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Weirdos n freaks

mtu mwendawazimu

mtu mwendawazimu

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
17,258
To whom it may concern,

It feels like I'm living a double life. I hold it together, until I don't. It seeps out when I'm under lots of stress. I desperately need someone to know and accept all of me, but even I don't know and accept all of me.

I'm not stupid, not an angel, not a devil, I'm a 30 year old male and I like lots of different cheeses.

Sometimes I can't help but be silly, even in a professional setting. I often don't know how I'm coming off to people, and just, feel like I'm missing something that everyone else has.

I know someone here can relate.

Not just because we're high or drunk, but does anyone else feel like a baseline outsider?
 
Ye.Chat is good...is easy.Direct comunication is other thing....rarely find a person who can grab my attention...may be too much time in isolation some kind.not much smarter than the others,no much stupid....so..so.Ye people tell me that i am crazy,but that's not true.Too much betrayals.Don't trust easily...here-there...it's all the same.Same like the othershttps://youtu.be/RijB8wnJCN0
 
don't worry - with time, you'll give a shit less what others think


the only thing that matters, is that you know that you're trying to do the right thing, for the most part anyway

and you're you - you're not everybody else - and you don't wanna be anybody else, because those ppl are fucked up

;)
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
To whom it may concern,

It feels like I'm living a double life. I hold it together, until I don't. It seeps out when I'm under lots of stress. I desperately need someone to know and accept all of me, but even I don't know and accept all of me.

I'm not stupid, not an angel, not a devil, I'm a 30 year old male and I like lots of different cheeses.

Sometimes I can't help but be silly, even in a professional setting. I often don't know how I'm coming off to people, and just, feel like I'm missing something that everyone else has.

I know someone here can relate.

Not just because we're high or drunk, but does anyone else feel like a baseline outsider?
Click to expand...
Feels like I wrote this myself.

I relate completely. I've always gravitated to the weird, subnormal people. Felt like home. I also fit in with the normal people, but feels like I'm living a lie when I do.

I don't look at it like I'm "missing something that others have". I think normal people are missing something that I have.

Normies are basic as fuck and can't think for themselves, they let society think for them. Their skulls are stuffed with cotton, their mouths are filled with dust. Scarecrows. Cabbage patch kids. Hollow chocolate bunny rabbits fucking uncontrollably.

...play them the greatest music from the last 100 years, and they can't hear it.

"normal" is a sham.
 
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Snafu in the Void said:
I don't look at it like I'm "missing something that others have". I think normal people are missing something that I have.
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Sometimes I get in this mindset. I complained to my girlfriend recently, saying "why does no one else be themselves, all the time? Why do they need alcohol to say something saucy? Why don't they talk about real shit instead of the weather?"

She told me that people do all that, just on their own time.

I am not sure how I feel about that. I still feel like people are largely afraid to be themselves and say what's truly on their mind. That's why I love her. She's straight up with me.

But the majority of the time, I just want to fit in. Don't get me wrong Snafu, I value my way of living a lot, I just feel like I'm missing out on something.

But it's reassuring to hear you say I'm probably not.
 
Mr. Krinkle said:
you never know just how you look through other peoples eyes
Click to expand...
mtu mwendawazimu said:
Yeah, totally.

Maybe I just need to accept that and not worry about it.

I feel like I am just not appropriate for the situation most the times. I hate that feeling. Like everyone is in on it but me
Click to expand...
Mr. Krinkle said:
don't worry - with time, you'll give a shit less what others think


the only thing that matters, is that you know that you're trying to do the right thing, for the most part anyway

and you're you - you're not everybody else - and you don't wanna be anybody else, because those ppl are fucked up

;)
Click to expand...
This. Exactly this.
It's actually well known phenomenon in the field of social psychology where most people think that others focus on and remember things you do, say, behave, even the things you wear etc. The reality is (and there are MANY studies done on this) is that others notice and think about you FAR LESS than you presume they do. In actual fact, most people don't even remember what you wear, how you have your hair done, what mood you were in, that silly thing you said in that meeting, anything like that, even if they spend the whole day with you in the office at work. Similar to social situations as well, especially if alcohol is involved. No one will remember jack shit nor will they care 😄

So basically, try not to worry about it. I know it's hard though cos I have the exact same problem.
 
Thanks for that insight @n3ophy7e

It will be hard to shake that feeling though. I'm almost convinced I am unlike the vast majority of the population in some pretty significant ways, that is hard to put my finger on
 
A lot of days I'm not bothered by this.

I find I'm most bothered when things aren't going my way. I start to question if my way is the right way.
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
A lot of days I'm not bothered by this.

I find I'm most bothered when things aren't going my way. I start to question if my way is the right way.
Click to expand...
I know that this is a very cliché thing to day these days but...have you been assessed for autism? What you're describing sounds very similar to what I've read and heard from autistic people and their experiences.
 
n3ophy7e said:
I know that this is a very cliché thing to day these days but...have you been assessed for autism? What you're describing sounds very similar to what I've read and heard from autistic people and their experiences.
Click to expand...

No but I've taken those bullshit online tests and scored pretty high.

I am socially aware, though. Grew up extremely shy but now I'm an open book. Very perceptive, can read *most* ques, but yeah I mean I'd by lying if I said I'm sometimes confused and things go over my head.

Say I was autistic. What would you advise someone like that?
 
I also got assessed for antisocial personality disorder when I was an active addict, but what addict isn't
 
@n3ophy7e

I scored a bit above average for autism in adults, but very above average in "camouflage" autistic traits. 134, average is 94 for neurotypicsl, 109 for autism, I got 134?



 
I'm on phone with therapist she said I'm hands down not autistic. Says my personality is "fluid"
 
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mtu mwendawazimu said:
I'm on phone with therapist she said I'm hands down not autistic. Says my personality is "fluid"
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Therapist or psychiatrist?

There is a specific assessment that needs to be done. It's more difficult to diagnose than most conditions.

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 29. It's easy to overlook in a lot of people. Sometimes requires a specialist.
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
To whom it may concern,

It feels like I'm living a double life. I hold it together, until I don't. It seeps out when I'm under lots of stress. I desperately need someone to know and accept all of me, but even I don't know and accept all of me.

I'm not stupid, not an angel, not a devil, I'm a 30 year old male and I like lots of different cheeses.

Sometimes I can't help but be silly, even in a professional setting. I often don't know how I'm coming off to people, and just, feel like I'm missing something that everyone else has.

I know someone here can relate.

Not just because we're high or drunk, but does anyone else feel like a baseline outsider?
Click to expand...

Bitch, you know I love every part of who you are.

And, yes, even within really niche groups I'm a part of, I still feel like I don't entirely fit in still
 
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