Happiness. I'm stuck in this miserable loop of negative thoughts that makes me want to end it all.
Cheer up pal! It's probably the benzos bringing you down, making you feel worthless. (I saw you were taking very large doses.) Try normal doses, I tapered ~250mg diazepam/day to 10mg/day in 3 weeks while going cold turkey on 800mg tramadol/day at the same time. I'm not lecturing you at all, because I've been there. I speak from experience, I used to take ginormous amounts of all kinds of benzos, oxy, tramadol & tilidine and I too was suicidal and depressed.
If it's not the benzo's but the lack of benzos (or heroin) that's causing this I would advise therapy (This was suggested to me when I was in misery, I even tried it. Didn't work, I don't believe in that stuff, but it shows results in some, so why not try it?)
I had to get kicked out of my house by my parents before I fully realised I was heading down a very self-destructive path and I needed to change. Everybody can make it, believe in yourself!
The first steps towards curing depression are getting your thoughts straight and taking good care of yourself. By taking good care of yourself I mean you should keep your surroundings neat and clean, try to exercise, try moderation when using drugs. Take them for fun, not to forget. You should also try to eat a healthy diet. A healthy body isn't a healthy mind per sé, but it certainly helps.
Keyword against depression: Pride, you need to be able to say your proud of something you accomplished or are doing. This should give you the satisfaction that you're now looking for in drugs.
I still am depressed myself, but I'm doing so much better than around newyears. Depression doesn't "heal" overnight. Step out of that loop of misery (I know, it's hard) and please,
please don't do anything stupid!!
I really hope you get back on your feet soon!!
Peace,
PTC
OT: GHB, but I'll probably have to go with alcohol because I don't have any GHB. booo.