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We know it's over, still together. What now?

_mistresspoppy_

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 23, 2010
Messages
169
Hi. It's me, the young woman with a much older fiancee, who thought everything was going great and we were going to get married and be happily ever after. I overlooked so many signs, have given up so many little things. He likes to give me ultimatums- lose the nipple rings or I'll never touch you again, go to church with me or I'll date a girl who will. And then theres the controlling little moves- you look hot with your hair that way, don't change it, to---> I hate your hair when you change it, why do you do that? And then the issue of him looking up porn and getting viruses 4-5 times and dumping ALL of the data on my computer, term Papers, projects, etc, and REFUSING to apologize. He genuinely thinks he's funny. I tried to talk to him about our problems, which he refuses to acknowledge. We both know we can't go on forever. I like the city and tattoos and I want to do exotic dancing to feel beautiful. He likes the suburbs and little girl outfits and wants to fuck my friends while I watch. If they won't fuck him, I'm not allowed to see them anymore. That's his words. He has this "godfather" thing, hes 1/32nd Italian and thinks that makes him entitled to control his woman like don Corleone. and I can never sort out what's true and what's a joke because he can't be serious. I finally told him "you can have a real, modern wife or no wife at all. I'm not your humble italian woman." and he just said, calmly, "I guess it's no wife". So we've agreed were not getting married and we won't work put in the long term, but when I asked what's next, he said nothing. It seems like were going to continue on, until the next ultimatum where well just go our separate ways. I just get these crushing moments of anxiety, wondering what things will be like in the future without him, but he hasn't left yet. I'm not in any hurry to lose him, but I'm done giving up parts of me to meet his demands. I'm just going to be me, and when he can't take it anymore, I guess... I guess I'm posting this to get my thoughts straight, maybe get some sympathy or advice on where to go from here. It seems like we broke up without actually breaking up. I'm okay, and it feelslike I've known this is coming for awhile. But every now and then, it feels like the world is dropping out from under me and I want to crawl to him on my knees and apologize. But I always apologize. I apologize for snapping at him when he deleted a 20 hour animation project after looking at zoo-porn. I apologize for not wanting to have sex with him becuase he made me feel so ugly that he'd rather sleep with my best friend. I apologize for asking to go to the movies with that friend because she doesn't want him to come along. Why? Becuase he constantly makes passes at her! Now I'm ranting, I'm sorry, I just need to see this all to make sense of it. How do people do this? My first real relationship, three years of my life. I don't hate him, in spite of all of this. I really do love him, still. Were still together, technically. But he said it himself "were too different". He also said he's too old, which I don't believe. He's just stubborn and old fashioned and uncompromising. But we still kiss each other and say I love you. There's a distance, I think, that wasn't there before. Were in relationship limbo. I just need help, maybe a psychiatrist or at least a guy with Xanax. This sucks. I dont know if well work this out or not. My firm resolution is that I won't change myself anymore for him.
 
Oh wow, this sucks.

This man is an absolute pig, no question about it. Run as far as you can, and do it fast. You are SO much better off without him, I cannot stress that enough. Sounds cliche, but in this situation, it rings absolutely true.

This is your first real relationship. Once you find a real man that loves you, you won't know what hit you. You'll look back at this and have no idea how or why you put up with it.

Seriously, leave him. Don't allow it to drag on. This man is manipulative to the max, and as long as it suits him to have you around, he'll attempt to stop you from leaving. Leave now before you lose all your friends, family, self-esteem etc. etc. because this is the type of guy that'll take it all from you.

Pack your stuff, and get the fuck out.
 
Friends and self esteems are pretty much gone. Ive got him and my pets, a dog and a cat. I made him sound worse than he really is, he can be an ass, but I don't think he intends to be. I believe he does love me. And I'm afraid to lose him and have nothing left. I have no one in real life I can talk to. My parents don't know about him and would say they told me so if they did. I just want someone to brush my hair like when I was a little girl and hold me. The cat can be snuggly when he feels like it, I guess. I just want someone next to me, even if the sex is rare and not that good, and he doesn't know how to comfort me, nor would he take it seriously. I just don't want to push the subject with him. We know we won't work out in the long run, but I don't want to be alone right now.
 
I understand what you're saying, and it's really tough :(

The problem with waiting for the right time/strength to break up with someone is that when you're in a draining relationship, you often get progressively weaker and more emotionally exhausted as time goes on. I know you don't want to be alone right now, but it seems like the absolute best thing you can do for yourself at this point.

Don't torture yourself by dragging it on. Reach out to your friends and family, and find some support. Leave him as soon as possible, it just gets harder if you don't. You don't want to waste anymore time with this man. You deserve better. You deserve someone that loves and respects you. The more time you waste staying with this guy, the longer you deprive yourself of happiness.
 
I'm still awake, thought I'd check this out one more time. I sent a message to one of the friends I'd, eh, broken away from because of my bf. I want to start making things right with the people I've pissed off because of him, and then go from there. If he finds out about it, or about this post, I won't have to bother breaking things off cleanly with him. If he's true to his threats, the second I texted that girl, he'll be gone. Gods, that's scary to think about. I'm going to start being me and see what happens. Thank you For your support Mel!
 
Definitely a good idea to make amends with your friends. It's disgusting that you were pushed into cutting them off ("...and wants to fuck my friends while I watch. If they won't fuck him, I'm not allowed to see them anymore. That's his words.")

You really do deserve better, and I wish you all the best.
 
Word of advice, and maybe this is just me, but I think you should just leave him. Dont let someone weird like that touch you anymore. Then again, you did say you want to be a stripper so maybe you dont care if someone that you dont care for touches you.

Personally I think its important that you dont let this piggish man touch you. But im biased..
 
This dude is wacked in the head. He sounds like a Nazi pimp. I'd get a restraining order like immediately.
 
Wow, this is incredibly disturbing, but this is why he can't find a girl his age. Younger girls in need are much easier to control. This guy just sounds incredibly disgusting, manipulative, and he likely targets young girls who are vulnerable for him to control. And YOU don't have to let him and it is NOT YOUR FAULT. He is, however, making you feel like a bad guy for not catering to his very fucked up behavior, and you need to stop that.

When you say you haven't really broken up, are you still living with him? Do you need to live with him? You need to harden up and start saving, especially if you need him for a place to stay but need to get out. When you have enough money, do not tell him you're leaving. Just leave.
 
Wow and I thought I had it bad. Sounds like u love him but not in love w/him. Regardless, I wouldnt tolerate any creepy stuff like that plus all the cutting of friends because of him. He has no Respect for you. He is using you. And im a 37yr old male telling you this. Take it for what its worth. I hope u make the right choice and there are millions of guys out there. Good luck to you. RB
 
I'm going to be honest I would break up with him and cut all contact with him. Tell him this and be clear, and tell him why you're breaking up and cutting off all contact, and whatever you do don't stay in contact with him or if he contacts you and promises to be nice or not do things he did in the past don't fall for it or take him back. I agree that based on what you wrote this person sounds very manipulative, immature, and toxic towards other people that are in a "relationship" with him.

Can you move out? Even if it's to a friend's place temporarily or to a parent/relative's place? If he gets stalkerish a restraining order would not be a bad idea either.

I know a lot of people live with their ex's but I don't think this is a good idea. Also if you share a computer is there a way you could make an account for yourself only with a password so he can't login and delete everything? Or can you get a cheap laptop, borrow a friend's computer, or maybe just backup everything you need for classes constantly on a USB flash drive you keep hidden?
 
It really doesn't sound like he deserves to be with you. I think you should just break up with him, get it over with - rip the bandaid off. It'll all be better afterwards and you can begin to reconstruct your life without such a jerk in it. You deserve better.
Good luck <3
 
Thank you for all your support, reading this has really helped put things in perspective. And, drum roll please,
UPDATE-------------------**********************
he made the first move and said he didn't see a way we could be together, as I want to go to collegeout of state and he refuses to leave. Instead of groveling and crying to him, I simply agreed (we've done this before, my usual response is groveling) that we needed to separate. I told him I loved him, he said he loved me, and it was a sad but peaceful breakup, or so I thought. Then things got nasty. He said I gave up so easily I must not love him, and I didn't deserve to cry. In his defense, he was on cocaine, and coke makes him an asshole. He's talking like he wants to kill himself, told me to take care of his dog (he Loves that dog more than me, he'd never leave her behind). One of his reasons for the breakup, he said, was that I MUST be trying to meet someone else because I dyed my hair a color he didn't like. He can't believe I would dye my hair just to feel pretty. Which, according to him, my hair looks like crap dyed, so it doesn't make sense that I would purposely have ugly hair if I was trying to meet someone. I've been emotionally up and down all night, I almost went back to him and groveled as usual. Instead, I reread my list of grievances. I talked to a bunch of the friends I lost, and they were amazing and understanding. Something tells me the dealer my boyfriend insisted suck him off won't be so understanding, and it'd be nice to get some valiums now. But oh well... Its my apartment, he started out by paying me a small amount of rent, between rent and money he borrowed owes me over a grand. he says hes leaving Monday... Well see. I feel bad that I don't feel worse about this, i feel so drained I'm almost relieved.

PS to sublime, I want to be a stripper so people will appreciate me and I can feel beautiful, it's about the stage and sparkle and feeling in control and sexy. Not nessecarily the touching, that's just something to deal with. And he hasn't touched me sensually in months, hasnt even touched me sexually in 2 weeks. The last time we had sex, I didn't attempt to climax, I wanted to enjoy the whole experience and not only the last 2 seconds. He said my lack of orgasm meant I didn't want him, and hasn't touched me since.
 
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So here's a new question- what is a proper time before I get over this? How long until it's "okay" to be in a relationship, or at least do a few trashy cam shows online? I'm not ready for a real relationship, but I want to feel beautiful again, I'd happily settle for "sexy" or "hot" even. I really do love him, and I am hurting, but Im starved for someone to want me like he did when we first met. He thinks my "lack of emotion" means I didn't really love him, but that's the farthest from the truth. If I think about the good times we had I break down crying. I have to focus on the bad things just to keep from running back to him.


27 year age difference, yes, everyone in the world "told you so" that it would never work. It's not even the age, I would date an older person again if they were intelligent, sensual, and KIND. It's my exes incredible stubbornness, his my-way-or-the-highway attitude, and refusal to take anything seriously and extreme jealousy that I could no longer deal with.
 
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PS to sublime, I want to be a stripper so people will appreciate me and I can feel beautiful, it's about the stage and sparkle and feeling in control and sexy. Not nessecarily the touching, that's just something to deal with. And he hasn't touched me sensually in months, hasnt even touched me sexually in 2 weeks. The last time we had sex, I didn't attempt to climax, I wanted to enjoy the whole experience and not only the last 2 seconds. He said my lack of orgasm meant I didn't want him, and hasn't touched me since.

Oh I'm sorry your going through that. Thats really shitty. Its not your fault though. Hes obviously a boring old fart who doesnt know how to fuck or be passionate or anything. You don't need to be a stripper for people to appreciate you. You need a good BF. See if you go out at be a stripper, then perhaps one of those good BF's out there will frown upon that or something and then you wont end up being with him! But if your not a stripper, then you can find someone who isn't all about materials and sex and money and all that shit. Im not saying you couldnt find that anyway, just saying why take the chance? Stripper life is a life of depravity. Sex becomes meaningless to many sex workers. Ive seen it many times.

Those people will never make you feel as good as one good man will. When you have a man worship your body, youll never go back to this shit.

Think of it like this. People have been cooking bland food for you, for your whole life. You actually believe thats all there is. In your mind bland food is what you get. Youve never had someone show you the wonders of something better. Then someone comes along and tells you they will cook all your meals for you and they are truly the most magical and delicious meals you can imagine. Now who are you going to choose? The great cook of course. Now picture that this cook retires and you are left without a cook(breaking up with the 1st good man of your life), and you are required to go out into the world and find a new cook. What type of cook do you think you deserve now? Remember that before you only thought bland-food(conservative old limp dick control freak) was for you, but then someone showed you that you are worthy of magical food(The 1st man who shows you real love).

And thats how self worth gets raised. But you have to take the first step. You have to be like fuck this shit. I AM WORTH WAY MORE!! Then you make yourself available to GOOD MEN. Thats why I say, stripping doesnt really appear to make you available to good men. Good men will give you the appreciation and worship that you need and deserve. Not pervs at strip joints :)
 
damn thats a lot. My girlfriend is 42 so shes 17 years older than me. That is definitely the furthest I would go.
 
Honestly, I don't even know if I'd like stripping, I enjoy doing online performances via webcam, it's fun and sexy, its just that stripping was FORBIDDEN by my bf, and its something I wouldn't mind trying. Even if I'd never do it, I want the option. And I appreciate the good food analogy. Right now, I dont want to be possessed by anyone. I have about 40 years before I'm the old maid, so I'm in no hurry to settle down again. I want to flirt and have fun and experience things. I used to have wild kinky fantasies and after badly experiencing them with my bf, now Ive built these fantasies about just being cuddled and making love. I'm theoretically bisexual, but I have very limited experience and I just want to try new things and new people for awhile.
 
Mistress I am so sorry, this guy sounds like the classic abusive, controlling douchebag. I've seen guys like this take advantage of caring young ladies like yourself way too many times.

You deserve better than this. Someone should not be having fantasies about being loved while they have a boyfriend because he's not giving them the love and attention they need.

You should be allowed to explore your sexuality, get out there and feel beautiful. Not watch some old, pervy douche fuck your friends. That's twisted girl.

But you sound so fun and energetic it would be a damn shame to waste it on a guy like that... Unless he's filthy stinking rich, but it doesn't sound like it.

Anyway I really hope you do what's best for you, and I'd you start cam shows let me know where so I can check it out! ;)
 
He's talking like he wants to kill himself

Manipulation, my dear. He is a good manipulator, and he's done this to you in all of the comments you've made. I hope you get away from him, because in 10 years, if you are still with him, he will have completely sucked out your soul. I also think that you should see a therapist after you leave (I really hope you do), because this type of behavior can have lasting effects on you as you get older.
 
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