Hey I am new here and struggling and don’t even know what I am. I think of myself as an addict, but have only been taking the same small dose of hydrocodone for nearly 20 years (20mg a day). I know that is nothing compared to most people, but to me I can’t live without it. I can, but I don’t like or want to. I very rarely have to do without and also very rarely have my own prescription. I have an appt coming up in a couple of hours and am planning on telling my life long Dr for the first time ever that I’ve been taking these without a script ever since we discovered my chiari malformation years ago. He gave them to me for a while, but eventually stopped. I was still in extreme pain then. Something changed and I no longer have the awful headaches near as often and the nerves in my neck don’t act up as much, but I am still dependent on the meds to get by and be happy. I rarely take less than 2 a day, and also rarely take more than 2. I have never stole or robbed or done anything immoral and never would and don’t get wd bad enough to ever consider anything like that and have detoxed many times over the years when I knew I was a screwed for a while. I feel like there are no negatives to my “meds” and pray the dr isn’t going to slap a label on me but I’m sick and tired of feeling dirty and feel I am responsible and want my own long term monthly prescription. Am I an addict? Do I just need my meds and am not an addict? I have a good doctor and just fear he’s going to be disappointed and let down more than I fear I won’t get what I can already get anyway. Like I said I’m just tired of the bs and feel I “deserve” to have my own legal script. I am 38 and farm and manual labor my entire life. Seems kinda bs I’m having to type this out but here we are..
-
NMI Moderators: Coffeeshroom
What am I?
- Thread starter Would
- Start date
Nurse Ratched
Bluelight Crew
Welcome to Bluelight. How did you find us? Have you read the forum before just never joined?
To answer your question about " Am I an addict " is pretty tough. Most Dr's view addiction as continuing to take drugs even if it causes us problems. Doesn't sound like your use is causing you many problems you would just like your own script. And if you indeed have legitimate pain that's not hard to understand. Your Dr. is probably going to know if you have real pain assuming you have been seeing him for awhile. He may prescribe for you and he may not. 10 years ago it was easier than it is now. Sometimes they want to try other substances such as Lyrica or gabapentin.
If you feel like you can't go a day without pills even if you don't have any pain then you probably have a psychological dependence as opposed to a physical one. I wasn't physically hooked but I was most assuredly mentally hooked. Still miss them occasionally but I don't need them to survive. Ibuprofen and Advil works fine.
So you are probably mentally addicted to the pills and only you can decide how you want the rest of your life to go. The pills can become a ball and chain after awhile and the benefits don't outweigh the hassles. Don't go in asking for Vicodin if you don't know your Dr. that well. Just explain your pain and see what he/she says. You might get started on codeine or tramadol at first to see how that works instead of going straight to Vicodin. Sometimes we have to work up to the meds we really want and follow Dr.s orders to show we can be trusted.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Physical dependence, psychological dependence, and being an "addict" are all different things. My idea of an "addict" is someone who is both physically and/or psychologically dependent on drugs and continues to use them to the detriment of their lives or their families. Someone who cannot function properly without them (different for chronic pain patients). When our use starts to negatively impact our lives, and we can't stop by ourself, this is addiction.
May I ask why you suddenly feel the need to tell your doctor about your use without a prescription?
In my experience, especially after the last 10 years, this will most likely backfire on you. The doctor will most likely label you as someone with opioid use disorder and will be extremely reluctant to prescribe you any controlled drugs in the future. It may even go on your medical record and any other doctor within the medical system you go to will see it and react the same way (I'm assuming you live in the USA here, may be different elsewhere).
I don't want to discourage you from talking to your doctor about it if you feel that's the right decision, though. If the reason you want to tell your doctor is because your use is causing you distress or guilt, I highly suggest going somewhere else to talk about it. A psychiatrist, an outpatient rehab program, there are several options.
I don't advise anyone necessarily lie to their doctors, but with drug use discretion is often the best choice. I have learned this the hard way many times.
Welcome to BL
As bad as I hate to admit it I believe you’re right about the mental addiction. I know of Bluelight and erowid because I haven’t always been 40 and responsible. I just never posted or got on very often. To be clear, I’m not a saint who has also railed out some Oxys in my early 20s or been to plenty of music festivals, but I have never shot up anything or been deep in the grip of anything. Just fun. But codeine or tram doesn’t do the trick. Then I got off a roller coaster one day and my life was changed. I thought I had whiplash and finally went to this same Dr weeks later and got brain mri and dx’d with Chiari and struggled with intense pain for years. I feel like with my farm and extreme “get the job done no matter what” type attitude and suffering in silence for years that I’m “tough” or something. Yes, I’m in pain every single day. Am I laying in the floor sobbing? Not anymore. Do I struggle to “live” because I can’t concentrate on anything but the pain when I don’t have them? Yes, even if I’m not crying and moaning and carrying on. I hate when they say rate your pain from 1-10 10 being the worst pain you can imagine. Well if I’m imagining being cooked alive by steam while having acid dumped on my head then I’m about a 1. If we’re comparing it to a terrible migraine then an 8…
Idk I just know I am struggling with it. I want my own legit script even though I have a full bottle here that’s not. I want to do it right. I want to legally pass a piss test if need be. I don’t want to worry about getting pulled over. I want to feel like a decent human even though I take a small dose of a mild opioid every day. Why is everything so complicated….
Nurse Ratched
Bluelight Crew
I'm gonna assume that you have a friend or family member that gets a script but doesn't take it. Hence having full bottles at your disposal. And why you would like to get your own script so as to not rely on whoever you are getting it from.
You sound like you have actual legitimate pain. Tell your Dr. that and if you have a good relationship with him/her i'm sure they will understand. Especially if you have never had a script from them before and abused it. They are either gonna help you out or try you on something different. You won't know until you finish the appointment. It is really difficult to get scripted narcotic pain meds but legitimate patients with legitimate issues shouldn't have to suffer.
All you can do is try. Be honest, be forthright and even if he offers you codeine take it. After a few months if it doesn't work for ya he may be more amenable to scripting you the Vicodin.
Iceman1216
Bluelighter
I am just checking in o say Hello, and hows it going? This post is very helpful to me because of the great information that has so generously been given. I am older 62 and been on Norco for 10 years now!! Where did the time go??
I take double your dose 40mgs a day. I think I want to stop?? Is that not the Great addicts riddle??
I have chronic pain in neck and shoulders from radiation treatments from cancer.
But now I feel I may also be taking them to numb my emoticons????
As older,[how the fuck did this happen , so fast??) and Cancer survivor, fear of a recurrence is high.
My 85 year old Mom has had a stroke and is now in a wheel chair. Other family difficulties as well mostly $$, I am over whelme ( or at least my addict mind tells me that.
I have a dr and a script, never run out, and really hold my dose as low as I can, but It has gone up over 10 years from 10mgs to 40.
I have never taken more than my script which is 60 mgs per day.
So I have no rime or reason for the post, just sitting in front of my computer, I mild withdrawals, 12 since my last dose, waiting for the Runs to start, before I take a 5mg and start the day off again?
OP wonder hows it going with you?
All is well
ICEWhat am I?
Some part of a species dead set on death. Sorry.
I think by you posting that you are someone. Now what...?
I have been looking for answers to this from gens and have been told and found for myself over time what I think i "know" idh
One thing does not define who/what I become at any time or space.
Hold on
...
i mised this somehow will will be back if i dont pass out
peace all
gotta do stuff
TheUltimateFixx
Bluelighter
You just answered yourself. You say that you can, but you 'don't like or want to'. If this medication significantly improves your life, therefore you are CHOOSING to take it, I don't see why you should label yourself an addict for it.
Do you get so hung up on the term because of how negatively it's viewed? Again you say yourself you never have, and never would consider resorting to criminal behaviour to continue your modest habit, and that doesn't sound like 'addict' behaviour to me. And even addiction, however you would define it, need not in and of itself equal dysfunction or personal degradation. Historically there were for instance plenty of people addicted to morphine who led thoroughly respectable lives and often continued to practice demanding jobs.
If it benefits your wellbeing physically and / or mentally, you should get a script ; there's also no reason for you to feel 'dirty'. Don't shit on yourself so much. Life is a hard journey, whatever can lighten the load WITHOUT adding its own load is not addiction in my book.
