Web Dating, Users, Etc.

[leiphos]

My girlfriend's outstayed her welcome at my flat. I'm likely ousting her - question is which month she’ll go. She’s using me, but that’s not the point.

The point is I can't meet people: in bars or clubs (due to money restrictions, which could change come summer). I’m thinking instead of applying for a few online dating sites, to match up needs, desires and interests with someone similar who lives nearby. I think internet dating might be the future as far as couples/friends meeting, and in my case I'm looking to date and establish romance.

Like said, I’ve my own flat, so that's advantageous. Until the summer, I won't have much money, but do have real estate fully equip with internet, appliances, and all other accommodations - if mystery woman wants to stay. If there is one, that is…

You see, the people I have met in my life, as a on-off grad student of art/writing, are people not really my taste. My current lady isn’t’ either…

Ok, now here's the kicker. So I recognize that this forum doesn't cover drugs – fair enough. But my question is, in the context of relationships solely, as relationships often overlap with use (a big factor in BLers discovery of romantic compatibility) do you BLers out there think it's best to list myself online with dating sites to first seek out other writing students like me (a questionable selection btw...) or something else – something more druggie…? Like I said: got no money for bars until summer, maybe a bit sooner - I don't know.

Ultimately, what way does one find other people accepting of substance use/abuse in the context of relationship compatibility? I'd love to use other BLer's experiences - and all other relevant advice.

Thanks a ton, anyone. Given my current situation, I'm rather pessimistic. But I still wanted to ask.

 

[trooper7]

Hm. Well years ago, I had a profile on an online dating site. I mentioned all my hobbies, legal and illegal. I got a shitload of responses, so, just be honest? Don't pigeon hole yourself or the people you might meet. Run some shit up the flagpole and see who salutes.

 

[jerzeezfinest]

I dont know about the UK where it sounds like you're probably from but in big metro areas in the states OkCupid is a widely used, free site for dating. It's mostly young people and they have a lot of drug questions (user-created questions and ratings are of coursed used for the matching % algorithms). I've seen a lot of people say they use drugs and I think they probably get a lot of responses too, FWiW.

 

[leiphos]

I dont know about the UK where it sounds like you're probably from but in big metro areas in the states OkCupid is a widely used, free site for dating. It's mostly young people and they have a lot of drug questions (user-created questions and ratings are of coursed used for the matching % algorithms). I've seen a lot of people say they use drugs and I think they probably get a lot of responses too, FWiW.

I'm from the good ol' USA and really appreciate that suggestion. Sounds like it's a lot less taboo than I thought.

 

[GenericMind]

Facebook.

 

[llama112]

Online dating works for some people. You might as well try - what do you have to lose? If it doesn't work out, whatever, at least you tried, right?

 

[LilbabiC]

Online dating is a good way to meet people. But, sometimes a person will portray themselves in such a way that is not true to their character. I don't find that the men I have met are necessarily lying, but rather they don't know themselves well enough to put forth their true character.

 

[alasdairm]

But my question is, in the context of relationships solely, as relationships often overlap with use (a big factor in BLers discovery of romantic compatibility) do you BLers out there think it's best to list myself online with dating sites to first seek out other writing students like me (a questionable selection btw...) or something else – something more druggie…?

to me, the question is not very clear. are you asking how you should describe yourself in your online profile. why not just fill it out as honestly as you can? in that case, when you meet somebody, you won't have to constantly be thinking about what you omitted and what you embellished.

you can mention your drug use using socially-acceptable euphemisms (e.g. 420-friendly)...

alasdair

 

[LuGoJ]

Looking for a potential mate that is interested in drugs online is probably a bad idea. I would try to make friends for a while and see where that goes so you have ample time to make sure they aren’t a basket case. The last thing you need is someone that's going to take you for a ride again. Dating websites are full of manipulators and scam minded folk as it is.

Why not take a few months off from dating and focus on yourself, what went wrong in the relationship, what you could have done differently etc. You should also take this time to look at your last girlfriend and past girlfriends to figure out why you chose them, if there is an unhealthy trait you are attracted to you want to make sure you don’t choose someone with that same trait. It’s easy to say “oh, I didn’t do anything wrong” but that’s usually bullshit, we all make poor decisions and choices and It’s important to recognize them so you don’t repeat it. Let’s be honest here, when you find someone new you aren’t going to be spending your time analyzing your past relationships and self, you are going to be focused on the new person.

 

[Sepher]

You planning specifically for something that could turn long-term and deep, or a bit of fun now and again with easy going company, friends with benefits type thing or occasional dates with people who're interesting and interested as you try them on for size? I'd suggest your approach be the same regardless of long term intentions or lack thereof. Just aim to meet as many new people as you can if you find there's an interested spark between you. You don't have to be upfront about every single little thing you do when things are casual or just getting started, you can discuss anything serious when the time is right if things develop and require it. Put out what you're looking for, and demonstrate you're creativity in your writing, see who bites, being ready to make the most of opportunities that come you're way, even if they're not exactly what you intended or otherwise foresaw. My experience is with swinging sites where I didn't know what I was looking for on there, if anything at all, and certainly not intending I use the site for its intended purpose all that much when I stumbled across it in the days when I barely knew swinging even existed, it being some suburban 70s cliche about car keys in bowls for all I knew about it, but in my experience you need more than a well-written profile spelling out your likes and dislikes and strengths despite the odd foible, no matter how long, detailed and revealing. Profiles like that are ten a penny on dating sites. You need to be more active than that to stand out from the crowd.

I found that just being my newly exuberant enthusiastic self what with the novelty of it all, naive as I was and quite evidently so but wearing my heart pretty much on sleeve and occasionally making people laugh at the sheer absurdity of me of all people hanging around a site where a few hundred couples and fems had their pick of the thousands of male wannabe playthings available, all of them eager to put their claims of VVVWE cocks and repeat performing staying power to the test as if I was even in that category to begin was all anyone required of me. It was enough to get me noticed and taken seriously, or at least given the benefit of the doubt as to my bona fide good intentions till I proved myself to be anything other than what I said I was. That's the beauty of forums on sites like that. You reveal more of your real spontaneous self or what seems to be your spontaneous self given the benefit of the chance to reflect long and hard before even the most of the cuff remark when you're responding to real people and real events in a way that makes it very difficult to maintain a mask for long if you're trying to keep the real you hidden behind the smoke, tricks and mirrors. I didn't feel the need for anything other than complete and frank openess anyways, it being a really good site with good regulars and the forum as it was is still the single best I've come across before or since as far as emotional intelligence, wit, sexually flirtacious and dirtily licentious banter with occasional bouts of surreal comedy genius at the sheer absurdity of it all. All I had to do was keep contributing where I could enoying the occasional responses I got and quickly got noticed by a handful of people on my wavelength who got me and encouraged me to go with it, see what happened, not with any sexual intent, but because they recognised a fellow traveller. The big site get togethers became open to me, and that opened doors to smaller more select parties and invitations to test things out with those more experienced or those as new, nervous and excited by unlooked for possibilities free from judgement or expectations beyond what all parties agreed to by way of a mutual explore of each others fantasies and boundaries. No matter what sort of dating site sort you run with the same dynamic holds true. Some will be more explictly upfront about their target market being those looking for uncomplicated sex and lots of it, some will pretend to be all about romance, marriage, roses round the door to their nice suburban lifestyle with the mandatory 2.4 kids but it's all the same thing underneath : creating a mental image in the hands of anothers imagination open to new possibilities. The more of the real you you put into that, the more you'll get out.

 

[Noodle]

I'm undecided about how much value to place in internet sites over realtime lust/love wandering.

 

[Sepher]

It depends what you want out of them and how important that is in terms of the emotional investment, and your time and energy Noodle. Met my current more than likely ex or soon to be ex partner at a get together, decided we liked the look of eachother having crossed posts on the forum many times previously, arranged to go out to a club together first for a test of eachothers desire and desirability, nights in at home and occasional party invites out together as friends and playmates following from there, she having an open relationship with her boyfriend studying across the channel in mainland northern Europe who'd introduced her to swinging as a an avenue to explore their relationship and fantasies and her own bisexual leanings from there. That's the main benefit of dating by web. It enables the free expression of those fantasies more easily because you're not involved IRL on a daily basis.


Made friends over the last 7 or 8 years on there either first as a single guy in my own right or later as part of a makeshift FWB couple evolving into a real relationship have stood the test of time and have real value to them and to me, most of them having no sexual component whatsoever, beyond maybe having once sat naked together in hot tubs or on a sofa at a party and enjoyed the odd long toe-curling kiss or the pleasures of giving or receiving oral sex with no cares or hang ups beyond the freedom to indulge ourselves in the pleasure of it without permission or apology, having only ourselves and our erogenous zones to please so long as ended in the pleasure of our own orgasm, or the pleasure in being responsible for a good one of theirs. Got friends north, south, east and west all over the country I know I could call on for help if I needed it, and they'd offer it willingly, going out of their way to do it with not so much as a grateful kiss, with or without tongues let alone in the hope of a few hours of glorious, ecstatic, loud and messy and dirty little slutty sex. The point is the relationships you make can be as shallow or profoundly sincere as you wanna make them.

 

[Noodle]

And it also takes two to tango.

The rub is finding someone with the same focus and intentions as myself.

I guess some very specific sites like e-harmony count on creating a brand that promises no nonsense compatability. My experiences on other sites has varied widely enough to make me think I'm over giving such things anymore of my money or time.

 

[Bardeaux]

Alot of them ask about your drug usage and drinking habits so they can be displayed on your profile. Usually a "recreational drugs: never/occasionally/socially/often/heavily" sort of spectrum.

 

[Sepher]

The rub is finding someone with the same focus and intentions as myself.

I guess some very specific sites like e-harmony count on creating a brand that promises no nonsense compatability. My experiences on other sites has varied widely enough to make me think I'm over giving such things anymore of my money or time.

Sure, why would you pay for membership when there are countess other free sites out there that would suit your purposes just as well, if not better, barring a requirement that makes the USP of a particular site worth paying for the privelege of having. I'd never pay for membership on a dating site. Don't do it on the swinging sites I'm a member of and strongly opposed to the idea that I or anyone else should become a commodity to be offered for sale to others on receipt of the membership fee. Fair play to those that do choose to do that, each to their own, but I find the whole paying for a websites unique matchmaking skills knowing that they offer all their million + members the exact same form with the exact same questions and the exact same limited range of reponses to choose from as if the results they get from that allow for anything even remotely closely matched except at the most broad and basic level. Rubbish. The attraction is based on what someone chooses to reveal to you in the hope you'l like what you see, not a bloody multiple choice questionnaire.