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What's going on in your life?

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where to start...

i've been unemployed for nearly a year and and beginning to worry that i'm over-qualified and underskilled and, basically unemployable. oh well.

my girlfriend and i have just agreed to take a break. it worries me because i know a lot of couples agree to take a break only because they really want to break up and they're too scared to admit it. we love each other and we're committed to using this break as time to do some personal work on the road to getting back together and fixing things between us but i can't shake certain bad feelings. oh well.

i can't make rent this month and my unemployment runs out next month. oh well.

i've come to the conclusion, for reasons i can't really explain, that i'm going to have to miss burning man this year. it's important to me and it will suck big time not to go but i guess i have to get over that. oh well.

oh well.

alasdair
 
well i finished my first year of college :) woohoo! ended with a decent gpa--- mostly A's but nothing less than a C, thank goodness!

being back home has its ups and downs. it's more physically comfortable but less mentally comfortable. my mom always gets in my business (im almost 20 and she still searches my purse and car!) and they, of course, blame me for everything.

i feel 100000% healthier since the food at home is all good stuff, not soaked in oil and butter and such. oh course, being at home gives me more time to take advntage of my gym membership as well. soooooo glad to join my old summer buddies in fitness yoga:)

i love my friends back here, too.

carolyn and i have been inseperable the past 6 nights (going on 7 tonight!) and she's become my tanning partner again. it reminds me of last year... she'd sneak out of school with me (i had early release) and we'd smoke a bowl and drive to barberton to go tanning. we're so alike, i missed her like CRAZY! tay and j are inseperable...

i don't see much of tay unless she's with j. it's disappointing but i get along with justin really well so i guess it's cool. last night, though, she and i went to timbertop to chill with caro and these kids carolyn and i met last night heh.

just last night i found out joe starts school or whatnot to firefight tehehe TODAY! i was so happy for him. he's been talking about this for over a year and now with him actually doing it, i really see him prospering.

the best news: my bestest friend katie comes home from england TODAY!!!!!!! she's been over there for school since january... oh my god i am soooooooo excited. we're going to hilton head together just like the summer before last, and hitting up coventry road and DMB and radiohead... wow. im too excited.

the school year kind of separated us four girls (tay, carolyn, katie and i) but i have a feeling this summer things will go right back to where they started... it's really odd, because none of us have many girl friends. also, all of us hated each other at one point before we started hanging out... crazy.

jordan is coming into town from saint louis this friday. i havn't seen him in almost a year--- last time i visited him in michigan, joe came and got me and brought me home. we've been talking a lot more though, and i think things are looking better. i could marry that boy i think.

joe's starting to date this girl... who really is a sweetheart and a really pretty girl... she's awesome, actually, but it just bothers me. i've got this really biased opinion of their realtionship because yeah... i DO still have a twinge of feelings for the guy. it's just frustrating, but i'm alright.

i've had soooooo much trouble looking for a job, ive sent out my resume to 892659 different places (actually 12) and submitted applications to almost 20 places. plus, i've sat down and had informail interviews with a few of the managers of small coffee houses. i hate to do this but i'll probably get a job at starbucks... they are really intrested in hiring me and i'm sure i'll make some decent money there. *sigh*

so i'm probably transferring back to akron, and getting my own place around campus. i thought about getting my dental assistant certification, but mom doesnt think that's a good idea for me. she says i'm "above that" and i need to stay with a traditional college schedule.

i just wanna get out of ohio. as much as i love fairlawn (in fact, i was driving around the other day and it was so beautiful and it just screamed santa barbara) i need to get out! blah.

i ran into one of my ex summer flings last weekend. he's such a cutie, but i dont know if we're meant to date exclusively. we'll just have to see :)
 
Hey Guys

I can't believe it's already June. Almost Summertime. It's actually really gloomy near the beach.... Work is going very well. I still work both jobs but only go to the waitress job when I need the extra money. Home life is okay, the past few weeks me and my sister have been fighting more often which is stressful and tiring. I'm thinking about moving in a few months- we'll see. It's time for a change, I'm not exactly sure what but old ways of doing things and dealing with things and people are just old. I'm bored of it. I'm scheduled to start school in September- I want to work hard for what I want. I'm tired of waiting or settling

I've learned how much freedom honesty gives me. Maybe I'm growing up.. 8( =D

Me and my friend Stephen have been through a lot always with a lot of laughter though and we've been growing very close to each other and contemplating future plans. I love him very much but not sure if we want the same things yet, last thing I want is to push and pull someone -he's my best friend and I wouldn't want to change much about him but I'm moving on from some things and I'd like to see him come with me. .

I'm going to Florida(boring Orlando) tommorow for a trade show and I got a raise. Woop woop wut wut ;)

I should work out, run or join yoga...rrrr

Hope everyone is doing well :)
 
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Whoot!

Life is good. We finally open. My hubby is excited, happy, etc. and so am I



:)
 
I am now in my 7th month of my pregnancy! This belly was growing by the day, but seems to be at a little hault lately! My little boy has been getting more active by the day it seems. As for to do with my pregnancy, besides still having morning sickness...Morning, Afternoon, and Night....all is doing great!

I am beginning to be able to hear from the daddy-to-be alot more lately. Last week I didn't go get my blood work done the morning that I was supposed to because I woke up, and knew if I left I would miss his call, and I was right, I would have! That day we finally decided a name for our little angel....KAIDEN JAMES VINCENT MC*****! The next day, I woke up randomly at 4 a.m., was laying there thinking he was going to call, and the phone rang. Freaky I was thinking. Then yesterday, My aunt's phone rang (business line I don't answer), I thought as it was ringing...that is him. I called my house and my Grandma said he had just called. As I stood in the hallway jumping up and down yelling FU**, FU**, FU**! The phone rang again, and it was him that had called a few minutes before! He says it is just another thing happening that proves to us, that this is meant to be! I have gotten 5 pictures from him now of while he has been deployed, and I tell you what.....He looks so damn YUMMY!!!! I miss him so much!

On another happy note, I will be going home to NY from the 25th of June, until the 9th of July! I am really excited! I haven't been home in over a year. My best friend from school (we became neighbors when we were 2), she is getting married in July. I was supposed to be the maid of honor, but being too close to my due date, I can't travel that far then. So no wedding for me! But, her shower is the 29th (while I am home) So she is going to pick me up from the airport adn I will get to see her, and be there for her shower. I haven't seen her in 4 years. It was so nice to talk the other day, and when I told her I was coming home, we both cried!
With being home I also get to see LP, which will be cool to be able to take some pics of both of us all pregnant together! I am really looking forward to seeing the little shit. It has been over a year, and way too long! My family I will get to see also! My sisters, and my niece, and nephews I will be so glad to see! I miss them all so much!

Besides that things here are about normal, nothing else really new! Things are slowly falling more into place, and everyday I am more and more excited and beyond happy about this little one, and my new life with him and my boyfriend! I couldn't ask for more!
 
^^^ Good to see that you're happy and doing well, Mama Twitch. We want to see pics of your and LP's big bellies. The name you chose is lovely. :D

I'm excited and happy too, with a couple exceptions. I think I'll give the good news for a change first.

I'm going to the Bay Area for an extended vacation/sabbatical. I received my boss's blessing and the promise that there will be a place for me at the firm whenever I come back... exactly what date it will be, who knows, I can't have any pressure on me right now. The guy I have been dating since March is obviously less than thrilled, but he has been incredibly understanding and says I am worth waiting for. If what we have is genuine, we will find a way to make it work wherever we are and considering he is a computer engineer and I am going to Silicon Valley, perhaps he'll be persuaded to come to the promised land ;) as well. He's amazing. I can't believe a person like him loves a person like me; I feel so unworthy of it, but I know it's my own insecurities talking. Anyways, I am just absolutely sick of Florida. I can't even begin to describe the elation I feel at being able to be away from here during the hottest, most bug-filled and disgusting part of the year. We have a vacation home in the mountains near Yosemite as well, and it will be wonderful to spend time there. Please feel free to say hi thru PM if you live in the area and know some fun things to do, as I only know a few people there. :)

Now for the shitty parts.

My ex-live in boyfriend (who is one of my best friends, we ended on good terms) donated a kidney to his mother 2 years ago. It sounds like an incredibly noble and caring act, and in his mind it was, but he freely admits that his mother would have made him feel like shit for the rest of his life if he didn't donate, so he did it. In the testing process he had some results that were borderline (protein in the urine and elevated creatine), but after several retests they finally got numbers that were supposed to be OK, so they proceeded with the surgery. His mother has not rejected the kidney and is doing better than expected. The surgery was performed at one of the top transplant centers in the US, and every possible contingency was supposed to have been met before they started taking fricken kidneys out. Allegedly, the disorder Mom had was not genetic, but this can't be proven and although I maintained a positive attitude toward the surgery, I knew there was the caveat that he might have subsequent problems and I had recurring nightmares about it for months.

Now, my recurring nightmares may be coming true.

Recently "J," who is 27 and has always been active, has become bedridden to the point he is unable to drive and pretty much unable to walk because his legs are in so much pain. He has gone to a nephrologist (kidney dr) and they ran some tests but the results have not yet come back. Perhaps it's just a kidney infection, but perhaps it is one of the rare circumstances where someone who probably should not have been a donor in the first place had a kidney harvested that he really needed. (Note that in general, kidney donation is relatively safe and most donors never experience any problems.)

I'll edit this to post an update once the test results come in, but for now I am soooo concerned. I don't want to see J suffer. I hate to believe that no good deed goes unpunished because it's such a shitty, jaded way to look at things. It bothers me greatly that people who are complete assholes get away with what they do but that someone who literally gave a piece of himself ends up with what likely is a pretty substantial problem.

There is just no fricken justice in the world.

I am trying not to let it get me down too much and trying to look toward the future with hope, because I am about to embark upon an adventure that will take me away from everything I have known for 9 years. It's both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I have 2 1/2 weeks to pack all my stuff into storage and sell my car, not to mention tying up loose ends at work. For the first time in 9 years, I will be living somewhere other than Florida and it feels great because this place sucks. :p

Sweetpea, it's great you're starting school again. Education has been the catalyst of many positive changes in my life. :)

FD- work it girl! Have an awesome summer having fun with your friends. :)

and alasdair- I'm not going to feed you any bullshit one might find on a Hallmark card. All I will say is, this too shall pass, and you will be a stronger person for it. Keep your chin up. The world is a better place with you in it, even if you're stuck feeling down. :)

EDIT: I forgot to post this edit before, so spank me. ;) J is doing well. His additional blood work indicated no problems, and he's feeling much better. The docs in their infinite wisdom think it's just exhaustion. *sighs in relief*
 
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Recently, amongst all the shit thats been going on with me, I decided I need to take control of my life again, and make it what I want it to be.

My boyfriend and I have been together about 15 months, we recently were on a "break" but as of 2 days ago are back together again :) and I couldn't be happier.

I finally turned 21 yesterday, and it was the BEST birthday ever (and this is including better than when I was 7 yrs old and my mom got me a PONY for the day for my birthday party at our house, and I thought that was just the coolest thing)

I've been unemployed since January but finally got a job that so far, I LOVE! And I am just SOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy to be working again and to have a steady paycheck again.

Unfortunetly I'm having a lot of trouble financially and might be filing for bankruptcy, but I am at least taking hold of my debt and handling my shit.

And I've just sort of had this overall epiphany or something. For months I had been super-depressed, crying a lot, feeling totally lost. Then from out of nowhere came this incredible motivation for me to change, and along with that a wave of happiness unlike any I've ever felt.

My older sister as well as my best girlfriend are pregnant...so soon I will be an aunt as well as a god mother :) which I think will be pretty cool.

I've made a resolution to NEVER do drugs AGAIN (and I've been struggling with a crystal meth addiction for about 2 years :( ) but I have finally reached the point where I have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE to do drugs ever again. I like being normal. I like going through life with control of my mind, body, and emotions. So I think for once, this resolution will stick. (I've tried to quit b4 but it never lasted that long).

Along with the quitting of the drugs came my decision to stop going to parties. Its been 2+1/2 years and the parties just seem to be losing their luster. I just don't care about going to them anymore. The music doesn't captivate me as much as I used to. Dancing isn't providing me the release it used to. And if I'm going to stop doing drugs, I don't even want to be around them. Not so much for temptation (I think I can handle it) but just b/c I dont' want to be around people on drugs. I've decided I'm going to Starscape in September b/c its probably the biggest partie in this area, we haven't had many good parties around here lately, and its like one last hurrah for me. Actually...my boyfriend told me yesterday that as long as his business does well this summer, and he earns enough money, he is taking me on an all expenses paid trip to IBIZA!!! Which I'm more or less going to consider my "retirement party" from the world of electronic music. :)

I've decided to get back into swimming on a regular basis. I was on swim team from age 5 to age 18, and I was a lifeguard from age 15-19. I basically lived in a pool. So did my sister...and we both want to buff up a little. hehe. So we are going to be pool buddies and get into swimming laps again. I miss the water. Swimming to me isn't just exercise, its like my form of relaxation and meditation (and a killer calorie burner as well!)

I guess thats about it. There are a lot of things going on with me. I am making a lot of monumental personal changes but I'm not scared, I'm happy :)
 
^^^ It's sooo good to hear your doing good starlight. Im so happy for you and your decision to kick the meth thing. I know how hard it was and Im glad you found it in you to do it!!!

Mariposa...I am compiling some pics of Twitchy and I so you can see our fat bellys :) Should be up soon, Ill let ya know!!!

As for news on my end. I absolutely love my job which makes life sooo much better. Im moving just before the baby arrives to a town house with my sister. Im excited about this to be getting back out on my own again. The town house is great I love it. We are moving about 2 weeks before the little one arrives.

Besides working and planning for his arrival life is pretty uneventful. I get more and more excited as the days pass. In less than 3 months my little guy will be here :) My belly like Twitchs seems to have haulted in growth for awhile, which is releaving I am turning into a house. It will be interesting to get pics of the two of us together! Im excited about her arrival in NY... We haven't seen each other in over a year. I have missed her.

My only complaint about life right now is that Im having some trouble moving on after losing someone I love dearly out of my life completely. It was my fault things didn't work out and for months it didn't bother me, or at least I didn't let it. Now Im having trouble dealing with not having him as my own anymore. I know it's a little late:\ I should have dealt with it when it happened. Now I can't seem to get him outta my head. It's a terrible feeling that I haven't let myself go thru in years. I'm sure I'll make it through. Im just wishing now I had taken my second chance at making things right. I guess I just have the need for some closer I know I won't get...

Life goes on as usual though!!!

~LP
 
finally some good news in my life!

O my god, oh my god oh my god!!!!

I'm so excited. I've just been offered an interview for my DREAM JOB.... PR for a wine company!

Alcohol and writing - my two great loves, joined together in such a wonderful way ;). PLUS, it pays $10 grand more than my current job, and it's located around the corner from where my boyfriend is currently studying for uni. Which means we can catch a train into the city together & home again.

=D =D =D =D =D =D

I have to get this job. Wish me luck everyone.

*crosses fingers, toes and every other extremity available*
 
OMG... wine and getting paid for it! I'm so incredibily JEALOUS!!

Good luck! :)

*crosses fingers for you*
 
*LittlePrincess* said:
^^^ It's sooo good to hear your doing good starlight. Im so happy for you and your decision to kick the meth thing. I know how hard it was and Im glad you found it in you to do it!!
Click to expand...

Thank you :) I'm so glad I finally found the inspiration and motivation to do it!!

I'm actually considering trying to find a place where maybe I can try and help others through their recoveries. You know like a support group or unofficial counseling or something. Even though my own recovery is just starting, I want to help others who need help!
 
Dana

Out with the old, in with the new... since my girlfriend dumped me, my life has changed drastically. A whole new chapter you might say.

After living with her for 4 months (the last 2 being a living hell), she dumped me and decided to run home for a little sanctuary. Sounded like a good idea to me, so I did the same thing... so now I'm back in Texas with my family and everything is groovy. I've decided to go back to broadcasting school (I'd been kicked out for not paying tuition a while ago, but they've re-accepted me into the program). I could have done it in Virginia... but there were too many bad memories there.

Had my first date with Dana last night, went to see Bruce Almighty. She is b-e-a-utiful and interesting (a nursing student), and wants to see me again. =D Life is looking good.

Now all I have to do is deal with that job thing again. Wish me luck kidz!
 
SLM, Good luck with the job interview, if it's not too late. :)

Web, I wish you luck in finding a job and in everything else that seems to be going on for you right now. :)
 
^^^
Thankyou. Actually I thought I completely buggered up the interview... it involved a writing test, and the second part where I had to edit an article, I completely froze up and couldn't do it. Fortunately, the recruitment interviewer had taken a shine to me and allowed me extra time to complete it.

I still thought I'd fucked up good and proper. But this morning I just got a call - the company wants to meet me!

:o :o :o

I am soooo nervous... this will be such a big change of scene, responsibility... I am really scared of succeeding now, isn't that ironic.

I guess it's always much safer and more comfortable to stay where you are... particularly as just this week my company gave me another payrise. But I'm determined to work past that fear and go for it. If I don't, I don't know when another opportunity like this might come along again.

thanks for your best wishes guys! :D I'll let you know how the 2nd interview goes.
 
it's all about self-belief slm, if you think you're worth it, then go in there as if the job's already yours. it's all about self respect, and being courageous enough to do the hard work required to acheive your dreams.

anyhow, whooooooooooooot!! my life couldn't be any better at the moment. i have finally found a woman that loves me lots and lots and lots =D. believe me, to say that i am shocked is an understatement :p. plans are well underway for out trip to melbourne in late august, and by all accounts and aspirations, it will be a hectic and sleepless ten days ;). work has been good also, meaning i'm making the money i will spend once in melbourne, but c'est la vie, money's made for spending. basically, i feel fantastic, and things are only looking up.
 
.....Mariposa, I wish you the best on your adventures to the bay area! Keep your head high, and let your life take you where it goes. Just packing up and going where ever I want, when I want (which I was very good at) is definitely one thing that being a mother will make me miss!

.....LP, I love ya girl....keep strong for you and my lil' nephew! I know you miss that someone alot hun, but I promise you that one day Mr. Right will come along, and he will be just perfect for you! Always just be yourself, and no-one could ever not love you! And btw...you better be sitting on your arse doin' nottin'...doctor's orders, we don't need that lil' boy too early!

.....Starlight, I am really proud of you! I know myself how hard it is to kick meth, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and honestly if it wasn't for my lil' boy, I would still be there doing it! I know you have it in you! Stay strong!

.....SLM, I hope all went well in your second interview too! Believe in yourself and you can get what you want!

Well, for me...I am currently in NY visiting! It is great to see my family and lots of friends that I haven't seen in forever. Seeing my best friend from my childhood was a little hard for both of us! We both cried over and over and just told eachother how much we wished we could still be around eachother. It is crazy, next month she is getting married, and me a month later I will be having my lil' boy! I really miss her alot!
Seeing LP, has been great! I love that girl, and her family to death! They mean more to me than they could ever know! I really miss being around LP, and think alot how great it would be to be able to raise our boys around one another. But, now we will have places to go on vacation to.
My baby's daddy...well, things got a bit sticky for a couple days, I honestly thought that i had lost the one person that I thought I would have forever. I have never felt such a connection with one person as I have felt with Geoffrey. I literally sat here for 2 days, sick to my stomach, crying 90% of the time! I have never been one to trust people. I have been screwed over, and lied to way to much. It all come's down to one thing though, TRUST...and for the first time in my life, I trust someone...I trust him!
Being with him honestly makes me for the first time, completely satisfied with my life. Now if only he could be home with me! 4 more months.... :(
I have discovered finally that my life has a purpose, that I am not just hear to drift along the way! My new life is about to begin...i njsut months to come, I will have my lil' boy, and his daddy right here by my side! Nothing has ever made me feel as special as hearing him cry on the phone and tell me that he really thinks that I am the one, and that we can do this...promising that we will never be apart from one another like this ever again!
Jess, I know you say you don't like him because of all that has recently happened, and because you are jsut being a friend and don't want to see me hurt...I promise that when you meet him though, you will see just how perfect we are together, and you will see why I actually trust him! :o :o :o

I hope everyone has a great Independence day....for the first time in 7 years, I am sober today! lol ;)
 
My leave's been approved, my air tickets all booked and paid for, work's going well and apparently I'll be promoted to assistant manager within the next 4 months!!!! =D

Things are going really well now, there's a wonderful man waiting for me. I've overcome that bout of depression that haunted me for so long, and have started making plans to better my life and the big move overseas. Basically taking more responsibility for my life now more than ever.

And just waiting for when I get off the plane and into his arms :) and catching up with all my friends :D
 
Home on the Range

It's been awhile since I've been in touch with any bluelighters... but I have a good reason. I'm in the middle of rural Illinois with no access to a computer. I do have tons of access to corn and cows, though. Any friends can go ahead and try to email me, but my account gets so large that some emails don't come through.

It looks like I'll be a truck stop waitress or a biker bar wench. Another chalk mark on the board entitled "Experience." ;)

On the upside I've found a cheap, recently remodeled studio apartment over a small town grocery store. And there are no state car inspections here! :D :D :D Hopefully my loan for community college will go through and I'll be attending in 5 weeks or so. If that works, then I'll be getting a computer in my house. One year of comm. college and I'll have my associate degree (English) which I hope to transfer to a Chicago school to major in journalism. I'm thinking the severe isolation of the area will force me to study my behind off. Once I get more established I'll be making rounds to Chicago, St. Louis, and Indianapolis to visit civilization... Hopefully some great events will be coming up. If any of you live around these areas and can give me a heads up on places to go, drop a line - [email protected]

p.s. Prairie sunsets are awfully loverly.
 
^^^ Still have your books girl! Drop me an email and I promise they'll find their way back to you someday soon. Still re-reading parts of the one on language, and I've shared the other with a few people. Many beautiful discussions have come from Phaedra, along with dreams I thought I'd lost, and I thank you for that. We've indirectly influenced each other's lives this past year, mostly through the hearts we've known, and maybe we'll talk about that one day. Maybe we never will. But we can still write a hell of a screen-play!

MissTwitch: Oh sweetheart! You've the awesome gift + responsibility of raising a child and teaching him how to be a good man. I wish all the blessings of this world on you all, there is so much happiness in your future. And just think - you'll learn just as much from that boy as he from you, when all is said and done. :)

Been forever since I've sat down and put some thought into this thread, my last several responses have been purposely vague and flippant. Life has kinda been that way since I moved to SoCal. These last few weeks have been incredible for me, and the smile doesn't leave my face very often. So I'm gonna type this all out, and you can either read it all or just know that I'm happy and go about your day.

Last Monday I woke up late for work, and decided that I wasn't going in to that job anymore. No savings - hell, I don't even have a bank account - no other job lined up, but for the first time that I can remember I insisted on being happy without worrying about/planning for it. Funny thing is, I haven't had a single regret. The idea of eating bologna sandwiches for months seems like heaven compared to pretending that my intelligence is average and my outfit important. I promise to never settle again. After nine+ days of ultimate relaxation I'm considering either making pastries at the local french bakery, or scheduling appointments part-time at the salon down the street (free haircuts and plenty of room for another PT job!). Only weeks away from my 26th birthday now and although I'm behaving more irresponsibly than I ever have before, nothing feels wrong about this. I am an adult and I voluntarily trade paycheck/insurance security for a low-wage summer job.

After a year and more of trying to heal myself and leaning on the people in my life for strength, I got a letter one day releasing me from probation and all charges in the state of Florida. It was so anti-climactic! Much like the arrest itself, all of the big effects were felt days, weeks, months later. I spent January + February quietly existing, watching my new surroundings and unable to communicate even the simplest thought to anyone. Then I couldn't shut up for a while, and made dozens of maybe-plans, hung out with my friends, worked a shit job, finally hit the day where I drive around San Diego like it's normal (and don't get surprised by the incredible scenery). The last few months have meant re-evaluating every single relationship in my life - overwhelming and entirely necessary. It is humbling to differentiate between a person that I love and the love I have for them. There are still so many undecided futures as far as my friends and family, but if there was ever a reason to take my time and do something right...

So for these last few weeks of smiles and unemployment, there's been this man. He makes me really happy. It's been so long since someone made me feel sexy, so long since I woke up with another person's morning breath in my space. Not long from now he's moving to Europe, at most in a couple of months. I knew that he was leaving before I even met him, and no matter how much it might sting to see him go, he appeared at a perfect time in my life and has given me so much. One day I'll have to tell him all about that; but for today I'm going to get off this computer, kiss his cheek, and then we're going for lunch and sunshine. Sure I'll miss him when he leaves and the loneliness will take getting used to, but how could that possibly be more important than the day happening around me right now? I will be happy today and every moment that I can from now on, with as little forethought as I can get away with for a while. Some priorities are worth rearranging the universe for. And as that smiling homeless man on Venice Beach told me once,

"At the moment you forget who you are, the question still remains of who you will become."
 
Quite a bit of activity this week. Last night made my third trip to the hospital with premature labor pains and contractions. Last night being the most exciting since they made me spend the night. I don't know whether to be really worried about this or not. I don't want my son showing up almost two months early and having a fight when he gets here. But stress triggers the problem so I am trying not to worry. The baby seems fine by heartbeat monitor and movement the doctors say. My doctor really doesn't know what to tell me when I ask her why I am having to end up back in the hospital every couple of weeks. She keeps saying drink water, stay in bed and call or come in when they start again. :\ It's kinda nerve wracking but not many people I tell about it seem worried, and my doctor just says she wants to keep me monitored closely. So, I'm at a loss at what to feel about it.

Ive been taken out of work because of all the activity. So now I'm on bed rest just hanging around all day. It's sooooooo boring but if it slows things down and helps then It will be worth it. This baby needs to stay in there for almost 2 more months. Money is going to be another issue since it takes about a month and a half for me to start recieving diasability from work. Of course the father of my child is absolutely no help in that area, or any area for that matter. I have to keep telling myself I have made it alone this far, and will for the duration so I will make it through this as well.

I feel like I shouldn't even be complaining about the bad things because soon my beautiful son will be born to bless my life. That one small thing will out weigh any bad I have had to deal with in the last few months or months to come. I am still all around happy regardless of the bad things don't get me wrong. I just only have BL as a place to vent anymore I don't dare open up to the people around me.

Life really is great regardless of anything bad that comes my way. I get more and more excited everyday. Every little kick, hiccup, or rolling around I feel makes anything bad go away. My mind is 100% on this baby and how wonderful it will be to raise him, teach him, just be with him and have him need me. I can't wait to watch him for hours and hours just to learn about him and learn to communicate with him before he is even able to speak. I often spend half my day just day dreaming about little things like watching him sleep. It's so amazing that soon I will be his Mommy. The one person that he will have by his side that will provide for him and love him every minute of his life. The most wonderful thing is I will in return recieve his love endlessly. I could go on forever about how great this baby makes me feel. I have always admired anyone who has or is raising a child, now I get to expirience it first hand. To sum up all this rambling, because of the little miracle inside me I feel as if life can throw anything my way but I know now I will have the strength to make it through because my child will be depending on it. I swore from day 1 this child will have everything in life that he wants and I plan on keeping that vow. He gives me the strength I have either lacked, or let go without knowledge I had it until now.

My baby shower is coming up at the end of the month. I am excited to see all the cute things my little guy will get. That will be the extent of my outings this month with all the bed rest going on. More time for BL I guess:)

I hope you all are doing wonderful. To those of you who aren't doing so good, keep those chins up it will get better!!!

~LP
 
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