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What is wrong with me?

C

ClassicCat

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 17, 2022
Messages
9
Ok…so I have always had a fairly healthy relationship with drugs. MDMA at a festival and coke binges with my friends were a regular part of my twenties and all whilst living a pretty productive enough life to get a good degree and do all the normal things. But…for about 7 years now, every time I do coke it seems like it affects me more than everyone else. All of my friends seem to be able to take a few lines of coke and be ok, whereas I end up being (politely) sent home. The worst thing is, I don’t really know what it is that I do to end up being shunned by people that in the light of day on a Monday afternoon would happily welcome my company. I find myself in a state of paranoia where I question whether I’m gurning too much or speaking too loud but nobody has explicitly said what I do that’s so wrong. I just know that whatever it is, suddenly I make everyone feel uncomfortable and when I say I’m going home I can see everyone breathe a sigh of relief as if to say ‘thank fuck’! A response I never get when I’m not doing gear.

Now in our thirties, coke has become a standard part of most of my social situations. My work friends love it on a Friday, my long term friends love the stuff so it’s hard for me to get involved without doing it but I know that it must change me in a way that people don’t like. I’m never rude or horrible to anyone so i don’t really know what I do to make everyone feel so uncomfortable.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has an annoying friend like me or has a similar problem…
 
Coke makes a lot of people into chatty annoying assholes. They can be incredibly abrasive to be around. I've certainly been that person before myself...

They don't really realize how much they are talking or what they are saying.

I'm not saying that's you, but you're describing it quite well.

To me it sounds like there may be some pre-existing social dynamics especially if you've known these people for many years.

moving this to Drug Culture

BDD -> DC
 
ClassicCat said:
Iwhat I do to make everyone feel so uncomfortable.
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You are not the only person who does this.
Could be many reasons. A real or imagined threat to their being or lifestyle, black/mix/white, Maybe they dont understand why you aint "in" and they do not know yet how to deal with it... are your people youngish (like 30-35?).
Be you and be true to what you hold dear. The rest is static ya gotta let it go sometimes by whatever means necessary but stay safe.
Something about "fake" around the forums somewhere imo/e fuck a bunch of plastic.
Nothin wrong with ya.
Lets reason this out, yeah?
What is your most "feared or causes the most anxiety in your life?
Mine would happen to be not able to chill with my longtime yet little family. :)
 
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Thanks so much for the responses - wow I love speed and thought I’d have to wait until the morning for some answers! I’m mixed raced, female, but tbh I do think it is more me than them… the people that I’m talking about are some of my best friends who love me sober. I’m probably the ‘chatty annoying asshole’ that snafu describes. But also, I think coke gets me into a state of social anxiety that I only have really mildly when I’m not doing lines. Maybe this makes people feel uncomfortable… I don’t know but it does get me down because I wonder why everyone else seems to create a stronger bond while on it and I find myself more separated, ostracised or alone
 
Drugs effect everyone differently, it's not some cute social rule, it's true.

Cocaine, for example, might make someone incredibly stimulated, manic, confident which usually translates into a person people don't like to be around.

Cocaine also might make someone very relaxed and quiet.

There's nothing wrong with you per se if people don't like cocaine-you, if you feel me.

Maybe you know someone who is annoying when they're super drunk, right? You'll love them in the morning but in their current state they may be insufferable.

Drugs tend to bring either the best or worst out of a person, sometimes at the same time, but people always notice the bad first.
 
ClassicCat said:
I don’t know but it does get me down because I wonder why everyone else seems to create a stronger bond while on it and I find myself more separated, ostracised or alone
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You are unique and these "bonds" that these "others" seem is usualy dependant on what they can get from feeding off each other and imo/e it is all plastic.
Well, not everything and everybody "plastic" but it is fairly obvious to me that shit aint going to easing up but damn if I believe that there is nothing to be done with all the bs.
I honestly feel better when I get igged or orverlooked... keeps these plastic mfs away from me.
Looking forward to some content that you hold and eventually share and possibly save another from feeling destitute and possibly save a mf life.
I feel your beauty as who you post regardless of substance(s) taken. Then intent of your words hold weight imo....... just gotta push ahead with ya bad self. ;)
<3

<3
 
Thanks all…this community seems cool AF. Found bluelight by typing some pretty silly questions into Google! All other websites are like ‘drugs are bad’, ‘you’re probably an addict’, ‘don’t do drugs!!’ Nothing of any actual help so thanks for welcoming me and honestly all your words have really made me feel better x
 
My ex would talk non stop all about himself on coke, someone I used to know went out with a bloke who'd offer her what he'd call "a line of me" which I found hilarious when she told me that, as apparently it made him chat shit about himself too, it just used to make me go very quiet when normally I'm a chatty person, good job really as I wouldn't of got a word in edgeways around my ex lol, I was so pleased when we broke up as one thought was "thank fuck I never have to do coke again"
 
A few of you have spoken about people being plastic. Is that just like fake? Or everyone trying to fit in and excluding those that don’t? I do feel like when I’m around other people in a bigger gathering I am constantly trying to blend in or seem normal. I often have to give myself regular pep talks in the bathroom just to get through them.

Truth is if I’m actually honest, I don’t think I like socialising anymore! Maybe I should just accept that and move on! I think I’m just really good at masking my anxiety when I’m not high and then it becomes really obvious when I am.

The comedowns are often awful. Where I feel embarrassed and like everyone hates me. But then I eat some pizza, have a smoke and feel better until the next time when I do the same shit all over again! 🤷🏽‍♀️🙈
 
Anxiety Girl said:
My ex would talk non stop all about himself on coke, someone I used to know went out with a bloke who'd offer her what he'd call "a line of me" which I found hilarious when she told me that, as apparently it made him chat shit about himself too, it just used to make me go very quiet when normally I'm a chatty person, good job really as I wouldn't of got a word in edgeways around my ex lol, I was so pleased when we broke up as one thought was "thank fuck I never have to do coke again"
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That is actually hilarious! Problem is I guess that everyone is trying to have ‘a line of me’ together! Maybe they should invent ‘a line of we’ and call it ecstasy…oh wait…😂😂
 
ClassicCat said:
Ok…so I have always had a fairly healthy relationship with drugs. MDMA at a festival and coke binges with my friends were a regular part of my twenties and all whilst living a pretty productive enough life to get a good degree and do all the normal things. But…for about 7 years now, every time I do coke it seems like it affects me more than everyone else. All of my friends seem to be able to take a few lines of coke and be ok, whereas I end up being (politely) sent home. The worst thing is, I don’t really know what it is that I do to end up being shunned by people that in the light of day on a Monday afternoon would happily welcome my company. I find myself in a state of paranoia where I question whether I’m gurning too much or speaking too loud but nobody has explicitly said what I do that’s so wrong. I just know that whatever it is, suddenly I make everyone feel uncomfortable and when I say I’m going home I can see everyone breathe a sigh of relief as if to say ‘thank fuck’! A response I never get when I’m not doing gear.

Now in our thirties, coke has become a standard part of most of my social situations. My work friends love it on a Friday, my long term friends love the stuff so it’s hard for me to get involved without doing it but I know that it must change me in a way that people don’t like. I’m never rude or horrible to anyone so i don’t really know what I do to make everyone feel so uncomfortable.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has an annoying friend like me or has a similar problem…
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Eh 50 yr old old timer but shoot me and call me Mildred it sounds like you need to confront all your friends while all sober and explain how it make you feel and off to apologize if what they then divulge what the big deal is. If this seems too much sounds like you need new friends man.
 
Dues_Bellator said:
Eh 50 yr old old timer but shoot me and call me Mildred it sounds like you need to confront all your friends while all sober and explain how it make you feel and off to apologize if what they then divulge what the big deal is. If this seems too much sounds like you need new friends man.
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That’s fair. Thanks for the advice 😊
 
ClassicCat said:
everyone else seems to create a stronger bond whiles
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what sorry mdma, meth, everything?
just trying to get and understand i prolly a relate.
i fit in in no-where and every-where. there is the flipside.
side
ClassicCat said:
And I meant the speed of the replies - not speed as in the powder 😂😂😂 could easily be confused in this forum!
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yeah doc is sedatives fwtw :shrug:

peaxt9
 
ClassicCat said:
A few of you have spoken about people being plastic. Is that just like fake? Or everyone trying to fit in and excluding those that don’t? I do feel like when I’m around other people in a bigger gathering I am constantly trying to blend in or seem normal. I often have to give myself regular pep talks in the bathroom just to get through them.

Truth is if I’m actually honest, I don’t think I like socialising anymore! Maybe I should just accept that and move on! I think I’m just really good at masking my anxiety when I’m not high and then it becomes really obvious when I am.

The comedowns are often awful. Where I feel embarrassed and like everyone hates me. But then I eat some pizza, have a smoke and feel better until the next time when I do the same shit all over again! 🤷🏽‍♀️🙈
Click to expand...
I know I shouldn't but sometimes I go to parties or whatever, don't talk to anyone, stay about 5 minutes enough to toast the bride and groom or dance with my wife, then walk out without saying a word to anyone, not so much as a good bye or see you later. I don't know but I get the sense that being chatty and friendly isn't going to cut it with some people. Some people want leaders not best budderoos and I have a really bad propensity for acting immature.
 
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