Hi there Bluelight community. I'm here to give you a fairly succint idea of what is going on here in Clark County and for that matter, my life. As those of you know who have followed my blog, this all started with a break-up back in November and I had to start from scratch in a world that had become more harsh than what I had left. I ended up taking a job offer in Nevada. I felt like I wanted a change, so I did it. I ultimately regret that decision in most ways, though I do know that my destiny is ultimately out here, even if I do not yet know what that is.
Nevada and Vegas are very conservative. They are dependent upon tourists and it is thus, not a friendly place for those with addictions and issues with homelessness. Since I have gotten here, things have gotten worse for all of us Americans and those abroad. I have had some pretty rough news. My primary job is going to have a major funding shortcoming. I still have a job at present, but my work is no longer able to pay for a health plan for all of us. If you think this is ridiculous, try getting a letter in the mail telling you your coverage ended a week ago. Just like that. Apparently, they had sent another letter to my old residence here and I didn't receive it. I wasn't made aware in-person by anyone at my work.
I'm already having a very hard, more like impossible time managing the cost of living out here. I have Lupus, I take medicine, I am on Methadone and until I can get another insurance plan, I now have the added cost of ~$70/week 210/month for the clinic, which had been covered under my insurance. I take multiple medicines. You can love me, hate me, demonize me for it, but that is how it is. Vyvanse - ~120, Gabapentin ~35, Clonidine ~15... I recently started a biologic and I'm just straight up forgetting that one for now... it would be hundreds.
Next earthquake, I arrive at the clinic the other day to find only one nurse on duty. There are always two and we usually share pleasantries for a moment at the window. The other nurse tells me the other nurse no longer works there. She told me they are letting people go due to lack of funds. In her own words "she doesn't know what's gonna happen". Rumor is that the clinic will close and everyone will be forced to go to a different clinic ~90+ minutes away by bus. The only reason I am concerned is because the nurse was let go and the other nurse seemed genuinely concerned for myself and everyone else there, telling us to "be prepared". That last quip ruined my entire fucking week. "Be prepared".
So... I am now desperately trying to get a hold of SR to attempt to do a quick withdrawal from my Methadone. I have a fear that we are on the general chopping block. Like everything else that is getting chopped, social work, schools, medicine and who the fuck cares about the people at the clinic, they're a bunch of do-nothing low-lifes anyway. I'm sad to say, few people would bat a tear at the immediate hell we would be thrown into.
Judging by the behavior of the police, the general public and most people, I feel now under the gun to be free of this medication before it gets to a point where I am just left with nothing and no plan. You understand, if I were forced to the streets and had to withdraw from all medications simultaneously, I would off myself... I am not being dramatic. I am not looking for attention. I am just saying what many people in my position are thinking right now. The idea of going through this is antithetical to everything that I know I can easily handle.
If I lose my job(s)... I'm done. If I lose my medications... I'm done. If I cannot get insurance soon, with what money, I don't even fucking now... I'm done.
This is not a post for sympathy guys. It's a sad fact, I'm staring down the maw of a terrible fucking beast right now, as we all are. I have received a wake up call. I am now setting my sights on getting off Methadone or at least consuming a very, very small dosage I can easily acquire sans clinic. I am going to initiate an attempt with this SR stuff as soon as I have the spare bread to afford it, which is still a month out, as I owe too many people in my life for different things. That is the problem, see, I am already begging and borrowing just to survive right now. You can't live like that forever.
I do not have enough friends or family (who will help in this way) to call on at this point who could make a difference for me. To make a difference would take something that I know pretty much nobody reading this has. My clients are homeless. My coworkers are becoming homeless themselves, transitioning to their cars (so fucking sad) in the 110 degree heat. We are all getting to the end of our ropes. I do not know what this will look like for them. I know my situation with medicaiton is my own problem. I could have started doing this a long time ago, but I didn't. I could've gotten clean sooner, but I didn't.
I am concerned for myself, but also alm of the other people that are going to be affected by these reductions in services. When Russia invaded Crimea back in 2014 they made Methadone illegal overnight. Everyone just showed up in the morning to get their shit and the doors were locked. My understanding is, no warnings, no tapers of any kind. As you might expect, some lost their lives in a variety of ways as a result of this sudden, immediate hit. The bus is $3 here one way and $5 if you're coming near the strip.
I know it is a sad fact, but as we know, it is survival of the fittest when meat is thin and some people get trampled.
Political winds are shifting, maybe. This Presidency has not valued rule of law up until now. Besides, they have two years left with which to continue destroying the country.
You have to have hope though. There is always the possibility that we can get out of this. It definitely will take unity so I am not going to shit on any one's beliefs as that is the problem more than anything, because if we can't agree, nothing happens.
I'm just not really sure at this point guys. I pray every day that at least my life will be able to make a difference in this world somehow before my time is up. I spent so many years living for myself, thinking I understood love. I was a fool. So many wasted years. I get to experience my quest for sobriety at the same time the world starts ending (Trump's first term). I wish I could go back to Cambodia or Iraq and smell the food, touch the poppies, look the people in the eye instead of looking right through them with my dope eyes. I wish I had had time to be a better person than I was, but I can't go back now.
It has been hard guys. I'm coming to the end and there is no obvious path to take that leads me to salvation. I have two jobs. I have no time for myself. I am being broken by the stress of my job, homeless people disappearing, in fear for their lives from the police meant to protect them, the destruction of everything that I felt made humanity truly great... Now I get to watch my fellow man sacrifice the weak for their goals and I am not strong nor smart enough to stop them. Like I said, I pray at least that I will be able to use my life to make a difference, not for myself, I have been selfish my whole life, I want to give my life for something good.
I wish things were better. I'm gonna be around for the time being, but as things keep falling apart, I question how much longer I'm gonna be able to do anything that I love for much longer. My greatest hope is that I will be able to get off this shit in time to be useful for what is coming, because something is coming. I love all of you guys. 13 years of my life were well-spent on these forums. You all helped show me what love truly means and I will always be grateful for the opportunity to help and be a friend.
Love,
@Keif' Richards
Nevada and Vegas are very conservative. They are dependent upon tourists and it is thus, not a friendly place for those with addictions and issues with homelessness. Since I have gotten here, things have gotten worse for all of us Americans and those abroad. I have had some pretty rough news. My primary job is going to have a major funding shortcoming. I still have a job at present, but my work is no longer able to pay for a health plan for all of us. If you think this is ridiculous, try getting a letter in the mail telling you your coverage ended a week ago. Just like that. Apparently, they had sent another letter to my old residence here and I didn't receive it. I wasn't made aware in-person by anyone at my work.
I'm already having a very hard, more like impossible time managing the cost of living out here. I have Lupus, I take medicine, I am on Methadone and until I can get another insurance plan, I now have the added cost of ~$70/week 210/month for the clinic, which had been covered under my insurance. I take multiple medicines. You can love me, hate me, demonize me for it, but that is how it is. Vyvanse - ~120, Gabapentin ~35, Clonidine ~15... I recently started a biologic and I'm just straight up forgetting that one for now... it would be hundreds.
Next earthquake, I arrive at the clinic the other day to find only one nurse on duty. There are always two and we usually share pleasantries for a moment at the window. The other nurse tells me the other nurse no longer works there. She told me they are letting people go due to lack of funds. In her own words "she doesn't know what's gonna happen". Rumor is that the clinic will close and everyone will be forced to go to a different clinic ~90+ minutes away by bus. The only reason I am concerned is because the nurse was let go and the other nurse seemed genuinely concerned for myself and everyone else there, telling us to "be prepared". That last quip ruined my entire fucking week. "Be prepared".
So... I am now desperately trying to get a hold of SR to attempt to do a quick withdrawal from my Methadone. I have a fear that we are on the general chopping block. Like everything else that is getting chopped, social work, schools, medicine and who the fuck cares about the people at the clinic, they're a bunch of do-nothing low-lifes anyway. I'm sad to say, few people would bat a tear at the immediate hell we would be thrown into.
Judging by the behavior of the police, the general public and most people, I feel now under the gun to be free of this medication before it gets to a point where I am just left with nothing and no plan. You understand, if I were forced to the streets and had to withdraw from all medications simultaneously, I would off myself... I am not being dramatic. I am not looking for attention. I am just saying what many people in my position are thinking right now. The idea of going through this is antithetical to everything that I know I can easily handle.
If I lose my job(s)... I'm done. If I lose my medications... I'm done. If I cannot get insurance soon, with what money, I don't even fucking now... I'm done.
This is not a post for sympathy guys. It's a sad fact, I'm staring down the maw of a terrible fucking beast right now, as we all are. I have received a wake up call. I am now setting my sights on getting off Methadone or at least consuming a very, very small dosage I can easily acquire sans clinic. I am going to initiate an attempt with this SR stuff as soon as I have the spare bread to afford it, which is still a month out, as I owe too many people in my life for different things. That is the problem, see, I am already begging and borrowing just to survive right now. You can't live like that forever.
I do not have enough friends or family (who will help in this way) to call on at this point who could make a difference for me. To make a difference would take something that I know pretty much nobody reading this has. My clients are homeless. My coworkers are becoming homeless themselves, transitioning to their cars (so fucking sad) in the 110 degree heat. We are all getting to the end of our ropes. I do not know what this will look like for them. I know my situation with medicaiton is my own problem. I could have started doing this a long time ago, but I didn't. I could've gotten clean sooner, but I didn't.
I am concerned for myself, but also alm of the other people that are going to be affected by these reductions in services. When Russia invaded Crimea back in 2014 they made Methadone illegal overnight. Everyone just showed up in the morning to get their shit and the doors were locked. My understanding is, no warnings, no tapers of any kind. As you might expect, some lost their lives in a variety of ways as a result of this sudden, immediate hit. The bus is $3 here one way and $5 if you're coming near the strip.
I know it is a sad fact, but as we know, it is survival of the fittest when meat is thin and some people get trampled.
Political winds are shifting, maybe. This Presidency has not valued rule of law up until now. Besides, they have two years left with which to continue destroying the country.
You have to have hope though. There is always the possibility that we can get out of this. It definitely will take unity so I am not going to shit on any one's beliefs as that is the problem more than anything, because if we can't agree, nothing happens.
I'm just not really sure at this point guys. I pray every day that at least my life will be able to make a difference in this world somehow before my time is up. I spent so many years living for myself, thinking I understood love. I was a fool. So many wasted years. I get to experience my quest for sobriety at the same time the world starts ending (Trump's first term). I wish I could go back to Cambodia or Iraq and smell the food, touch the poppies, look the people in the eye instead of looking right through them with my dope eyes. I wish I had had time to be a better person than I was, but I can't go back now.
It has been hard guys. I'm coming to the end and there is no obvious path to take that leads me to salvation. I have two jobs. I have no time for myself. I am being broken by the stress of my job, homeless people disappearing, in fear for their lives from the police meant to protect them, the destruction of everything that I felt made humanity truly great... Now I get to watch my fellow man sacrifice the weak for their goals and I am not strong nor smart enough to stop them. Like I said, I pray at least that I will be able to use my life to make a difference, not for myself, I have been selfish my whole life, I want to give my life for something good.
I wish things were better. I'm gonna be around for the time being, but as things keep falling apart, I question how much longer I'm gonna be able to do anything that I love for much longer. My greatest hope is that I will be able to get off this shit in time to be useful for what is coming, because something is coming. I love all of you guys. 13 years of my life were well-spent on these forums. You all helped show me what love truly means and I will always be grateful for the opportunity to help and be a friend.
Love,
@Keif' Richards
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