they have been okey. I can have good open conversations, but not that love and euphoria people are talking about.
Felt the magic once on a hippie flip for maybe 15 minutes. I have felt the magic og mushrooms and ayahuasca.
So now i take it with psychedelics when i dont want to have a challenging experience.
But I suspect the problem could be me. Emotional or lack of serotonin. I often get this “knot” in my stomach that i feel is standing in the way of something(when on mdma). But i have never been able to “release“ it or figur out what It is.
I have had depression for the last 8 years. Did ayahuasca 3,5 years ago that did alot to me, felt love like never before.
And i was more open and had more feelings for a long time, but it faded over time and know it feels like I’m back inside my prison for good.
Is there a letting go element like with mushrooms and lsd? Letting go doesn’t come easy for me.
There is sort of an element of letting go, but if the dose is sufficient, MDMA will just sort of force your hand, its inevitable and thats the MDMA we know and love. With sufficient and proper MDMA, the positive-emotional-buildup as it starts to take effect will overpower and likely gain majority control over your thoughts and willpower. Just judging by how incredibly uncomfortable and shitty my MDMA comeups are ("meh" or "magic"), I imagine not enough could leave you in that intense limbo state where you're resisting and it doesn't fully over power you (then dying back into a bit more enjoyable but lackluster experience). My MehDMA experiences can be described exactly as that; usual stressful comeup, that doesn't quite burst, leads to this uncomfortable intensity (positive doesn't overwhelm the uncomfy), and then it mellows out into a more enjoyable but still wanting experience. It's like, I let my knuckles go white holding on since the MDMA couldn't pull me down, eventually it pries me loose sort of, but its lost velocity and wasn't strong enough of a force.
Bolded above, this is what a come-up on MDMA can feel like for me, and then it sort of (hopefully) builds to burst. While it could be related to this magic versus meh MDMA, what you're describing sounds like what I imagine an insufficient dosage is. It just doesn't quite bust and leaves you with a bit of MDMA blue balls. I think this is exactly why lose-dose MDMA has a bad-rap, and just reading, the similarities between MehDMA experiences described in here and low-dose MDMA are pretty substantial. Low dose and "lost the magic" also have a lot of similarities, just reading. I know there plenty of anecdotes to go around that go against this as well, but food for thought.
On another related note, thread in general:
In stuff I've mentioned on here, I've certainly had friends where taking so-called mehDMA and upping the dose still doesn't do the trick, potentially ruling out weak or diluted product. My own experiences and the experiences of others around me with the same "Meh" product compared to other "Magic" product, the differences, it makes Meh versus Magic seem incredibly and almost obviously real. I won't get into this, I've written about it extensively in this thread if you want the details... In the moment, y'know what we all can remember about those times, the difference feels like night & day, it really does.
BUT...
These instances of my friends taking extra of the MehDMA, was extra
after the fact; an attempt to redeem what had already reared its head as a weak roll. So redosing way more, even early on, can't truly be the same as all at once. As in, I can't say for certain that wasn't the case. But I always take 100mg (weighed myself, or by someone I watch do it or trust), so sometimes I wonder if my own MehDMA experience was just with product of such quality that 100mg of it doesn't cross some threshold. To this day, my strongest experience with MDMA was a cap of colorless-scentless MDMA I didn't get to weigh out from someone i didn't know, in fact I even eyeball-removed some since it thought it was looking large. This was also the strongest experience with MDMA for a lot of people I was with. As in, its also quite possible I took, we took, well over our usual dose if the caps were more than the assumed 100mg. The only experience tied with this was confirmed 100mg of colorless-scentless MDMA weighed by someone I trust who had set aside this specific batch of MDMA as their own experiences and reports they received about it were exceptionally and out-of-the-ordinary good.
Research is well and good, this is an interesting topic ive invested a lot of time into and learned a lot, but I fear this is becoming a scapegoat for other various reasons some people cannot enjoy MDMA like they want to, have in the past, or have been told it should be like. If someone pointed a gun to my head, and said,
"if I give the MDMA you KNOW is 100% Magic, to the people who have been trying different MDMA batches for years on this forum that all doesn't work because its supposedly just Meh, will it work for them or not?" I'd gamble with no, its not gonna work for them. I have friends who can take, what is no less than what my large friend group of experienced psychonauts can say without a doubt is THAT GOOD SHIT, and still not have a good time for one reason or another.
EDIT: last thought here; it is 100% true across everyone I know, once you take two, one doesn't cut it anymore, no matter how long you wait. I have friends who actually weigh less than me, who early on took 2 caps or 200mg and since then 100mg is never enough.