Look at all the "influencers" (sorry i cannot) do they not all seem like rubber stamped clones just looking for validation? They do to me its like the same people that live and die on how other perceive them.
What kinda life it that?.
I hear you. Sometimes I feel like I'm searching for validation, though, too. It doesn't mold me into someone I'm not, more so exists because, like I've been saying, other people make me question how I do things.
I've seen many people in highschool change in age with this shit. Like, nerd getting buff, jock getting his doctorate, Ive by and large staid pretty consistent, at least with my outward expression, despite the drug abuse and life experiences.
My therapist always remind me we are dual entities. And it’s true.
I really pushed her on the whole "how do I come off to you" thing Monday, part of me still frustrated, but most of me satisfied with an answer similar to yours and moving on
My only real close friendships have been with ex-girlfriends. I get exhausted around people very quickly if I'm not intoxicated.
Hey SJB, I relate to the other parts of your post too, but this part I was wondering: is it because you let yourself be vulnerable with them and they accepted you moreso than others?
In regards to the other part of your post, guilt has always confused me. The most of it I felt recently is when I was using "against my will" and chose that over my SO. I am cognizant of how fucked up that was. I am just unsure of how long that feeling will stick with me.
its always the weird ones that do amazing things.
no wonder the normies feel uncomfortable.
there inspiration goes about as far as the tv remote and social media.
Yup!!
I know it sounds cliche especially because so many folks have already stated as much in this thread, but I have honestly felt this way for most of my life. In that sense, I think you are definitely not alone. It can just be difficult to connect with other outsiders sometimes because the world is so saturated with normies.
A lyric to a song I wrote back in 2003/2004 goes like this:
This place is really crowded but feels like you're alone
Lonesome is your only home
Ten thousand faces seem to recognize
What it is your hiding behind those eyes
I have been expressing myself through music and songwriting for nearly 20 years now. It has been a therapeutic effort that literally saved my life and it's given me a reason to keep living. The kicker is that I'm basically a socialist and loathe capitalism and have never been in a hurry to make my music even marketable. I just record full length albums to share with friends and family. Mostly family since I don't have a huge amount of friends IRL.
Even though BL is a great support network with plenty of freaks and outsiders with which to find things in common, I hope you are able to find your people out there, maybe a small niche community of other weirdos. We're around but since many of us are introverted, it takes work to find us. Peace!
Awesome.
I love music too. Used to play. I make FB stories lip synching songs for families and friends with my cat in the background.
Feels good to express myself like that.
