• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist

What if i don’t want to?

you omitted

What if I refuse to adapt?
Absolutely crucial inquiry. Very possible I might die. I’ve been looking at the half bent fent users with jealousy in my eyes. That’s would be my undoing. I just wish there was a safe way to relapse. Or at least one of reduced harm.
 
I really need to get a support group, get some hobbies going, get into therapy, and try a little harder at this getting clean thing. It really does seem like what I want and I have been stuck in limbo a very long time.
Well... This website could be your hobby if you wanted it to be.
 
Absolutely crucial inquiry. Very possible I might die. I’ve been looking at the half bent fent users with jealousy in my eyes. That’s would be my undoing. I just wish there was a safe way to relapse. Or at least one of reduced harm.
But there isnt
youre not "high" any longer
not even mindless

nothing more than a stunted corralled zombie
 
What if I don’t want to grow, or change, or talk about my feelings, or even have them?

What if I hate everything?

What if existence is great for some people but I’m not one of them?

What if all the people I’ve loved are dead dying ghosted or far away and I’m newly sober and don’t have a support system / think NA people are cult memebers, and notice that my presence in recovery groups spurns people to relapse?

What if I’m socially awkward and people don’t like being around me?

What if I don’t want to be accountable to failing at sobriety so I just don’t tell any one I’m sober and do it with no support?

What if I kicked heroin on my own, hid my habit, and now am trying to get my life together and failing?

What if I’m not getting better?

What if I’m getting worse?

What if I don’t want to fail more than I want to try?

What if I hate?

What if I’m angry?

What if i hate humanity because humanity has turned its back on me?

What if I forgive humanity but humans continue to treat me the same way?

What if I’m not capable of forgiveness?

What if I’m a failure?

What if I lose the people I love?

What if all my friends are dead except one whose far away?

What if my failures are my own fault?

What if my addiction to drugs has been my own fault?

What if I don’t want to cope?

What if I don’t want to get better?

What if I don’t want to get worse?

What if my family has been cursed?

What if I’m right?

What if I’m wrong?

What if I should learn to stop worrying and love the bomb?

No problems.

At the end of the day ..... NOTHING MATTERS
 
but I didn’t want to go to treatment. I wanted this for myself by myself.
I know, I refuse help too. Tried rehab for 5 mins years ago, walked away before it even began telling myself it wouldn't do a thing. Had a discussion with a psychiatrist once, he asked me what I expected of them, I had no idea how he could be helpful to me telling me things I already know, he didn't either besides suggesting to lock me up for 3 weeks in his facility. I didn't want to quit really. It's still my coping mechanism for life. I want to do this by myself, for myself, not be forced into things or get handouts. Everything you said sounds familiar, we all recognize that struggle I think, so I'm kinda fucking proud you did this all on your own and been sticking with it. To me it's inspirational.
sometimes people post "LOL !" when there really not laughing
lol 😭
 
What if I don’t want to grow, or change, or talk about my feelings, or even have them?

What if I hate everything?

What if existence is great for some people but I’m not one of them?

What if all the people I’ve loved are dead dying ghosted or far away and I’m newly sober and don’t have a support system / think NA people are cult memebers, and notice that my presence in recovery groups spurns people to relapse?

What if I’m socially awkward and people don’t like being around me?

What if I don’t want to be accountable to failing at sobriety so I just don’t tell any one I’m sober and do it with no support?

What if I kicked heroin on my own, hid my habit, and now am trying to get my life together and failing?

What if I’m not getting better?

What if I’m getting worse?

What if I don’t want to fail more than I want to try?

What if I hate?

What if I’m angry?

What if i hate humanity because humanity has turned its back on me?

What if I forgive humanity but humans continue to treat me the same way?

What if I’m not capable of forgiveness?

What if I’m a failure?

What if I lose the people I love?

What if all my friends are dead except one whose far away?

What if my failures are my own fault?

What if my addiction to drugs has been my own fault?

What if I don’t want to cope?

What if I don’t want to get better?

What if I don’t want to get worse?

What if my family has been cursed?

What if I’m right?

What if I’m wrong?

What if I should learn to stop worrying and love the bomb?
I noticed when my girl "dumps me" usually for just a day or 2 I realized this or arguing with family plus stress leads to high risk behavior for me, it's definitely a trigger for me I realized.

On the other note:

When we are young we long to become adults and have that sense of freedom from parents or gaurdians.

Then we get to adult age and wish to be that kid thats carefree..

Also screw up our health to make money, then when much older we spend our money to restore our health.

So naturally during our lives we become anxious about tomorrow and daydream about good old days.

THIS means we forget to live in the present moment because we think of yesterday and worry about tomorrow..never enjoying the present moments.

Which means we live as if we will not die, and die as if we have NEVER LIVED... food for thought I heard it the other day on some reel but it was for sure wise words.

Change is inevitable and healthy even if its a difficult struggle...struggling and surviving creates a strong foundation imo...I hope this lil philosophy may help some of your thoughts and questions.. Let me know?
 
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I didn't write that about Cher's skin color. I didn't write about her voice either, but I will not make a fuss, about that.
 
What if I don’t want to grow, or change, or talk about my feelings, or even have them?

What if I hate everything?

What if existence is great for some people but I’m not one of them?

What if all the people I’ve loved are dead dying ghosted or far away and I’m newly sober and don’t have a support system / think NA people are cult memebers, and notice that my presence in recovery groups spurns people to relapse?

What if I’m socially awkward and people don’t like being around me?

What if I don’t want to be accountable to failing at sobriety so I just don’t tell any one I’m sober and do it with no support?

What if I kicked heroin on my own, hid my habit, and now am trying to get my life together and failing?

What if I’m not getting better?

What if I’m getting worse?

What if I don’t want to fail more than I want to try?

What if I hate?

What if I’m angry?

What if i hate humanity because humanity has turned its back on me?

What if I forgive humanity but humans continue to treat me the same way?

What if I’m not capable of forgiveness?

What if I’m a failure?

What if I lose the people I love?

What if all my friends are dead except one whose far away?

What if my failures are my own fault?

What if my addiction to drugs has been my own fault?

What if I don’t want to cope?

What if I don’t want to get better?

What if I don’t want to get worse?

What if my family has been cursed?

What if I’m right?

What if I’m wrong?

What if I should learn to stop worrying and love the bomb?
Dr. Strangelove, one of Kubrick's best. Playing: What if, sucks.
 
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This is just fine , at least by me. Anyone else?
What do you mean?

For anyone interested, after my girlfriend of seven years dumped me by text, she also stopped answering my phone calls. We are not speaking anymore by her choice not mine. She is completely unavailable to me in any way, shape, or form. I decided to relapse because the pain of what I was going through in trying to get clean coupled with the pain of losing the person I have loved and been through so much with for seven years unexpectedly and by text message was just too much for me to bear. I decided to use. I’ve been using for three days now. Today was my first taper dose and I’m going to be dosing down and trying to get clean again.

As a result of her decision to break up with me, I have decided to uproot my life and move to another state. I had already been considering this option as a possible choice for me because I’m having trouble securing employment where I am now and when my brother heard about what happened he immediately opened his home to me and created the possibility for me to be able to move in with him and his family. Between then and now, my goal is to reduce my intake back to zero.

While I work on reducing my intake I’m going to be preparing for the move. I’ve taken the last three days to grieve. I feel like she has died.
Continuing momentarily
 
What if I don’t want to grow, or change, or talk about my feelings, or even have them?

What if I hate everything?

What if existence is great for some people but I’m not one of them?

What if all the people I’ve loved are dead dying ghosted or far away and I’m newly sober and don’t have a support system / think NA people are cult memebers, and notice that my presence in recovery groups spurns people to relapse?

What if I’m socially awkward and people don’t like being around me?

What if I don’t want to be accountable to failing at sobriety so I just don’t tell any one I’m sober and do it with no support?

What if I kicked heroin on my own, hid my habit, and now am trying to get my life together and failing?

What if I’m not getting better?

What if I’m getting worse?

What if I don’t want to fail more than I want to try?

What if I hate?

What if I’m angry?

What if i hate humanity because humanity has turned its back on me?

What if I forgive humanity but humans continue to treat me the same way?

What if I’m not capable of forgiveness?

What if I’m a failure?

What if I lose the people I love?

What if all my friends are dead except one whose far away?

What if my failures are my own fault?

What if my addiction to drugs has been my own fault?

What if I don’t want to cope?

What if I don’t want to get better?

What if I don’t want to get worse?

What if my family has been cursed?

What if I’m right?

What if I’m wrong?

What if I should learn to stop worrying and love the bomb?


There's not really any right or wrong here. Just what you think you have going on, and what helps you exist in the moment. 'evil' heroin saved me from outright committing self-deletion several times, by providing me the emotionally distancing comfort blanket that I needed in order to survive. That DIDN'T equal 'surrendering myself to the fact that I will always be an addict' nonsense. Just that being addicted was preferable to outright suicide. I've also known people who stayed knowingly and willingly addicted to their substance of choice because they found they simply liked the effects too much to give it up. My very best friend was one of those, and in my book such individuals should not feel guilty for choosing a way of life the majority of society deems 'not correct' or in some way contemptible, just so long as the person himself is not harming others.

... Which type you are, and what's best for you in the long run I cannot make any pronouncements on, because I do not know you, your state of mind, your past with drugs or your life circumstances. The best advice I can give you from experience is that it IS possible to use without letting it become your life. It's not a black-and-white choice between total abstinence and reckless addiction.
 
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I’m not. And that’s okay. Trying to learn self love but I don’t want to love my self and life itself feels like one really long really bad acid trip.
I realize, was a bit concerned with you taking too much after being of off it, good thing you've got a good brother who reached out so fast though, also good you took him up on that offer.
 
Basically as it stands now. Leaving the home of my childhood and my entire adult life to try to strike out somewhere in the world where there might be opportunity for me. My best friends keeps saying I’m too old for the real careers like getting in the trades and stuff. I’d like to just fuck off and join the space force but then I’d have to hide a lot of stuff that could impact my experience there.

In the process of processing what my girlfriend had done I decided to just get high. Took way too much and it didn’t really hit right so I took the same amount again. Comfortable falling asleep. No indication there would be problems. Wake up two days later and it feels like time is soup. My thoughts are moving a mile a minute but I can’t articulate it cause my tongue is swollen fat and raw. I get through it and at some point I remember everything about why I might have overdone it. Why my extra long sleep might not be normal. Why my heart feeling weird might be normal. My parents said they heard screams and crying coming from my room. I told everyone it was the sound of my heartbreaking which might have been true. When I woke up I could barely talk my tongue was so inflamed. I vomited the water I was sesrinking. I started taking some emergency electrolytes to get things right. Brain felt like it had a hole in it. Just shame and stupidity. Infections on my younger from
Laying and not brushing for two days. Just fucking brutal. Avoided talking to anyone that day. Sunday I brought the fam breakfast and they asked some questions. I told them it was heartbreak nothing more. Went to a job orientation today in the city where she lives. Felt out of place and once it was done I felt like I wanted to call her. To see her. But my therapist advised me not to call nor speak to her and it just fucking hurt.

Tears falling down at the party
Saddest little baby in the room

And I just hated myself.

I hate that my brains not working right. That I might have had an accidental od. Whatever.


I just don’t want to give up on her. I’m like praying to every god I know to please let it be farce let it be whimsy of
The heart let her come back

But I know her true colors now and I know who she is and how she handled my heart after seven years and it just breaks me.

I’m goin g through stages of grief like a death.

I’m not able to get answers about our past.

She has a right to feel safe which I think she used to do a text breakup because she didn’t feel safe around me but that’s long thinking. Short thinking is more like she just didn’t care how I took it. This was her washing her hands of it.

She’s got family pressures

And I’m just sitting here trying to figure out how to rebuild my world. I’m late on all my payments. Gotta fix that somehow. I’ve got that job with the county for now so hopefully I can get a chunk of change from that. I’m going to try and sell some books and things I have. I’ve got about a month and a half.
It’s time to turn up but since the od my health has been awful. I’m out of breath with my heart pounding.

I’m going to make tomorrow about cleaning my room and getting as much stuff as possible into throw away bins and worry about the actual cleaning another day

Just take head on what I know can be destroyed.


I don’t see how you leave someone of seven years by text. I don’t get it.

I feel like abandoned trash. Just worthless. Woman I put on my emergency documents put our love in an iMessage.

And all I can do is cry

Tears falling down at the party
Saddest little baby in the room
 
Basically as it stands now. Leaving the home of my childhood and my entire adult life to try to strike out somewhere in the world where there might be opportunity for me. My best friends keeps saying I’m too old for the real careers like getting in the trades and stuff. I’d like to just fuck off and join the space force but then I’d have to hide a lot of stuff that could impact my experience there.

In the process of processing what my girlfriend had done I decided to just get high. Took way too much and it didn’t really hit right so I took the same amount again. Comfortable falling asleep. No indication there would be problems. Wake up two days later and it feels like time is soup. My thoughts are moving a mile a minute but I can’t articulate it cause my tongue is swollen fat and raw. I get through it and at some point I remember everything about why I might have overdone it. Why my extra long sleep might not be normal. Why my heart feeling weird might be normal. My parents said they heard screams and crying coming from my room. I told everyone it was the sound of my heartbreaking which might have been true. When I woke up I could barely talk my tongue was so inflamed. I vomited the water I was sesrinking. I started taking some emergency electrolytes to get things right. Brain felt like it had a hole in it. Just shame and stupidity. Infections on my younger from
Laying and not brushing for two days. Just fucking brutal. Avoided talking to anyone that day. Sunday I brought the fam breakfast and they asked some questions. I told them it was heartbreak nothing more. Went to a job orientation today in the city where she lives. Felt out of place and once it was done I felt like I wanted to call her. To see her. But my therapist advised me not to call nor speak to her and it just fucking hurt.

Tears falling down at the party
Saddest little baby in the room

And I just hated myself.

I hate that my brains not working right. That I might have had an accidental od. Whatever.


I just don’t want to give up on her. I’m like praying to every god I know to please let it be farce let it be whimsy of
The heart let her come back

But I know her true colors now and I know who she is and how she handled my heart after seven years and it just breaks me.

I’m goin g through stages of grief like a death.

I’m not able to get answers about our past.

She has a right to feel safe which I think she used to do a text breakup because she didn’t feel safe around me but that’s long thinking. Short thinking is more like she just didn’t care how I took it. This was her washing her hands of it.

She’s got family pressures

And I’m just sitting here trying to figure out how to rebuild my world. I’m late on all my payments. Gotta fix that somehow. I’ve got that job with the county for now so hopefully I can get a chunk of change from that. I’m going to try and sell some books and things I have. I’ve got about a month and a half.
It’s time to turn up but since the od my health has been awful. I’m out of breath with my heart pounding.

I’m going to make tomorrow about cleaning my room and getting as much stuff as possible into throw away bins and worry about the actual cleaning another day

Just take head on what I know can be destroyed.


I don’t see how you leave someone of seven years by text. I don’t get it.

I feel like abandoned trash. Just worthless. Woman I put on my emergency documents put our love in an iMessage.

And all I can do is cry

Tears falling down at the party
Saddest little baby in the room

People say there will be others. That I’ll be happier. I’ve been with a lot of women in my life. I’m not talking polycule levels of hooking up but I’ve been with a lot. I have girls break up by phone, by text, by letter, by date etc. nothing hurts like this.

I don’t want to fall in love again because I don’t want to trust someone like this again. I don’t want to be available to be your one and only or to dream of marriage. I just want to identify the limits of the time we have and live within them. I don’t want to be somebody’s something because then I’ll become the abuser. I don’t want to be involved because that’s how people begin to hurt. I’m not worth anyone’s trouble.
 
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