Probably the citalopram. After that last stint in rehab the difference in how I felt was pretty profound. Lexapro is basically the same thing - a stereoisomer of citalopram.
I don't use the Ativan except for in cases of acute anxiety that needs immediate relief - situations in which I would have used alcohol in the past. I don't want to build up a tolerance to it, plus I tend to hoard it anyway out of a fear (which may be irrational) of running out at an inopportune time.
Simco did this (I haven't seen him around in quite a while, but you could try sending him a PM). It's actually not that difficult to find a provider, but it's expensive as shit (around $500/session in my area) and none of the providers in my area will bill insurance. Also, regular benzo users will have a reduced response - that's what I've been told at least. I'm also kind of skeptical of anything that promises a quick cure for any psychological/psychiatric problem, especially if it costs a left nut.
Well I don't necessarily think anything can necessarily guarantee a quick cure for psychiatric problems, but if certain things can have a quick and strong impact that's pretty good, plus, I've always wanted to try Ketamine recreationally as well but never got the chance, and while I know therapeutic doses are lower it must still feel nice.
Since I am a regular benzo user maybe I'd need more, so hopefully if I could even get it they'd give me a higher dose but I bet I'll never end up getting it cause that is really expensive and I'd want to use insurance but like you said, I probably wouldn't be able to.
If I can pay for it I'll do it though.
I'm probably more quickly likely to try to grow some mushrooms and see if I can use these to mircodose which I have also heard can help with anxiety and depression.
I've never microdosed, but I have had very peaceful mushroom trips and I think at this point in my life if I could trip even semi regularly on mushrooms it could actually benefit my life, but I'm more interested in mircodosing than just tripping.
I don't think there's anything, treatment wise or drug wise, that can be a guarantee, but I'm interested in things that can be transformative quickly and really shake things up and rock me to my core.
I don't care if it's skydiving (never done it) or a sweat lodge (I had a great experience with that), floatation tank (didn't do what I hoped it would), mircodosing, Ketamine or whatever else.
What I just haven't found to be effective are SSRIs or medications where you have to wait weeks or months and only to think that MAYBE it MIGHT be doing something.
I think I need things that will really snap me out of my current situation, even if they are unpleasant, at this point if I want to make some headway.