ombladon
Bluelighter
I've always avoided these things more than death itself. But now its sort of do or die, I defenatley need some psychiatric drugs mabye anti-psychotics too who knows. Thus I am not familiar with the anti depressants but I know some make you feel like a zombie while others are actually more effective.
Or mabye I should ask for some Ritalin...the problem is I'm always mad at myself. So instead of fixing the problems I keep sleeping away my days/problems....'problems'. My life is good but I'm mad at myself is more what I'm trying to say. I'm prescribed 4mg clonazepam a day, 0.3mg clonidine and 3mg Cesamet but that is not every day. I refused at first anti depressants b/c I wasn't depressed I was just worrying a lot and gettting panick attacks and a lot of anxiety attacks...sometimes from simple arguements. As well I was taking 205mg methadone a day and I was coping with worrying and such in that way, narcotics make me motivated believe it or not.
My behaviour makes me want to fuck with people who are completly innocent. When I get depressed a lot I get agitated very badly and if I have to wait for a buss or wait in general a long time while I feel agitated I also feel withdrawn (all I want to do I do drugs and go to sleep...escape), I try to find people who have weed and steal their weed....or I get very angry at people on the street with nice cars and spit at them.....or stupid things like spitting at cop cars. I always even get angry like that when I see something like people with more money, more weed.....I see it like i need the weed so I should take it from them and I should steal it too because I have no money...plus I justify it that they don't need it. And it doesn't matter if it's even about weed....I just start arguements/situations a lot, with older people with people my age with people younger than me even. For example I say things to them and when I talk I don't stop and I don't have a nice vocabulary either, sound like a psychitophenic like I go off on people (strangers) about political things....about anything....it doesnt have to be someone who has something that I need/want and I don't have that I get agressive.
Oh and I always worry a lot, excessive worrying I'm talking about. I take 4mg clonazepam a day (for 3 yrs or so but still it works) and I still wake up with a high tension/blood pressure like I was on stimulants or something like that. Like I said I smoke more than I should (both but esp cigarettes latley...past 3-4 months) and this also makes you have a high blood pressure, but with me it's like a lot of inner tension. And latley I wake up after a nap gasping for breath....wanting to cry or having the sensation of feeling down, but also there is a lot of inner tension or high blood pressure (i need to read my blood pressure b/c i haven't yet to see how high it is or if it's even high blood pressure) focused mostly on my chest I would say but an overall feeling of too much worrying. Many times I need to do breathing excercises like focusing on my breathing, then if that doesn't work I take clonazepam and for 2 hours I wait with a pounding heart and an agitated peronality. Probably this is why I became easily addicted to narcotic painkillers and methadone (i've quit narcotics 3-4 months ago, but this is more recent like from 2-4, 2-3 weeks after stopping narcotics). I've slipped once but nothing major and I'm afriad of slipping for real like before if I don't solve this problem.
Depressed though I feel a lot of the time.....I can barely wait to get home and smoke or drink with a clonazepam and go to sleep. Then I SLEEP, as if I dont want to wake up to whatever situation...like I said I'm with my parents, life is good to me. But sleep is the only thing I can still enjoy for some fucked up reason. Either natural or drug induced.
What anti-depressants are relatively safe compared to others and which would you think would help me? Which would make me feel less like a zombie?
I will try St. John's Wort tea (3 cups/day) until then....I just need to make it.
I take Clonidine, plus I smoke a lot of cigarettes and in any case I find myself with high blood pressure almost all the time (its rare that I feel okay regariding tension/blood pressure).
Please some help......I really would apppreciate it. My psychiatrist meeting is coming soon.
Or mabye I should ask for some Ritalin...the problem is I'm always mad at myself. So instead of fixing the problems I keep sleeping away my days/problems....'problems'. My life is good but I'm mad at myself is more what I'm trying to say. I'm prescribed 4mg clonazepam a day, 0.3mg clonidine and 3mg Cesamet but that is not every day. I refused at first anti depressants b/c I wasn't depressed I was just worrying a lot and gettting panick attacks and a lot of anxiety attacks...sometimes from simple arguements. As well I was taking 205mg methadone a day and I was coping with worrying and such in that way, narcotics make me motivated believe it or not.
My behaviour makes me want to fuck with people who are completly innocent. When I get depressed a lot I get agitated very badly and if I have to wait for a buss or wait in general a long time while I feel agitated I also feel withdrawn (all I want to do I do drugs and go to sleep...escape), I try to find people who have weed and steal their weed....or I get very angry at people on the street with nice cars and spit at them.....or stupid things like spitting at cop cars. I always even get angry like that when I see something like people with more money, more weed.....I see it like i need the weed so I should take it from them and I should steal it too because I have no money...plus I justify it that they don't need it. And it doesn't matter if it's even about weed....I just start arguements/situations a lot, with older people with people my age with people younger than me even. For example I say things to them and when I talk I don't stop and I don't have a nice vocabulary either, sound like a psychitophenic like I go off on people (strangers) about political things....about anything....it doesnt have to be someone who has something that I need/want and I don't have that I get agressive.
Oh and I always worry a lot, excessive worrying I'm talking about. I take 4mg clonazepam a day (for 3 yrs or so but still it works) and I still wake up with a high tension/blood pressure like I was on stimulants or something like that. Like I said I smoke more than I should (both but esp cigarettes latley...past 3-4 months) and this also makes you have a high blood pressure, but with me it's like a lot of inner tension. And latley I wake up after a nap gasping for breath....wanting to cry or having the sensation of feeling down, but also there is a lot of inner tension or high blood pressure (i need to read my blood pressure b/c i haven't yet to see how high it is or if it's even high blood pressure) focused mostly on my chest I would say but an overall feeling of too much worrying. Many times I need to do breathing excercises like focusing on my breathing, then if that doesn't work I take clonazepam and for 2 hours I wait with a pounding heart and an agitated peronality. Probably this is why I became easily addicted to narcotic painkillers and methadone (i've quit narcotics 3-4 months ago, but this is more recent like from 2-4, 2-3 weeks after stopping narcotics). I've slipped once but nothing major and I'm afriad of slipping for real like before if I don't solve this problem.
Depressed though I feel a lot of the time.....I can barely wait to get home and smoke or drink with a clonazepam and go to sleep. Then I SLEEP, as if I dont want to wake up to whatever situation...like I said I'm with my parents, life is good to me. But sleep is the only thing I can still enjoy for some fucked up reason. Either natural or drug induced.
What anti-depressants are relatively safe compared to others and which would you think would help me? Which would make me feel less like a zombie?
I will try St. John's Wort tea (3 cups/day) until then....I just need to make it.
I take Clonidine, plus I smoke a lot of cigarettes and in any case I find myself with high blood pressure almost all the time (its rare that I feel okay regariding tension/blood pressure).
Please some help......I really would apppreciate it. My psychiatrist meeting is coming soon.
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![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
but hang in there....if you can't care about anything and about yourself......if you have too get something that will make you care!...like a cat or dog!
