after a bad encounter with the big C last night I am done. I pull my hair and pick my scalp till it bleeds. this has been a 19 year conquest of glory (I am 30). I suffer from impossible impule control. I drink about 6 beers every day. sometimes 12. I can't buy bourbon or hard liquor and haven't for 3 years. Horrible things always happen. Always.v I was put on benzodiazepines at the age of 19 and have been on them for 11 years straight. The only time I tried to come off I had a grand mal seizure. I love opiates so much that I can't even talk about them. blissful perfection. grew up in rave culture and partied very, very hard from 1999-2004. have done it all. all, all, all. everyday, everything. oh I smoke cigarettes of course. and my gabapentin... it gets staggered. right now I am prescribed 1600mg of gabapentin and 1.5 mg of alprazolam a day.
SO. I am also a double varsity letter for a big 6A school in central florida. parents divorced at 16. I have always cosedered myslef attractive, personable, affectionate but slighty dishonest. but not manipulative. one of the nicest most compassionate people. usually to a fault. more like naive, gullible and easilly persuaded. I was supposed to be some kind of math prodigy and use that for what I do in my spare time for $$. not much, like 10k a year for 3 years. I was in the mortgage industry for 5+ years until after the housing bubble. averaged 40k/year. spent at least 1/4mil on partying. at least. closer to 350k. most of that from 1999-2004. Just to add to that, I have a strange social problem and have had few friends, but they have all been amazing. I am a picky assshole sometimes and I'm not sure if I should be. I was engaged for 12 years, we broke up in July but are possibly getting back together after the holidays. We both have things to work on and she is ahead of me. she also does similar drugs but has much better impulse control about it. She has a regular office job at the local colllege. We have 2 great kids who are 5 and 2. They no longer live with me but I see them a lot. lots of strange paradox's in my life. as a matter of fact, nearly my entire life is.
When I am on (about 15 months total in the last 12 years) I am an extreme nutriotinal nut. take fish oil, NAC and occasionally eat a good multi-V. coQ10 3 times a week as well. cook right, do not drink soda, I don't even like desert. I eat lean protein, green leafy veggies, fruit and good complex carbs. no more milk but usually have yogurt for breakfast. I work out religiously, riding a bicycle 150-200 miles a week and work out 3X a week for an hour lifting weights. Music lover, have the TV. obv i know all about drugs. my 3 others are poker, sex and nutrition. besides useless trivia and some mortgage bullshit that's about all I know.
SO. I'm fucking quitting. everything. today. been 18 hours since I smoked a cigarette, drank a beer, picked at the scabs at my head. stopped pulling my hair out, big C, norco's, whatever. i am 100% done now. I am going to take my alpazolam and gabapentin exactly prescribed for a month or two until I get back in the groove. then going to try and get off that with valerian and probably another non GABA anticonvulsant. I MAY go to NA and do this there but there is too much bullshit politics and its a 15 mile drive. besides, I have been a member here since 2002(old SN was deleted).
so I cried, balled, completely balled for 3 hours. not my dad passing, my split with my family, NOTHING hit home like this. I just broke down and said enough. I am reaching out and I never do. please help, this is a monumental task. already ben to the gym going to cook pasta and hop on the bike for the 1st time in 4 months. 10 miles is a good goal but just going to enjoy myself. cooking pasta and talapia and then going for a ride. I still have a lot of potential IMO. but it's now or never. period. this is it.
SO. I am also a double varsity letter for a big 6A school in central florida. parents divorced at 16. I have always cosedered myslef attractive, personable, affectionate but slighty dishonest. but not manipulative. one of the nicest most compassionate people. usually to a fault. more like naive, gullible and easilly persuaded. I was supposed to be some kind of math prodigy and use that for what I do in my spare time for $$. not much, like 10k a year for 3 years. I was in the mortgage industry for 5+ years until after the housing bubble. averaged 40k/year. spent at least 1/4mil on partying. at least. closer to 350k. most of that from 1999-2004. Just to add to that, I have a strange social problem and have had few friends, but they have all been amazing. I am a picky assshole sometimes and I'm not sure if I should be. I was engaged for 12 years, we broke up in July but are possibly getting back together after the holidays. We both have things to work on and she is ahead of me. she also does similar drugs but has much better impulse control about it. She has a regular office job at the local colllege. We have 2 great kids who are 5 and 2. They no longer live with me but I see them a lot. lots of strange paradox's in my life. as a matter of fact, nearly my entire life is.
When I am on (about 15 months total in the last 12 years) I am an extreme nutriotinal nut. take fish oil, NAC and occasionally eat a good multi-V. coQ10 3 times a week as well. cook right, do not drink soda, I don't even like desert. I eat lean protein, green leafy veggies, fruit and good complex carbs. no more milk but usually have yogurt for breakfast. I work out religiously, riding a bicycle 150-200 miles a week and work out 3X a week for an hour lifting weights. Music lover, have the TV. obv i know all about drugs. my 3 others are poker, sex and nutrition. besides useless trivia and some mortgage bullshit that's about all I know.
SO. I'm fucking quitting. everything. today. been 18 hours since I smoked a cigarette, drank a beer, picked at the scabs at my head. stopped pulling my hair out, big C, norco's, whatever. i am 100% done now. I am going to take my alpazolam and gabapentin exactly prescribed for a month or two until I get back in the groove. then going to try and get off that with valerian and probably another non GABA anticonvulsant. I MAY go to NA and do this there but there is too much bullshit politics and its a 15 mile drive. besides, I have been a member here since 2002(old SN was deleted).
so I cried, balled, completely balled for 3 hours. not my dad passing, my split with my family, NOTHING hit home like this. I just broke down and said enough. I am reaching out and I never do. please help, this is a monumental task. already ben to the gym going to cook pasta and hop on the bike for the 1st time in 4 months. 10 miles is a good goal but just going to enjoy myself. cooking pasta and talapia and then going for a ride. I still have a lot of potential IMO. but it's now or never. period. this is it.
So I salute you, dear sir, for doing this. God knows I have quit so many times in my life, every one is the Last One, the Final Goodbye... until it isn't...