traumatized as he was, like a "Star Wars" fan post-"Menace", warned me a thousand times when I was growing that it was one of the worst films ever made. Consequently: I was afraid of tainting my idolization of Nicholson; and, for most of my life, have avoided watching "The Two Jakes".
I figured it would be like seeing a fat wheezing Marlon Brando, or listening to any of David Bowie's last five or six albums. Like seeing Daniel Day-Lewis taking a shit on P.T. Anderson's face. Or Iggy Pop singing a fucking duet. But, it's not like any of that. When I first saw Day-Lewis squatting on top of Anderson, something died inside of me. Whereas, Nicholson is still very much alive.
"The Two Jakes" doesn't ooze style and it lacks the brutality of "Chinatown". It doesn't live up to the masterpiece that inspired it, but it functions as an entertaining and watchable film. Compared to "Chinatown", it is terrible; but, on it's own it is better than average.
If "Phantom Menace" (frame for frame, exactly as it is) was the first Star Wars film ever produced, it would have received more of a positive reaction.
"Two Jakes": Two Point Five Stars.