What if i don’t want to?

[specialrelativity]

oonversely, what if I want to?

 

[helpingout]

oonversely, what if I want to?

I think then you should. Heroin was really helpful, to me, for half a decade. It wrecked my ex girlfriend but for me I somehow didn’t die and I was lower than a little peoples limbo. Now things are getting better. Stuffs improved. Getting clean is helping but man the call is resounding. I gotta find a way out. I want a future to look forward to not a present moment dictated by the presence of an exogenous opioid. Especially not when I make my own internal opioids. I believe I can do this. Two days clean at the moment.

 

[Jnowhere]

you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Tell that to the IRS

 

[awkward__silence]

Tell that to the IRS

I do my due diligence with them.

Traditional debt however, I completely ignore. Thankfully I have a partner with amazing credit. If I didn't id probably have to find everything under the table.

 

[Jnowhere]

I do my due diligence with them.

Traditional debt however, I completely ignore. Thankfully I have a partner with amazing credit. If I didn't id probably have to find everything under the table.

I still am waiting for my refund. They are not as diligent about refunding your money as taking it

 

[Jnowhere]

What do you mean?

For anyone interested, after my girlfriend of seven years dumped me by text, she also stopped answering my phone calls. We are not speaking anymore by her choice not mine. She is completely unavailable to me in any way, shape, or form. I decided to relapse because the pain of what I was going through in trying to get clean coupled with the pain of losing the person I have loved and been through so much with for seven years unexpectedly and by text message was just too much for me to bear. I decided to use. I’ve been using for three days now. Today was my first taper dose and I’m going to be dosing down and trying to get clean again.

As a result of her decision to break up with me, I have decided to uproot my life and move to another state. I had already been considering this option as a possible choice for me because I’m having trouble securing employment where I am now and when my brother heard about what happened he immediately opened his home to me and created the possibility for me to be able to move in with him and his family. Between then and now, my goal is to reduce my intake back to zero.

While I work on reducing my intake I’m going to be preparing for the move. I’ve taken the last three days to grieve. I feel like she has died.
Continuing momentarily

7 years and dumped by text message?
That is very cold.

Maybe someone told her to eliminate any connections to the past; if she was trying to get sober?

At least you got a kind brother.

 

[helpingout]

7 years and dumped by text message?
That is very cold.

Maybe someone told her to eliminate any connections to the past; if she was trying to get sober?

At least you got a kind brother.

It very well could be. I know she stopped taking amphetamines. Resented me for bringing an eight of cocaine to her birthday party. I know that I yelled at her sometimes but that hasn’t happened once over the last year. Idk. I’m not a great partner though. I wish I hadn’t hurt her feelings by overdosing. She cared for me until I woke up. I really don’t know. I guess if you look critically at the last seven years: she met me when I was sober and she watched me devolve into a raging heroin addict. I can’t say I blame her for her choice. I mean what else could she have done. Watch me slowly self destruct. I don’t understand her reasoning but I’m going to let her do what she wants. I do still love her. I think of her constantly. But that love has to transition into the love you have for someone whom you want the best for and not someone im in love with. It’s an incredibly difficult position to find myself in but it’s where I’m at. Kicking dope and losing the woman I love to reasons I don’t understand :/

 

[helpingout]

Im so tired. So worn out. So beat down.

 

[Opana313]

I do my due diligence with them.

Traditional debt however, I completely ignore. Thankfully I have a partner with amazing credit. If I didn't id probably have to find everything under the table.

Same here. My address I finally got forwarded(really was depressed and didn't give a fuck about anything after my wifey & I "separated"), the kids, babies I let everyone around me down so things like keeping up with my payments with collections, I just don't fucking care about anything that tries to hold me accountable for paper from the hard work that I do..summons after summons get in line and just garnish my checks, they aren't shit and money as a concept really doesn't mean shit in the grand perception of things.

I am still crawling out of this hole even now as summer passes, but relationships with my family as a whole is much better..working things out and working towards getting our own apartment to be together again. Yet still broke as fuck financially but not broken.

When it rains it pours and well in reality I deserved every bit of this, sadness, depression, feeling like I'm not shit...and how could I let my family fall apart? Well I couldn't that's why it hurt so much at the time when she left., and left for good reason. Never did give up on them, Dad just fucked up and dropped the ball. Ultimately I feel her and I are much closer and I am still present any chance I get even if its just an hour or two after work to spend time with the kids and the beautiful woman I had been fighting desperately to get back.

Sorry I don't mean to post my problems I just hope it helps someone. It would be a different story if it were about her cheating or vice versa, not sure if I could forgve let alone forget that, would be a differentkind of hurt on top. Everyone has something going on in life that they are struggling with or trying to conquer..

It's actually refreshing to make a complete mess of yourself in "society's eyes". I don't know why but it's similar to starting over with a clean slate. Fuck it all up but as Incubus said in Make Yourself "If I'm going to fuck myself, i am going to fuck me in my own way"..Don't get it twisted. Life is still a bitch, and she will fuck you if you let her. but yeah I just live a day at a time, focusing on one step at a time.

Another thing to always keep in mind is that people change. Usually for the better, but things and people change and we are ALL trying to navigate through this so called life.

PS. Off topic; government/city jobs like DOT, courthouse, post office and allll these places NEED to stay open passed 4pm during the week and should be open for some time on weekends...seriously. PEOPLE WORK. No pto and a job being held by thin ice is my main reasons for hating these city official jobs that require us to "get shit done" , like plates/registration....I'm off at 4, so are those fucks..I had to explain this to the last officer that pulled me over lol. Rant over.

 

[helpingout]

Same here. My address I finally got forwarded(really was depressed and didn't give a fuck about anything after my wifey & I "separated"), the kids, babies I let everyone around me down so things like keeping up with my payments with collections, I just don't fucking care about anything that tries to hold me accountable for paper from the hard work that I do..summons after summons get in line and just garnish my checks, they aren't shit and money as a concept really doesn't mean shit in the grand perception of things.

I am still crawling out of this hole even now as summer passes, but relationships with my family as a whole is much better..working things out and working towards getting our own apartment to be together again. Yet still broke as fuck financially but not broken.

When it rains it pours and well in reality I deserved every bit of this, sadness, depression, feeling like I'm not shit...and how could I let my family fall apart? Well I couldn't that's why it hurt so much at the time when she left., and left for good reason. Never did give up on them, Dad just fucked up and dropped the ball. Ultimately I feel her and I are much closer and I am still present any chance I get even if its just an hour or two after work to spend time with the kids and the beautiful woman I had been fighting desperately to get back.

Sorry I don't mean to post my problems I just hope it helps someone. It would be a different story if it were about her cheating or vice versa, not sure if I could forgve let alone forget that, would be a differentkind of hurt on top. Everyone has something going on in life that they are struggling with or trying to conquer..

It's actually refreshing to make a complete mess of yourself in "society's eyes". I don't know why but it's similar to starting over with a clean slate. Fuck it all up but as Incubus said in Make Yourself "If I'm going to fuck myself, i am going to fuck me in my own way"..Don't get it twisted. Life is still a bitch, and she will fuck you if you let her. but yeah I just live a day at a time, focusing on one step at a time.

Another thing to always keep in mind is that people change. Usually for the better, but things and people change and we are ALL trying to navigate through this so called life.

PS. Off topic; government/city jobs like DOT, courthouse, post office and allll these places NEED to stay open passed 4pm during the week and should be open for some time on weekends...seriously. PEOPLE WORK. No pto and a job being held by thin ice is my main reasons for hating these city official jobs that require us to "get shit done" , like plates/registration....I'm off at 4, so are those fucks..I had to explain this to the last officer that pulled me over lol. Rant over.

Man that hits hard. I’m in a similar sitch. I don’t mind you talking about what’s going on with you. Take out the kids and I’m in the same fucking boat. Idk. I really hope that things start to come together for you. It would be so cool if we all checked in on this thread in half a year and found we were all doing better. Me in Seattle. Opana with his family. I mean just everyone posting on here.

What if we all end up happy and better off than we are now?

What if what we thought was a death knell was the first steps of a new life?

 

[Opana313]

Exactly ^^ life is what you make it to be. Things are much better for me.. at least with my kids and Lady.. there were moments in the beginning I thought I would have to always miss my kids and go thru the bs and be another Stat for child support or broken home.

I mean yeah I am still not living with them, but I am with them every day. And we have rekindled the love we thought had vanished.
But yeah I'm that type of father who loves his kids so much, without them daily, like in the beginning of the break, I was wrecked, no ambition, just sadness..then all it took was one good moment to make all that shit disappear.

 

[Jnowhere]

Same here. My address I finally got forwarded(really was depressed and didn't give a fuck about anything after my wifey & I "separated"), the kids, babies I let everyone around me down so things like keeping up with my payments with collections, I just don't fucking care about anything that tries to hold me accountable for paper from the hard work that I do..summons after summons get in line and just garnish my checks, they aren't shit and money as a concept really doesn't mean shit in the grand perception of things.

I am still crawling out of this hole even now as summer passes, but relationships with my family as a whole is much better..working things out and working towards getting our own apartment to be together again. Yet still broke as fuck financially but not broken.

When it rains it pours and well in reality I deserved every bit of this, sadness, depression, feeling like I'm not shit...and how could I let my family fall apart? Well I couldn't that's why it hurt so much at the time when she left., and left for good reason. Never did give up on them, Dad just fucked up and dropped the ball. Ultimately I feel her and I are much closer and I am still present any chance I get even if its just an hour or two after work to spend time with the kids and the beautiful woman I had been fighting desperately to get back.

Sorry I don't mean to post my problems I just hope it helps someone. It would be a different story if it were about her cheating or vice versa, not sure if I could forgve let alone forget that, would be a differentkind of hurt on top. Everyone has something going on in life that they are struggling with or trying to conquer..

It's actually refreshing to make a complete mess of yourself in "society's eyes". I don't know why but it's similar to starting over with a clean slate. Fuck it all up but as Incubus said in Make Yourself "If I'm going to fuck myself, i am going to fuck me in my own way"..Don't get it twisted. Life is still a bitch, and she will fuck you if you let her. but yeah I just live a day at a time, focusing on one step at a time.

Another thing to always keep in mind is that people change. Usually for the better, but things and people change and we are ALL trying to navigate through this so called life.

PS. Off topic; government/city jobs like DOT, courthouse, post office and allll these places NEED to stay open passed 4pm during the week and should be open for some time on weekends...seriously. PEOPLE WORK. No pto and a job being held by thin ice is my main reasons for hating these city official jobs that require us to "get shit done" , like plates/registration....I'm off at 4, so are those fucks..I had to explain this to the last officer that pulled me over lol. Rant over.

In my experiences, cops don't listen, unless it's what they want to hear. lol

Hopefully you can put your family back together.

I personally never wanted a family; mainly because I knew all the time and effort it takes.

Also I knew from my teen years, that I am not good family man material. Alcohol abuse, doesn't lead to success, usually. Or a normal happy family.

You seem like you really want to have a family( together again). I wish you luck.
For you and your family.

 

[Blowmonkey]

What if we all end up happy and better off than we are now?

I genuinely hope so, wouldn't that be nice? You only relapsed for a couple of days too man, clean again, that's great. Just keep in touch with her, you never know.

 

[awkward__silence]

... money as a concept really doesn't mean shit in the grand perception of things.

That is true, yeah. Annoying that it's so hard to get an equal share of, though.

I think student debt started the snowball of animosity, then I leveraged that negativity toward credit cards, thinking if my ten years ago issues magically disappear, so will these, then went for a hail mary pass off of a personal loan, and hoping I won't need to buy a baseball bat in case some chump wants to throw hands with my significant other present, in which case id beat the living fuck out of them and take the life sentence gracefully.. wiping my face of blood.. ahh.. fucking America.. never expected their crooks to fight back.

Actually, I sort of just was riffing, I should probably research collections just so I am prepared. Hmm let's see... Reddit, or chatgpt? Or the streets? Bluelight is actually a clutch resource, too, if y'all don't mind I brag about you.

I am still crawling out of this hole even now as summer passes, but relationships with my family as a whole is much better..working things out and working towards getting our own apartment to be together again. Yet still broke as fuck financially but not broken.

When it rains it pours and well in reality I deserved every bit of this, sadness, depression, feeling like I'm not shit...and how could I let my family fall apart? Well I couldn't that's why it hurt so much at the time when she left., and left for good reason. Never did give up on them, Dad just fucked up and dropped the ball. Ultimately I feel her and I are much closer and I am still present any chance I get even if its just an hour or two after work to spend time with the kids and the beautiful woman I had been fighting desperately to get back.

Sorry I don't mean to post my problems I just hope it helps someone. It would be a different story if it were about her cheating or vice versa, not sure if I could forgve let alone forget that, would be a differentkind of hurt on top. Everyone has something going on in life that they are struggling with or trying to conquer..

It's actually refreshing to make a complete mess of yourself in "society's eyes". I don't know why but it's similar to starting over with a clean slate. Fuck it all up but as Incubus said in Make Yourself "If I'm going to fuck myself, i am going to fuck me in my own way"..Don't get it twisted. Life is still a bitch, and she will fuck you if you let her. but yeah I just live a day at a time, focusing on one step at a time.

Another thing to always keep in mind is that people change. Usually for the better, but things and people change and we are ALL trying to navigate through this so called life.

PS. Off topic; government/city jobs like DOT, courthouse, post office and allll these places NEED to stay open passed 4pm during the week and should be open for some time on weekends...seriously. PEOPLE WORK. No pto and a job being held by thin ice is my main reasons for hating these city official jobs that require us to "get shit done" , like plates/registration....I'm off at 4, so are those fucks..I had to explain this to the last officer that pulled me over lol. Rant over.

Skimmed it just because I'm fully aware that im shitty with being sentimental BUT, hoping you the best. Why? Because only good people grieve over personal relationships.

 

[helpingout]

I’ve got around 117 days clean now. I made it through. I’m up here in the PNW. Things are a lot better. My brother loves me. His wife loves me. His daughter loves me. Families coming up for Christmas. Things are good and I’m not using drugs. I love all of you who’ve responded to this and I want to thank everyone if you for giving a shit.

I’d love to hear you all check in.

What if I’ve been experiencing everything, the sadness and the joy?

What if I moved away from a past which hurt me and I’m living into a future that isn’t?

What if therapy is helping?

What if I’m happy to experience my highs and my lows?

What if I wouldn’t be here without all of your help?

You have my love and respect. Thank you each for caring about a random stranger on the internet!

 

[ImaDisaster]

This whole thread sounds like what goes on in head daily.